Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  “Probably in a few weeks. Maybe a little longer. Maybe sooner.”

  “Okay.” I hung up the phone, devastated.

  If I had just a few weeks before going to jail, I wasn’t going to spend it in rehab. No, I wanted to be home with Gage where we could talk and make plans for our future.

  Thankfully, Gage agreed. He flew home from Thailand and picked me up the next afternoon. On the drive home, neither one of us said much.

  When we pulled into the driveway, my heart broke. I’d missed my home so much. Missed Gage, my job, and everything about the life I’d had before drugs destroyed it.

  Gage turned off the engine, and we climbed out of the car. He carried my bags inside the house where I was greeted by the stench of stale takeout food.

  “Sorry for the mess,” he said, setting my bags down and throwing away empty Chinese food containers.

  I forced a smile. “It’s okay. Maybe we should open a window?”

  “Good idea.” He walked to the window. As he lifted it, his arms flexed, causing a rush of desire to zoom through me.

  Turning, he smiled at me. Despite the weariness in his eyes, I knew he loved me. I loved him, too.

  Nervous about being with him, I headed toward the bathroom. “I’m going to take a shower, then—”

  “Natalie.” Gage walked toward me, his eyes burning with desire.

  I sucked in a sharp breath as he closed the gap between us and kissed me. Clinging to him, I kissed him back, needing to be with him.

  We went into the bedroom where I had a horrible feeling this would be the last time we’d be together. Don’t think about that, I told myself. We were together now and that was all that mattered.

  Afterward, we lay in each other’s arms, Gage stroking my hair. My mind went to dark thoughts of what would happen when my lawyer called with my surrender date. How was I supposed to drive to jail and turn myself in?

  Gage’s phone rang, and he apologized but said it was important. I told him to go ahead and take the call.

  Despite my anger the last time he took a phone call, I understood his need to make work a priority. We were drowning in debt and needed his income. In addition to the money we owed his parents, he’d taken out a title loan on both our cars and a second mortgage on the house. Our savings was long gone, so all we had was Gage’s salary.

  Feeling nauseated, I went into the bathroom. I’d thrown up this morning, and my headache was back full force. Maybe a tumor was taking over my brain, making all this worrying about going to jail a moot point.

  Standing at the sink, I looked at myself in the mirror. My skin was a pasty white, and there were dark circles under my eyes.

  What would I look like after six years in jail? Would Gage even wait for me that long? What was going to happen to us?

  As tears streamed down my face, I thought about God and crying out to him. But I couldn’t do it. Then, I thought about my meds and how I really needed them right now.

  No, you don’t!

  I needed to breathe, exercise, and practice the coping skills I’d learned in rehab. I needed to pray even if I didn’t believe in God. And I needed to stay strong, knowing the temptation would eventually pass.

  On the other side of the door, Gage gave a hearty laugh. I loved my husband, and I wanted him to be happy, but it stung to hear him laugh so freely on the phone.

  Gage no longer needed me to be happy. I’d simply become a burden to him. I was someone who caused him tremendous stress and financial ruin.

  After finishing nursing school, I’d taken out a small life insurance policy on myself for Uncle Leo. Gage was now the beneficiary. Although he wouldn’t receive a ton of money upon my death, the payout would be enough to get him out of the financial mess I’d created.

  My heart ached with endless pain. In rehab, I learned that suicide was a common thought among addicts. Of course, the counselor insisted killing ourselves was never the answer.

  Still, Gage would be better off without me. That was just a fact.

  I glanced down at Gage’s travel bag on the bathroom counter. I imagined he hadn’t bothered unpacking from his last trip because he had another one coming up.

  Behind his shaving cream, I caught a glimpse of the white cap of a prescription bottle. Instantly, my brain exploded with excitement. What was Gage taking?

  If you can quit for a day, you can quit for a lifetime, a little voice inside my head said.

  I’d been sober several weeks now. I knew all the sayings and all the ways to avoid temptation. I even knew being tempted didn’t mean defeat. Yet, my reaction to that pill bottle was visceral, involuntary, and overwhelmingly strong.

  Just leave the bathroom. Go! Now.

  Lifting the bottle, I saw it was a narcotic prescribed by our dentist. Gage must’ve had some kind of dental procedure he hadn’t told me about.

  I hated the fact he’d gone through something like that alone. We’d grown so far apart that we were strangers, and it was all my fault.

  Oh, Gage. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

  Before I could stop myself, I unscrewed the cap and gazed at the shiny pills. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it. Just close the cap and put the bottle back in the bag.

  Reaching into the bottle, I pulled out one of the pills. It was so tiny in the palm of my hand. How could something so small take away the life I wanted? How could this one little pill have such power over me?

  Suddenly, the door opened and Gage towered above me. I jumped and the entire bottle of pills went flying.

  “Natalie!” Yelling my name like a curse word, he yanked the bottle out of my hands. “Get out! Get out!”

  “Gage, I wasn’t going to take it. I swear. I just—”

  “Stop!” Grabbing my arm, he forced me out of the bathroom. “I don’t want to hear it.” He slammed the door in my face and locked it.

  “Gage,” I screamed, pounding on the door. “I wasn’t going to do it. I promise.”

  He said nothing, but I could hear him shuffling around the bathroom, probably gathering the pills from every last corner. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I tried to figure out what just happened.

  I hadn’t meant to open the lid and take out a pill. If Gage hadn’t come into the bathroom, I would’ve put the pill back in the bottle. I would have.

  Moments later, Gage flung open the door, his travel bag in his hand. “I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ve done everything to help you change, but you don’t want to change.”

  “I do. I—”

  He held up a hand to stop me from speaking. “You’ve been out of rehab less than a day and you’re already looking for your next hit. Do you know how much your treatment cost? And your legal bills?”

  “I’m trying to get better. I really am.”

  He shook his head. “My parents said it was a mistake to send you to that place. They said it was too expensive and it wouldn’t work, but I didn’t believe them. I believed in you. Now, I have no money and a wife I can’t trust. What am I supposed to do with that?”

  His words hit me hard because they were true. “I’m sorry, Gage. I wasn’t going to take the pill, I swear.”

  He looked at me with contempt, then he silently gathered his things and walked out the door. When he started his car and pulled out of the driveway, I crumpled to the floor, sobbing.

  Chapter 35

  Gage – 2007

  Rage consumed me as I drove away from Natalie. After everything I’d done to help her, how could she choose drugs over me?

  Filled with anger, I sped down the highway with no idea where I was going. I just needed distance. Then again, distance was all I’d had from Natalie lately. We’d been apart so long it felt like we weren’t even married any more.

  When my phone rang, I glanced at the caller ID and saw it was my mother. No way was I taking her call right now. She only wanted to see if rehab had fixed Natalie. The answer to that was a resounding no. I sent the call to voicemail and kept driving.

&n
bsp; Moments later, my mother called again. For a second, I thought about answering because she never called two times in a row. If she wanted something, she’d leave me a long-winded voicemail, but badgering me with one call after another wasn’t her style. Still, I couldn’t handle a “told you so” right now, so I rejected the call.

  The third time she called, I had no choice but to answer. “Yes, Mother?”

  “Where’ve you been? Why didn’t you answer my call?”

  “What’s wrong?” I knew my tone was disrespectful, but I was too agitated to apologize.

  My mother responded with silence. Then, she made a heaving sound as if she were crying.

  “Mother?”

  “Your father had a heart attack. They’re taking him to surgery, and we need to be there when he wakes up.”

  I went numb. My dad was in Thailand right now. When Natalie lost the appeal, my father flew overseas in order to meet with our investors—something I was supposed to do.

  “A heart attack?” I didn’t believe her. “I just talked to him a few hours ago, and he was fine.”

  “I’ve booked us on the red-eye flight tonight. Can you get to the airport by ten?”

  I glanced at the clock on my dashboard. As long as I went straight to the airport without going home, I could make the flight. “I’ll be there.”

  I hung up the phone and flew down the highway, ignoring the speed limit. I needed to call Natalie, but I didn’t want to risk getting in a wreck when I was driving so fast. Once I got past security I would call and tell her what was going on.

  Unfortunately, traffic at the airport was horrendous and I barely made it to the gate in time. As I boarded the plane, I dialed Natalie’s cell phone, but she didn’t pick up.

  Was she too high to answer? Frustrated, I hung up and dialed her number again.

  “You need to turn off your phone,” the flight attendant told me as I took a seat beside my mother.

  “I’m almost done.”

  The flight attendant shook her head. “We need all phones turned off at this time, sir.”

  “Just let me finish.”

  “If you don’t hang up now, I’ll have to call security, sir.”

  Aggravated, I did as she said. As soon as we landed, I’d try calling again. I just hoped between now and then Natalie didn’t do anything to make matters worse.

  *

  After flying for hours, my mother and I finally landed in Bangkok. Right away, I called Natalie, but she didn’t answer. My mother and I went straight to the hospital where we learned the surgery had gone well. My father would have to take it easy for several days, followed by weeks of recovery, but he was going to be okay.

  Standing at my father’s bedside, I was shocked by how frail he looked. “Dad? How are you feeling?”

  He nodded. “I’m okay.”

  I gripped the guardrail and pushed out a slow breath. I’d only hugged my father a handful of times in my adult life. While I felt this was probably an appropriate time for a hug, I felt awkward doing so.

  “I’m going to get a cup of coffee while you two talk,” my mother announced, her voice tight. “I’ll be back shortly.”

  My father waited until my mother left the room before speaking. “She can’t stand to see me like this. Thank you for being here, son.”

  “Of course. How are you feeling?”

  “I’m fine. I’m worried about this whole mess with the plant. I didn’t get a chance to talk to everyone, but if the lawsuit continues—”

  “Don’t worry about that now. Just focus on your health.”

  My father looked up with pleading eyes. “I can’t lose the business, son. Your mother would never forgive me for driving her family’s company into the ground. And—” My father pressed his hand to his chest.

  “What is it, Dad? Do you want me to call the doctor?”

  He shook his head. “No. It’s just that I did something really stupid, son. I borrowed heavily against the company in order to expand. Accounting advised against it, but I thought it was important. Now, we’ve got a mess on our hands, and we’re in jeopardy of losing everything.”

  We’d been talking about selling part of the company to pay our debt, but I didn’t know the exact details of our financial mess. Just how bad was it? Would we have to declare bankruptcy?

  “I need you to fix it, son. If we lose Thailand . . . Well, it’s imperative you fix it. Can I count on you?”

  I nodded. “Yes, sir. I won’t let you down.”

  “And Natalie? Is she out of rehab?”

  “She is,” I said.

  “Has she started using again?”

  The answer must’ve flashed across my face because my father took it as a yes. “That’s what addicts do, son. Unless she gets her act together, she’s a liability. The business can’t handle any more risk. If she can’t get things under control—”

  “Dad,” I snapped, frustrated I was yelling at a man just out of surgery but also frustrated my father felt the need to interfere in my marriage. “I’ve got this, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  *

  After seeing my father, I checked my messages again. Not a single one was from Natalie. If she’d left even one high-out-of-her-mind message, I would’ve forgiven her, but she hadn’t even bothered to call.

  I’d always been good at separating my professional life from my personal life, so that’s what I did. Setting aside all thoughts of Natalie, I vowed to work with my mother and the investors to save our family’s company.

  I left one last message with Natalie, explaining why I’d come to Thailand and asking her to call. Then, I told myself if she no longer cared about her commitment to stay away from drugs, there was nothing I could.

  After all, I couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to be helped.

  Chapter 36

  Natalie – 2007

  After Gage left, I couldn’t breathe. Surely, he’d come back. He loved me and believed in me. He wouldn’t stay away forever. He just needed time to cool down. Sobbing, I fell asleep on the couch.

  In the morning, I awoke feeling hung over even though I hadn’t consumed anything. Gage was still gone, and I had no idea where he was or when he was coming home. Maybe he’d crashed at his parents’ house or his office.

  Fumbling in my purse, I searched unsuccessfully for my cell phone. I dumped out my bags and tried to remember the last time I had my cell. I probably left it in my room at rehab. I’d drive back and get it once Gage came home.

  Hoping he’d be back soon, I took a shower and cleaned up the house. Then, I ran to the corner store to buy ingredients for French toast, Gage’s favorite breakfast.

  I half expected his car to be parked in the driveway when I got home, but it wasn’t. As I cooked our breakfast, I practiced what I’d say to him. I’d simply confess that I was still struggling, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love him. I’d tell him I was so sorry for everything and beg for his forgiveness.

  Please, Lord. I know I’m the last person on earth who deserves your mercy, but please soften Gage’s heart when he comes home. I love him so much. I don’t want to lose him.

  When Gage hadn’t returned by lunch time, I left a note on the kitchen counter, saying I’d driven back to rehab to get my phone. I considered driving to his office, but I didn’t want to cause a scene at the company. Plus, I couldn’t deal with his parents right now, especially Miriam.

  Two hours later, I pulled into the facility parking lot, determined to find my phone and get out of there. I checked at the front desk, but they didn’t have it. I talked with housekeeping, the counselors, and the kitchen staff, but nobody knew where it was. Someone thought Ethan had it in the sanctuary, so I headed over there.

  On the way, I was stopped by Belinda who wanted to talk about continuing my rehab outside of the facility. I brushed her aside, not able to deal with that right now. Besides, hadn’t she been the one who’d tried to convince me that Gage was blocking my path to recovery?

  “
I’m here if you want to talk,” she said as I walked away from her.

  In the sanctuary, I found Ethan sitting in one of the pews with my cell. “You have it,” I said, relieved.

  His eyes lit at the sight of me. “I would’ve called, but you didn’t have your phone.”

  “Thanks.” I took my cell from him and scrolled through my messages, sickened that Gage hadn’t called. Why hadn’t he called?

  “Is everything okay?” Ethan asked.

  “No, but . . . I need to go.” I hugged him goodbye, then I ran out to my car, trying to process the fact that Gage hadn’t called to tell me where he was.

  Needing to distance myself from the facility, I drove to Walmart, parked the car, and called Gage’s cell phone. To my relief, he answered on the first ring.

  Only, it wasn’t Gage. It was his mother.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Hello, Miriam. May I speak with Gage, please?”

  There was a long pause at her end. “Haven’t you hurt him enough? He told me what happened on the flight over here.”

  “Wait. What flight?”

  “We’re in Thailand,” she said.

  The knot in my stomach tightened. Gage had flown back to Thailand without even bothering to tell me? When had he made that decision?

  There was a shuffling in the background, then Gage came on the line. “Natalie,” he said, his voice frustrated.

  “I can’t believe you just flew to Thailand without telling me. And you told your mother about me?”

  “Hold on.” He spoke to someone in the background, asking them to give him a minute. The idea that he was going about his business overseas made me want to slam down the phone.

  I heard a door shut, then Gage spoke. “I had to fly to Thailand because my dad had a heart attack.”

  My soul cringed. “Oh, Gage. I’m so sorry. Is he okay?”

  “I think so.”

  Silence followed, then I told Gage I was so sorry about what happened in the bathroom. “I didn’t take anything. I promise.”

  “Okay,” he said, obviously not believing me.

  “When are you coming home?”