Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  Nodding, I collected the documents and slipped them back in the folder. Blood pounded against the wall of my brain. Although Gage was being kind by not asking for anything out of the ordinary, I couldn’t stand his coldness toward me.

  Gage opened his wallet and put enough cash on the table to cover our bill. I thought about telling him he didn’t have to pay for my coffee, but I didn’t want to create a scene. “I need to get going, but I’ll see you this afternoon,” he said, standing to leave.

  I remained seated. “Okay. See you this afternoon.”

  *

  After meeting with Gage, I took the legal documents to a lawyer recommended by Tamara. Angela Jeffries had bright purple hair and a degree from Berkley.

  After reading everything, Angela glanced up at me. “Honestly, given what you’ve told me about your situation, Coach Merona is being very generous. Legally, he could ask for more, but his requests are reasonable and within the bounds of the legal system.”

  “That’s what I thought.” I shifted uncomfortably in the chair across from Angela’s desk. Should I tell her the rest of my story? She wasn’t a criminal attorney, but maybe she could offer some advice about my future plans.

  “I don’t know Gage personally,” Angela continued, “but Firehouse Fitness has done a lot for the community. Did you know that in addition to Gage’s financial contributions, he also spends time volunteering at a drug rehab center?”

  “He does?”

  Angela leaned forward and lowered her voice. “Rumor has it he lost someone close to him because of addiction.”

  I swallowed hard, touched that Gage had turned our tragedy into something benefiting others. Despite the fact he’d left me, he was a good man and would be a wonderful father to Dash.

  *

  Over the next few weeks, I tried to spend as much time with Dash as possible. That was easier said than done because he was more interested in spending time with Gage who was endless fun.

  Determined to have fun with Dash as well, I hired a boat to take us fishing in the bay on Sunday. Unfortunately, we had to come back early when I got seasick and threw up over the side of the boat.

  “It’s okay,” Dash said as I lay on the couch, a cold washcloth pressed to my forehead. “Dad promised to rent a boat for my birthday. He said he’d even take me and my friends to Alcatraz.”

  “That’s great, Dash.” I fought hard to keep the discouragement out of my voice. I wanted Dash to have a good relationship with Gage, I just didn’t expect it to hurt so much.

  Dash went on to describe the fishing rod Gage was thinking about buying in anticipation of the expedition. “And you know what, Mom?”

  “What?”

  “Dad said next year, when he’s no longer teaching as many classes at the gym, we can spend more time doing fun stuff like that.”

  I removed the washcloth from my forehead and sat up. “Your dad’s cutting back on his work schedule?”

  Dash’s smile was a mile long. “Yep. He said spending time with me is more important. He’s still going to coach basketball, but he wants to make sure he has enough time for me.”

  My heart twisted. At my wedding, Janet had read a Bible passage about love not being jealous. I loved Dash more than anything in the world. I wanted him to be happy and have a good life after I was gone. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but feel lonely, left out, and downright jealous.

  “How are things between your dad and Sheela?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

  “Tye’s aunt?”

  “Yes.”

  “Fine, I guess. What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. Does Gage see her a lot? Is she ever there when you stay for dinner?”

  “No.” Dash laughed. “Sheela refuses to step foot in the loft. She calls it that hovel.”

  I smiled, imagining Sheela probably had extremely high standards, not only in regard to men, but interior design as well.

  “Mom?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What’s a hovel?”

  I wrapped my arms around my son and squeezed him tight. “A hovel is like a shack, kind of dirty and in need of repair.”

  Dash pushed away from me. “Seriously? No wonder they argued about that. The loft isn’t like a hovel at all.”

  “No?”

  “No, it’s the coolest place ever.” Dash went on to tell me how much he loved his bedroom at Gage’s place. Last week, they’d painted the room and had gone shopping for bedding and other accessories. He hadn’t yet spent the night with Gage, but he was planning on sleeping over next week.

  “And you know the best part?” Dash asked.

  “What?”

  “There’s a real basketball hoop on my wall. It’s not a flimsy one like the one you bought me from the dollar store, but a real one like we have in the gym. When I spend the night next week, I can lay in my bed and shoot baskets all night.”

  I smiled sadly, knowing Dash was just being a kid and not trying to hurt my feelings. Still, it made me question how I was going to find the strength to move on to the next step of my plan.

  Chapter 18

  Natalie – 2007

  A month after Gage proposed, Janet threw us an engagement party. Gage hadn’t wanted to invite his parents, but I insisted. “Even if they don’t come, extending the invitation is the right thing to do,” I told him.

  Gage laughed. “Why do you always have to do the right thing?”

  I cringed. He had no idea I’d forged the doctor’s prescription the other week. Nor did he know what else I’d started doing to get the pills I needed for my pain.

  Forcing a smile, I pushed all that away and focused on Gage. “We’ll invite your parents, and if they don’t respond, then at least we know we tried.”

  Gage agreed, and to our surprise, Miriam and Arthur were the first guests to arrive at the party. Standing in Janet’s living room, Gage reintroduced me to his parents. I shook hands with them and thanked them for coming.

  We chatted about traffic and the weather. Then, as more guests arrived, I excused myself to greet them.

  A little later, I watched Gage’s parents walk out to the car without saying goodbye to me. Janet placed a hand on my shoulder. “At least they came.”

  I smiled and nodded in agreement. “At least they came.”

  After the party, Gage drove Uncle Leo and me back to the house. Uncle Leo went to bed while Gage and I sat at the kitchen table, sharing a piece of leftover cake.

  “My parents offered me a job tonight,” Gage said.

  “Working for your family’s company?”

  Nodding, Gage took another bite of cake. “I’d still have to travel to Thailand one week out of the month, but the pay would be twice as much as I’m making now.”

  “Wow.”

  “I know. We could actually start saving money for a house.”

  “So, you’re thinking about taking it?” I scooted forward to stretch my neck and shoulder. My body was always sore these days, no matter how often I did my physical therapy exercises.

  Gage began kneading the knots in my back. “I think I should take the job. What do you think?”

  I folded my arms on the table and used them as a pillow for my head. “I think you should become a professional massage therapist. That feels really good.”

  He laughed and continued working on my sore muscles. “Seriously, what do you think?”

  I think I need to take a pain pill and go to bed.

  “Natalie?”

  I looked up at him. “One week a month doesn’t sound too bad. I’d miss you, but I know you’re not happy in your current job. Would you be happy working with your parents?”

  “I think I could learn to be happy.”

  The decision hung in the air. I knew Gage was waiting for me to give the go-ahead. I didn’t like the idea of him traveling so much, but I didn’t want to be the one to hold him back. “I think you should do it.”

  “You do?”

  I nodded. “I want you to be happ
y, so if that’s what you want to do, I fully support you.”

  He grinned and drew me close. “You make me happy, Natalie.”

  “You make me happy, too.”

  Sometimes the rebel inside me rolled her eyes at these sappy exchanges Gage and I shared, but I truly loved him more than I ever thought possible. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I truly believed he was my soul mate.

  “There’s something else,” Gage said.

  “What?”

  He brushed back my hair and tucked it behind my ear. “My parents want to pay for the wedding.”

  “They do?” I was shocked and a little suspicious. “Why?”

  Gage smiled. “I think they finally understand how important you are to me. I think—” He paused and laced his fingers through mine. “I think they judged you based on your parents. I know it wasn’t fair, but they were just worried.”

  I cringed because I was worried too. My need for pain medication was getting worse not better. I’d tried talking to my doctor about it, but he’d been unhelpful.

  “What’s wrong?” Gage asked, reading my mind.

  “Nothing.” I refused to believe I was headed down the path of addiction. My body was just taking a little longer to heal. Maybe with Gage’s new job things would get easier.

  Placing a hand on his cheek, I kissed him gently. “I’m just glad we invited your parents to the party, aren’t you?”

  He laughed. “Are you saying you’re glad you were right and I was wrong?”

  I shrugged. “A little.”

  Gage kissed me. Everything was going to be okay. We were getting married, after all.

  *

  The next morning, Gage’s mother called to talk about the wedding. “Now, I don’t want to barge in with my plans,” Miriam said, “but I have a few connections and ideas if you’re interested.”

  “Sure, but Gage and I want to keep it small. Only close friends and family.”

  “I understand. I just want to help, but if you’d rather I didn’t—”

  “No, I’d love your help.” I wanted to keep the peace, and I hoped working together on the wedding would improve our relationship.

  “Wonderful. Give me your email, and I’ll forward some ideas I have.”

  I did, and within minutes, I received a flood of emails regarding caterers, venues, and photographers. Because Gage and I wanted to get married this summer and we were short on time, Miriam had gone ahead and booked several venders.

  At first, I was taken aback by her presumptive move. Then, I told myself she was just trying to be helpful and I shouldn’t get stressed out by her actions.

  Within days, however, wedding plans spiraled out of control as Miriam took over, appointing herself in charge of every decision. Despite my insistence that we keep the celebration small, she mailed save-the-date invitations to over three hundred guests without my knowledge.

  I tried talking to her about it, but Miriam was a master manipulator. Every conversation we had left me feeling insignificant and unworthy of her generosity.

  Gage was no help when it came to wedding issues. Once he started working for his family’s company, he was never available. One week a month overseas quickly turned into ten days.

  Plus, he didn’t really care about the wedding details. “As far as I’m concerned,” he told me, “we could get married at the diner and I’d be happy.”

  After a long conversation with Janet, I decided to stop fighting Gage’s mother and let her have her way. She and Arthur were paying for our wedding, after all, so what did it matter if she thought we should go with the more expensive cake containing the walnuts I was allergic to?

  After a long day of shopping with Miriam, Gage and I relaxed in the pool on top of his condo. It was an unseasonably hot spring day, but the sun felt amazing beating down on us.

  “Can’t we just run off to Vegas and forget about all this wedding stuff?” I asked, staring out at the Chicago skyline.

  Gage sighed. “I know my mom can be overbearing, but I haven’t seen her this excited in a long time.”

  “I know, and I’m grateful for her help, but—”

  “You wish she’d back off a little?”

  I nodded. “Yes, exactly.”

  “Welcome to the story of my life.” Gage gently touched my shoulder. “You’re starting to burn.”

  “I’ve got sunscreen in my bag.”

  “I’ll get it.” He pulled himself out of the pool and hopped on one leg to our stuff. His prosthesis wasn’t waterproof, so he’d taken it off in order to swim.

  “The sunscreen should be in that side pocket,” I said as he picked up my bag.

  “Got it.” He tossed the sunscreen to me, then paused and reached back into the bag. “You’re not still taking these, are you?”

  I glanced at the prescription bottle in his hand and automatically answered, “No.”

  Gage frowned. “Why do you still have them?”

  I scrambled to come up with a logical explanation. “I guess I forgot they were in there.”

  He studied me carefully. “This is what they gave me after I lost my leg. It made me so loopy I couldn’t function.”

  “I know,” I lied, not daring to tell him I loved how those pills made me feel. Light and airy yet completely in control. In other words, wonderful and free from pain.

  Gage returned the prescription to my bag and hopped toward me. He sat on the edge of the pool, dangling his leg in the water. “If you’re still taking that medicine—”

  “I’m not.” I handed him the sunscreen and turned so he could rub it on my shoulders. When had I become so skilled at lying?

  Gage rubbed the sunscreen into my skin. “I only took one or two of those pills. After that, I just decided I’d rather deal with the pain than feel drugged all the time.”

  “I know.”

  “Have you thought about trying yoga?” he suggested. “I’ve heard it can help with lower back pain.”

  I clenched my jaw. Gage had no idea what he was talking about. People handled pain differently. Just because he was able to survive losing a leg without heavy-duty painkillers didn’t mean I could handle my pain as effectively.

  Obviously, I was one of those patients who needed something stronger than the average person. Maybe because of my parents’ issues with drugs I wasn’t as easily affected by medication like most people. Maybe I just needed something more aggressive.

  Gage’s hands slowed. “Natalie?”

  “What?” Frustration sliced through my voice.

  He hesitated, then removed his hands from my shoulders.

  Forcing a smile, I turned to face him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to talk to you like that. It’s just been a long day.”

  He studied me carefully. “You’d tell me if there was something wrong, wouldn’t you? You’d tell me if you were having problems getting off your medication or—”

  “Of course,” I said.

  “You promise?”

  “Yes.” Irritability snaked through me. I wanted to tell him to mind his own business, but as his future wife, I was his business just as he was mine. Slipping my arms around his waist, I moved closer. “Everything is fine, I promise.”

  But how could I promise Gage something I couldn’t even promise myself?

  *

  After Gage found the pills in my bag, I was determined to stop taking them. I knew the drug wasn’t good for me, and I hated being so dependent on it, but it made me feel so good.

  Besides, it wasn’t as if I were using cocaine or some other street drug. This was a medication prescribed by a doctor. Yes, I’d started obtaining it illegally, but I wasn’t an addict like my parents or one of the many drug seekers who came into the ER looking for a hit.

  No, I was different. I was an educated nurse recovering from a serious injury that could’ve killed me. The fact that I’d survived the accident was a miracle. Taking something to help me recover shouldn’t be a problem.

  What had become a problem was how I’
d started obtaining the drugs. Shortly after I forged the prescription from my doctor, I was at work, preparing the exact same medication for a patient. A horrible thought of stealing one or two pills flashed through my mind, but I pushed it aside, knowing it was wrong.

  When I took the pills to the patient’s room, however, he’d already been transported to a different hospital. I stood frozen, holding the little cup that contained the shiny drugs. I desperately wanted to do the right thing. Desperately wanted to take the pills back to the med room for disposal as required by law.

  “Natalie,” Janet called, rushing into the room across the hall. “I need your help. Quick.”

  Automatically responding to the emergency, I stashed the pills in the pocket of my scrubs to deal with later. The rest of the day rushed by with one crisis after another. It wasn’t until my shift ended and I was checking my pockets that I remembered the pills.

  If I’d been smart or thought I had a problem with prescription drug abuse, I would’ve followed the procedure to throw them out. Instead, I stuck them back in my pocket and left the hospital.

  After that first time, stealing drugs from work became easy. I knew taking drugs from patients was unethical, not to mention cruel, so I never took anything that would interfere with their discomfort. Instead, I simply recorded that the patient had been given two pills instead of one. We were so busy that nobody noticed.

  I hated myself for doing it, but I needed those pills. It wasn’t fair that my doctor refused to refill my prescription. Once my body healed, I’d be able to stop, but I couldn’t work, take care of Uncle Leo, and plan my wedding without a little help.

  On Saturday, I met Miriam at the dress shop for the final fitting of my bridal gown. Standing alone in the dressing room, I stared at myself in the mirror, trying not to see the dark circles under my eyes. My dress was gorgeous, and in just a few weeks, I would be marrying the man of my dreams.

  Yet, my world was crumbling. Stealing drugs from work had become a daily occurrence. Instead of cutting back, I’d moved on to other medications, taking whatever was most convenient.