Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  I knew I needed help, but how could I ask for help when the consequences were so dire? If I admitted I had a drug problem and was stealing from work, I could lose my job, not to mention my nursing license.

  “Do you need help with your dress?” asked Miriam from the other side of the curtain.

  “No, I’ll be right out.”

  “Okay, dear. We’ll be in the fitting room at the end of the hall when you’re ready. I can’t wait to see you in the dress.”

  I glanced at myself in the mirror and smiled sadly. Even though Gage’s mother drove me crazy, she’d been very supportive. Janet was supposed to come with me today, but her daughter had gotten sick, so Miriam had rearranged her schedule to accompany me. Maybe things were improving with my future mother-in-law.

  I pressed a hand to the bodice of my dress and took one deep breath after another. If I started doing my physical therapy exercises more regularly, going to bed on time, eating healthy, and weaning myself off the drugs, I could be clean by the time I walked down the aisle to say, “I do.”

  “You’ve got this,” I told the woman in the mirror. “You’ve got this.”

  Filled with renewed strength, I came out of the dressing room and headed down the hall. Just outside the fitting room, I froze at the sound of Miriam speaking in a hushed whisper. “I’m doing my best, but there’s not a lot to work with, you know?”

  “Hmmm,” the seamstress said.

  “Honestly, I have no idea what my son sees in her, but he’s determined to go forward with the wedding, so what can I do? I’m just trying to prevent her from turning everything into a disaster. You can’t imagine some of her low-class ideas for the wedding.”

  My stomach plummeted at the realization Miriam was talking about me. Gripping the wall, I steadied myself to keep from collapsing.

  Tears burned my eyes. I’d never felt so humiliated or betrayed in my life. How was I supposed to marry Gage, given his mother’s feelings toward me?

  Clenching my stomach, I rushed back to the dressing room. I reached into my purse, opened the zipper compartment of my wallet, and took two pills I’d stolen from work yesterday.

  Desperate for the relief, I popped them into my mouth and swallowed. Then, I squeezed my eyes tight and waited to feel better.

  *

  After the dress-fitting incident, things went from bad to worse. Despite wanting to stop, my drug use only increased the closer we came to the wedding.

  In addition to stealing pills by manipulating my charts, I found an even easier way to satisfy my need. Protocol demanded a nurse find another nurse to oversee the disposal of excess drugs, but who had time for that? We were always so busy that everyone signed off on each other’s charts without question. Skimming pills slated for disposal was super easy.

  Then, I got caught.

  It was just a few days before the wedding when a doctor walked in on me as I pocketed several pills. Fear and shame filled me as he dragged me by the arm to Janet. After explaining what he saw, he demanded I be fired.

  For a moment, I felt relieved. Maybe now I could get the help I needed to stop. And at that point, I knew I needed to stop.

  Then, I thought about the wedding. Would we have to cancel it? What would Gage say?

  And Uncle Leo? He’d be devastated to learn I’d been fired for stealing drugs from work. How many times had he lectured me about my genetic disposition to addiction?

  Janet glared at the doctor. “Natalie is our best nurse. Without her, the ER would fall apart. I’m not firing our best nurse because of something you think you saw.”

  My stomach twisted as Janet continued. “If I ever see you manhandle another one of my nurses like that again, Dr. Thomas, I swear I will press charges against you.”

  The doctor’s eyes widened. “You’re missing my point. I know what I saw.”

  “Really?” Janet jutted out her chin, refusing to be bullied. “I guarantee I could find a dozen nurses who would defend Natalie, starting with me.”

  To my absolute shock, the doctor backed down. He mumbled something about Janet needing to take care of the problem before it got out of hand. “You know how these cases go,” he said. “It’s only going to get worse. If she hurts a patient because she’s high, the blame will fall on you as her supervisor.”

  “Are you threatening me?” Janet said.

  “I’m telling you the truth.” He stormed out of the room.

  Janet shook her head. “Can you believe him?”

  “No,” I said, astounded.

  “You’re not the only nurse he’s accused of having a problem. I think he just gets off on feeling all powerful, you know?”

  “I know.” I left her office completely shocked. I couldn’t believe I was going to get away with it. If Janet and I weren’t friends, would she have believed the doctor?

  After that, I realized I’d been given a second chance, and I vowed to stop. Stealing drugs and managing it all wasn’t worth the stress. I’d just have to find a different way to deal with my life.

  Instantly, my mind went to the pain meds under the car seat. No, that bottle was empty. I’d have to—

  Stop! Just stop!

  I had to stop thinking about my pills. I’d almost lost my job. This was crunch time. If I didn’t stop using, I was going to lose everything. It wouldn’t be easy, but I could quit. I had to.

  And I did. For about two weeks.

  But my addiction was too powerful. Too demanding. Too greedy. Eventually, I couldn’t resist and I went back to stealing drugs at work, only this time it was more pills and more frequently. More, more, more.

  Every time I stole from work, I told myself it would be the last time. I was constantly edgy, and whenever Gage asked what was wrong, I’d tell him I was just stressed about work and the wedding.

  At least saying I was stressed wasn’t a lie. I’d never been more stressed in my entire life.

  “It’ll be better after the wedding,” Uncle Leo said during a particularly demanding day.

  “You’re probably right.” I wanted to ask him about my parents. Maybe if I understood their addiction, I could understand my own.

  But I couldn’t bring myself to talk to Uncle Leo about it. Not after all he’d done for me. I was afraid he might view my drug problem as a failure on his part, and I didn’t want him to feel that way.

  *

  When the day of the wedding finally arrived, I dressed at the church. “You look beautiful,” Janet said. “How do you feel?”

  “Ready to put all this wedding stuff behind me and just be married.”

  “I understand.” She offered a sad smile as though she wanted to say something.

  “What?” I asked, worried.

  Janet forced a smile. “Is everything okay, Natalie?”

  Tears filled my eyes. Everything was not okay, but how could I admit that? This was my wedding day. I was minutes away from becoming Mrs. Gage Merona. Confessing I was a drug addict would definitely put a damper on the event.

  “I’m fine,” I told Janet. “Just a little emotional.”

  She hugged me. “I was a basket case at my wedding, remember?”

  I smiled, remembering the huge fight she’d had with John. They seemed so happy now with their perfect baby and perfect life.

  Janet adjusted my bridal bouquet. “You’re a gorgeous bride, and the wedding will be beautiful. You’ll have fun at the reception. Then, you’ll be on your honeymoon, and it will be just you and Gage. You’ll love it.”

  I blinked. “Thank you for saying that. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.”

  *

  Just like Janet predicted, the wedding and reception were wonderful. Afterward, Gage and I took the limo to the hotel where we would be spending our wedding night before leaving for the honeymoon in the morning.

  “I love you,” he said, pulling me close.

  “I love you, too.”

  Now that the wedding was behind us, I felt confident things would get better. Gage and I would h
ave an entire week in San Francisco away from the pressures of work and his mother.

  After we made love that night, I slipped out of bed and went into the bathroom. I closed the door quietly, careful not to wake my new husband. Then, I dumped my pills down the toilet.

  I knew flushing medication wasn’t good for the environment and I should dispose of the pills in the med room, but I didn’t trust myself. If I didn’t get rid of them now, I feared I never would.

  Gage knocked on the bathroom door. “Natalie, are you okay?”

  For a moment, I panicked, worried he knew what I was doing. “I’ll be right out,” I called. Then, before I could change my mind, I flushed the toilet and watched the pills disappear. That part of my life was over.

  At least, I hoped it was.

  Chapter 19

  Natalie – 2017

  When Dash spent the night with Gage on Friday, I consoled myself by walking down to Fisherman’s Wharf for crab legs. As I waited to place my takeout order, several moms I recognized from Firehouse Fitness entered the restaurant.

  “Natalie!” Tamara said, giving me a huge hug. “We’re having girls’ night out. I should’ve invited you, but I didn’t think my husband was going to be home in time, so I hadn’t planned on coming.”

  “Oh, that’s okay,” I said, feeling like a loser for being at a restaurant by myself.

  Angela, the lawyer who’d helped with Gage’s papers, broke away from the rest of the women to say hello. “Are you here by yourself?”

  “I am.”

  “You have to join us,” both Tamara and Angela said at the same time.

  Everyone else agreed, and before I could refuse, I found myself sitting with the group at a large table by the window overlooking the bay. There were twelve women, and I knew the names of about half of them.

  “You never told us you were married to Gage,” said Cora, the woman I’d met at the gym that first day.

  “Cora,” Tamara scolded.

  “What?” Cora tossed her silky blonde hair over her shoulder and picked up the menu. “I was just trying to start a conversation.”

  “It’s okay.” I glanced around the table. “I’m sure everyone knows by now.”

  The ladies engaged in a combination of nodding and looking down at their menus.

  The waitress arrived to take our drink order. I asked for a club soda and lime, my go-to non-alcoholic drink when everyone else was drinking. I honestly preferred water, but I’d learned that drinking water while everyone else enjoyed a glass of wine or a margarita drew more attention to myself.

  After the waitress left, Cora shouted across the table. “Hey, Angela, does being here give you any post-date PTSD symptoms?”

  As the women giggled, I turned to Angela for an explanation. The lawyer groaned. “I had a bad experience at this restaurant last month.”

  “Because of the food?” I asked.

  Everyone burst into laughter as Angela rolled her eyes. “No, the food wasn’t the problem. It was my date.”

  “It didn’t go well?”

  “Worst date in the history of dating, right?” Cora said.

  “That’s right.” Angela tucked a strand of purple hair behind her ear. “We had nothing in common, and we disagreed about everything. I think we were both relieved when his mother called to say he had to come home because one of his cats was sick.”

  Cora scoffed. “That’s why it really isn’t a good idea to date a grown man who still lives with his mother.”

  Again, the table roared with laughter. A woman sitting next to Cora said, “That should’ve been your first clue, Angela.”

  “Yes, it should’ve been,” Angela agreed.

  The waitress brought our drinks, and I noticed Angela had also ordered a club soda with lime. “I’m a recovering alcoholic,” she explained when she caught me looking at her drink.

  I was surprised by her openness and wished I could be just as transparent about my own substance abuse issues. Afraid of being judged, I never talked about that part of my life with anyone.

  At least not anyone outside of Narcotics Anonymous, but I hadn’t attended an NA meeting since Dash was born. Being responsible for his little life had taken the place of my need for a recovery program.

  The waitress took our food order, and after she left, the women broke into little pockets of conversation. Tamara turned to me and asked how things were going with Gage and Dash.

  “Good,” I said. “I’ve never seen Dash more happy in his life.”

  “Are you okay with that?”

  “Of course.” I stared at the boats rocking in the harbor before turning back to Tamara. “Waking Dash up for school in the mornings has always been painful. Now, he jumps out of bed, excited about hanging out at the gym with Gage after school. It’s like—”

  “It’s like you’ve lost your son?”

  Using my straw, I stabbed the lime floating in my drink. “Well, I guess it feels a little bit like that. I want Dash and Gage to have a good relationship, but . . .”

  “You feel jealous.”

  I nodded. “I do.”

  “Feeling jealous is understandable.”

  “Is it? I don’t want to be jealous. I’m really happy they’re getting along so well.”

  Tamara took a sip of her mojito. “I have a cousin in Texas named Jillian. She and her husband were divorced for several years, but they recently got married again. Actually, it’s the craziest story. Jillian’s ex-husband was shot and developed amnesia.”

  “Seriously?”

  Tamara nodded. “It sounds like a soap opera, but the amnesia reset his personality, transforming him back to the man she fell in love with.”

  “That’s crazy.”

  “I know. Anyway, when her ex-husband started spending more time with their boys, Jillian became jealous. She’d come home and see them playing cards or chess or just talking, and she’d feel left out.”

  “Really?” I felt a tiny ray of hope that maybe I wasn’t a horrible mother for being envious of Dash’s infatuation with Gage.

  “Like you, my cousin wanted her kids to have a good relationship with their father, but she couldn’t help feeling left out at first.”

  I took a sip of my drink. “How’d she get over it?”

  Tamara smiled. “She fell back in love with her ex-husband.”

  I laughed. “Well, good for your cousin, but falling back in love with Gage is not an option for me.”

  “You never know.”

  “Tamara!” I almost spat out my drink. “Aren’t you forgetting about Sheela, your sister-in-law? Isn’t she dating Gage?”

  Tamara rolled her eyes. Leaning toward me, she spoke in a soft voice. “That’s just a formality.”

  “You say that, but—”

  “Trust me.” A wicked smile played on Tamara’s lips. “Now that I’ve seen Gage and his first wife together, I’m absolutely positive he’s still in love with her.”

  *

  After practice on Wednesday, Gage asked if he could speak to me in private. Tamara, who’d arrived just in time to overhear Gage’s request, offered to take Dash home.

  “Can I please go, Mom?” Dash begged. “Tye and I can do our homework together.”

  “Yeah, we can,” Tye said as if this were the greatest plan in the world.

  Although I didn’t like the idea of Gage wanting to talk to me in private, I agreed to let Dash go.

  “He can stay as long as you need, so take your time,” Tamara said, giving me a wink.

  I glanced at Gage, hoping he hadn’t noticed Tamara’s wink. I didn’t want him getting the wrong impression. I also hoped whatever he wanted to talk about wasn’t too serious.

  Doing my best to remain calm, I thanked Tamara. I told Dash to behave, then I followed Gage into the tiny coach’s office just off the main gym. The room was small but tidy. The south wall was dominated by a large one-way window that looked out on the gym and bleachers.

  “So, is this how you spy on all the parents?”
I teased.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.” I turned from the window and looked at Gage, embarrassed by my failed attempt at a joke. “So, what did you want to talk to me about?”

  Gage’s answer was interrupted by Rhodes entering the office with a quick knock. “Hey, Coach—”

  “Rhodes.” My heart softened at the sight of him. That tough-looking teenager had turned into a respectable-looking man. “You’re all grown up.”

  “Hey, Natalie,” he said, giving me a hug. “I’ve been meaning to find you and say hi.”

  “No problem. I’m sure your boss has you doing all kinds of important things around here.”

  Rhodes glanced at Gage. “Yeah, he’s kind of tough on the hired help.”

  I laughed. “Dash said you just graduated from college?”

  “That’s right.”

  “And you’re married to Molly. She’s so sweet. Congratulations. I’m so happy for you.”

  “Thanks.” Rhodes gave me an awkward smile. I’m sure he felt uncomfortable seeing me after all these years.

  “Did you need something?” Gage asked, interrupting.

  “Nah.” Rhodes waved a dismissive hand. “I’ll just talk to you tomorrow. Molly and I are headed home.”

  “Okay, see you tomorrow.”

  I gave Rhodes another hug goodbye and he left, closing the door behind him. Turning back to Gage, I shook my head. “I can’t get over the fact that he’s a man now. That’s wonderful you’ve continued to mentor him.”

  Gage shrugged. “He’s turned out to be a hard worker and a huge asset for the gym. And Molly’s great with the front desk.”

  I nodded, feeling a little awkward to be alone with him again. “You said you wanted to talk to me about something?” I prompted.

  Gage leaned against the desk and folded his arms. The gesture caused one of his short sleeves to rise, revealing his rock-hard bicep. I looked away, not wanting to be distracted by things like rock-hard biceps.

  “Look,” he began, “I hope this isn’t a big deal, but I want to take Dash to church with me on Sunday.”

  “Church?” I suddenly felt extremely claustrophobic. Gage had always been much more religious than me, but he hadn’t gone to church on a regular basis during our marriage. “You go to church now?”