Sins of Sevin

by Penelope Ward

  He disappeared without a word. Seconds later, the front door opened.

  “Come in,” he said.

  “Thank you. I’m sorry if I woke you.”

  “I wasn’t sleeping…trying to, but I couldn’t. What’s going on?”

  “I came to talk to you.”

  When he looked at me, I saw something in his eyes that I’d never seen before: fear.

  His irises were dark, his face sullen. “I know why you’re here.”

  “Are you okay, Sevin?”

  Everything was still, except for the tick of a clock as we stood facing each other in the middle of his living room. He reached for my hand and placed it over his heart, which was beating so fast. His voice was strained. “No, I’m not, Evangeline. I’m really not fucking okay.”

  I kept my hand over his heart for a while. My own heart was competing with his rampant beat. A revelation hit me in that moment. I cared for Sevin at a level that I hadn’t felt for anyone before. As much as I loved Elle and wanted to protect her from this, I loved Sevin equally and wanted to protect him, too. It was tragic, because that meant that either way, someone I loved was going to get hurt.

  “Why do you think I’m here?” I asked.

  “Elle and I had a talk out in your parents’ yard after dinner tonight. I know she mentioned to you what she was going to talk to me about. I also know that you encouraged her.”

  “I guess I did in a roundabout way but—”

  “She also told me something else.”

  “What?”

  “She overheard you on the phone this afternoon asking Callum if he thought your parents and his parents would allow you to move to Missouri now instead of later, rather than him moving here. So, yeah…I can put two and two together as to what you came to tell me.”

  I couldn’t believe Elle had been listening to my conversation with Callum. She must have thought Sevin would take it as good gossip. She had no clue it would actually devastate him to know what I was considering.

  After I’d gotten home from Addy’s earlier, I was desperate for a solution. I kept thinking about her advice and concluded that the only way out of my dilemma was to leave town immediately. So, I decided to put some feelers out about moving into the Hughes’ guesthouse and possibly working for the chain of supermarkets they owned.

  It wasn’t until I walked into Sevin’s tonight and saw the fear in his eyes that I started to doubt that I could go through with it. Feeling his heart beating that way made me forget everything I’d decided upon. It put me back at square one.

  “You think you know what I came here for? How could you possibly know what I’m gonna say when I don’t? I’m so confused. Every time I think I’ve made a decision, I look into your eyes, and you’re all I see.”

  “You came here to tell me you’re leaving. Am I right?”

  “I don’t want to leave.”

  “You can’t leave. You can remove yourself from Dodge City, but can’t you see that you can’t really erase me? I’m still gonna be here. So is your sister. When you tell me to forget about you, to keep with the original plan and marry Elle, sometimes I don’t know if you realize what you’re really asking of me. It’s not just a wedding. Marriage is a life sentence. It means being her man, having sex with her, sharing my life with her and only her. If I marry Elle, I’d be vowing to do all of those things and following through with them for the rest of our lives. Is that what you want? You want me to make babies with Elle? I don’t thi—”

  I screamed, “No! It’s not what I want! It’s not what I want! I’m so scared of that.” My hands were on each side of my head as I tugged at my hair in anger.

  “You scare the hell out of me, too, Evangeline.”

  “I’m trying to do the right thing, but I want you so badly it hurts. When she told me what she was planning to offer you, I got so jealous that I haven’t been able to eat or sleep. This feels like an impossible situation. You’re right…I came here tonight to try to tell you that I was leaving. But the second I’m in front of you, the way you make me feel…all I want to do is stay. Why couldn’t I have found you under different circumstances?”

  He pulled me into a hug and spoke into my shoulder. “Don’t go back there tonight. Please. I promise I won’t try anything if you stay here.”

  “There are seriously moments that I feel like I could die from this. Sometimes, it’s so bad that I hate you.” A slight laugh escaped me for having admitted that.

  He smiled. “No, you don’t. You wish you did.”

  “My staying here tonight is not fair to her. That’s crossing a line.”

  “You don’t think we’ve already crossed it?” He grabbed my face. “Wanna talk fair? I don’t think you can say that it’s fair for me to marry her when all I want, all I fucking dream about is you. Elle is a sweet, wonderful God-fearing person. She calms me down and makes me feel good inside. But you…” He moved his face in closer. “You light a fire in me, Evangeline, one I can’t put out, one I don’t want to. I wish I could show you how I feel.”

  Fire. That was a good word to describe the level of burning desire coursing through me at the thought of what he’d do to my body if he could. He had experience. As much as it made me jealous to think about him with other women, the thought of experiencing something like that with him thrilled me. I knew I wasn’t going to give in to my physical needs, but my mind needed to be satisfied if my body couldn’t.

  I’d often fantasized about the nude pictures he confessed to drawing. I wanted so badly to see the objects of his creativity.

  “I want to see your drawings.”

  “The women?”

  “Are there other drawings?”

  “No.”

  “Will you show them to me?”

  “You’re gonna think I’m twisted.”

  “You already told me the story behind them. I promise I won’t.”

  The mood was extremely tense as he led me to his room. A small lamp provided just a little bit of light. He took out a medium-sized black box from the back of his closet. “I’ve never shown these to anyone before. My stepmother accidentally found them when I was moving out, but that doesn’t really count. You’re the first person I’m ever willingly showing them to.”

  Leaving the box on his bed, Sevin walked over to the opposite side of the room and leaned against the wall. He crossed his arms and watched me as I opened the box.

  My eyes widened. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but the reality was absolutely shocking and breathtaking all at once. Beautiful women of all shapes and sizes. Body parts were clearly and graphically recreated to perfection with fine details like pubic hair and beauty marks. The faces were mostly turned to the side or looking down. Some had their eyes closed. Some were more sexually provocative than others, but they were all tasteful.

  “These…are amazing. You don’t use real models?”

  “Yeah, right. I had loads of naked women stashed away in my old bedroom back home.” He pointed to his head with his index finger. “No, it’s all from up here. None of them are real people.”

  “How do you do it?”

  He gestured with his hands and my eyes followed their movement as he spoke. “I start off with a bunch of angles, one for her head, one for her middle and one for her hips and legs. I call that the framework. Then, once that base is drawn, I start drawing the actual shapes of her body. It’s hard to explain. I just do what I see in my head.”

  “You’re incredible.”

  “I’m gonna tell you a secret,” he said.

  “Wouldn’t be the first.”

  His mouth curved into a smile. “I haven’t drawn a single one since moving here.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’ve tried.”

  “You just can’t?”

  “You’re gonna think I’m crazy.”

  “Too late for that.” I grinned.

  “In order for me to draw one, I have to visualize the person. They’re not real people, but I have a clear picture
of her in my mind. But ever since the day we met, I can’t see any other woman in my head except you.”

  “Have you ever tried?”

  “Tried what?”

  “To draw me.”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I honestly think it would be too much for me. Too real. And to be honest, I’m not sure I could replicate you.”

  I didn’t really know what came over me. Seeing the dozens of beautiful images he’d created left me with an overpowering need. I was already drawn to him in so many ways already, and then to discover this amazing talent was overwhelming. I wanted to be every one of these women, the objects of his desire and passion. I wanted to see him create.

  I knew why he was standing away from me. Because all of this—our confessions, his showing me his most intimate creations—ignited emotions that were too powerful. Tonight further solidified the fact that it was even more important to stick to my original plan to leave town. This attraction between us would continue to simmer until it exploded, destroying everything in its path in order to be satisfied.

  If I couldn’t stand to hurt Elle, if I was going to be selfless and leave, then I at least wanted to take one piece of him with me.

  I stood up from the bed. “I need you to draw me.”

  CHAPTER 14

  SEVIN

  I stood there dumfounded and honestly didn’t know how to respond.

  It wasn’t because I didn’t want to do it. It was because I wanted it so much that I worried about the aftermath. A feeling in my bones told me she was going to make the decision to run away from all of this, to leave home. Whether I said yes or no to drawing her tonight, either way, I would probably regret it.

  More than anything, I was confused about what she expected drawing her to entail.

  Still keeping my distance as I leaned against the wall, I repeated her statement, “You need me to draw you…”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “I think they’re beautiful, and I want to see how you see me.”

  The look of melancholy on her face was killing me. There wasn’t a trace of humor or even happiness in her request; she was dead serious. She wanted me to draw her, yet at the same time, something about that was making her sad.

  “I told you. I don’t normally draw real people. The images in my head are self-created. I don’t know that how I imagine you would translate well enough onto paper.”

  She shocked me when she said, “I could take off my nightgown.”

  Never in a million years did I expect her to suggest that. “Why would you want to do that?”

  “I don’t have to. I just thought maybe that would make it easier for you to draw me.”

  How could she think that would be safe? Did she have no clue what she did to me? “No. No way.” I snapped, “Why are you doing this?”

  She looked surprised and mortified upon my adamant refusal. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe I even suggested it. Forget I said anything. This was a mistake. I have to go.”

  She rushed out of the room heading in the direction of the front door.

  Grabbing her wrist from behind her, I said, “Stop.”

  She turned back toward me, closing her eyes but said nothing.

  “Open your eyes.” When she obliged, I said, “Don’t ever be ashamed to tell me what you want. I’m sorry I overreacted. The truth is that I want to draw you so badly right now that it’s scaring the fuck out of me. I just don’t think it’s a good idea, so I’m gonna say no. But please don’t leave. Stay with me.”

  After a long pause, Evangeline nodded and followed me back into the living room. She sat on the couch, clutching a pillow. “Do you have anything to drink?”

  “What are you in the mood for? I have soda, water, coffee…”

  “I meant a drink drink.”

  “I have that, but I didn’t think you drank.”

  She laughed. “I don’t. But I never needed one more than now.”

  Smiling in understanding, I said, “All I have is beer. Is that okay?”

  “Yes.”

  Cracking open a can of Bud Light, I glanced over at her. She looked beautiful in her white nightgown as she curled into my couch.

  This.

  This was what I wanted every night.

  I poured the beer into two glasses and brought them over to her.

  As we sat drinking, she said, “I feel like we need to eat something with this. Do you have any Pop Tarts?”

  “What do you take me for? Of course, I do.” Grinning, I got up and put two of them into the toaster and waited before carrying her over a plate.

  Her mouth was full. “These are so good.”

  “I make sure to have them on hand now in case you happen to show up randomly in the middle of the night.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “I wish I weren’t.”

  We spent the next hour playing music, going through all of my CDs one by one. She picked out songs that she wanted me to burn for her.

  Sitting on the floor with her legs crossed, she sifted through my father’s old CDs and broke out in laughter. “Being here…drinking beer. There are just so many reasons why I’d be crucified for this.”

  “Everyone needs a night off from that world once in a while.”

  “There are way worse ways to sin than with beer, Pop Tarts and music, I suppose.”

  I chuckled. “If those are your worst sins, I’d say you’re doing pretty well.”

  “I only sin when I’m with you, Sevin. What does that say?”

  “That I’m a bad influence. Everyone always said my mother was a sinner and a bad influence on my dad. I guess I inherited that gene from her.”

  “She would be really proud of you.”

  “Because I’m a sinner or a bad influence?”

  “Neither. Because you’re a good, non-judgmental person like she was, and you’re a hard worker. I see you at the plant. Daddy’s always bragging about you, too. But you also show me a side of you that no one else gets to see. I’m lucky that you’ve trusted me. I’ve gotten to see your passion and your vulnerability…your need to be loved.”

  “I’m pretty sure I killed the one person who would have loved me unconditionally despite my faults.”

  “Is that what you believe? That you’re not capable of being loved by anyone else?”

  “Unfortunately, sometimes I do believe that, Evangeline.”

  “I can assure you that’s not true.” She closed her eyes, looking like she wanted to say so much more. Her voice was barely audible when she opened them and looked up at me. “When I asked you to draw me, it was because I wanted something from you that’s just mine. I can see now how beautiful your art is. I just wanted to be a part of it, experience it with you—experience something passionate with you. I know it’s wrong, but it’s something I could keep forever.”

  “You want a keepsake. Because you’re leaving…”

  She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to.

  In all those years of drawing the women, it was almost as if through practice, I’d been trying to create the perfect one to no avail. From almost the first moment that Evangeline came into my life, there was no need to imagine it anymore. Nothing that my mind could ever conjure up compared to her.

  A mix of anger and selfish desire consumed me. “I changed my mind. I want to draw you.”

  She could see the seriousness in my expression before she quietly followed me back to my room.

  Opening the drawer, I nervously fumbled for my supplies. It somehow felt like all of my experience drawing until now had been leading up to this moment. I used two different kinds of pencils, one for outlining and one for shading. I stuck one of them behind my ear. Sitting on my bed with my legs crossed, I stared at her as she stood against the wall. Her chest was rising and falling.

  “Don’t be nervous.”

  I was telling her not to be nervous when I had to keep my own body from shaking.

  �
��I’ll try,” she said, her voice trembling.

  “Stay where you are, okay? Don’t come any closer to me.”

  She nodded. “Alright.”

  Since I only had one lamp, my room was dim. Lighting a match, I lit three candles and placed them on the bureau next to where she was standing. The light from the flames cast a glow on the wall, causing a shadow behind her.

  I wasn’t going to tell her to disrobe. Instead, I’d try to draw how I imagined her, hoping that she wasn’t disappointed in my interpretation.

  Hesitant to start, I rubbed my fingertips along the thick paper of my sketchpad and closed my eyes for a moment to grab my bearings.

  When I opened them, my heart skipped a beat before pounding out of control. Her arms were slowly lifting the cotton white nightgown she’d been wearing up and over her head. She’d completely closed her eyes so that she didn’t have to witness what she was doing.

  My conscience was screaming for her to stop, but I said nothing because I wanted this more than I ever wanted anything.

  I couldn’t believe she was letting me do this.

  Evangeline reached around to her back and unsnapped her bra, which fell to the ground. I swallowed hard as I took her in, but there didn’t seem to be any saliva left in my mouth.

  Her breasts were so full, so heavy and perfectly symmetrical. Her nipples were darker than I imagined—a beautiful mauve—and a little larger than half-dollars. Yearning to suck on them, I licked my lips. My dick hardened. I needed to adjust myself but wouldn’t dare in case she opened her eyes at that exact moment. Thank God her eyes were closed because I couldn’t help the painful arousal now straining through my pants.

  She was ten times more perfect than I could have ever imagined. Her eyes were still closed as she slowly slid her white panties down her legs. My heart was pumping faster than it ever had before. Remembering how my father died, I wondered if I were genetically at risk for a heart attack.

  Evangeline stood before me completely bare—meaning her pussy was just that. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but I never expected that she shaved it. Knowing that I was the first man to ever see her like this meant more to me than she could have ever possibly known.