Sins of Sevin

by Penelope Ward

“You don’t have to do that.”

  “I insist.”

  Beads of sweat were forming on her forehead.

  “Are you hot? Let me get you some water.” I walked over to the kitchen to pour her a glass.

  “It’s weird. I have the chills, but sweat is pouring off of me.”

  “Are you getting sick?”

  “No. It’s nerves.”

  “I’m gonna draw you a bath. It will relax you, get your mind off things for a while.”

  She swallowed nervously and nodded her head. “I would love that. Thank you.”

  “Be right back.”

  My heart was pounding as I made my way to the bathroom off of my bedroom. I couldn’t explain my own nerves except to say it felt like something earth shattering was about to happen, even though I had no clue what it was. I just sensed it.

  I ran my hand through the water coming out of the spout until it was the perfect warm temperature. Remembering that Nancy had left some bubble bath soap under my sink, I took out the container and poured the remainder of it into the water. The tub was now filled with spongy bubbles.

  Returning to the living room, I offered her my hand and gently lifted her off the couch, leading her into the bathroom.

  “Let me know if you need anything. I’ll be right behind that door.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  I neatened up my bed for her before sitting on the edge and closing my eyes. Listening to the sounds of the water bubbling as she moved her body around in it, I wished more than anything that I could be inside with her.

  Be inside of her.

  “Sevin?”

  Her voice was so low that it was barely audible.

  I got up and leaned my cheek against the door. “Yeah?”

  “Can you come in?”

  I slowly turned the doorknob. Only her head was visible as she lay beneath the suds. She didn’t look relaxed at all. The expression on her face seemed even more tormented than before.

  “What do you need, baby?”

  Evangeline lifted her hand, reaching it out to me as a tear fell down her cheek. “You.”

  “You want me to come in with you?”

  She nodded.

  My nerves from earlier were tenfold as I lifted off my shirt. Her eyes followed the movement of my hands as I slid my pants off. Leaving my boxer briefs on, I got in the tub behind her and wrapped my legs around her body. Evangeline’s head of wet hair leaned against my pounding heart. Her chest was rising and falling. I kissed the back of her head softly to try to calm her down.

  This was the opposite of a fun jaunt in the tub. It felt more like we were washing away our sins in a quiet moment of repentance. That nagging feeling that something significant was about to happen wouldn’t cease.

  Whispering against her head, I said, “It’s okay, Evangeline. Everything is going to be okay. I’m here. I’m never going to let anything bad happen to you again.” I held her closer to me. “I love you. I don’t even know who I am without you. Don’t you know that? Even experiencing pain with you is better than nothing at all. Please tell me you’ll stay. We’ll work it out…as long as it takes. Whatever it takes, baby, we’ll do it.”

  Evangeline reached her foot out to lower the stopper. The water slowly emptied out into the drain as she continued to rest her back on top of my chest. With each second that passed, her breathing became heavier.

  With the water gone, there was nothing left except Evangeline’s slick naked body against me. I lowered my mouth to her neck and began to kiss it. She flipped around to stop me.

  “I’m not gonna try to have sex with you tonight,” I said, defensively. “I just wanted to kiss your neck. That’s all.”

  “That’s not why I turned around.”

  “Why did you turn around then?”

  Her lips were trembling. “I need to show you something.”

  “What?”

  She straddled me, her warm pussy sitting atop my thighs. I was still wearing my boxer briefs which were wet and stuck to my full erection. Her hands were shaking as she took mine in hers and placed them below her stomach. She let go and watched as I traced my finger along her taut skin.

  That was when I saw the thick reddish line.

  My finger froze.

  It looked like someone had sliced into her.

  “What is this? Did someone stab you?” My blood was boiling. “Was it him?”

  She slowly shook her head no, and a few seconds later, everything started to register.

  No.

  Instinctively, I straightened up, and my body went rigid.

  Then, a flash of panic.

  I covered my mouth as I looked down at her scar.

  No.

  No.

  No.

  “I need to hear you say it, Evangeline.”

  She cried harder.

  I rubbed my thumb along her bikini line. “What is this? Say it.”

  She wouldn’t answer.

  I yelled, “Say it!”

  “I had a baby!” she screamed.

  I lowered my voice and repeated, “You had a baby.”

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.

  Was it mine?

  His?

  It would be impossible to stomach either scenario.

  “Whose baby?”

  “Our baby.”

  Our baby.

  No two words had ever had a greater impact on my life, yet I was so confused.

  “You gave birth…to our baby?”

  “Yes.”

  “Where is it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What do you mean…you don’t know? You don’t know. You DON’T KNOW? How the fuck can you NOT know?”

  “I gave her away.”

  Gave her away.

  Her.

  A daughter.

  Gave her away?

  “Her? You gave our daughter away?” Dripping wet, I pushed past her out of the tub and stormed into the bedroom, pacing with my palm on my forehead. “Oh my God.”

  Trying to piece it all together, my thoughts were jumbled. It now made sense why Evangeline ran away when she did. We’d been careful most of the times that we had sex with the exception of one or two. I couldn’t believe that I never once considered that she could have been pregnant when she left. I understood why she had to hide it from Elle, but how could she keep something like that from me?

  She was wrapped in a towel when she came out of the bathroom. “I know it’s incomprehensible. I have to explain what was going on in my head at the time.”

  Throwing on my pants and a pullover, I snapped, “There’s no explanation that will justify your giving my child away without my knowing.” I grabbed my keys. “I can’t talk to you…can’t be around you right now. I’ll do or say something I’ll regret. I need to process this.”

  “Wait…”

  When she followed me and put her hand on my shoulder, I whipped it away from her. “Don’t fucking touch me,” I spewed before slamming the door shut and running off into the night.

  CHAPTER 23

  EVANGELINE

  I shouldn’t have expected anything different. I knew he would never begin to understand. How could he understand if I couldn’t even fully understand my own actions? I left Sevin a note, letting him know that I was driving back to Wichita. I doubted he wanted to see the sight of me anyway.

  As I drove down the freeway, I cursed at myself for ever believing that Sevin could look past something so deplorable. But earlier tonight, I started to feel hopeful that maybe he would find it in himself to forgive me. Even if he didn’t, I knew I couldn’t keep it from him any longer. This secret had ruled my life for years, and the weight of it was too heavy to bear anymore. It was the only reason I forced myself to stay with Dean, because he constantly threatened to find my family and tell them about the “pregnant whore” he rescued. Back then, I couldn’t risk Sevin and Elle finding out about the baby. Dean alway
s thought I never knew who the father was.

  Now that Sevin knew the truth, I had no reason to stay in Wichita, imprisoned by Dean’s threats. Plotting my exit from the marriage and home we shared would have to be done cautiously. He wasn’t going to grant me a divorce easily. But I needed to leave either way. I just prayed he didn’t kill me first.

  It was the middle of the night when I got to our house. A light flashed on from the porch as soon as I pulled the SUV in front. Dread filled me as I also noticed Dean’s truck parked outside.

  Fuck.

  He’d come home early.

  I had to make a decision whether to jet away or face the music. I decided that after the night I’d had, I had nothing to lose. I was no longer going to hide from my demons. Nothing could affect me like hurting Sevin had.

  Dean stormed out from the house before I even had a chance to exit the car. “Where the fuck have you been? I just called the club, and they said you didn’t work tonight.”

  “I went to Dodge City.”

  “I thought I told you not to leave while I was away.”

  “I wanted to go home.”

  “Get in the fucking house. We’re not going to get into it in the middle of the street.”

  “Why? Are you afraid someone might hear the way you talk to me or see you shove me around?”

  “Get the fuck inside!”

  “No.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “No! You’re not going to hurt me. I’m not going inside.”

  “The fuck you’re not.”

  Dean grabbed my arm and began to drag me across the lawn. When I resisted, he slapped me hard across the face.

  “Let go of me!” I screamed.

  Lights from an oncoming car distracted him momentarily. I tried to run, but he tackled me to the ground, pinning me down.

  A car door slammed, and then I heard him.

  “Get off her!”

  Dean jumped off of me. “Who the fuck are you?”

  Sevin charged toward him and shoved Dean in the chest with both hands. “Who am I? The last person you’ll ever speak to alive if you don’t leave her alone. I have a shotgun in my car, and I’ll use it if I have to.” He turned to me, helping me off the grass. “Evangeline, are you okay?”

  “Yes.”

  “How the fuck do you know my wife? You some obsessed stalker from the club?”

  “Your wife is my family.”

  “What?”

  “She was running away from me when she met you.”

  “She was a pregnant whore when I met her, said she didn’t know who the father was.”

  Sevin looked like he was about to blow. He closed his eyes briefly then looked over at me. “Evangeline, get inside my truck.”

  I grabbed my overnight bag from Liz’s SUV and walked over to Sevin’s Ford F150.

  “Evie, you take off with this guy, you better never set foot in this house again.”

  “You can count on the fact that she won’t. And if you think about coming after her, I’ll call the cops to let them know about your pot growing operation in the basement. I’ve spoken to several people who’ve bought from you over the years, too. They’re waiting on standby for hefty payoffs if I need them. You stay away from her, and no one gets called.”

  “Evie, you’re gonna let this old boyfriend of yours bribe me after all I’ve done for you? I fucking saved your life!”

  “You’ll be hearing from her attorney,” Sevin said before walking over to me.

  I almost apologized to Dean for leaving him in that way but stopped myself. He didn’t deserve my respect.

  “Goodbye, Dean.” I pressed the button to close the window.

  Sevin started the truck and peeled out down the road.

  ***

  The silence was deafening during the ride back to Dodge City. Sevin still looked like he was about to erupt. He wasn’t ready to talk to me, and I couldn’t blame him.

  When he finally spoke, his voice rattled me. “You shouldn’t have left my house. I was coming back to talk to you. I just needed the time to let it sink in.”

  “I wasn’t sure if you ever wanted to see me again. How did you get here so fast?”

  “I must have left immediately after you when I got your note.”

  “How did you know about Dean’s marijuana plants?”

  “I’ve had my eye on him for weeks,” he simply said without looking at me. “We’ve both been through a lot tonight. It’s too late to drive all the way home. We’re gonna find a hotel, get a few hours sleep. When we wake up, you’re gonna tell me everything. And I mean everything, Evangeline. Every last fucking detail.”

  I nodded and glanced over to make sure he saw it.

  We stopped at a small hotel off the interstate in Hutchinson.

  “How many beds?” the front desk clerk asked.

  Sevin answered right away, “One.”

  I looked at him. He looked at me. His eyes were telling me not to question it, and I had no intention of protesting. I was confused, unable to understand how he could possibly want to share a bed with me after everything that happened tonight.

  The room was small with one full-sized bed. It was dark, but neither of us turned on the lamp. We kept the bathroom light on, which allowed just enough illumination for us to see each other.

  Sevin lifted his shirt and threw it on the chair. I honestly didn’t know where his head was at. His specifically asking for one bed made me wary about the reason he wanted to sleep next to me. The truth was, if he planned to try to angrily fuck me to let out his frustrations, I would give him whatever he wanted. I’d do just about anything to comfort him tonight.

  “Lie down,” he said, his tone demanding as he undid the bedding and got underneath.

  My back was facing him as I climbed into the bed with everything but my shoes on.

  Sevin wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close. He was being so quiet that I wasn’t sure whether he’d fallen asleep until he asked, “Has he always manhandled you like that?”

  “Not in the very beginning, but in the past few years, yes. He’s never beaten me really badly, but he slaps me sometimes or shoves me. And he’s very verbally abusive.”

  Sevin started to breathe heavier, tightening his grip on me and pulling me even more firmly against him. Closing my eyes, I relaxed into him. After several minutes of quiet, he lowered his hand and placed it under my shirt over my stomach, gently caressing my skin with his thumb.

  I knew he was thinking about our baby, searching desperately and in vain for something that was long gone. It was breaking my heart. How was I going to explain everything to him tomorrow in a way that could possibly justify my actions?

  Sometime in those early morning hours, Sevin and I fell asleep, his hand never leaving my belly.

  ***

  The morning sun streamed through the window. When I woke up and patted the bed around me, he was gone. Before I could freak out, the door creaked open and clicked shut behind him. Sevin was holding two bags of fast food breakfast and two coffees in a cardboard tray.

  I sat up as he handed me a coffee and placed one of the bags on the night table next to me.

  “Eat,” he simply said. His mood was definitely darker than last night when he held me. He was probably gearing up for the conversation we were about to have.

  As for me, there was no way to mentally prepare for it. As I sat up eating, the sun caught his dark blue eyes in such a way that it made my heart clench. His hair was unruly from sleep. It had been at least a few days since he last shaved. Sevin was such a beautiful man. I didn’t know how I would be able to handle it if I had to live in Dodge City and not be with him, not be allowed to love him openly if he could never forgive me.

  After breakfast, he told me to take a shower. Afterward, he stood in the doorway with his arms crossed and watched as I brushed my hair slowly. I was trying to delay the inevitable.

  “Sit down,” he said.

  I knew it was time.

 
; Sitting on the bed, I looked down at the floor and rubbed my sweaty palms along my thighs. Sevin stood leaning against the wall at the opposite side of the room as if to avoid being near me in the event that his anger became uncontrollable; at least, that was how I interpreted his standing so far away.

  When I finally looked up at him, he offered me a simple nod.

  I just started talking.

  “I found out I was pregnant about a month before I left. You might remember I started to really distance myself. I wanted to tell you, but I knew if I did, that you would insist that we keep it. I just didn’t see how that could ever be possible unless we both ran away. I just couldn’t do that to Elle. At the same time, abortion wasn’t an option. This was still our child. I needed help, so I made a decision that was risky. I told Mama about us…everything.”

  Sevin’s gaze lifted from the floor, and his eyes were piercing. A look that was a mix of shock and rage washed over his face. “Your mother? Olga has known all this time?”

  “Yes.”

  “What about Lance?”

  “Daddy still doesn’t know to this day. Neither does Emily. No one else knows.”

  “Fuck. I can’t believe this.”

  “I confided in my mother instead of Adelaide, because I was afraid Addy might tell you. Mama set me up in a house in Wichita. The old woman who lived there was a second or third cousin of my grandmother’s. My mother paid her to let me stay there while I was pregnant. I don’t know if you remember her going away some weekends back then? She was visiting me.”

  “Yeah. I always thought it was strange that she would leave Elle…to supposedly visit some cousins.”

  “I also got a job waitressing at the time. That was when I first met Dean, although we never got together until after the pregnancy. He was a regular at the restaurant.”

  “Fucking asshole.”

  “I was really scared, Sevin. I missed you so much, yearned for you. I was carrying a part of you inside of me and couldn’t tell you. I thought I would never see you again. I know it seems like I made a rash and irresponsible decision, but it felt like I had no choice. I just didn’t see another solution at the time. I couldn’t risk my sister finding out, especially in her condition.”