Sins of Sevin

by Penelope Ward

  “I had a fucking right to know!”

  “Can you honestly say that you would have let me give the baby up for adoption?”

  “I absolutely would not have.”

  “And I knew that. It wasn’t fair to you. I know. But I made a decision based on what was best for my sister.”

  “What about what was best for our daughter…to have her mother and father in her life?”

  “I didn’t feel like I was fit to be a mother.”

  “I would’ve taken her and raised her myself. Elle would never have had to find out. I could have figured out something. Fuck…it was my daughter! My daughter. I would have figured it out! God, Evangeline! Where is she?”

  My heart was breaking because I didn’t have the answers he deserved.

  “It was a closed adoption. I don’t know, Sevin. I don’t know. I know you hate me for this. It’s why I’ve spent every day since she was born punishing myself. I won’t ever forgive myself for what I took away from you, and you shouldn’t forgive me, either.”

  I covered my face and burst into tears. I hadn’t even gotten to the hard part of the story.

  After a few minutes, his temperament calmed. He leaned his head against the wall, closed his eyes and whispered, “Tell me about the day she was born. Tell me everything.”

  “It was a rainy day. I started to feel some contractions while at work and called Mama right away. She’d set up a special cell phone just for my calls.”

  Sevin shook his head in disbelief.

  “I was really scared. I’d never been in so much pain in my life. Mama got there a few hours later, and by that time, the contractions were less than five minutes apart, so we went to the hospital. She called the adoption agent she was working with to let her know that things were happening.”

  “They let you put her up for adoption without my permission?”

  “We told them we didn’t know who the father was. That’s the only circumstance where the father doesn’t need to sign off on it.”

  His face and ears were turning red as he muttered something to himself.

  I continued, “The contractions were really bad, but I wasn’t dilating at all. They figured out it was because the baby had flipped back around in the wrong direction. She was breach. That was why everything wasn’t progressing enough for me to give birth naturally. I was so scared because they told me they were going to have to do an emergency C-section. I don’t remember much right after that.” I stood up and walked around the room a bit before continuing, stopping at the desk and leaning against it for support. “Everything happened so fast. They rushed me into the operating room, pumped me with drugs. Mama was right by my head. I couldn’t feel anything, and there was a blue divider in front of my face, so I couldn’t see what the doctor was doing. I thought about you in that moment, how you would have been there by my side, holding my hand. I wanted you there. It was so scary, but the fear was nothing compared to the massive amount of guilt I remember feeling.”

  “You’re damn right I should have been there. Wherever I was, I was thinking it was just another fucking day, maybe at work or at home with Elle. All the while, you were giving birth to my child. I can’t even comprehend that. That is so fucked up.”

  When he walked over to me suddenly, I instinctively backed away against the wall.

  “Why did you just back away from me like that?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I guess after years of living with Dean, it was second nature for me to feel as though someone approaching me in anger would mean ending up getting physically punished.

  “Did you think I was going to lay a hand on you?”

  “I’m not sure why I did it. Maybe that was my instinct.”

  “I would never hurt you like he did. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes.”

  In fact, Sevin didn’t touch me at all. I felt like I needed him to hold me but wouldn’t dare ask. He made his way back to the opposite side of the room away from me.

  He was silent for a while then asked, “Did you even hold her, or did you just have them take her away?” His tone was bitter.

  “I didn’t feel her come out. I heard her cry, and that was how I knew she’d been born. They brought her around to me and put her close to my face. I tried not to look at her. I was afraid if I did, I’d never be able to let her go. Her skin was so soft when it brushed against my cheek. She had the sweetest smell. I went to turn my face to kiss her with my eyes closed, but they took her away too fast.”

  “That was it?”

  I shook my head no. “There was a 48-hour waiting period required before I was allowed to sign the papers…in case I changed my mind. I’d made it clear that they shouldn’t bring her to me, though. Sometime in the middle of the night that first night, I was trying to take a walk. The C-section left me in a lot of pain, but they told me I needed to try to move around. I ended up accidentally passing by the nursery. My mother was in there holding her. I felt like she was being such a traitor in that moment because she’d been the one pushing me the hardest to give her up. Mama had tears in her eyes. The baby was crying uncontrollably. I guess they were having trouble getting her to take the formula.”

  I had to stop to sit down. This was the first time I’d ever spoken aloud about the birth, and the memories were hard to handle. While unable to make eye contact, I could feel Sevin’s pain emanating from him without even looking at his face.

  “I was angry at my mother for sneaking time in the nursery when she’d been adamant about my not seeing the baby. I walked over to her and took the baby from her.” Tears started to fall freely down my cheeks just thinking about what happened next. “She stopped crying a few seconds after I took her into my arms. She somehow knew it was me.”

  Sevin sat down on the bed and covered his face. I couldn’t tell if he was crying. A part of me wanted to stop the story, but he needed to know everything. It wasn’t going to be any easier telling it another time.

  I wiped my eyes. “She was searching with her little mouth for my breast. My milk had just started to come in. I knew feeding her was a huge no-no given the situation, but in that moment, all that mattered was comforting my baby. I ordered my mother to get out of the room. Then, I sat down, opened up my hospital gown, and she latched right on. The nurse came in and told me to stop feeding her, that it was a bad idea to get her used to breast milk when she needed to become accustomed to formula. But I just couldn’t stop. It was all I could give her…all I would ever give her. I never imagined how much I was going to fall in love with her so quickly. I loved her so much, not just because she was mine, but because she was yours.”

  The next part of the story was the hardest for me to grapple with.

  “She spit up a little, so I undid her blanket to clean her…” I closed my eyes. “That was when I noticed that…” I hesitated.

  “What?”

  “She had a birth defect. No one had told me.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The bottom half of her left arm was missing.”

  “What?”

  “None of the ultrasounds caught it. They said it was just a genetic blip, nothing specific that I did to cause it.”

  His ears were turning red as he kept his head in his hands. Maybe I needed to stop.

  He turned to me, his eyes swollen and red. “How could you give her away after that?”

  The pain in my chest worsened as I forced myself to go on with the story.

  “The adoptive family was told about her arm. They also found out that I was having doubts, and threatened to back out if I didn’t sign the papers soon. They said they weren’t going to wait forever only to have me change my mind. I was scared she wouldn’t have a good home. Mama kept pressuring me, reminding me of all the reasons I ran away in the first place and saying that it would be harder to find another family because of the baby’s imperfection.”

  “So you did it…just…signed the papers,” he said incredulously.
>
  “I didn’t even say goodbye to her because I couldn’t. How ironic is that? I gave up our baby in the same way I left you. So, see? All of this…it’s why I’m such a terrible person, why I deserved every bit of the type of life I’ve had since.”

  “There’s no way to find out where she is?”

  “Like I said, it was a closed adoption. I don’t even know the family’s last name.”

  A long moment of silence ensued before he turned to me. “What did she look like?”

  Telling him would be like pouring major salt in his wound, but there was no holding back anymore.

  “She looked like you. Just like you.”

  Sevin shot up from the bed. “I need some air.”

  He walked out the door, slamming it behind him.

  Feeling empty, I curled into the bed, wishing I had drugs to numb the pain.

  After everything sunk in, a strange, almost calming fogginess came over me. It was similar to how you feel after a long run or after coming down from a panic attack. It was a feeling of relief at the same time, like the worst was over. It couldn’t get any worse than admitting to Sevin that I gave his child away.

  An hour later when the door burst open, Sevin’s eyes were wide and frantic upon returning from his walk.

  Alarmed, I straightened my back against the headboard. “What happened?”

  He clutched his chest, trying to catch his breath. “I know where she is.”

  CHAPTER 24

  SEVIN

  “I’ve seen her…our daughter.”

  “What?”

  “Your mother lied.”

  “That’s not possible.”

  “She lied! She knows where our daughter is.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “It all hit me just now on my walk.” The words were spilling out of me so fast. “I’ve been going to this church for a while in Spearville. I go there to clear my head a couple of Sundays a month. I always sit in the back row. There was this family that caught my attention a couple of times because one of their daughters was missing the bottom half of her arm. Her hair was darker than her sisters’. I remember thinking how much they reminded me of my half-brothers and me, three blondes and a dark-haired child that stuck out like a sore thumb.”

  “But it could be a coincidence. That doesn’t mean it’s her, Sevin.”

  “Let me finish. What also made me pay attention to this family was that the father always looked so damn familiar. The one or two times he’d turned around to hand the donation basket to the people behind him or offer a sign of peace, I swore I knew him from somewhere but could never figure it out. Well, one day I did. I remembered that he was the same guy who showed up at Sutton once. This guy was in the lobby. The receptionist handed him an envelope, and then he left.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “It seemed a little suspicious to me at the time, so I asked Jeannie if she knew what was in the envelope. She said that it was cash and that Olga had come into the office and instructed her to give it to the guy. She must have not wanted her business done at home. I assumed it was some kind of charity donation, that maybe they were poor or something. I never gave it another thought again…until now.”

  She covered her mouth. “Oh my God.”

  “I’ve seen her, Evangeline. Only from the back. She has long, black hair—just like you—except she’s a little pudgy and precious. It’s her. I just know it is. Your mother must have been giving them money for her all this time.”

  “I can’t believe this.”

  I started to pack up our things. “I have to think about what I’m gonna do.”

  “What do you mean? There is nothing you can do. She’s legally theirs.”

  “She’s still my daughter.”

  ***

  I told Evangeline it was best if she moved in with Addy and Luke for a while until we could figure things out. It was too soon after her dropping that bombshell to think about repairing our relationship. I was still in shock and trying to figure out how to proceed. I wanted to be armed with as much legal information as possible before confronting anyone.

  Unfortunately, everything I read basically stated that it wasn’t cut and dry. I could legally challenge the adoption, claiming parental rights, but it wouldn’t be an easy process, and nothing was guaranteed. Was it even fair to put my little girl through that?

  My little girl.

  It still hadn’t sunk in completely.

  So much was uncertain, except for the fact that I knew I needed to see her. The one time since finding out the news that I returned to church, she wasn’t there.

  Only one person knew where to find her. It was time to confront Olga.

  It was the middle of the afternoon. I checked to make sure Lance was at Sutton Provisions and that Emily was gone before heading over to the main house.

  Olga was holding a laundry basket when she opened the door. Looking surprised to see me at that time of day, she tilted her head. “Sevin.”

  Maybe it was the look on my face. Or maybe it was the fact that I said nothing at all in response. The smile on her face quickly faded.

  I gritted my teeth. “Where is she?”

  “Who?”

  “My daughter. Where does she live?”

  Olga dropped the laundry basket, and her face turned white. With her head down, she moved aside to let me enter.

  “When did she tell you?”

  “Several days ago.”

  “You can’t do anything, Sevin.”

  I repeated, “Where does she live?”

  “Promise me you will not try to make trouble for that little girl.”

  “Answer me!”

  “Spearville.”

  “Who are these people?”

  “Robert and Genia Simonsen. They’re good people.”

  “You chose them?”

  “The adoption agent found them. I helped select the family based on the one I felt had the best values and the fact that they were local.”

  “You give them money?”

  “They’re hard working, but they’re not well off. I just give them a little extra to make ends meet.”

  “Why didn’t you tell Evangeline that you were in on all of this?”

  “It was best that she not be involved. She was too vulnerable back then. We both know that it had to happen this way, Sevin. Imagine if Elle—God rest her soul—were to have found out what you two did…”

  “Don’t say that like we committed a crime. We didn’t do anything but fall in love. I’m pretty sure I made up for my sins when it came to Elle, and you know it. I didn’t see you helping her wipe her ass as much I did.” Immediately regretting that comment, I said, “I’m sorry, Olga. But you need to understand why this is wrong.”

  “Lance can’t find out I kept this from him. This family has been through enough.”

  “So, I’m just supposed to forget she exists…shut up about it…so Lance doesn’t get upset? This is about me and my child. This has nothing to do with you or Lance or even Evangeline at this point. What’s their address?”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. But I need to know where to find her. You gave me their names. If you don’t tell me, I’ll find them anyway.”

  “Ten Lowell Lane in Spearville.”

  “What’s her name?”

  “Rose.”

  Rose?

  How could that be?

  “Rose?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s my mother’s name.”

  “I know, Sevin.”

  “Who gave her that name?”

  “Evangeline.”

  “I don’t understand. Why did she want to name the baby Rose if she was just going to give her away?”

  “She wouldn’t sign the papers unless they agreed to keep the name. It was a verbal agreement. She has no way of really knowing whether they followed through. They weren’t obligated to. The Simonsens didn’t know the significance of the name. Evangelin
e felt incredibly guilty, and I think she wanted to believe that if the baby were named Rose, that maybe a part of you would somehow always be with her.”

  ***

  With my baseball cap on, I sat at the far end of the bleachers on the highest row. You could say I blended in. No one ever questioned me. I could have been anyone’s father, brother or uncle. A fixture at these T-ball games every Tuesday and Thursday at Greenbush Field, I never missed one.

  After Olga had given me the Simonsens’ address, I’d held onto it for several days before doing anything with it. My initial plan was to knock on their door and explain who I was, demanding they let me see my child.

  When I got to their modest two-story house that first night, I used my binoculars to peek into their window from my car. For the first time, I saw the face of my beautiful raven-haired little girl. Even though she had Evangeline’s long, thick hair, her facial features were all me. It was like looking into a mirror. I couldn’t believe it. She was slightly chubby, had long bangs that nearly covered her eyes and was wearing pig tails. She reminded me a little of the character Boo from Monsters, Inc. This was my daughter. Holy shit.

  Slowly dropping my binoculars, I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to regain my composure. She was watching something on television with her sisters and belly laughing. Suddenly, my plan to barge through their door and stake claim on her didn’t seem like such a bright idea. It seemed asinine, in fact. I didn’t want to scare her. So, I put everything off and just enjoyed this beautiful child from afar for a while. Every trip, I’d go with the intention of making my presence known, and each time, I’d decide against it.

  The more I acted as a spectator, the clearer it became that Rose had a good life. She was a happy little girl, well-cared for and genuinely loved. The realization of that made it even harder to reveal myself.

  So, I became The Invisible Dad.

  For weeks.

  Evangeline had no idea what I was up to on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Our relationship was temporarily at a standstill. We were giving each other space. She spent her days with Addy, helping to reorganize the shop for the reopening. Evangeline probably thought I was avoiding her for other reasons, but it was mainly my needing to focus on the situation with Rose for a while that kept me away.