Sins of Sevin

by Penelope Ward

  “I can’t help it,” she said, continuing to destroy the cup.

  Wearing a skirt and fancy blouse, Evangeline was overdressed for the occasion. I didn’t say anything because I knew it made her feel more confident; she wanted to make a good impression.

  My own nerves were also acting up. Closing my eyes, I listened to the sounds of bouncing basketballs from the nearby court along with children playing tag in the crowded playground area.

  Suddenly, the smell of hot dogs hit me, prompting me to open my eyes. A food truck had parked just outside the fence behind us.

  I turned to her. “You want one?”

  She shook her head. “I have no appetite. You do?”

  “No.” I smiled.

  A few minutes later, I heard her name before I spotted her.

  “Wait, Rose!”

  Her black pigtails were swinging back and forth as she ignored her mother and ran straight to the climb-up tower above the red tube slide.

  Evangeline and I both stood up from the bench in unison as Genia Simonsen walked toward us.

  She was holding a small cooler and said, “Sorry. She has a mind of her own. She’ll come back when she’s hungry or thirsty. How long have you been waiting?”

  “Not long,” Evangeline lied. We’d actually arrived so early that we were the first people here.

  “We’ve been so busy packing for the move. She’s just a little overly excited to be out of the house.”

  “I can imagine,” Evangeline said as she licked her lips and flashed a fake smile.

  We made awkward small talk until Rose ran toward us. “Mommy, I’m thirsty.”

  Genia reached into the cooler. “I have your water here.”

  Rose chugged it down before closing the cap. She hadn’t looked at us and started to take off again.

  “Wait a minute, missy!” Genia shouted after her. “Say hello to my friends before you run off again.”

  “Hello.” She made eye contact with me in particular then seemed to examine my arm. “I remember you.”

  “You do?”

  “Uh-huh. You helped me find my ball.”

  Wow.

  “That’s right. That was many months ago. I can’t believe you remembered me.”

  “I remember the E on your arm.”

  I chuckled as I looked down at the tattoo on my forearm.

  “You’re very sharp.”

  “What does the E stand for?”

  Curious as to what she would say, I responded with a question. “What do you think it stands for?”

  “Elmo?”

  While the three adults laughed at her response, Rose looked so cute as she stood there confused. Little did she know that just beneath my shirt was a tattoo of her own name. I’d recently had Rose inked over my heart.

  “The E stands for Evangeline.”

  Genia glanced over at me with a slight look of warning. I’d forgotten that we weren’t supposed to say our names. I wasn’t thinking. Evangeline looked at me, too, seeming surprised at my answer. She’d once wrongly assumed that the E stood for Elle; it always stood for Evangeline.

  “Who’s Evangeline?” Rose asked.

  “Someone special.”

  “Like your dog?”

  “Something like that. Do you have a dog?”

  “No. My mom won’t let us get one.”

  I would SO get you a dog.

  Anything you wanted.

  She turned to Evangeline for the first time. “I like your hair.”

  “Thank you. I like yours, too.”

  They had the same exact hair.

  Out of nowhere, Rose suddenly bolted in the direction of the slide. Evangeline stayed quiet but wouldn’t stop staring at Rose. I suspected she was going through the same emotions I was the first time I got to see our daughter in person. It was one thing to think about her, but another altogether to see your flesh and blood right in front of you, especially when it was as precious as Rose.

  Continuing to keep her eyes on Rose, Evangeline finally spoke up. “How does she handle her disability in general?”

  “It’s all she’s ever known, which in some ways makes it easier than losing functionality later in life.” My thoughts immediately turned to Elle as Genia continued, “We’ve always encouraged her not to give up on the things she thinks she can’t do. Like baseball. That took a while, but eventually she was able to play almost exactly as well as the other kids.”

  I nodded in agreement. “I admire what you’ve done, encouraging her to be the best that she can be. Thank you.”

  “Thank you for not fighting the adoption. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”

  “Are you going to tell her someday?” I asked.

  “We’re not sure.”

  “She has a right to know.”

  “We’re considering it, just not anytime soon.”

  “She’s never asked why she looks so different from her sisters?”

  Before Genia could answer me, Rose ran toward us. She had dirt all over her bottom.

  “Can I have my Capri Sun?”

  “That’s for lunch. You want to sit down and eat now?”

  “Yes.”

  Genia handed Rose a peanut butter and jelly sandwich along with the pouch of juice. Taking a spot on the bench, she began to devour her lunch then turned to me with her mouth full. “Why are you named after a number?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your name…Seven.”

  Genia’s eyes widened.

  “I never told you my name.”

  “You told my Daddy once.”

  I’d forgotten I’d told Robert my name before he shooed Rose away that day at the baseball field.

  “How did you remember that?”

  “It’s easy to remember a number.”

  She turned to Evangeline. “What’s your name?”

  Hesitating, she finally said, “Sienna.”

  “That’s pretty.”

  “Thank you. So is Rose.”

  Rose did this thing where she hummed when she chewed. At one point, Evangeline and I, who were fixated on her, looked at one another and smiled with a look that said, We did that?

  Rose handed me the rest of her sandwich. “You want this?”

  Genia laughed. “Rose, I don’t think he wants to eat your scraps.”

  “Are you kidding?” I joked, “I love peanut butter and jelly!” I took it from her and stuffed my face, making noises that sounded sort of like Cookie Monster. Rose started to laugh.

  When her cackling died down, she casually swung her legs back and forth and randomly said, “We’re moving to Origami.”

  “Oregon?”

  “Yeah. Oregon.”

  “I heard. How do you feel about that?”

  “I don’t want to go.”

  “I know how you feel.”

  “You’re moving there, too?”

  I wish.

  She didn’t realize I was referring to my own feelings about her leaving.

  “No, but I’ve moved away before. It can be scary, but when I moved here to Kansas from Oklahoma, I met some really great people who changed my life. Some amazing things happened. I don’t regret any of it. For one, if I hadn’t moved, I wouldn’t be here with you right now.”

  Of course, she didn’t really get it. She wasn’t supposed to.

  “You wouldn’t be eating peanut butter and jelly.”

  “Right…yeah.” I grinned. “Just remember that sometimes, good can come out of things that seem bad or scary at first.”

  “Like my arm? How I’m missing half? Someday, I’ll be happy about it?”

  I had to think about how to respond to that.

  Unable to really answer her question, I simply answered, “I saw the way you play baseball. You should be very proud of yourself.”

  In typical fashion, Rose suddenly jumped off the seat and turned to Genia. “Can I play a little longer?”

  “Sure, honey.”

  She ran off toward the ju
ngle gym.

  We watched her quietly for several minutes while Genia packed up the cooler. At one point, Rose was standing at the bottom of the monkey bars, looking up. She was watching another girl climb. It broke my heart because she looked like she wanted to do it so badly.

  I got up and ran over to her. “You want some help?”

  “Yeah.”

  I lifted her up as she grasped the first bar with her right hand. She let herself hang, and when she started to lose strength, I’d balance her up for a bit before moving her along to the next bar. She’d hang for as long as her one little arm could sustain on each one. We did the monkey bars like this a few times until she tired of it.

  “What did you think?”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “It wasn’t all that.”

  I bent my head back in laughter at her response. “It was more fun when you thought you couldn’t do it, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  When she giggled, it caused a dull ache inside of my chest.

  Genia waved her hand at us. “We’d better get going, honey.”

  The sun shined into Rose’s big brown eyes as she looked up at me. “I don’t want to go.”

  It pained me to say, “I know, but you have to listen to your mom.”

  Feeling defeated, I walked ever so slowly with Rose back to the bench where Genia and Evangeline were waiting.

  Rose was drinking some water when I pulled Genia aside.

  “There’s something I’d like to give you for her before you leave. How can I get it to you?”

  “What is it?”

  “It’s a letter and a family heirloom. If you ever decide to tell her, I’d like her to have it.”

  “I can drop by alone to pick it up sometime this week before we leave town.”

  “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

  Rose ran to a recycling bin to throw out her water. When she returned, she waved her little hand and said, “Well…bye.” As if her leaving right then wasn’t about to devastate our world.

  Genia lingered, knowing that we would need more than just a casual goodbye.

  “Can I have a hug?” I asked. Without waiting for her response, I knelt down as she walked toward me and into my arms without hesitation.

  So trusting.

  Please be careful, Rose.

  Before finding out about Rose, I never truly vocalized my prayers. Now, I prayed every single night, asking God to watch over her. Maybe I never truly believed in God until Rose. She was my first living proof of his miracles—the personification of love. Maybe for me, God was love.

  She smelled liked peanut butter and fresh air. Burying my nose in her pigtail, I tried to burn her scent into memory while praying for the tears stinging my eyes to just go away. I didn’t want to scare her. As much as I was holding back, there was another part of me that had the urge to just blurt out, “I’m your Daddy.” I’d always thought the love I had for Evangeline was the strongest kind; it didn’t compare to my love for Rose, which seemed infinite.

  She was the true love of my life.

  Pursing my lips together to grab my composure, I cherished the last seconds of our hug before pulling away.

  Evangeline hadn’t said a word in a while. She surprised me when she asked, “Can I have one, too?”

  “Okay.”

  Rose’s back was facing me, so all I could see was Evangeline as she shut her eyes so tightly to fend off the tears. When she released Rose, she turned around ever so quickly to wipe her eyes before anyone could see.

  “Take care,” Genia said as she took Rose by the hand, leading her to the parking lot.

  Evangeline and I stood frozen, watching every last movement they made until Rose disappeared from sight into the car.

  Knowing that they would be driving by our spot again in order to exit the lot, I stayed in place. When the green Subaru passed, Rose waved at us one final time from the backseat. I smiled at her, but then a second later when she was gone, the tears finally came. Evangeline buried her face in my chest, and we both let out everything we’d been holding in.

  When I released her, I wiped the tears from her eyes and said, “She’ll come back to us someday. I know it. They’ll tell her.”

  Sniffling, she cried out, “What if she hates us?”

  “Then, we’ll explain everything the best we can.”

  It was too easy to let my sadness fester into anger. I couldn’t live like that anymore. In a sense, losing Rose was the ultimate test of my love for Evangeline. Unconditional love isn’t possible without forgiveness. If we were ever going to truly move on, there was something I needed to say to her even if I wasn’t one-hundred percent sure I truly meant it yet. It had to be said.

  I pulled her back into me and whispered into her ear, “I forgive you.”

  She sighed into my shoulder. “How could you?”

  “Because that’s how much I love you.”

  “Today really made me realize everything we lost.”

  “We did lose something. But she also gained a family that loves her…three sisters. She’s happy. That counts.”

  She released herself from my arms. “She’s happy, but what about us?”

  “We’ll get there.” Seeing the look of doubt on her face as she looked down at the ground, I placed my hand on her chin, prompting her to make eye contact. “Hey. You’re enough for me.”

  That assurance became more important than I could have ever known.

  ***

  In the years that followed, we’d tried everything, but Evangeline was never able to get pregnant again. It was a sad irony, considering her one pregnancy with Rose had such a profound impact on the course of our lives.

  A year after Rose moved away, Evangeline and I got married in the same way that our relationship started: alone on a grassy knoll, the only witness being a cool Kansas breeze. Evangeline carried two roses, one for our daughter and one for my mother, along with blue hydrangeas, which were Elle’s favorite flowers. A reception followed in the form of a Texas-style barbecue in Addy’s backyard. The few guests included Emily and a guy named Zachary, who was courting her. Also in attendance were Luke and his new boyfriend, Alexander.

  We stayed childless, living a life that I would imagine some people with kids occasionally fantasized about: eating out a lot, going on vacations, having total freedom to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. It was Evangeline and me against the world. We would have given anything to share our lives with a child; it just wasn’t in the cards. That was the thorn in our side to an otherwise beautiful life. In many ways, life was like a rose—beautiful but not without the sometimes painful thorny path leading up to the gorgeous red flower. If the red flower represented the best of life, then our flower bloomed on an ordinary Monday afternoon ten years after our playground date with Rose.

  Evangeline had gone out to check the mail and came inside the house with an envelope that was shaking in her hands. When I took one look at the name on the return address label, it all made sense.

  Rose Simonsen.

  CHAPTER 27

  ROSE

  Dear Rose,

  If you’re reading this, your parents have obviously told you the truth.

  I’m finding it hard to sum up in one letter all that I want to say to you. I guess I should start by saying hello. My name is Sevin Montgomery, and I’m your father. Jesus, I sort of feel like Darth Vader right now. (I just realized, you probably don’t know who that is!)

  We’ve actually met a couple of times. I don’t know if you can remember. You were about five, going on six. The first time, you had lost a ball at your T-ball game, and I helped you find it. The second time we met, your mother, Genia, brought you to the playground right before you moved from Kansas to Oregon. Your birth mother, Evangeline, was also with me that day. Genia brought you to the park so that we could see you before you moved. You didn’t know who we really were. Do you recall the monkey bars? Think back. Try to remember. That was me.

  Anyway, you’re pr
obably wondering how your mother and I could have given you up. It’s a very long story, one I’m not sure you’re ready for. I have no way of knowing how old you are as you read this. What I can tell you is that at the time, your mother, Evangeline, felt she had no choice. She believed that your parents would give you a better life than she ever could. I promise to explain everything to you honestly someday and answer every question you have about the circumstances that led to that decision.

  Unfortunately, I didn’t find out about you until several years later – shortly before we first met at the baseball field. By that time, you were already happy and settled with your adoptive family. Your parents weren’t ready to tell you the truth, and I couldn’t in good conscience rip your world apart. That was the only reason I didn’t fight them for you, Rose. Please believe that. It had nothing to do with not wanting you. I fought long and hard with my decision.

  I need you to know that from the first moment I discovered your existence, I fell hopelessly in love with you. Not a day has gone by or will go by when I’m not thinking about you and wishing we could be together. I will pray every day that you come back to me when you’re old enough to decide whether that’s what you want. Please don’t be mad at Evangeline for deciding to give you up. She loves you very much, too.

  I gave your mother, Genia, a ring to go along with this letter. It was my mother’s wedding ring. You were named after her—your grandmother Rose. Actually, you look exactly like her because, well, you look just like me. Every time I was supposed to give the ring to someone, something happened to prevent it. That’s probably because it was never meant for anyone but you. I hope you get to wear it and that it reminds you of how much you are loved.

  I’m so proud of you, Rose. If I never accomplished another thing in this life, that would be good enough for me. Because you are my greatest accomplishment. Your existence is enough to make me glad that I was born. I spent a lot of my early life wondering about my purpose for being alive. That’s a story for another day, too. I hope we get that day, but the choice is yours, my precious girl.

  This letter was not meant to upset you. And you certainly don’t have to see me or Evangeline if you don’t want to. (Your mother and I got back together around the time you moved away.) Just know that we love you and always will. Our address is: 11 Briar Road in Dodge City, Kansas. I don’t plan to ever move, because I want you to always be able to find me. Till that day comes…I love you.