Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  “I don’t know. The company is falling apart, and even though my dad is going to be okay, he’s still in the hospital. Right now, my mother needs me to be here.”

  “I need you to be with me,” I said, my voice rising. “I’m going to jail, Gage.”

  “Yeah, and whose fault is that?”

  A sharp silence fell between us, and neither one of us spoke for a long time. Finally, I said, “You have every right to be angry with me. I know that, and I know it’s my fault. But you have to know I’m trying.”

  “Are you?” He spoke with a callousness I’d never heard before. “Last time I saw you, you were scrounging through my things, looking for drugs. I’m sorry, Natalie, but I can’t handle this anymore.”

  “Well, you don’t have to.” I slammed my phone against the steering wheel and shattered it.

  Crying angry tears, I drove home, devastated. By the time I pulled into the driveway, my anger had turned to shame. I hated myself for losing my temper and destroying my phone. Hated myself for being so weak.

  In the bathroom, I brushed my teeth and combed my hair. I looked horrible with my red puffy eyes and chapped lips. Without warning, bile rose up in my throat and I vomited into the toilet.

  How many times had I thrown up since giving up drugs? And what was the point in getting sober if I felt sick all the time?

  What if I never felt better? What if Gage never came back? What if I couldn’t stay clean? And more importantly, what if I didn’t want to?

  All these questions swirled in my head as something on the ground caught my eye. It was a little red pill. Gage must’ve missed it. I’d take just this one pill to get me through until Gage returned. Then—

  “No!” I shouted aloud. Hadn’t I learned my lesson? Didn’t I realize that was the root of all my problems?

  Determined to throw the pill away, I picked it up only to discover it was a piece of plastic from some package. I stared down at it, feeling agitated.

  And just like that, I found myself ransacking Uncle Leo’s bedroom, looking for something to numb the pain. In a state of desperation, I searched both nightstands and the closet but found nothing. Gage must’ve thrown away all the meds, knowing I would once again fall to temptation.

  No wonder why he left me. I was a pathetic drug addict, headed to jail. Who wouldn’t leave a wife like that?

  Chapter 37

  Gage – 2017

  I looked down at Natalie, remembering that horrible phone conversation. “I’m sorry I confided in my mother about you. That was wrong. On the flight, we started talking, and I said too much. I didn’t mean to betray your trust. It’s just that sometimes she can be a good listener, never mind the fact that she has no problem using something said in confidence against you.”

  Natalie closed her eyes. “I know you regretted talking to your mom about us. I listened to your apology on my voicemail once I bought a new phone.”

  My stomach churned as I thought of the message I’d left Natalie after our fight on the phone. I told her I’d loved the person she’d once been, but I couldn’t handle this new Natalie. I went on to say that we needed a break from each other.

  “I was devastated after I listened to your message, even though I knew it was all my fault. Then, you filed for divorce.”

  I hung my head, ashamed I’d given up so easily.

  “I realize now that Ethan probably deleted the messages you left telling me about going to Thailand for your dad. I should’ve listened to your warnings about Ethan. You were right. His feelings toward me weren’t platonic.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  She frowned. “How do you know?”

  I stared at her, my gut wrenching. “I know because I came to the house and saw that he was living with you. I saw that you replaced me with Ethan, someone who could understand what you were going through better than I could.”

  She stared at me with wide eyes. “You came back to the house when Ethan was staying there?”

  I nodded. “I waited until you were gone. Then, I went inside and saw that you and Ethan were living together. After that, I gave up and filed for divorce.”

  All the color drained from Natalie’s face. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Closing her eyes, she shook her head. “Oh, Gage.”

  Chapter 38

  Gage 2007

  After weeks of working hard to save the company and help my parents negotiate my father’s medical issues, I heard about Natalie and Ethan. Craig, one of our VPs, called to tell me he’d seen Natalie in the grocery store with another man.

  “What did he look like?” I demanded.

  Craig described the man as having long hair and a scar across his face. Immediately, I knew it was Ethan, Natalie’s buddy from rehab. I’d specifically warned her to stay away from him, and now they were grocery shopping together? What else were they doing together?

  “I thought you should know,” Craig said.

  “Yes, thank you.” I hung up the phone, devastated. It would’ve hurt less had Craig caught them in bed together. Going to the grocery store implied something more than a fling. Was Natalie in love with this guy? Had she been having an affair with him all along?

  When I finally returned to the States, I drove to the house to talk to Natalie. Parked across the street, I sat in my car and watched her through the kitchen window. She’d gained some weight, but she was still as beautiful as ever.

  She was singing as she washed the dishes. At least, I assumed she was washing dishes. I could only see her from the neck up, but she was wearing an apron and her gaze was down as though looking at the sink.

  I imagined her hands moving through the warm, soapy water as her hips swayed to the music. What song was she singing? “I’ve Got Sunshine” by The Temptations? That had always been one of her favorite songs.

  Suddenly, all the tenderness I felt toward her vanished as Ethan sidled up beside her and gave her a hug. Anger rose inside me as Natalie hugged him back and laughed.

  I clenched my fists, wanting to storm into the house and pummel the guy. How dare he touch my wife like that. Knowing I wouldn’t be able to control my temper, I forced myself to stay in the car.

  Natalie and Ethan moved away from the window. After a while, the garage door opened and Ethan backed Natalie’s car out of the driveway. Natalie sat in the passenger seat, her head turned away from me. I held my breath, waiting for her to realize I was there, but she never did.

  As the car sped away, I thought about following them. Instead, I walked across the street and used my key to enter the house.

  It disgusted me to see Ethan’s things all over the place. Shoes, books, clothes, and magazines lay scattered in the living room.

  I went into the bedroom Natalie and I shared to find Ethan’s stuff everywhere. On the nightstand sat a coffee mug with the inscription, “World’s Greatest Dad.” Men’s pajama bottoms lay on the bed where Natalie and I had made love.

  In the kitchen, I opened the refrigerator and found all sorts of unfamiliar food—organic this and free-range that. Anger shot through me. Natalie ate like a teenager, alternating between pizza and nachos. This health food was all Ethan’s. Obviously, the guy was living here.

  Frustrated, I slammed the refrigerator door. I glanced at the kitchen desk, cluttered with Natalie’s supplies for making jewelry. I couldn’t stand the thought of Ethan keeping Natalie company while she sat here making her necklaces and earrings.

  The sound of the garage door opening set me on alert. I peeked out the window to see Ethan pulling the car into the driveway. Beside him sat Natalie, laughing as she ate an ice-cream cone.

  Everything inside me turned to white-hot liquid. I clenched my fist, jaw, and entire body. I was livid at the sight of seeing Natalie laugh with another man like that.

  Afraid I might do something I’d later regret, I turned and bolted out the back door.

  Chapter 39

  Natalie – 2007

  With Gage gone, my desire for drugs overwhelme
d me. No longer caring about resisting, I tore the house apart, desperate for my fix. I thought about turning to alcohol, but it’d never been as effective.

  Under the bathroom counter, I found the thing that changed my life forever.

  Not a bottle of pills, but a pregnancy test.

  As soon as I saw the box, I knew I was pregnant. I should’ve realized it weeks ago. No wonder I felt sick all the time.

  My periods had never been regular, which was why I’d bought the test in the first place. Of course, I’d gotten my period right after buying the test, so I’d never used it.

  My hands shaking, I followed the directions on the box. When the results confirmed I was pregnant, I felt both terrified and elated. Gage and I were having a baby!

  Knowing whatever I consumed affected my unborn child, I vowed to stay clean for my baby’s sake. In essence, Dash gave me what rehab couldn’t—my sobriety.

  At a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, I reconnected with Ethan. He told me he’d lost his house and was in financial ruin. His wife and kids were living in a women’s homeless shelter across town while he picked up odd jobs and looked for work. Given how much I thought Ethan loved his family, I could only imagine how difficult this was for him.

  “Where are you living?” I asked.

  He avoided eye contact and told me he was sleeping in his car. “Just until I find something better.”

  I bought him a hamburger, and we talked. I told him about Gage leaving me. Then, I confided in Ethan about the pregnancy.

  “Have you told Gage about the baby?”

  “Not yet.” Blinking back tears, I placed both hands on my belly. “I feel like the only thing keeping me clean is this baby. Once I tell Gage, it will be different. I don’t want him coming back just because of the baby, and I don’t want him taking the baby away from me.”

  Ethan frowned. “What do you mean taking the baby away from you? Do you mean after the baby’s born?”

  I nodded.

  “He’ll have to take the baby once you go to jail.”

  “Maybe not. There’s a program that allows mothers to keep their babies. Maybe if I’m lucky the baby will be able to stay with me in jail and I won’t have to give him up.”

  “But that’s only for a few years, right? Once the baby turns two or three, they can’t stay with you anymore.”

  “I don’t know. Honestly, I’m just trying to take it one day at a time while I wait for my surrender date.”

  Ethan nodded. “I get that.”

  I smiled sadly, worried for him. He seemed so depressed and discouraged.

  “Are you doing okay for money?” he asked. “Is Gage still supporting you?”

  I nodded. “I’m okay.”

  “What about your jewelry? Have you thought about selling it?”

  “Not really. I’ve sold a few pieces to nurses in the past, but I just like to make it for fun. I don’t think I could ever earn a living from it.”

  “You should try selling it online. I could help you set up a website. You could even start a blog.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not going to have time for that, Ethan. My lawyer said the court will be calling any day. It’s not like I’ll be allowed to run an online business from my jail cell.”

  “You’re right.”

  “Honestly, I’m just trying to stay sober and prepare for jail. I’ve been cleaning out Uncle Leo’s things so Gage won’t have to worry about that when he comes home.”

  “Just be careful about lifting too much because it can hurt the baby. My wife got preeclampsia with our middle daughter.”

  “I’m only moving the little things. I’ll probably hire movers to help with the larger items, like the dresser and the recliner.”

  “I could help you,” Ethan suggested. “You wouldn’t have to pay me, but maybe I could sleep on your couch for a few nights? Just until I get back on my feet.”

  I knew Gage wouldn’t approve, but Gage was halfway across the world, not dealing with me. Besides, Ethan and I were just friends. Having him sleep on my couch while he helped me with the house wouldn’t hurt anything.

  I accepted Ethan’s offer, and over the next few weeks, we worked together clearing Uncle Leo’s belongings from the master bedroom. Most of the things we either donated or took to the consignment store, but Ethan helped me list a few things online. Selling on the internet was easier than I thought, so after that, I was inspired to try marketing some of my necklaces online.

  To my surprise, strangers actually bought my jewelry. I used that money to pay for shipping and purchase more supplies. I also started a blog that generated income from advertisements. Before I knew it, I had a little cottage business with a steady income.

  Once Ethan and I cleared the master bedroom and painted it, I moved my things into Uncle Leo’s old room.

  Against my better judgment, I allowed Ethan to stay in the small bedroom I’d once shared with Gage. I could only imagine what Gage would say about the arrangement, but Ethan was struggling. He’d only been able to find part-time work, and his car was in need of repair.

  Plus, Ethan had already been through a pregnancy with his wife three times, so he was able to help me make nutritious meals that didn’t cost a lot. He also encouraged me to rest and take care of myself.

  When Gage filed for divorce, I spiraled into a deep depression. I cried for days, barely able to get out of bed. Even though Gage and I hadn’t spoken in months, I never imagined he’d divorce me. Did he have someone else?

  Ethan tried to comfort me, but I was inconsolable. My husband no longer loved me. No longer cared about my well-being. No longer wanted to stay married.

  Lying in bed, I sobbed, devastated. What was I going to do without Gage? What would happen to the baby once I went to jail?

  Ethan came into my bedroom and rubbed my back. At first, it was comforting and I was grateful for his friendship. He’d been so good to me.

  Then, he worked his hand lower, crossing a line I never wanted him to cross. I recoiled at his touch, but that only seemed to encourage him.

  “Ethan, stop!” Pushing him away, I sat up in bed.

  “Is that what you really want?” he said, calmly. “I see the way you look at me.”

  Still on the bed, I pulled my legs into my chest and wrapped my arms around them. “What are you talking about?”

  “A woman doesn’t invite a man into her house without ulterior motives. Where did you think things were headed between us?”

  “Nowhere,” I answered, honestly.

  Ethan studied me carefully. “Gage isn’t coming back.”

  The lump in my throat turned to a boulder. Ignoring his statement, I asked about his wife.

  He offered a sad smile. “She doesn’t understand me the way you do.”

  I shook my head, disgusted. Up until he touched me, I hadn’t felt anything but friendship for Ethan. Now, I didn’t even feel that. I just felt dirty and violated. “I think you should go.”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  I looked him straight in the eye. “I do. I need you to take your things and leave. Letting you stay here was a mistake.”

  “Who’s going to take care of you if I leave?” he asked.

  I bit down hard, remembering how I’d once been so independent, insisting I didn’t need anyone but myself. I’d been stupid to trust Ethan. For that matter, I’d been stupid to trust Gage.

  “You need to leave,” I repeated.

  “Fine.” Ethan stood and glared down at me. “Nobody will ever treat you as good as I’ve treated you.”

  I said nothing, and to my relief, he left. Holding my breath, I stayed in my room, listening to him drag his things out to his car. I prayed it would start and car trouble wouldn’t be the thing that kept him here.

  When the engine roared to life and he drove away, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then, I went around the house, closing the windows and locking the doors.

  Once the house was secure, I pressed my back against the front door, my
heart pounding. I’d never felt so alone and afraid. With Ethan here, I’d been able to ignore a lot of my problems. Now, I was on my own and scared to death.

  I didn’t know if the baby could sense my emotions or if it was just a coincidence, but for the first time, I felt him kick. I gasped in surprise and placed a hand on my stomach. Holding perfectly still, I waited.

  “Are you there, baby?”

  My little guy’s response was a resounding thwack against my belly. I smiled. Maybe I was kidding myself, but it felt like he was saying, “Don’t worry, Mom. We’re going to be fine, just you and me.”

  Chapter 40

  Natalie – 2017

  After talking to Gage about all the factors that tore us apart, I was heartbroken. Alone in Gage’s guest bedroom, I didn’t think there was any way to turn something like this into a positive.

  We’d lost our marriage for so many reasons. I knew I wasn’t innocent in all of this, but I was outraged Gage had come to the house, seen Ethan’s things, and concluded I was sleeping with Ethan. How could Gage have thought so little of me?

  Then again, I’d destroyed the trust between us not just with my addiction, but also by not telling him about Dash. If Gage and I had been forced to sit in a room and talk, could we have worked things out? Could we have found a way to avoid our divorce?

  I didn’t know, and at this point, it didn’t really matter. What was important was completing my plan to rectify my past transgressions. Next week, after the school musical, I’d talk to Gage and Dash about everything. Then, I’d fly back to Chicago and turn myself in. I’d serve my time, get out, and resume my life.

  Dash was going to be fine and so was Gage.

  I just didn’t know about myself.

  *

  On Monday, Dash and I moved out of Gage’s apartment. I had less than a week left with my son, and I needed some alone time with him.

  Tuesday morning, I dropped Dash off at school and was accosted by Tamara. “Two of my volunteers got sick. Is there any way you could help paint scenery for just an hour?”