Forever & Again

by Allie York

  The conversation with Dad when I got back was pretty priceless. I went over everything, even the details about how Lydia and I met. “Well, aren’t you a jackass? Didn’t we teach you better than to put your dick where it didn’t belong, son?” His mouth hinted at a smile, and I rolled my eyes. “The kid smart?”

  “Very, good grades, all around good kid.” I ran my hands through my hair. I kept meaning to cut it, but it kept slipping my mind.

  “And his mom?”

  “She’s a teacher. Great mom. Her house is nice, and she talks about him like he is the best thing to ever happen. She’s being very accommodating too. Couldn’t ask for more considering the situation.” I smiled at the thought of Lydia getting excited to brag about Oliver. There was a lot to brag about. The kid was pretty amazing, but our opinions may have been biased.

  “Jacob.” I jerked to attention at my father’s gruff voice. “Holding a torch for this one, aren’t ya? Is she why Tera didn’t work?” Dad hated Tera from day one; I probably should have listened to him.

  “Tera was a mistake, obviously, but if she hadn’t screwed me over, I wouldn’t have come back. I wouldn’t have run into Lydia and Oliver. And, yeah, I’m holding a torch. Probably always will.” It was easy to admit. Maybe it was screwed up to hold on to one woman for so long, but my heart had always been with Lydia. No other woman would have me fully. Lydia ignited a fire in me that burned only for her, and no amount of time would put it out.

  My dad’s smile took over. “You may want to let her know about it, son.” He patted my leg, retreating down the hall toward his room. I planned on listening to my old man for once. I had been presented with the opportunity of a lifetime, and I was going to take full advantage of it.

  I watched from my truck for a few minutes, taking in the scene. Lydia was leaned back on the bench, legs crossed, watching Oliver skate. Her dress stopped at her knees and had an open back. Her auburn locks were piled on her head, leaving her neck and shoulders bare. There was a tiny tattoo at the base of her neck that I couldn’t make out but was desperate to get a closer look at. My Lydia was just as beautiful as she had been years ago, probably more. No, definitely more. I had sent flowers to her classroom that morning—tiger lilies. Hopefully it wasn’t too much but made my intentions clear. Our son wasn’t the only thing I wanted in my life.

  Oliver had a black and green helmet on with his long hair in a low bun at his neck, and I almost cringed watching him drop down the half pipe. How she watched him skateboard was beyond me. What if he fell? What if he broke something? Surely, the kid had fallen before. How did parents even handle the everyday stress?

  When Lydia checked the time, I got my ass out of the truck and shook the tension from my hands. If Oliver decided he wanted nothing to do with me, there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn’t giving in that easily, but it would mean I had to back off. The closer I got to her, the worse it was. I wanted so badly to pretend I hadn’t left, to grab her up and kiss her like I used to. Instead, I sat down wordlessly and cuffed the sleeves of my shirt to my elbows. Lydia’s posture straightened and she wrapped her arms around herself. Protecting herself from me.

  “Just let him enjoy this a few minutes longer.” Lyd didn’t look at me when she spoke, she just stayed focused on Oliver laughing with his friends and taking his helmet off to shake out his hair. It was eerie how much the kid looked like me. Not just the dark features, but the way he laughed, the way he was built. Oliver was the most amazing thing I had ever seen.

  “He hasn’t asked about his father in years.” I watched Lydia talk. “I told him I had no idea where his father was, but I loved him enough for two parents and Ollie never asked again. At the time, it was true.” She stopped when Oliver saw us and wandered over, board tucked under his arm.

  My son grinned at me. “Hey.” Oliver offered me a fist bump, that I returned and dropped his board to sit on it in front of us. “What’s wrong, Mom?” He reached over, taking her hand, and Lydia smiled. The kid was definitely in tune with her moods. Our son knew instantly his mother was upset.

  “I just need to talk to you. Can you listen for a minute?” She squeezed his fingers, and he went rigid, glaring at me. I was making a great impression. “You haven’t asked in a really long time, so I just pretended the issue didn’t exist,” Lydia paused, wiping the lone tear from her cheek. “Ollie, Jacob is your father.” I stared at the concrete, afraid to see his reaction. “Just listen. Please.” Lydia went through the story, explaining why I left and how I had no idea he even existed. She told him how different things were then without the Internet to track people down. Her voice shook, but she never cried. When I looked at him, his mouth was open and he was shaking his head. Oliver looked disgusted.

  Then he jumped to his feet. “So what happens now? I’m not going to get bounced around, not going to be like those kids with divorced parents. I don’t need him; we don’t need him. We’re fine, Mom. We don’t need him!” Oliver pointed an accusing finger at me, his voice getting louder, angrier with each word. “Who do you think you are? Coming in here and upsetting her? We don’t need you!” Lydia grabbed Oliver before he could come toward me, holding him back. The kid looked like he might take a swing at me. Yeah, definitely my son.

  “You don’t need me. You’re exactly right.” I met his eyes and watched the pain swirl around. “No one is bouncing you around, and I never meant to upset your mom. I would never want to hurt her.” Oliver glared up at me when I stood and moved a step toward him. His hand was curled tight around hers. “Nothing changes. I just want to get to know you and for you to get to know me. That’s it. And it’s all on your terms. You call all the shots.” I didn’t know what else to say. How can you tell a kid you loved him instantly without freaking him out entirely? Oliver snapped his helmet back on and kicked off, leaving us alone again. Lydia stared at the ground while I watched him ride away.

  “He’ll be fine. Just give him some time.” Lydia sounded completely unconvinced when she said it. “You have to understand, Jacob, I never told anyone who Ollie belonged to. My parents don’t know. I couldn’t risk you losing everything over what was obviously a stupid mistake.” Then the tears started. I was impressed she had held them back so long. Fuck. Neither of them were mistakes. Yeah, they were a surprise, but they were exactly what I needed after my world had crashed around me. They were my shot at having a life again.

  I tipped her face up, wiping the tear from her cheek. “Stop, Lyd. Please.” Her blue eyes locked on mine and I had to compose myself. The woman could unravel me with one look. “The past is done. We pick up and move on, all right? None of that was a mistake. You have no fucking clue how glad I am to see you again.” I didn’t express my undying love and devotion, but I put it out there. Lydia bobbed her head in a quick acknowledgement, and I let her chin go. We went back to silently watching our son hang out with his friends like nothing happened. I was going to win her back and win him over if it killed me. And I would never let them out of my sight again.

  Chapter Six

  LYDIA

  It was a week before Ollie agreed to see Jacob. I couldn’t blame the kid, really. We had dropped a massive thing on him and the poor guy was coping as well as any kid would. We did talk about it a little more. I swore to him that neither of us knew I was pregnant when Jacob left, but he still seemed to hold on to some of his anger. Oliver needed to be mad at someone and picked Jacob, insisting he was fine and didn’t need a father. I told Jovie before we went over to Mom’s, and she completely freaked out. She had Jacob for algebra as a freshman when I was a senior, so the whole thing was a little taboo for her. Considering her first husband was seven years older and she was a kid herself, my sister had little room to talk, but I understood. It was the teacher thing more than the age thing.

  “Wait, Mr. Teller?” Jovie’s voice hit that high-pitch she used when she was shocked.

  “Yeah, Mr. Teller. It was a summer thing and then he left.” I tried to sound nonchalant, washing the di
shes with my phone propped in my shoulder.

  “Way to go, L. Mr. Teller was hot as hell. Still hot?” She baby-talked to a dog or kid for a second.

  “Very. Jove, he’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Well, next to Ollie, of course. He sent me flowers too. Jacob is just …” I made some exhausted, frustrated sound.

  “Aww, Lyds, you want him.” Little hussy knew me too well. “Just take it slow. Let Ollie get to know him. You get to know him and just see what happens.” My little sister was always the voice of reason. “Mom and Dad will embrace it, they always do. Mom will feed him, Dad will talk some crap about politics with him, and it will all be good. Just keep your cool.” I thanked her for talking me down and let her get back to her busy life.

  I had Ollie there when I sat the rest of my family down to talk about it and even defended Jacob when Mom questioned his leaving. Mom and Dad took it well, letting me be upset and insisting that I could have told them. Mom was even more relieved to hear about Jacob wanting to be part of Ollie’s life. Fortunately, she didn’t ask my opinion on the man.

  My emotions were a little raw where Jacob was concerned and I was never good at hiding my feelings from her or anyone else. Dad was the best, though, telling me he only wanted me happy and that I shouldn’t have carried it around so long. Reese gave me shit about “boning the teacher” and my grandmother asked for pictures. Grams was eighty-one and the epitome of a dirty old lady. She was always staring at Ewan’s butt and talking about Julian’s biceps. Overall, it went better than expected.

  As the week went on, I would mention Jacob casually, and the first few times Ollie shut me down, retreating to his room and slamming the door. He swore the anger wasn’t toward me, but I knew better. My sweet boy hated the idea of being mad at his mom, but he was and had the right to be. There was no easy way to look at it or handle it. I was just lucky that Jacob was being agreeable and not diving into attorneys and custody. That would tear Ollie apart. It would tear me apart.

  Jacob texted me daily, but it wasn’t annoying. I actually enjoyed the quick conversations. It would start with him telling me good morning, or good afternoon then asking how my day was going. Jacob would ask how Ollie was holding up, and that would be the end of it. I expected him to be pushier, but he was keeping his distance while making his presence known. Either Jacob had matured out of that trait, or the man was fighting his nature something fierce. Then there was Torin. That jackass was domineering and was becoming more so each day I ignored him. With the Jacob drama, our hook-ups were less frequent and he was getting irritated with his lack of pussy. I knew Torin was jealous, but considering I told him repeatedly that I was not willing to be in a relationship, ever, he had no right to be.

  Oliver was hiding out in his room while I cooked, talking to Jovie on the phone, washing dishes again. It was becoming our nightly ritual. “So are you seeing him? I mean flowers every day for a week sends a clear message.” My sister had a point. I had come into my classroom every day that week to find a new bouquet of lilies. He remembered my favorite flower after all those years.

  “No, I’m not. I actually haven’t seen him since he barged in the other day. I know it makes me sound nuts, but I am terrified of him and want to fuck him all at the same time. What if he leaves again? What if I get all caught up again and Jacob decides this isn’t for him? Being around him turns me into an irrational teenager again. I loved him so much, Jove, but it wasn’t reciprocated, and I have let that hurt carry me for years. I can’t let myself be in such a shitty situation again. Hell, how do I know the guy didn’t go from high school to high school screwing stupid young girls.” If I could be honest with anyone, it was Jovie. I wiped my hands, leaning against the counter, and waited for her snarky response.

  “Lyds, look, you can fight this all day, but what it comes down to is that you have held a flame for his guy for a million long ass years, whether he was a man-whore or not. No one is really to blame for him leaving, and it sucked, but he has an anchor here now and seems to be using it. Stop being bitter and let him in a little. Our conversation has been the same every day for a week,” she said softly, “I can’t tell you what to do, but I know you and I know this is the guy who has ruined all other men for you. So, you can go on screwing the asshole guy with the kid in your class, or you can give your baby daddy a shot. I vote the latter, but whatever. You just never know.” I grumbled an agreement and got off the phone to finish cooking dinner.

  My sister had a point, Jacob was the person I compared all men to, the one that kept me from getting involved with other men. I had offers, I went on dates, but none of them stuck, none of them ever affected me like Jacob did. He could look at me and I was lost in his presence. I tried to pretend it was because of Ollie, but it wasn’t. I still held on to the girlish fantasy that Jacob would come storming into my life again and sweep me off of my feet. Plus, Jovie hated Torin with a passion. She had a good reason—Torin was kind of an ass.

  The doorbell made me realize the bread was going to burn and I set it on the counter before running to the door. I had to compose myself, especially after the little pep talk from Jove. Jacob came in, looking handsome as ever and I took a deep breath before closing the door behind him. Despite my wiser sister’s advice, I would never trust Jacob again. I had no reason to distrust him, but I did, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Jacob hugged me, thanking me for cooking, and I patted his back awkwardly. His touch nearly melted me into a puddle at his feet, but I could never let him know how I felt.

  “Did Oliver come to his decision alone?” Jacob moved into the kitchen, following the smell of food, and cocking his head to see my answer. I shook my head. No point in lying. I had badgered him a little, but he finally broke down because of his own curiosity. Oliver may have looked like his father, but the kid was mine. “So, he doesn’t want me here?” Jacob’s shoulder slumped slightly.

  “He does. I pushed it a little, but Ollie sent the text. I think he wants to know you, but is guarded.” Jacob looked me over and took a long stride toward me.

  “What about you?” His chocolate eyes burned into mine and I inadvertently licked my lips. Just the thought of his mouth on mine again made my chest tight. The memory of his cinnamon taste made me a mess. His proximity was dizzying. I would readily admit to wanting him, but I couldn’t do it. I could never let him back in. It hurt too much. I was a wreck.

  “I have nothing to do with this.” I looked everywhere but at him, backing into the counter. Jacob followed me, like I knew he would, and took my hand. His thumbs made circles on my palm and my chest fluttered.

  “You have everything to do with this, Lyd. I missed you so fucking much.” I slid away from him and escaped to find Ollie. It was too much, too scary. I loved the person Jacob had been, but didn’t know the current man. I had too much pent-up anger, too much hurt where he was concerned. The very idea of being with Jacob again and it being more than a three-month screw-fest was terrifying. Jacob was there for our son and nothing more. I just had to keep it that way and slow the rollercoaster I was on.

  Ollie was in his room, reading a comic book on his bed. He glanced at me, rolled his eyes, and followed me from the room without a word. Dinner was silent except for the small talk Jacob attempted and the light noises of forks on China. Ollie answered in grunts and nods, trying to avoid conversation, but I caught him staring at Jacob when he thought we weren’t looking. Even I had to admit it was nice to see him look at his dad with such admiration. Or to look at his dad at all. I had spent the last week being bitter and terrified of what Jacob would mean for mine and Ollie’s relationship. It hadn’t even crossed my mind how good it would be for Ollie to have a man like Jacob in his life. One who loved him instantly and could do things with him that I couldn’t. Jacob could teach Ollie so much, could mean so much to our son. Guilt threatened to drown me. Who the hell was I to keep Ollie away from his father? It had been unintentional at first, but after I found him, I should have called, contacted him i
n some way. It was conflicting. Part of me was glad for them, the other part was jealous that I would have to share my baby.

  “Dinner was amazing, Lyd. What do you two usually do after dinner?” Jacob put his napkin on his plate and pushed back slightly. I watched Ollie mimic the gesture. I couldn’t tell if it was a conscious decision or if they were just that much alike. The latter wouldn’t have surprised me.

  “We clean up and I kick her butt at Mario Kart.” I collected the dishes, impressed Ollie gave him an actual answer. So was Jacob by the look on his face. He looked at me, eyes wide, with a clear Did you see that? on his face.

  “You two play, I’ll clean up, yeah?” I winked at my beautiful son and left them to their video game. I heard him groan, but it was an act. He could put on for Jacob, but Ollie was curious about him. Our son wanted to know his dad and I had no clue how to feel about it.

  The dishes were loaded, brownies were baking, and I could hear Ollie laughing. He was actually laughing with Jacob. I waited in the doorway, just listening to them, and my heart warmed. I forced the jealous thoughts from my mind. Sharing Ollie would be okay. Lots of parents did it and Jacob was being very agreeable.

  “No, no. You gotta hit the trigger underneath. The trigger. Man, you suck at this.” Ollie laughed, and Jacob’s rough laugh joined in. “Hopefully you’re better at baseball than you are at gaming. How do you even come in last three times in a row?”

  “Watch it, kid!” Jacob was still laughing, “I might suck at video games, but I will teach you a thing or two about baseball.” They went on, taking jabs at each other and laughing at Jacob’s expense. It was amazing. Maybe letting Jacob in a little wouldn’t be so bad, maybe it would be just what I needed. I knew it would do Ollie some good.

  We moved the party out to the backyard once the brownies were done and Jacob took off his dress shirt to throw the ball with Ollie. I sat at the picnic table, watching while Jacob repositioned Ollie’s arm and stance. I had to continually remind myself how badly they both deserved the time, the opportunity to know each other, and forced myself to hang in the background. Once it was too dark to see the ball, they came in all laughter and raucous. I couldn’t help but think it was how my life was supposed to be. Ollie with his dad playing baseball and tracking mud into the house. It was the happy ending I would never see. I sent Oliver to shower and started unloading the dishwasher. Jacob watched me—I could feel him like a caress. I was always overly aware of his eyes on me. His presence in the house was overwhelming, and I felt like a fumbling moron. All the guy had to do was watch me and I got flustered.