Packed and Ready to Go

by Jacki Kelly

  This time I wouldn’t be as forgiving. I sat down to calm my nerves.

  I busied myself with everything I thought I needed to get done to calm my anger. I didn’t want the phone to ring during the evening, so I called my father and told him I was coming by to see him in a few days. Then I called Crystal.

  “I didn’t talk with you yesterday, so I decided to give you a call and see how you’re doing,” I said.

  “We’re still on with the caterer later this week?” she asked.

  “Yes, of course we need to finalize everything.”

  “Are you okay? You sound funny.”

  “I’m fine,” I tried to mask my feelings. Something I should have perfected since I had plenty of practice. “Did you and Max finish the menu and china selections yet?”

  “Yes. Is Dad coming to the meeting too?”

  “Yes, of course. He said he was.”

  “Mom, I’ve got to run, Max is here and we’re on our way out the door. I’ll see you and Dad on Thursday.”

  She hung up before I could say anything else. Tears sprang to my eyes before I placed the headset on the base. If only I could go back in time. To when Crystal was little and there was still hope for Walter and me. There was a lot of happiness in the house back then. Everything seemed surmountable by love.

  Instead of being dragged down by the memory, I walked through the first floor. Every room reminded me of something we’d done in the past. Pictures of Crystal in Disney World and Girl Scout camp, pictures of me and Walter hosting our tenth wedding anniversary celebration at the country club.

  I picked up the silver frame and traced our image. Nothing hinted to a collapse of our marriage. Walter’s eyes danced with merriment. His wide smile seemed genuine. I ran my hand along his dimpled chin, longing to be held by someone who couldn’t wait to gather me in his arms.

  I plopped on the kitchen bar stool. Getting through Crystal’s wedding was my first priority. No matter what, I would not ruin her chance to have a happy memory. It was only a few more weeks, but they stretched out in front of me like a desert. I took another pill with a swallow of wine. Before the familiar haze numbed my pain, I had a clear moment. I needed to check our accounts like Ursula suggested.

  Chapter Ten – Walter

  I put down the pen and rolled it across the mahogany desk. Contracts and proposals littered the corner, but the space in front of me was clear. My office, my sanctuary, couldn’t insulate me from whatever Tracy was going to do or say when I get home. Prolonging the moment wouldn’t make things any better.

  The computer read 6:35 p.m. Time to go home. Tension ran from my shoulders, across my back, and down my spine. I needed five days of peace and quiet, but that wasn’t about to happen. If I were a wise man, I would be preparing for the opposite. But contemplating the future was like staring at my belly-button. Useless.

  I shut down my laptop, placed it in my briefcase and stared at the collection of awards and recognition lining the office wall. Here, I was a success.

  In control.

  Outside of this sanctuary, my skills weren’t as sharp or Sasha wouldn’t be knocked-up.

  Still reeling from Sasha’s baby news, the announcement of downsizing had greeted me during the corporate officers’ call this morning. The financial future at Dynamic Enterprise looked bleak. After two years of diminishing markets, extreme cutbacks were announced just as Jay had predicted. I needed to layoff at least one sales rep in each of my six regions.

  With everything going on, I couldn’t process the idea of a baby. For the briefest of moments, I wondered if Sasha had gotten pregnant to make me commit to leave Tracy. I brushed away the thought.

  I crossed my arms over my chest and rolled my shoulders to loosen the tension. Tonight I had to face Tracy. Certainly my absence last night would be the topic of discussion. Compared to everything else chasing my heels, Tracy should be easy. Work was my trump card. She believed anything I told her about work.

  Sasha and I had spent five days in Paris, dining at the finest restaurants and screwing like teenagers, and Tracy had thought it was a business trip.

  Last night was the first time I spent the night with Sasha while Tracy knew I was in town. But, the elaborate story I’d concocted this morning and left on her office answering machine must have worked. This afternoon she sounded composed, even a little aloof. Damn, I’m good.

  One crisis averted and a dozen more lurking on the horizon. I ran my hand along the cleft in my chin. A baby, how the hell was I going to handle this flub? The answers weren’t coming as fast as the problems.

  The floor was practically deserted. Most people split after putting in eight hours and not a moment more. The few stragglers left on the floor were those of us trying to keep the company afloat. The only plan we’d construed to save any measurable amount of money was shutting down several plants and laying people off. Just thinking about how this plan would impact the lives of the people I worked with daily sat on my chest like a sumo wrestler.

  Before leaving the office, I thought about stopping to see Sasha. A part of me felt betrayed by her. The pregnancy was a trap. She needed something I couldn’t give. She needed more than the empty promises I offered. Her eyes begged for a tangible life to hold on to at night when she was alone and lonely. Right now, with the business sinking, Crystal getting married and a baby on the way, I couldn’t offer a starving man a piece of bread.

  I closed the office door. Traffic on 95 South slowed. Enjoying the smell and feel of my new car made the purchase worthwhile. I imagined Tracy standing in the kitchen with her hands on her lush hips, her lips tight, and eyes narrowed, demanding to know where I was last night. If traffic could delay the confrontation, I was content to creep down the highway.

  I used the voice command to call Sasha while I sat in traffic. “Hey,” I said when she answered.

  “Hey yourself. Heading home?” This was routine. I always called her before I walked in the door of my house. Calling from home was risky.

  “Yep.”

  She hesitated for a moment. “I’m sorry about how I broke the news to you last night. I didn’t know how else to say it. I imagined telling you in some romantic setting while candles glowed, but then I blurted it out. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. I know we didn’t…” She stopped. “But you know…”

  “I’m fine. W-we’re fine,” I stuttered.

  She laughed softly. “Walter relax, it’s a baby, not a bomb. We’ll handle it. As soon as you tell Tracy you’re leaving, we can start making plans and everything will be fine.”

  The pressure on my chest tightened, making me squint through the pain.

  “Do you want to stop by for a quickie? I think being pregnant makes me horny. I’ll get you out the door in an hour.” Her voice softened.

  “Aw Sasha, that’s not fair. You know I can’t.”

  “I know, but I don’t like the way we left it this morning. We need to talk some more.”

  “We’ll talk.” I changed lanes.

  “When are you coming back?”

  “Let me see what kind of mess is waiting for me at home, and then I’ll let you know.”

  “Home is here with me. You’re going to a house,” she cooed, her sexy voice filtered through the speakers.

  I should have been resentful. She made my life twice as complicated, but I couldn’t be angry with her. I’d used her to satisfy my sexual fantasy and now it was time to pay the price. I just didn’t realize it would be so high.

  “What are you wearing?” I needed to hear the sweet lilt of her voice a little longer. Nothing in Tracy’s tone would be sweet when I walked through the door.

  “Stop by and see for yourself.”

  “I can’t. You know I can’t.”

  “How much longer, Walter?” This was becoming her favorite question. The longing in her voice whined in my ear. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would work out. But I couldn’t be convincing.

  “Soon Sasha, soon. I’ll come by the sto
re for lunch in a couple of days. How’s that?”

  “Can you come with me to my doctor’s appointment this week?”

  I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat. Determined not to let her down, I scrambled to say the right thing. “Sure, let me know what day and I’ll make the time.” I tried to sound happy, but with the shake-up going on at work I didn’t want to be out of the office. Sitting in a doctor’s waiting room didn’t sound like a wonderful way to spend the day even if nothing was going on.

  “Thanks.”

  I knew she recognized this was a major step for me. “I’ll let you know when.” Then she hung up.

  I pulled into the garage beside Tracy’s Cadillac. The pressure on my chest increased. I turned off the ignition, gathered my keys, my briefcase and my lies. After several minutes I forced myself out of the car, squared my shoulders.

  As soon as I opened the door the smell of roasting meat filled my nose. The lights were dim. It took my eyes a moment to get acclimated to the darkness. The dining room table was set with a lace tablecloth we had purchased in Belgium. A giant candle thingy glowed from the center of the table.

  If I didn’t know better, I would have thought Tracy was entertaining a lover. But Tracy was loyal to me and would never think about treating me as badly as I treated her. In all the years we’d been married, she never even looked at another man. The extra weight she’d put on was like an added insurance policy for me. Even though she was still very attractive, she didn’t think so, so I didn’t have to worry.

  I dropped my briefcase on the kitchen floor and headed for the bedroom to find her. This was not the scene I expected when I got home. I was exhausted and wanted to sit like a vegetable and watch ESPN.

  “Walter?” Tracy called.

  I walked into the dimly lit family room. Jazz played from the Bose system. Tracy sat on the leather couch with an expression on her face that I couldn’t read. She didn’t look like a woman ready to fly into a rage. The message I left must have worked better than I had imagined. I should have tried it months ago.

  “What the fuck is going on, Tracy?” Those weren’t the words I expected to exit my mouth, but I was drained and wanted to be left alone.

  I wasn’t prepared to spend a romantic evening with her. Not after everything that had transpired in the last twenty-four hours. I didn’t have the required stamina.

  “I was going to ask you the same question. Minus the profanity of course.” She patted the sofa next to her and offered me a glass of wine that had been sitting on the coffee table.

  I continued to stand in the middle of the room and watched while she took a long swallow from her glass.

  From the lacy gown she wore, the food cooking, the dim lights, I knew what she had planned, and my heart twisted in my chest. All I wanted to do was go to bed without hurting her again. I felt like a jackass. I should have been cooking her dinner and serving her wine. I wished I could be the man she saw when she looked at me. And even with her full breasts, curvy hips and skin so lush it invited me to touch, I couldn’t perform.

  I was willing to betray Tracy, but I couldn’t betray Sasha. Not on the same day—that was Sasha’s rule. Somehow Sasha could accept the fact that I made love to Tracy as long as I never made love to the both of them on the same day. And this morning before leaving for work, Sasha had wrapped her lean legs around me and I surrendered, so happy she wasn’t upset by my reaction to the news.

  I crossed the room, accepted the glass of wine from Tracy, and sat on the sofa beside her. “I’m so exhausted.” I sipped the Merlot and began my Oscar-winning performance.

  “Like hell you are. Before you go to sleep, maybe you need to tell me where you were all day and night.” She stared at me, her eyes were as cold as the polar ice cap and about as welcoming, too.

  She was looking for some telltale sign I was lying, so I focused on the part of my story that was true. “Don’t start any shit with me, Tracy. I left you a message.” I averted my eyes and rubbed the cleft in my chin.

  “The hell you did. I checked the messages as soon as I got home today and the phone hasn’t rung once since I’ve been here. There weren’t any messages on the recorder and I checked. I called you nine hundred times on every phone listed to you.”

  “You didn’t get the one I left for you at work?”

  “At—you left a message for me at work? Why the hell would you leave one there? I don’t work on Sundays.” Her eyes narrowed. “Come on Walter, even you, the master prevaricator, can do better than that.”

  “Why would I lie to you? You know what I’ve been going through at work,” I kept my voice level. “I left a message as soon as I could this morning.”

  “Umm humm,” she said. But I knew she didn’t believe me.

  “Dammit Tracy, you know what a mess the company is in. We are meeting night and day to figure out how we can…how to save jobs.” I raised my voice. “Every time something comes up, I can’t stand up and say wait a minute I need to call my wife and get permission first.” I set the glass on the table so hard wine spilled. “I’m under enough pressure trying to prove myself as the only black VP. I have to demonstrate leadership and guidance—how would it look if the CEO calls an immediate meeting and I can’t show up until I clear it with my wife?”

  “All day, Walter. All day long and you couldn’t tell me where you were? You couldn’t reach me? I went to your office and no one was there.” Tears gathered in her eyes. “I drove down. There wasn’t any meeting going on. You must think I’m some kind of idiot.”

  “The meeting was in the board room on the tenth floor. I got a message to you as soon as I could. I didn’t want to call you here at home during the night and wake you up, so the first opportunity I had this morning, I left a message for you where I thought you could get it. In your office.” I picked up the phone from the base and shoved it into her hand. “Check it now dammit. Check it!” My excuse was flimsy thin, but I was pulling it off. A bead of sweat rolled down my chest.

  She didn’t take her eyes off of me while she dialed the number. The cold stare was eerie. I picked up my glass, and took a sip of wine, hoping to disguise my nervousness. I crossed my legs while she punched in the codes.

  She listened.

  I watched.

  Disappointment washed over me for the pain I was causing her. At least a small portion of my story was true.

  She placed the headset on the couch between us. “Well,” she started, then stopped. In a more gentle voice she said, “I was so upset this morning I left the office before nine and never went back.

  Tears streamed down her cheeks. Her lips puckered. “You are such a bastard. The last few years everything in this marriage has revolved around you and what you wanted or needed. You can’t begin to imagine what the last twenty-four hours have been like for me. All because your company is having a crisis. Well, Walter, I’m having a crisis too.” Her hands went to her hair and she ran her fingers through her short curls.

  I gathered her in my arms, pushing my nose against the tender part of her neck. She smelled like lavender. I ran my hand across her back and down to her butt. The thin fabric did nothing to shield her soft flesh from my touch.

  My body warmed up. Even the discomfort in my chest melted away as she wrapped her arms around me, teasing tension out of my shoulders with her fingertip.

  With my lips pressed against her ear, I whispered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to worry,” I kissed her several times before moving to her neck. “I called you as soon as I could. We were in a strategy session. No phones, no computers. I was probably the only one standing in the bathroom stall leaving a message for his wife. All the other wives understand. You’ve got to trust me, Tracy. We’ve been down this road before and you said that was behind us.” I tried to soften the look in my eyes to get her to give a little, too.

  When I released her, we sat in silence listening to the music. I pulled her back against the cushions and rubbed her thigh to placate her. Inching c
loser to the thick patch of hair between her legs.

  Without saying a word she loosened my tie. No matter how much she wanted to, I wouldn’t make love to Tracy tonight.

  “Tray, I’ve been in a seventeen hour meeting that started yesterday afternoon. The only thing they fed us was dry sandwiches and weak coffee. I’m starving and so exhausted I barely made it home this evening. Please, let’s have dinner first.”

  She looked disappointed. “I cooked my favorites, tonight.” She uncoiled her legs and stood up. “Lamb chops, roasted potatoes and broccoli. I even made dessert—walnut cake.”

  “Can I have some of your favorites?” I followed her into the kitchen. She tugged on the camisole to pull it lower over her hips. She was so conscious of hiding what she believed didn’t look good. But the view was perfect. I loved her curves.

  Dinner was delicious. Tracy hated to cook, but she worked wonders in the kitchen. I even went back for seconds and polished the succulent lamb bones. I smacked my lips, quite pleased with being able to deceive my wife.

  “Where did you think I was?” I asked between bites.

  “I don’t know what I thought.” She hunched her shoulders.

  “Yeah, you do,” I chuckled with a mouth full of food, but I didn’t dare say it.

  She laughed. “Yes, that’s what I thought.” She placed her elbow on the table and placed her chin in her palm. “Maybe we need to set up some kind of signal for when this stuff happens.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. But—”

  “It’s going to be pretty bad, Tracy. I’m talking about a massive layoff.”

  “How many?”

  “We’re going to close the plants in Rhode Island and Florida. Most of those people will lose their job. A few will be transferred to other plant sites. My staff will be cut in half and—”

  She reached across the table and ran her hand along my cheek. “Are you going to be okay?”

  “I’ll be fine, but I don’t trust Joe. Remember the promotion he promised me that I haven’t seen yet?”