My One Regret

by Krissy V

  We all sit there quietly contemplating what is happening and what we are going to do about it when I hear the door open and my Mum and Dad walk in. I stand and throw myself at them sobbing hysterically. My Mum takes me out of the room so she can talk to me and Dad stays in the room to sit with Emma and Chad.

  I tell Mum what has been going on and she is shocked and wants to know how I didn't realise he was so sick. "He kept telling me there was a bug going round at work and I believed him. He kept getting better, so why would I worry? We're married and he's supposed to tell me everything, so why would I worry?”

  “He didn't tell me Mum and that breaks my heart." I pull myself out of her hug and look at her. "What am I going to do? I want to be there for him, the doctor can't tell me how long we've got but I need to make it count."

  Mum hugs me and says, "you'll do what's right Cassie, you always do. I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere".

  We go back in the room and see Dad comforting Emma, then Mum goes up to her and leads her out of the room. "Come on” she says. “Let’s go get a cup of coffee, Emma.”

  Dad comes over and hugs me and kisses me on my head. "We will stay as long as you need us to, baby girl. I'm going to find your Mum and Emma now and leave you and Chad alone for a while.” He stands and leaves the room.

  Chad is asleep, so I climb up into the bed and lay next to him, just staring at him. How did it come to this? What did I do to deserve this? Why didn't he tell me? I pick up his arm and pull it around me and snuggle in tight and that’s how I fall asleep.

  I wake a couple of hours later when one of the alarms starts beeping. What is going on? “Chad, Chad!”

  I look around and see there is a nurse and she is asking me to leave the room. I'm like a robot and get off the bed and walk out. I turn at the door just in time to see them using the defibrillators on him. I run out of the room screaming for Mum. "Mum, where are you?" I say falling into the side room we were in earlier.

  She gets up and runs to me. "Baby girl, what's going on?”

  Emma starts to get up too and walks towards the door. "No Emma, stay here," I say and pull her into a hug too. "His heart stopped again, they're trying to revive him.” He's got to pull through he just has to.

  We sit waiting, crying and just reliving things and signs we must have missed.

  The door opens and the doctor comes in. “Mrs Morgan, I'm sorry but Chad is getting worse. We won't be able to keep reviving him; it's only a matter of hours now. You should go and sit with him.”

  I look at Emma and we both hold hands and go in to see Chad. I hate seeing him like this, it's so awful. He shouldn’t be suffering like this. I hope they have given him something to keep him comfortable.

  "Hey" he croaks. "I'm sorry. I have a few things I need to tell you Cassie. I know you don't want to hear this right now, but you need to. I love you, I always have and I always will. You have to live your life; you're still young. You have to promise me that in time you will open your heart for someone, because you have too much to give not to share it with someone special.”

  "No Chad, we are not talking about this now. No!" I'm getting angry now. How dare he have had time to think about this, to prepare himself and not give us the time to prepare ourselves?

  "Yes Cassie we are. You never open up and face things head on and that's what we need to do now. The next thing I need to tell you is that when I found out I was ill I arranged for all my finances to be put in your name and should anything happen to me then you get everything. I'm covered for life insurance.” He holds his hand up to stop me from jumping in. "I know you don't want to discuss money either but we have to. The house in Newquay is in your name anyway and so is the apartment in New York. Everything I have is yours and I trust you to look after my Mum when I'm gone.” He's sobbing how and I can't help but sob too.

  Emma starts crying too and then Mum says to me, "Come on Cassie hold it together he hasn't got long, so relive some of the good times and let him leave with happy memories.” I know Mum is right so we sit there talking about the good times, the fun times, and just our life in general.

  We must have been sitting there for hours just talking and holding his hands when all of a sudden we hear the alarms ringing and the doctors and nurses run in. They want to revive him, but Emma and I know there's no point because Chad has taken his last breath with a smile on his face and happy memories to take with him.

  The doctors agree and they pronounce him dead at four o’clock. I'll never forget this day for as long as I live.

  We have to sign lots of paperwork and I'm kind of in a daze. I let Mum do most of the work and then we head back to the hotel to pack our bags. We have arranged for his body to be flown back to New York for an autopsy, even though it is pointless. We know what killed him!

  “I Don’t Wanna”

  When we arrive back in New York, it’s like I’m dreaming. I go to the apartment with Mum and Dad and I think that Chad has tricked me because I can still smell him in the room. I sit down and grab his hoodie that he left on the couch; I smell it and sob my heart out. I put it on and climb into bed, Mum and Dad start making some food, but all I want to do is sleep.

  I’m in a daze for a few days and then we are informed his body is being released for the funeral. I immerse myself in the arrangements and ring Claudia to tell her my plans. “Claudia, I need to get my head around everything that has happened so I’ve decided I want to take a sabbatical for about six months. I hope that’s ok.”

  “Cassie, of course that’s fine. We just want you to come back to us and we want you to be ok. If there’s anything we can do just let us know,” she says.

  “Thanks, Claudia. I’ll let you know how I get on.” We say our goodbyes and I hang up.

  The funeral is the next day and I have to mentally prepare myself for all the well-wishers and commiserations. It’s so hard, I just can’t believe he’s gone. I keep telling myself that I won’t break down until after the funeral. Bonnie is arriving today, in time for the funeral tomorrow. Danni can’t make it as its too far and she is pregnant, but I know she will be thinking of me.

  When Dad brings Bonnie back to the apartment after collecting her from the airport, I fall into her arms and sob. She cries along with me, she knows how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. Mum has made dinner for us all, but we are all struggling to eat right now. I just want to go to bed and let tomorrow be over. When it is polite to leave the table I go up to bed and it’s about an hour later that I feel Bonnie climbing into the bed beside me. “I didn’t want you to sleep alone Cassie. I hope that’s ok.” She hugs me and then rolls over.

  I sob silently knowing that I have to be strong tomorrow. I fall asleep eventually and have mad dreams about Chad, David and of course Jordan. Why do I always think back to David when I’m feeling upset? I thought I had got over that years ago. It makes me think about how, during that time, the only person who could ever calm me down was Jordan. I could do with a Jordan hug right now.

  When I wake up in the morning the sun is shining. It’s a beautiful day and I’m sure Chad is looking down on us smiling. We all get ready silently and the car comes to collect us and take us to the church for the funeral. The service is beautiful and I listen to all the nice things that everyone has to say about Chad. He was truly loved by a lot of people, I stand up when it’s my turn to speak and everyone turns to look at me. I know they think I am going to break down, but I need to get through this and then, only when I’m on my own, can I break down.

  “Thank you all for coming today. I’m sorry it is under such sad circumstances. Chad,” I say looking up to the ceiling. “Chad, all of these people knew you and loved you in one way or another.” I pause and look out to all the people looking at me. I smile. “Chad was a great person, a wonderful man who loved me very much. He wanted us to see as many places in the world as we could before he died, he just didn't tell me he was dying because he wanted me to enjoy every minute that we had together. He was that
selfless that even when he was dying he was thinking of me. I’m going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. I hate to think of him suffering, but at least it is over now.”

  I pause for a minute to compose myself. “Emma, just because Chad is no longer here, it doesn’t mean that we will lose touch. You are my family here and you will always be my family. I love you for bringing this wonderful man into this world, and eventually into my life. Thank you!”

  I turn around and bow to the alter and make my way back to my seat. My Mum reaches out and takes one hand and Bonnie takes the other. They both smile at me. We sit in silence as the service finishes.

  We walk outside into the graveyard and everyone shakes mine and Emma’s hand and then we watch Chad being lowered into the cold earth. It is the hardest thing I have ever seen and this is the moment that I finally break down. “No Chad, No! Please come back to me, please!”

  My Dad comes around and puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close to him. He then leads me away from the grave and off to the car. Once we are inside he sits next to me and says “Cassie, I’m here for you, you are very strong and you will get over this. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. We all love you and will help you.”

  I lean into him and close my eyes, just thinking about today. I can feel the doors open and Mum and Bonnie climbing inside. The car starts to move and we drive back to the apartment. We aren’t having food and drinks with everyone, I just can’t face it.

  It has been a very emotional day and I’m glad to get home, the hardest thing was watching Chad being lowered into the cold earth. When I climb into bed with Bonnie by my side I say, “Bye Chad. I love you and I will never forget you.”

  When I wake up, Bonnie is still fast asleep so I creep out of the bed and down the stairs to the kitchen. I put the coffee machine on and sit and wait for the coffee to be ready. I look out the window, which has a view across the City. It really is beautiful and it makes me sad that Chad will never see this view again. We used to sit and look out of this window together and comment on all the places we had visited down below us. All of a sudden I hear someone behind me and I turn to see Dad coming towards me.

  “Morning baby” he says as he leans down and kisses me on the top of my head. “How are you feeling today?”

  “I’m not sure, but I woke with some determination today. Today is a looking ahead day, Dad.” He looks at me slightly confused. “Today I’m going to think about the rest of my life.” I can see he’s clearly struggling to understand what I’m talking about. I know I’m rambling a bit, but I need to continue.

  “I’m going to arrange some time away from New York. I’ve already asked for at least six months off work and there are a few places left on mine and Chad’s list of places to visit. I’m going to visit two of those places and then I’m coming home for a while. I need to do this Dad, it will be the right time to start doing the house up. Chad gave it to me for my wedding present and I need a project to immerse myself in. I want to spend some time there, I always wanted that house and now I have I need to live there for a while.” I look at him and he smiles at me.

  “Cassie, that sounds like a great idea. Will you be all right on your own? Do you want Mum to go with you?” he asks, clearly worried about me.

  “I won’t be on my own. Chad will be with me in spirit, it’ll give me time to say goodbye to him properly.” I smile with tears in my eyes.

  Mum and Bonnie must have appeared while I was telling Dad what I want to do.

  Mum startles me when she says, “I think that’s a great idea, but I do worry about you being on your own.” She looks at me and smiles gently.

  “I’ll go with you Cassie and then we can go back home together,” Bonnie says and I struggle to breathe.

  “Would you do that for me Bonnie? What about Jezza?” I ask confused. I can’t believe she would spend the time with me instead of Jezza.

  “He won’t mind, honestly, anything for you babe,” she says walking over to hug me. “We live together, he’s probably happy for a bit of peace for a couple of weeks,” she says laughing.

  We spend the rest of the day, booking flights and accommodation and by the end of the day we have a full itinerary for the next two weeks and we leave tomorrow.

  I know some people will think that I am being selfish by going on holiday straight after the funeral, but that is the kind of life Chad and I had. We had been all about travelling for the last couple of years and I know that he really wanted to go to these places with me. This way his memories are the strongest, so he will be with me all the way.

  “Firstly, we are heading to Las Vegas and we are staying in The Bellagio, this is one place Chad really wanted to go and I was planning on surprising him for his next birthday.” I look up from the itinerary and see Bonnie smiling at me.

  She claps her hands rapidly “I’ve never been to Vegas, oh my god, wait until I tell Jezza he is going to be so jealous.”

  I laugh at her knowing that Jezza really will be jealous, he’s always talked about Vegas. “Secondly, we are flying to Norway. We had both wanted to go and see the fjords; they are supposed to be very beautiful. We are going to drive around the fjords and visit many towns along the way.”

  “Our third stop will be home.”

  “Cassie, you are amazing letting me come with you, I know it won’t be easy but I promise to give you lots of memories to remember.” Bonnie comes over and hugs me tight.

  Home! Well home for me until I go back to work. I want to decorate the house so that when I finally come home for good it will feel like it is mine. The apartment will stand empty, but the management of the building will check on it regularly and will arrange for it to be cleaned regularly so that it is always ready for me when I want to go back.

  It has been a busy day and I’m very tired. We are all going to the airport at the same time tomorrow morning and I go upstairs to pack. It’s about one o’clock before everyone else turns in. I can only assume Mum and Dad were asking Bonnie to let them know how I am! I don’t blame them; they must be so worried about me. The last time something horrific happened to me, I tried to kill myself!

  “Viva Las Vegas”

  We all set off the next morning and Bonnie and I get on our flight to Las Vegas, first class of course. We are sipping our champagne when I see the article I read on my flight to Disney World. It makes me sad thinking of where I was going on that flight. I shake myself and I suddenly get a great idea. I’m going to run it past Bonnie and see what she says.

  “Hey Bonnie, I have had an amazing idea, tell me what you think. When I was flying to Disney World a few weeks ago, I read this article about PEBBLES, it’s a charity in London which helps victims of rape and sexual abuse to get back on their feet. They give them counseling and rehabilitation. It made me think about the incident with David. I wish I had had someone like this to go to. It is an amazing service and I want to donate a large sum of money to the charity – what do you think?” I rush through it so I can get it all out before she starts to tell me it’s not a good idea.

  “Cassie, I think that’s a fantastic idea, but are you sure you want to relive it again? Just thinking about it might bring it all back, I know you have buried it deep inside you.” I know she’s worried about me, particularly at this sad time. “Let me read the article and then we can discuss it,” she says taking the in-flight magazine and finding the article. As she’s reading it I hear her gasp and I put it down to her remembering how it was for me after David. She reaches across and takes my hand, “Cassie, I think you are so amazing and for you to think of others at this sad time in your life makes you even more amazing. We can arrange all of the donation stuff when we get back to the UK,” she says with a strange look on her face.

  “Yeah I suppose, but I really wanted to do it when we get to Vegas. Then I was going to ask them if I can do some volunteer work with them when I get home, just for a few months until I go back to New York.” She gasps again, what is wrong with
her?

  “OK, if that’s what you want then we can arrange it in Las Vegas. Maybe make a donation and then when you are home, arrange to meet up with the charity organiser and see about volunteer work or something.” She’s smiling when she says this.

  She's looking at me strangely, but I don't think much of it, she is obviously stunned by my offer of kindness. I would have done anything to have this kind of help back when everything happened with David.

  I raise my glass of Champagne and propose a toast. "To best friends, endings and new beginnings.” I have tears falling down my face when I say it.

  Bonnie clinks her glass against mine and says, "to Chad" and we both have a little cry.

  When the plane lands there's a limo waiting for us and it reminds me of my last trip with Chad. I’m determined to enjoy these couple of trips and I know I will keep thinking of Chad, but I know that he would have wanted me to do this. "Chad," I say. "I'm going to give you a running commentary of my trip and visit all the places you wanted to see. You'll be sick of hearing me.” I smile when I say this.

  Wow! Las Vegas is all it's cracked up to be and more; it's bright, it's noisy and it's fast paced. We stay in the Bellagio in their Bellagio Suite on the 36th Floor. It is the height of luxury and I know Chad would have been delighted to stay here. The elevator goes straight into the Suite and all you can see is the marble on the floor, it twinkles when you look at it, like there are small crushed diamonds in the sheer black floor. We both walked straight over to the window once we had closed the door to the Suite. We stood there just looking out with our hands pressed up against the window stopping us from falling and getting dizzy. We laugh at ourselves like we are kids again. I just know that this is going to be a good trip where I can gain some new memories.

  We gamble, we go to shows, we have lovely dinners and we shop until we drop. One of the shows we go to see is O by Cirque de Soleil, it is a water based show and it is amazing. The synchronised swimmers are phenomenal and we are so buzzed after watching them. Each night we go to a different show in a different hotel. It has been such a great experience. On the last day in Las Vegas I remember that I wanted to donate some money to PEBBLES.