Forever & Again

by Allie York

  It took me until Friday evening to text Jacob, and even then I rewrote the text at least a dozen times. My week had sucked, and I had been busy as all hell, but that wasn’t my reasoning for not contacting him. My reason was sheer cowardice. I could barely focus on the remaining weeks of lesson plans, or meetings, or anything that wasn’t Jacob. After another glass of liquid courage, I finally settled on a text. I knew he had been married but wasn’t wearing a ring when I literally ran into him. The tan line was still there, though. Then I went into all the ‘what ifs’ again. What if he got lawyers involved? What if Ollie never forgave me? What if Jacob wasn’t the man I remembered? He would track me down if I didn’t contact him. I knew for certain the guy would hunt me down, and it’s not like I was in hiding. The smart thing for me to do was hit send.

  Lydia: Ok, I’m ready to talk

  * * *

  Jacob: Lyd?

  I loved when he called me that.

  Lydia: Yeah

  * * *

  Jacob: About fucking time. I was about to start knocking on doors looking for you. We can’t talk about this over text. You have good timing, I had only given you a week to avoid me before I came looking and you were approaching the deadline.

  * * *

  Lydia: Busy week. Sorry.

  * * *

  Jacob: Your week was more important than this? Bullshit. Call me so we can plan to meet. I’m not having a discussion like this over text.

  I huffed. Nothing about the situation was easy, but he didn’t have to be an ass. I reread the messages, deciding if I actually wanted to call him. Maybe I would just keep avoiding him and go back into my hole of pretend bliss. I knew he would call me if I didn’t call him first, but something about him demanding it pissed me off. Plus, I was tipsy. I held out, not giving in to his bullying. Then my phone rang.

  “Hello?”

  “I told you to call me,” Jacob rumbled the words through the phone, making me suck in a breath. He tried so hard to intimidate me, even years ago, but I saw right through him. His tactics were nothing more than amusing to me.

  “I had to do something first, and I don’t take to being told what to do, Jacob.” I used my best maternal voice, hoping the bully got the hint.

  “I really don’t care. We need to talk, alone, and figure this shit out.” His tone was softer, and I smirked. Jacob was gruff, demanding, but not a mean guy. We did need to talk, and in my tipsy state, I wanted to unload everything I had been holding in for all those years, but I didn’t. I kept quiet. “Lydia?”

  “Sorry, thinking about my schedule. I don’t want to talk to Ollie about this yet.” His reaction was my biggest fear. I hadn’t really lied to him. Oliver was four when he last asked about his father, and at the time, I had no idea where Jacob was. Surely, he would understand. My son was bright, mature, and would have to understand that I hadn’t meant to fuck up so badly. Ollie would have to forgive me.

  “You named him Oliver.” Jacob’s voice dropped an octave, and I could almost hear the pain in his voice. Maybe I was more buzzed than I thought, but he almost sounded proud too. Maybe it was sadness. No more wine.

  “Yeah. I did. Of course, I did. Uh …” I shook my head, trying to rein my emotions in. Jacob’s voice made my head spin, and I wasn’t coping well. “Tomorrow night I can send Ollie to my sister’s. I can meet you somewhere.”

  “I’ll call you tomorrow to set something up. Have a good night, Lydia.” The line went silent, and I curled up on the couch. Between the phone call and the wine, I was a blubbering mess in a matter of seconds. I cried—big heaving sobs into the throw pillow. I cried over my fears, my lies, and my crumbling world. I was ripped in two. One second I wanted to push him away, lock him out, and go on living. The next moment all I could see was his eyes, telling me he hated leaving, and whispering my name. I wanted him to stay, forever. His proximity at the store had done horrid things to me, but even years ago I reacted the same way. All he had to do was brush my skin and I came undone. I let my phone fall to the floor, still sobbing, until the fatigue finally forced me under.

  Ollie woke me up the next morning with a chastising glare. I wasn’t drunk when I fell asleep, but considering the alternative, he could think I was drinking. I stretched, and Oliver handed me a cup of coffee, plopping down next to me. I needed to make arrangements for Ollie that night, so I could meet with Jacob. The thought made my chest close up. What was I even supposed to say? Nothing would fix what I had done—we had done. Guilt hit me, but I shook it off. It wasn’t my fault, not entirely, and I refused to take the blame. I made the decision I thought was best at the time and would make it again.

  “Are you okay, Mom?” Ollie brought me out of my spiral.

  “Yeah, baby. I’m fine. The end of this school year is particularly sucky. Did you call your grandparents last night about the party?” I fought the urge to chug the warm drink in my hand. How did I get so damn lucky?

  “It’s a go. But it has to be the weekend before, not after. Pops has to go run the inn the next weekend.” Ollie looked proud of himself for setting it all up. I knew damn well my mother had actually done it, but Ollie at least made the call. I ruffled his hair, making him swat at my hand and pretend to look mad. We had it all figured out. Ollie was practically perfect. He was smart, kind, and had the best sense of humor. It blew my mind that I had a hand in making him.

  I dropped Ollie off with Reese and Julian without an explanation, and thankfully, she didn’t ask. She probably assumed I was hooking up with Torin. The shower called my name when I got home, begging to wash away all the guilt and fear. I looked a mess with puffy eyes and placid skin. No wonder Ollie was worried about me.

  The shower welcomed me as I knew it would, burning away all the shit from the previous day. I almost forgot. Almost. Jacob was always tucked in the back of my mind, but with a new image to work with, my body buzzed. The man could affect me with only a look. I remembered his bulk caging me in, pressing me into the mattress and thrusting into me with long strokes. Before I could form a real thought, I was circling my clit with two fingers and biting my lip. My eyes drifted closed and my other hand found my nipple, twisting it lightly. My mounting orgasm was sent over the edge by remembering the dirty things Jacob would whisper to me mid-fuck. The back of my head hit the cool tile and my back arched into my release.

  My phone rang, but I just stayed under the hot stream, rinsing the vanilla shampoo from my hair. By the time I got out, I had six missed calls, but I knew who it was, so I didn’t bother checking it. I would call him back when I felt like it. Despite the situation, I was not letting him order me around. I was never bending to a man’s whim. Not even Jacob’s. It would get me nothing but heartache, and I was not willing to let him do that to me again.

  I tossed on a bright-blue sundress and a cardigan before going in search of my favorite sandals. Only three calls were from Jacob, the other three were Torin. Shit. I wasn’t meaning to avoid him, but I just couldn’t handle him at the moment. Thinking about him made me hot and bothered, but not like Jacob did. Never like Jacob did. Torin was tall, over six feet and covered in tattoos, with that sexy badass thing going on. His daughter, Carly, was in my class. I had a serious issue with forbidden flings. Messing around with a student’s dad was definitely a no-no, but so was screwing your teacher. Torin and Carly’s mom were never married, but he stepped up and was a good dad. It was probably why I was so attracted to him. But his personality was lacking, or not really my taste. We had no emotional or mental connection. He was excellent in bed, but that was where it ended. No one ever measured up to Jacob anyway.

  Before I could even dry my hair, there was a knock on the door, and I ran to answer it. I put on my best pissed off face, expecting to see Torin. It wouldn’t be the first time he showed up uninvited, but at least Ollie was gone. Instead of tall, tattooed, and blond, I got tall, dark, and sexy. His pissed off expression rivaled mine, and I rolled my eyes. Jacob waited for me to invite him in before stepping through the thres
hold and scanning the house. It wasn’t much, but it was mine, and it was home. I closed the door, watching him look the place over.

  “I called.” The scent of his cinnamon gum wafted in my direction and his voice sent my pulse into overdrive.

  “I was in the shower. You can’t just show up, Jacob.” I was too nervous to be mad, but he didn’t know that. He spun to face me, his eyes catching mine, and I nearly broke. How was the man so magnetic?

  “I thought you bailed.” Jacob stepped into the living room and sat, like he was allowed to make himself at home. My phone rang—fucking Torin again. I knew he wanted a booty call, but I was just not in a place for a hook-up. Jacob scrambled my signals too much for me to focus on anything else.

  “I said we could meet somewhere. You don’t get to insert yourself like this, Jacob, you just can’t.” I took a breath, trying to keep calm. “How did you even find me? I mean, I’m not hiding, but you just showed up at my house. There has to be boundaries. What if Ollie had still been here? What if I had company?” My phone rang, mid-rant, and I finally answered it. “What?”

  “Busy?” His gravelly voice came through and I huffed.

  “Thus not answering. I need to go.” Torin started to respond but I hung up. I couldn’t handle it. Jacob was in front of me, placing himself squarely into my life, and Torin was acting like a clingy boyfriend. Just looking at Jacob washed Torin away. His shirt looked like it was straining to stay together on his biceps and his face was perfection. No other man looked like my Jacob; no other man made my body hum like Jacob.

  “What happened, Lyd?” Jacob leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and staring me down. Apparently, we were skipping the formalities. “You could have called, or hell, sent up a fucking bat signal. I’d have come running back.” I sat on the recliner across the room, not wanting to be near him, and crossed my arms over my chest.

  “What do you want? I never asked you for anything, never wanted anything from you, but in the last week you have taken over my thoughts and now my house. So just tell me what you want and we can settle it.” I snuck a glance at his beautiful, shocked face. I realized I had gotten too loud and settled my ass down.

  “I don’t want to rehash how this should have gone, but I can’t help it, Lyd. I would have gone my whole fucking life without knowing my only kid. What possessed you to keep him from me?” Jacob wasn’t angry, just hurt and exasperated. It wasn’t in his nature to be so calm about anything, so I knew to start talking.

  I started from the day I found out about Ollie, nine days after Jacob left for California, and went from there. I tried to explain why I didn’t try to reach him, how I didn’t want to ruin things for him. There was no way in hell I was apologizing for my actions, either. I couldn’t look at him while I talked, unloading every detail that I had kept in for years. No one knew about Jacob. How could they? He was my teacher, and it was wrong. I didn’t even want to think about how they would have looked at him when it happened. He would have lost any future jobs, lost any prospect of the life he wanted. Jacob would have forever been the teacher who knocked up a student. Then there was his wife. When I did find him on Facebook, it was a profile picture of him and a blonde woman showing off an engagement ring.

  Once I stopped, Jacob ran his hands through hair and shook his head. “Fuck, Lyd.” I didn’t notice when the tears started, but by the time I was done, I felt lighter and the tears were in full force. Over thirteen years of bottled up emotions and secrets rushed out of me. “You were more worried about getting my stupid ass in trouble than letting all that out? You did everything alone for thirteen years because you didn’t want me in trouble?” I didn’t answer, so we sat in silence for a while. “I don’t want anything other than to know my son, and you.” Then I snapped to attention. Me? What the hell did I have to do with it? I wanted nothing more than to crawl up into him, let him cover my body with his, and pretend none of it was happening. I wanted to feel as secure as I had all those years ago, but that shit was not in the cards. Ever.

  “I won’t keep Ollie from you, but it’s his choice, not mine. I won’t let you force it on him. I won’t let you bail on him, either. You are either in or out, no flakey shit.” It was a point I would argue into the ground. Jacob was not going to bully either of us into anything, and I wouldn’t allow him to abandon Ollie once they met. Then he said something I really didn’t expect.

  “What about you?” Jacob set his jaw, looking serious as hell when he said it. The man was so gorgeous. Tall and built with those dark eyes and high cheekbones. Everything about him was sexy. Why did he even care about my opinion?

  “You’re married.” My voice was as unaffected as I could possibly keep it and his marriage was the best reason I had to stay away from him. I saw the wedding pictures, there was a tan line from his ring. Jacob shook his head, explaining what happened the day he moved back home after his mom died.

  He came in to an empty apartment with divorce papers on the table with a note about her screwing his assistant coach. He signed them and left. Jacob stared at the floor, talking about being married for two years to an unfaithful, bitter wife. I listened, trying not to focus on how bad I needed a drink, while the poor guy dumped all his hurt on me. More than thirteen long years, and there we were talking like best friends, taking on each other’s burdens. Without a word, I got up, poured us both a drink, and took the glass back to him.

  “When are you going to tell him?” Jacob downed the drink and rolled the glass between his hands. “I want to be there.” I knew better than to argue when he used that tone. I nodded. “Soon, Lydia. I’ve missed enough, and I’m not going anywhere, not ever again.” More of my world crumbled into dust, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

  “Tomorrow?” I wanted it over with too, then we could start healing and Ollie could start to forgive me. Like a Band-Aid—rip it off and deal with the pain. I would need to tell my family, talk to them as well as Ollie. I could still hear my mother from thirteen years ago, but she would have to suck it up. She had been cruel about my pregnancy, and then was the same way with Jovie a few years later. Fortunately, the years and a few grandkids had mellowed her out.

  Jacob stayed a while longer, asking about Oliver. I answered his questions, trying to be as open and honest as possible. We covered everything from hobbies to grades. I wanted to scream, yell at him to get out and leave us alone, but I couldn’t; Oliver was his too, and I couldn’t deny either of them a relationship. I didn’t like it, hated it, actually, but if we could work things out amicably, it would be best for everyone. Jacob was not one to be turned down and I couldn’t be selfish. Jacob came crashing in, again, and I had to deal the best I knew how. Unfortunately, all the emotions from the past kept bubbling up, threatening to be my undoing. I loved him. Jacob was the father of my son and the only man I ever wanted. Staying away from all of that would prove to be one hell of a challenge, and I wasn’t sure I was up to it.

  Chapter Five

  JACOB

  Lydia let me overstay my welcome, answering all my questions and putting a very large dent in a bottle of Jack. I couldn’t blame her. I was in her space, invading her life, and forcing her to tell secrets she never intended to share. I hated making her uncomfortable, but she was going to have to deal with it. I was there, and nothing could make me leave again. The more we talked, the more of her old self came out and she relaxed. Lydia talked about Oliver with passion and a look of pure adoration. He was a smart kid with great grades and a good group of friends. His hobbies were much like mine had been; soccer, baseball, and skateboarding. I didn’t get into anything too deep, but I wanted to download all the information I missed. His birth weight, first steps, and first word. Instead, I stuck to the present. We could cover the past later. I stuck to facts and so did she, avoiding anything emotional. The tension hung over us in her living room, weighing us down. We didn’t talk about it, but she had to feel it too.

  We agreed to meet after school the next day at the skate
park Oliver liked to frequent and I stood to leave. Lydia brushed her dress out, looking at the ground. I never expected to see her again, much less want to touch her, own her again. But I did. She was so fucking beautiful, nervously picking at her nails, and ignoring the thick tension. I hadn’t drunk enough to even get buzzed, but she certainly had and I was glad we hadn’t met out somewhere. Leaving her safely at home eased my mind. Lydia finally looked up at me, biting her lip, and I nearly lost control. She did the same thing to me the moment I saw her for the first time and for months after. Standing silently in her living room, I was determined that the girl I had years before was mine again, even if she had no damn clue. I knew better than to just say it, to be too pushy with her. Lydia would shut down, close me out, and that was the last thing I wanted.

  “Thank you, Lyd.” I closed the space between us in two long strides and took her hand. “I know you don’t want to do this, but I appreciate it.” I leaned down and kissed her hairline just above her temple. She sucked in a sharp breath and closed her eyes. Without another word, I left before I did something worse, said something worse. I couldn’t deny I wanted her. Those thirteen years didn’t matter. Lydia was still mine, and I still belonged to her. Oliver made it even more so. I never had those big dreams of a family, but they were practically laid out in front of me, and I was going to keep it that way. When I was done, my son would be under my roof, and my woman would be in my bed.