My One Regret

by Krissy V

  “Yeah I’m fine, I’m just really tired. Can we just go for dinner in the hotel? I’ve heard the restaurants are fantastic. Then after a good night’s sleep we can head off to the park and start living out your childhood dreams,” he says wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in for a chaste kiss on my cheek.

  “MMM if you keep doing that I won’t make dinner,” I say wrapping my arms around his neck. “I'm actually hungry, we can finish this later,” I pull away and turn to the door to make our way down to dinner.

  The food really is fantastic and we sit by the window where we can look out and see the beautiful beach. However, Chad is very quiet, I just put that down to the tiring journey. I can’t get enough food, it’s so tasty and I’m starving. I even eat some of Chad’s because he doesn’t seem to be able to finish his dinner. “Mmm babe, this is amazing, are you sure you can’t eat anymore?” I say looking at him and touching his cheek.

  “No, I think I just need to get to bed, then I’ll feel so much better tomorrow Cassie,” he says yawning. We finish up and go back up to the room, normally on the first night on our trips we take our time making love and then fall asleep in each other’s arms. When I go into the bathroom to get changed for bed I hear Chad getting into bed. I come out of the bathroom about ten minutes later and he is fast asleep on his side of the bed.

  I climb in next to him and give him a kiss on the cheek. “I love you Chad, sleep tight.” It takes me a while to fall asleep because my mind is working overtime. Why is Chad so tired? I will have to make sure he goes to a doctor when he gets home. Why didn’t he make love to me? Why was I thinking about Jordan after all this time? I have loads of images of David in my mind after reading that article on the plane.

  I finally fall asleep and have a mad dream about the night when it all happened. Although, in my dream, David manages to rape me and I didn’t get away from him, but then Jordan came and rescued me. I was screaming at him to help me, save me and to get David off me, I was sobbing and screaming at the same time. The next thing I know someone is pinning me down to the bed and I start thrashing. “Cassie baby stop, stop, it’s me Chad. What’s the matter? What are you screaming for? Calm down,” he sounds petrified.

  I sit up and look around me and then grab hold of Chad and hug him like my life depends on it. “Sorry Chad, I was having a nightmare, I’m sorry if I woke you.”

  He holds me at arm’s length and says “what the hell Cassie, that didn’t sound like a nightmare.”

  “Sorry Chad, it was just a nightmare. I read an article on the plane about rape and sexual abuse victims and it must have struck a chord with me, that’s all. Now come on let’s go for breakfast, I’m starving and I want to get out to see Mickey and Minnie.” I laugh.

  Chad looks at me and then laughs with me. “Come on then princess, let’s go meet Mickey and Minnie.”

  We go down to breakfast and I notice that Chad still looks tired and he isn’t really saying much. The twinkle in his eye has disappeared. I’m worried about him now. “Did you not sleep well?” I ask him. “I didn’t keep you awake all night did I?”

  “No, you didn’t, baby honest. I’m just tired, this bug has been at me for what feels like weeks and it’s just wearing me out” he says. I can see he’s not feeling the best today either.

  “If you don’t feel well, then you can stay here and hopefully you will feel better after a day’s rest. I’d still like to go though if you don’t mind, I’ve dreamt of this for years,” I say feeling guilty for suggesting that I still want to go even though he wants to stay here.

  “Cassie, I really don’t want you to go on your own, but you might be right, a day’s rest might be what I need. We can go to the show tonight and watch the firework display. I’m sure I’ll be feeling better by then. Now you have to promise to send me a picture of you with Mickey and Minnie though, just so I can see that you’re enjoying yourself,” he says with a smile.

  I leave the Hotel and get on the monorail which takes me straight into Disney World and I feel like I am a small child looking at all the shops, the rides, the cinemas everything. I stop at lunchtime and send a picture of me with Mickey Mouse to Chad.

  “Me and Mickey. Are you jealous?”

  “Looks like fun!”

  “How are you feeling? Are you able to come and meet me?”

  “I’ve been asleep since you left. I still feel tired though. Carry on without me and you can tell me all about it this evening over dinner.”

  I get worried. Something just isn’t right here, but I have to admit that I get easily distracted by the Parade. Wow, if you’ve never seen this then you have to put it on your bucket list. It is amazing and I am so happy. I just wish I could share it with someone I love.

  I think I must be really emotional after my nightmare because as I am stood in front of the Disney Castle I feel like someone is watching me. It’s the same feeling I had a few years ago in Alcatraz, when Bonnie and Danni were visiting. I’ve had it a few times, but I just put it down to the fact that I was going over the whole David thing. I twirl around but don’t see anyone I recognise so I take a photo of the castle and then walk off looking for Minnie Mouse.

  I get my picture with Minnie and send it to Chad.

  “Me and Minnie, I just love her dress. What do you think? Will it suit me?”

  I’m thinking of my Victoria Secret dress that I am going to wear later for him.

  I don’t get a reply, so assume he is asleep. I decide to go back to the hotel at about six o’clock so that we can have dinner together. I am really giddy with excitement when I get out of the lift and walk over to our room. As soon as I open the door I can sense that something isn’t right. I can’t put my finger on it but I start having flutters in my stomach and my heart starts palpitating. I don’t know what to expect as I walk into the bedroom. What I find will haunt me for the rest of my life.

  I walk around the corner in the room and there in the middle of the bed is Chad. He is as white as a sheet and there is blood and vomit all over the bed. I’m shocked! I stop and stare for a few seconds and then run over to the bed. “Chad, Chad, wake up, what’s going on?”

  I can feel myself getting hysterical. I’m shaking Chad and he’s not answering me, I start shaking him even more. “Chad, come on. Chad, wake up, let me help you. Please come on, wake up. I love you. Don’t you dare leave me.” I’m crying now.

  I walk over to the telephone and ring down to reception. “Please can you call an ambulance, my husband isn’t responding please help me, please!” I’m sobbing on the phone now.

  It only takes about ten minutes for the ambulance to get to us, but it feels like an hour. By the time they arrive, Chad still hasn’t woken up. “Chad, come on the ambulance is here and they are going to take you to the hospital. I’m coming with you and I am going to hold your hand all the way. I’m not going to leave you. Please Chad don’t you leave me, please. I’m sorry I left you today, I should have been there to help you.” I’m kissing him but the paramedics are asking me to move out of the way so that they can examine him and start getting some medication into him.

  I’m numb. I don’t know what to do and I don’t like it. I’m usually so in control of my life and I can feel myself starting to lose control. Deep breaths in and breathe out slowly, deep breath in and breathe out slowly. I have done these breathing exercises so many times in my life when I start to panic. They are usually the only way to calm myself down.

  This time it doesn’t seem to be working, one of the paramedics sees me struggling to breathe and takes me out of the bedroom into the living room part of our suite. “Now madame, take a seat and breathe in and then slowly let your breath out,” she says repeatedly until I start to calm down. “Now you need to give me some information, who is the gentleman? When did you notice him getting ill? What happened today?” She’s asking me lots of questions and I need to answer them just to concentrate on everything she is saying.

  “His name is Chad and he is my husband. W
e live in New York and we’re on holiday here. He has been sick on and off for the last few months and he told me it was a bug but that he kept getting better. He wasn’t feeling well enough to come with me today; it’s the first day of the holiday so he was staying back in the room to relax and be ready for a full day tomorrow. I haven’t seen him since breakfast and I’ve just walked in about fifteen minutes ago. He won’t answer me – what is happening to him?” I can feel myself getting hysterical again and I need to do my breathing exercises again.

  I can see they’ve put Chad on the stretcher and are taking him out of the room and down towards the lift. I stand and follow with the paramedic I was talking to. When we get downstairs to the ambulance I climb into the back with Chad, hold his hand and tell him how much I love him. He was ok this morning. Well he was better than he had been for a while. I don’t really understand what is happening and I’m very confused.

  “Chad I love you, I don’t understand, when did you get so sick? How did I not realise? All I wanted to do was to go and see Mickey and Minnie. Why didn’t you tell me you felt this bad? I feel so selfish, I should have stayed with you. I’m a lousy wife, I’m so sorry.” I’m crying while I’m holding his hand. I’m looking at the paramedics hoping they can give me some answers, but they just look away, not able to tell me anything.

  When we get to the hospital, I move out of the way so that they can take Chad out of the ambulance. I follow them through to the Emergency Department where they ask me lots of questions as they take him through to a room where I can’t follow him. I don’t understand why I can’t go with him into the room, I’m his wife.

  I start shouting in the corridor asking to be taken to him, but all they do is try to calm me down and then take me to a side room to wait until a doctor can come out to talk to me. It’s while I’m in here that I ring my Mum, she is the only person I want to talk to right now.

  “Mum, it’s me,” I sob down the phone. “Mum I need you!” I can’t stop crying and she is trying to talk to me to find out what the problem is.

  “Cassie what’s the matter? What’s the problem? Calm down and tell me what’s going on,” her voice manages to calm me down enough for me to tell her.

  “Mum it’s Chad. He’s in hospital and I don’t know what is going on. They can’t tell me anything.”

  “Oh my god Cassie, is he ok? What happened?” She is frantic.

  “He’s not been feeling right for the last couple of months, but he told me it was just a bug. He was tired from the travelling and has been in bed all day today. I went to Disney World today on my own, because he wanted to rest so that he would feel better for tomorrow and we could go together.” I start sobbing again. “Mum when I got back to the hotel room he was laid out on top of the sheets covered in blood and vomit, it was awful and then I couldn’t wake him. I’m so scared Mum, so scared.”

  “Baby girl, your Dad is going to drive me to London so I can get on the first plane out to you ok. I’m going to come and look after you and Chad for a while. Go off and find out what is happening and keep in touch on my mobile. I’ll ring you every step of the way and if anything happens ring me. I’ll contact Chad’s family. Don’t you worry about that.”

  I can hear her moving around the room and instructing Dad to get the suitcase. I feel better for speaking to her, she has managed to calm me down and just knowing she is coming to be here with me makes me feel relaxed.

  I hang up after giving her the details, I know she won’t be here for another ten hours at least, those hours are crucial.

  After about half an hour my phone rings and its Chad’s Mum, Emma. “Cassie, what is going on? What’s wrong with my Chad?” I try and tell her what I know, and then she asks where we are and tells me that she is going to go to the airport straight away and get on the first plane.

  I know I have a couple of hours on my own before anyone comes to comfort me or keep me company. I sit in the side room and cry my heart out. I don’t know what to expect in the next few hours and this frightens me. I have always been in control of my own destiny after the David incident and I always thought I would continue to be in control, now I can see that I wasn’t in control at all. It seems I was just waiting for the next catastrophe to hit me.

  I know I have to stop feeling sorry for myself when Chad is lying on a bed in another room and I don’t even know how he is.

  After about two hours a doctor comes to find me, “Mrs Morgan, how are you holding up?” he asks as he takes a seat next to me. “Chad is very sick, he was unresponsive when he arrived, we managed to bring him around, but he was passed out for a long time.” He looks me in the eye and says to me, “as you know he has stomach cancer but it has spread to his lymph nodes. I’m afraid he doesn’t have long left, his organs are starting to fail as the cancer is very aggressive. We can’t give him any treatment because it has spread too far. The cancer is too large to be responsive to treatment. We need to think about palliative care and just keep him comfortable now.”

  I look at the doctor like he is speaking in a different language, what is he telling me? How can my husband be dying? We had dinner together last night and only last week we were dancing together.

  “I don’t understand doctor.” I can hardly speak. “He was fine until today. Well, he had a bug for the last couple of months, but that’s all it was. He told me he went to the doctor and it was a bug.” I don’t know why I’m shouting at the doctor it isn’t his fault.

  He looks at me and stands up. “I have to go and check on Chad now. You can come in in about fifteen minutes, but I want you to be prepared for what you see. He is not the same man you have known, he is very weak, he’s asleep right now. We don’t want you to wake him, so just sit there and be there for him.” He walks to the door and turns to face me. “I’m sorry Mrs. Morgan.” Then he is gone as he goes back in the room. I am all alone with nothing but my thoughts.

  After waiting the fifteen minutes I stand and walk to the room where Chad is. I slowly open the door, not knowing what to expect. What I see is not the Chad that I know and love, this man looks similar but he is frail looking, grey and hooked up to so many machines. As I approach the bed I gasp. I can’t believe that this person is Chad. He seems to have deteriorated so fast.

  I cry so hard, I don’t think I have any tears left. I don’t know how long I sit here but the next thing I know Emma walks through the door and throws herself at me. “Cassie what’s going on? What’s wrong with Chad? How is he?” I tell her what the doctor said to me, I’m crying while I tell her, I just can’t believe it myself.

  She goes to the bed and looks at him, she sobs.

  “I’ll go and get the nurse or doctor so that someone can tell us what is going on.” I walk out of the room and all I can hear is Emma sobbing.

  The nurse tells me that the doctor will be with us later this evening. I go back into the room and I take his hand, Emma has his other hand. We each take a chair and sit close to him. We both rub his hand and talk to him. “Chad I love you, you have to get better. We have so many plans, there are so many places we haven’t seen yet, and we promised that we would see them together.”

  We sit there talking to him for a couple of hours when we notice that he is waking up. The two of us move closer to the bed and we both have so many questions, but know that we need to let Chad talk. He needs to tell us what is going on. He needs to explain what he has been dealing with on his own.

  “Cassie. Mum” he croaks. “I’m so sorry, this wasn’t meant to happen. Not here. Not now.” He has a few stray tears running down his face, I lean over and rub them away with my thumb.

  “What are you talking about? I don’t understand.” I’m confused and I look at Emma and can see she is as confused as I am.

  "I have stomach cancer," he says not looking either of us in the eye. "I've known about this since we had the fertility test results. The doctor called me up a couple of days after he gave us the results and asked me to see him separately. There had been abnormal
ities in my blood results and after talking to me he sent me for more tests. I've always suffered with stomach problems, but thought nothing of it. I was told I had stomach cancer about three months later after numerous tests. I didn't tell you, baby, because I didn't know how to. I truly believed if they gave me drugs to take that I would get better. I suppose I was ignorant really and for that I am so sorry. I know you're probably going to be mad at me, both of you.” He stops talking for a minute to catch his breath and he looks from me to his Mum.

  Emma and I both gasp as we take in the fact that he knew for the last two years that he had stomach cancer and didn’t tell us. How did we not know? How did we not realise how sick he really was?

  “I'm so sorry! I thought we would have this trip and then I could tell you when we were all together at thanksgiving. Unfortunately, that didn't go as planned. I had treatment at the start and it shrank, but I knew when I got sick this time that it had spread and was bigger and more aggressive than before.” He starts crying and I don't know what to do. He lied to me by not telling me; we talked about everything - why not this?

  "Chad, I just want you to get better. There must be more drugs they can give you. There must be something we can try.” I'm getting loud now. I can feel myself getting hysterical. I know I need to calm down, it’s not fair on Chad.

  "Chad, darling why didn't you say anything?" Emma says to him. She is clearly battling with the same issues as me.

  "I don't know, I just didn't want anyone to worry and then, before I knew it, it was too late. I left it too late and I really did plan to tell you all at thanksgiving," he starts crying again.