Love Byte

by David Atkinson

  I wasn’t looking anywhere beyond the next glass of wine, so that worked for me.

  We watched a family of ducks paddling around in the shallows. There was another silence but not as comfortable as the previous one, now that we’d moved to ‘date’ mode.

  Molly broke the silence. ‘You said one thing in your email that bothered me slightly.’

  ‘What was that?’

  ‘Can’t you guess?’

  Never in a month of Sundays I thought, and again wondered why not being able to guess something would bring about such a weird saying. ‘Nope,’ I said.

  ‘That’s odd. I thought you would know straight off.’

  I would if I’d written the bloody thing.

  ‘It’s that bit about me reminding you of Lindsay, I found that’ – she was obviously struggling for a suitable word – ‘disturbing.’

  I nodded, ‘Yes I can see that, but it was a compliment.’

  ‘Yeah, stop it, too much again.’

  ‘It’s the wine talking.’

  ‘No, Andy, it’s you talking. I know you. Remember, I’m not one of your Internet bimbos.’

  ‘No, you’re one of my work bimbos.’

  She laughed and kicked me under the table again, and once more topped up our glasses. I was suddenly very glad Amy was staying with Pauline tonight because tomorrow looked like being a hangover morning.

  Molly looked serious again. ‘Listen though, it’s not just me that’s getting over something. You are as well, it’s still early days.’

  Which is exactly what I had thought. Lindsay, though, had other ideas.

  ‘I know, Molly, but I feel ready to go back out there again.’ It sounded like I was fighting in a war or something. Given my experiences over the last few weeks the analogy wasn’t too far off the mark. ‘I think it’s what Lindsay would have wanted.’

  ‘You can’t know that, Andy, that’s a silly thing to say.’

  If only she knew; I was almost ready to tell her everything right there and then but resisted. Another glass of wine and I probably would have.

  ‘OK, sorry, it was maybe a bit silly, but Lindsay wouldn’t have wanted me to be alone for the rest of my life, so that’s why I did the Internet thing, it seemed like a good idea at the time.’

  Molly took both my hands in hers. The last time she’d done that was with Jamie the night she found out about his affair. I hoped she wasn’t about to propose again, like she had with him. Instead she said, ‘Tell me about Lindsay.’

  ‘You know Lindsay, you knew Lindsay.’ There was that tense thing again, and I was feeling tense as well.

  ‘I knew her as someone to stand outside and smoke fags with, and occasionally eye up other men with when you and Jamie weren’t watching, not as a life partner. What was she like? What do you miss? And what don’t you miss about her?’

  She let go of my hands and sat back waiting expectantly.

  Now there was something I hadn’t been asked before. What didn’t I miss about her? I gazed into Molly’s beautiful eyes and tried to think clearly.

  ‘Are you sure you want to know all this?’

  Molly smiled encouragingly and I sighed. I took some time to frame my thoughts as I felt this was an important moment, probably for both of us.

  ‘I miss her smile. That sounds weird, but I miss her ever so slightly crooked smile which greeted me whenever I came home from work or woke up in the morning. In the middle of the night I used to love reaching out and touching her warm body, just to know she was there.’

  ‘What else?’

  ‘I also miss the fact that we were on the same wavelength. You know when somebody said or did something odd or funny, I could glance at Lindsay and know that she was thinking exactly the same as me. So I reckon that’s the kind of stuff I miss more than anything.’

  I also desperately missed her body, the physical side of loving and living with someone and the ongoing physical intimacy, the occasional grope of her lovely bottom, nuzzling the back of her neck when she was loading the dishwasher or talking on the phone. I decided to spare Molly that for now.

  ‘OK, what don’t you miss?’

  Hmm, that was trickier and I had to think hard for a few moments.

  ‘I never liked that Lindsay was never wrong. No matter what happened it was never her fault, even when it was. She loved it when I messed something up and would go on and on about it for ages. I messed up a lot so she got lots of opportunities. And if I’m being honest, I suppose, it was that the bed had to be immaculately made up every morning before we left for work. It didn’t matter if we were late, it had to be done. I guess the main reason that annoyed me was because I could never do it properly or at least properly in Lindsay’s eyes.’

  ‘Is that it?’

  I considered for a moment and remembered one more thing. ‘If we ever had an argument about something she’d always say, “If you don’t believe me, Google it”, which of course I never did because if I took up that challenge and Googled it I wouldn’t be able to win anyway.’

  ‘How come?’

  I sighed and smiled while answering. ‘Because if I Googled whatever disputed fact we were arguing about and it wasn’t there, she would just say “Well it was there when I looked”, which implied either that I was lying or that I was somehow technically incompetent. If it was there then it just vindicated her, and either way I lost.’

  Molly laughed, ‘I must remember that if we ever have an argument. Seriously, is that all you’ve got?’

  I nodded. Molly rolled her eyes. ‘God, she must have been a saint, your wife.’

  I laughed. ‘Well, maybe I am wearing some rose-tinted spectacles, but I can’t think of anything else just now.’

  I leant forward and took her hands in mine, partly copying what she had done to me, and partly because I felt like I wanted some physical contact with this beautiful girl sitting opposite me, who had told me not five minutes ago that she liked me.

  ‘What about Jamie, what don’t you miss about him?’

  She pulled her hands away. ‘Aw that’s not fair, we’ve just broken up and I don’t have a very positive view of our life together at the moment.’

  ‘I know but maybe just the small stuff, you know, the kind of thing that makes you think, “God, why did I put up with that?”’

  I was getting good at this.

  She ran her hand through her hair and took a big slug of wine. ‘OK the small stuff, like him being a slob and leaving things lying everywhere, was annoying but not a deal breaker. I think the main thing was that he was very controlling and manipulative.’

  ‘Like the cat thing?’

  Molly nodded sadly. ‘Yeah, I didn’t notice it at first because he was very subtle. He’d compliment me when I wore some really dowdy clothes, and would be very hostile and critical if I wore a short skirt or a revealing top. You know, saying I looked like a tart, or one of his favourites was, “Molly, nobody wants to see your thunder thighs, put them away.” He said it kind of jokingly but he meant it, and it hurt.’

  ‘So he usually got his way.’

  ‘I guess.’

  ‘What else?’

  ‘Oh the usual. It was all right for him to go out with his mates and get pissed, but if I ever wanted to do anything like that it was a battle, a struggle to get his blessing. I was in love with him so I was blinkered to it for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, there were things I loved about him. He was very gentle and could make me laugh. He was incredibly organized and always remembered anniversaries and birthdays – he even knew when it was my mum’s wedding anniversary.’

  I knew Jamie had to be organized to get away with all the cheating and sneaking. Instead I said, ‘Maybe he just used his Outlook calendar a lot.’

  Molly ignored my comment.

  ‘So we had some good times, but when it came to the big t
hing, the crunch, he just wasn’t up for it.’

  We sat mulling over our memories for a few moments whilst finishing off the second bottle of wine.

  ‘What shall we do now, Molly?’ I asked as I stretched.

  ‘I’m in no rush to go home, but what about Amy?’

  ‘Amy’s staying at her gran’s tonight so I’ve got a free pass.’

  ‘Oh, OK that’s good. Why don’t we walk along Leith and we can maybe stop for a drink somewhere, hopefully a place with a bit more life about it.’

  We paid the bill, going Dutch at Molly’s insistence, and slowly pottered along the waterfront. We passed Ocean Terminal where the Royal Yacht was now moored as a floating tourist attraction, and eventually stopped in at a small bar which sat on the harbour and had a fabulous wooden deck protruding out over the water. We both had enough wine and instead opted for a couple of bottled European beers with the exotic sounding name ‘Slake’.

  We sat at a table on the deck, and Molly – who was obviously feeling the effect of the wine – started giggling.

  Smiling, I asked, ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Oh I was just thinking about that girl with the vibrators. What was her name again?’

  ‘Carrie.’

  ‘Yeah, Carrie. I can just imagine your face, I always thought you were a bit if a prude.’

  ‘I’m not a prude.’

  She booted me under the table again which made me think I would be better sitting beside her.

  ‘You are so.’

  ‘What’s prudish about not wanting to spend my evening watching a girl using vibrators on herself?’

  Molly screeched with laughter, drawing attention from other tables. ‘Just listen to yourself. Most men and some women probably, would spend a fortune to see that.’

  She booted me under the table again so I got up and sat beside her. She laughed and leaned her head onto my shoulder.

  She went quiet, tilted her head and fixed her eyes on mine. I leaned forward slightly and kissed her gently on the lips. I lingered for a moment. It felt strange that it wasn’t Lindsay, but it was a nice kind of strange. I placed my arm around the shoulder of this gorgeous warm woman and it felt . . . comfortable. She leaned into me and we sat in silence enjoying the moment.

  We finished our beer and Molly said, ‘I’ve had enough to drink I think, can we go and get a coffee?’

  ‘We can get coffee here?’

  ‘Is there not a Starbucks nearby?’

  ‘Yeah, a few minutes’ walk.’

  ‘Let’s go.’

  Once we were out of the bar and on the main road, I took Molly’s hand. It had been a long time since I’d held a woman’s hand. Not since Lindsay had become ill. I began to feel guilty again and wondered if the feelings of guilt ever stop.

  As if reading my mind Molly asked, ‘Do you miss her all the time? You know, is it constant or does it come and go?’

  I sighed. ‘It comes and goes, certain things can bring back memories, you know – like music, places, sensations. . . .’

  ‘. . . And holding a strange girl’s hand?’

  I marvelled at her perception. ‘Yeah I guess, except you’re not strange, Molly.’

  ‘I wonder what Lindsay would say if she could see us now.’

  It wasn’t really a question so I let it go unanswered but of course, this was all Lindsay’s doing. One day I might have to explain that, and it would be tricky. We arrived at Starbucks and sat at a table near the door. My apartment was now only a five-minute walk away.

  Almost on cue, Molly said, ‘Once we’ve finished these you need to show me this fabulous apartment of yours. I’ll be so jealous now that I’m stuck with my dump for ever and ever.’

  I felt a tingle of excitement. I was not expecting to have Molly back at my place. I also felt a little uncomfortable. Maybe nothing would happen, maybe a little snog. Maybe that would be OK.

  ‘Aw Molly, that’s not right. Your flat is lovely. I’ve been there, remember?’

  ‘Yeah I know, but I don’t have warm feelings about it just now. Maybe that’ll fade.’

  As we walked the short distance to my apartment, I began to feel nervous for the first time that evening, but it was a ‘nice’ nervous. We didn’t say much on the way probably because there was a certain tension between us. Dare I call it sexual tension? I wasn’t sure.

  As I opened the door and stepped into my penthouse Molly gasped in surprise.

  ‘This place is awesome!’

  She ran across the floor of the living room and pressed her nose against the glass of the doors that opened out onto the deck. She reminded me of Amy, except her nose was obviously higher up. Her warm breath steamed up the cold glass. ‘Can we go outside?’

  Her excitement made me smile and I got the key from on top of the microwave in the kitchen and opened the doors. She rushed out onto the balcony and I returned to the kitchen and fetched two glasses of Prosecco. Once outside I handed her one, and she sipped it breathlessly.

  ‘What a view! What an incredible place to live. I knew it would be spectacular.’

  Her childish excitement made me smile. It was dusk. The sun had gone and darkness was approaching, spreading out like a dark fluffy blanket in the late summer evening.

  We stood in silence, leaning on the balcony, and watched the lights flicker on across the bay. It felt romantic. It felt right somehow. I was at peace. It was one of those moments I would always cherish, always remember, even if nothing more ever happened with Molly.

  Molly, however, obviously had other ideas. She took my glass from me and placed it with hers on the table. She put her arms around my neck and kissed me. This time it was urgent and passionate, her tongue snaked around mine and it felt erotic and wonderful. This beautiful girl wanted me, wanted me to love her and I didn’t feel worthy or ready. I remembered Jamie telling me that some people just wanted a shag and there was nothing wrong with that. Maybe he was right, maybe I should just go with the flow. The fact it was Molly did make me reluctant, it would be another item to add to my pile of things to feel guilty about. I gave in to the moment.

  I held her tightly and pushed myself instinctively against her, and she gasped into my mouth. I could feel her curves, her tight wonderful body and knew that tonight would be a night I would remember for many reasons.

  I took her hand and led her inside, she kicked her shoes off and we headed to my bedroom. Once there I left the lights off and threw open the door that led out onto the deck that wrapped around the whole penthouse. The breeze made the curtains billow in the doorway and Molly shivered deliciously as I pulled her close to me. The lights of the bay and the moon were enough to illuminate the room. Molly’s silhouette was like a dark version of her and I watched transfixed as she unzipped her dress and let it slip to the floor. She was standing in her bra and panties watching me expectantly. I clambered clumsily out of my jeans which made her laugh and I unbuttoned my shirt.

  I moved to her and pulled her into my arms and I could feel her cool skin luxuriously against mine, and it sent an erotic charge through my body. Our lips were pressed together and we fell onto the bed in a tangled heap of arms and legs and impatient thrusting.

  I gasped and pulled away for a moment and gazed down at this picture of loveliness beneath me and didn’t feel worthy. Molly gazed back at me, seriously and expectantly. Her skin was pure silk and the muted moonlight danced in her eyes as I slowly kissed her mouth before nuzzling into her neck. She moaned and I was instantly transported to another level of arousal. There was no way back now. I slipped off her panties as she undid her bra. I kicked of my boxers and lost the shirt. Apart from our breathing, the only sound was the breeze and the distant lapping of the waters against the sea wall seventy feet below.

  I dipped my head to taste her. She was wet, pungent an
d intoxicating. After a few moments she moaned and pulled me on top of her. She gasped impatiently. ‘I want you inside me now.’

  I slipped into her easily and urgently and as we became rhythmic, our breathing got faster and faster. She was getting close and my mouth was pressed to hers. Gently she bit my tongue, and then erotically broke the kiss and took two of my fingers into her mouth and sucked them seductively. This pushed me over the edge and I exploded inside her, nearly a years’ worth of sexual frustration and deprivation literally draining out of me. I collapsed beside her.

  Molly leaned onto her elbow and smiled down at me.

  ‘Andy, that was wonderful, you have no idea how much I needed that.’

  ‘Not as much as me.’

  It dawned on me – rather late it has to be said – that we hadn’t used any protection.

  Reading my worried expression (she was good at that) Molly said, ‘I’m on the pill still – so you needn’t worry on that score – and I’m a clean-living girl so you won’t catch anything from me.’

  She forgot, though, that I knew her boyfriend better than she did in that respect, and God only knew what he could be harbouring. The thought of catching a second-hand venereal disease worried me for a moment before I decided it was too late to worry about that, for the moment anyway. I decided to do what Scarlett O’Hara would do: ‘I won’t think about it today, I’ll think about it tomorrow.’

  Molly noticed my continuing worried expression in the half-darkness and giggled as her breasts bounced deliciously against my chest. ‘You’re such a worrier, Andy, although this is going to make our lives very complicated.’

  ‘I know.’

  Only she had no idea how complicated it was going to be for me. Things had gone from being very simple and very lonely to incredibly complicated and busy. I decided to Scarlett O’Hara that thought as well.

  Molly wouldn’t let it go however. ‘I don’t want to come between you and Jamie.’

  Bit late for that I think.

  ‘You do want to see me again?’ she asked anxiously.

  ‘Of course.’

  I hadn’t actually thought about it. Having Molly in my bed just felt good, which surprised me. I felt guilty, for a number of reasons, but I decided that I did want to see her again.