Breaking Alexandria

by K. A. Robinson

  “Don’t you want to eat first?” Landon asked as he stopped next to me.

  I opened the door and walked out without glancing over my shoulder. “Not hungry.”

  Landon sighed as he followed me out the door. “Head to the barn. We’ve got to fix a fence today.”

  I walked over to the barn. The four-wheeler was sitting in the doorway with a bucket of nails, fence stretchers, and a hammer in the rack on the front of it. I didn’t even care that we were going to spend the entire day out in the field, baking in the sun. I just wanted to get everything done, so I could go back to the house and mope some more.

  Landon walked past me and climbed onto the four-wheeler. I hopped up behind him as he started it. He glanced back at me once before pulling away from the barn and driving toward the driveway. I wrapped my arms around him once we started to go across the field. I hated to admit it, but he made me feel safe—even more so after last night. But feeling safe was as far as I was going to let my feelings go when it came to him. After what Joel had done to me, I didn’t think I would ever be able to trust any guy again.

  He drove farther than last time, passing the water spring and continuing into the woods. The path was narrow, and we had to duck more than once to avoid getting hit in the face with a tree limb. Finally, the trees opened up to another clearing.

  We climbed a hill, and Landon parked the four-wheeler at the very top. We were high up on the hill, and I could see for miles around us. I couldn’t deny that West Virginia was beautiful. No matter where I looked, there was nothing but green trees and hill after hill. I hopped off the four-wheeler and waited as Landon climbed off after me.

  He pointed to where the fence line was. “We need to redo a few lines of fence over there. The deer have been jumping through it, and it’s too loose. I can tighten most of it, but I’ll have to replace a few places.”

  I nodded as I grabbed the bucket with fence staples, and I started walking to the fence. I heard Landon grabbing everything else before following me. We stopped once we made it to the first spot where the barbed wire was hanging loosely.

  “What do you need me to do?” I asked, almost wincing at the sound of my own voice. There had been no emotion in it at all. It was like I was dead inside.

  “I’m going to have you pull it tight while I use the hammer to tighten the staples.”

  I nodded as I watched him grab the stretchers and pull the fence through.

  “Just hold it tight like this while I nail.”

  I took the stretchers from him and held it tightly as he grabbed the hammer and nailed the fence staple back to the post. We continued working together for the next hour or so with me holding the fence as he nailed.

  Once we had all of it fixed, he grabbed a roll of barbed wire and started stringing it out along the fence line to replace some of it. Just as he set the line down and started walking back to me, my phone beeped.

  My heart stopped with that one little beep. Why did I bring it with me today? I knew why—it was second nature to have it with me. I just never expected someone to text me. My hands were shaking as I pulled it from my pocket and unlocked it. My heart started working double-time when I saw the message was from Riley.

  Riley: Can you call me when you get a chance? I know you’re upset, but it wasn’t what it looked like. Tasha has been after him for a long time, and she took advantage of him last night. He loves you, Lexi. He’d never hurt you like that. He’s freaking out. He wants to drive to WV to find you, but I won’t let him.

  I took a deep breath as I reread the message a few times. I wanted to believe Riley. Every cell in my body was screaming at me to text him back and tell him to let Joel know that I still loved him and that things would be okay, but I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried to push it away, the image of Joel and Tasha together last night kept flashing before my eyes. I would never be able to let it go. I would never be able to trust him again. I couldn’t live my life that way.

  Tears streamed down my face as I typed out my reply.

  Me: Please keep him away from me, Riley. I can’t handle seeing him ever again. Regardless of how she ended up on his lap, she was still there. I can’t go back from that. What if he’s been cheating on me the entire time? I’ll never trust him again.

  I started to put my phone back in my pocket, but he replied back almost instantly.

  Riley: Please don’t do this to him, Lexi. Please. He loves you.

  Me: I’m sorry that you’re in the middle of this, but I can’t go back. I’ll never be able to forgive him for what he did to me. Please don’t contact me again.

  I shut off my phone and tucked it back into my pocket. I could barely see through the tears filling my eyes. I wiped them away as they streamed down my face. God, this hurts. I never thought I would ever be strong enough to tell Joel to stay away from me, but I had been. I’d felt a little piece of myself die as I had done it, but I’d stayed strong.

  Landon’s arms were around me suddenly, and I clung to him as I cried. He pulled me down to the ground with him, and I curled up in his lap as I cried. I felt guilt mix with my pain as I let him hold me, but I didn’t care. I needed someone to hold me right now. I wasn’t cheating on Joel by letting Landon touch me. There was no Joel anymore. It was just me. I only wished that things had ended differently between Joel and me. Now, Landon would never get that chance he had been waiting on. I was damaged, and I would only hurt him.

  “Please don’t cry, City. I can’t stand to see you like this,” he whispered in my ear as he rocked me back and forth.

  I hiccupped. “I’m sorry. It just hurts so badly. I was so stupid.”

  “I told you last night—you’re not stupid. You’re human. We care too much, and sometimes, that blinds us from the truth.”

  “He ruined me completely. I’ll never trust anyone again,” I whispered into his chest as my sobs quieted.

  “He didn’t ruin you. It hurts right now, and I know you feel like you have no one, but you have me. I won’t hurt you, I swear.”

  “I can’t be what you want, Landon. I’m so sorry, but I can’t.”

  “I don’t want you to be anything. Don’t even worry about me right now. Just focus on healing and moving on, okay? I’m your friend and nothing more.”

  I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. “Thank you for everything.”

  He hugged me back. “You’re welcome, City. If you need to talk, I’m here.”

  We sat like that for a while, both of us unwilling to move. I made a vow to myself then and there that I would never hurt Landon. He was too good of a person to be destroyed by me. I was going to put him in the friend zone and keep him there.

  After my breakdown, fixing the holes in the fence took us much longer than Landon had expected.

  Several hours later, we were ready to return to the farm. He flipped the headlights on, and we drove home in near darkness. I clung to his back, unwilling to let him go. I felt guilty for using him, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. He’d said that he was my friend, and right now, I needed a friend more than anything.

  When we pulled up to the barn, my stomach dropped. “Oh my God, this can’t be happening.”

  Landon looked over to see what I was talking about. Joel’s car was parked in the driveway in front of the house. We watched as he stepped out and started walking over to us. He stopped a few feet away from the four-wheeler, and I winced when I saw just how bad his face looked. Landon really had beat the shit out of him.

  “Lexi…”

  A shiver ran through my body at the sound of Joel’s voice. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to jump off of the four-wheeler and run into his arms. Instead, I stayed put and tightened my grip on Landon.

  “What are you doing here, Joel?” I asked, my voice cold.

  “I came to find you. We need to talk about last night.”

  “I have nothing to say to you, Joel. You wasted your time coming here.”

  “I’m not leaving without ta
lking to you”—he glanced at Landon—“alone.”

  “If you think I’m going to leave you alone with her after what happened, you’re out of your damn mind,” Landon said angrily.

  “Listen, buddy, I don’t know who you are, and if you want the truth, I really don’t give a flying fuck. This is between me and Lex, and you need to butt out,” Joel said as he glared at Landon.

  “Don’t talk to him like that, Joel. He’s been here for me while you’ve been out partying and fucking Tasha,” I spit out.

  Joel looked between Landon and me. His eyes dropped to where I was still holding Landon. “I’m sure he’s been a real nice guy to you. Maybe I should be asking you about what you’ve been doing this summer.”

  Landon’s body tensed under my grip.

  “Don’t you dare accuse me of cheating, you ass! I’ve never slept around on you. I actually cared enough about you to stay away from Landon or any other guy!”

  Joel’s shoulders dropped in defeat. “I know you wouldn’t cheat on me, Lexi. I’m sorry. I just…I don’t know what to do here. What you saw last night wasn’t what it looked like. I was messed-up, and she knew it.”

  Unable to stop myself, I pulled away from Landon and climbed off the four-wheeler. I stomped over to where Joel was standing and slapped him. “You’re a fucking asshole, Joel! Regardless of whether or not you were fucked-up, you were still with her! Have you been with her the entire time we’ve been together?”

  I heard Landon climb off the four-wheeler, and he came to stand behind me. He rested his hand against my lower back to let me know that he was there.

  “What? No, of course not! I’ve never cheated on you, Lexi!”

  “I don’t believe you. As far as I know, you probably fucked her once I left your house each night! That would have been awesome for you, wouldn’t it? Fuck me, and then fuck her, too!” I shouted as Landon’s fingers dug into my side. I wasn’t sure if it was because of what I’d just said or because he was preparing to hold me back in case I went after Joel.

  “Lexi, I swear to God, I haven’t been with anyone since we’ve been together.” Joel stepped forward until he was only inches away from me. “I love you, Lexi. It has always been you. I’ve been waiting for you to finish school, so we could leave Columbiana together and start over. I know my…job isn’t the best in the world, and I’m working on it. I swear, I am. I want us to be together more than anything.”

  “It’s too late, Joel. I’ll never forgive you for what you did,” I said as I pushed him back.

  Landon released me and stepped away from us. He knew I needed to get this rage out, or I would explode.

  “You’re fucking worthless, Joel. Go back to your drugs and your whores. Live your life however you want to because I’m no longer a part of it.”

  “You’re mine, Lexi. I’m not giving up on us!” Joel shouted.

  “It doesn’t matter what you want. I’m not yours, not anymore. Now, get in your car and leave before I hit you again.”

  “Hit me! Kick me in the balls for all I care! Whatever makes you feel better. I’ll do anything to make you forgive me. Please give me another chance!”

  “Leave!” I shouted as I stepped forward and shoved him again.

  He caught my hands and pulled me against him. Before I could stop him, he crushed his mouth down on mine. My body hummed at the contact, begging me to forgive him. I let myself go for just a minute, and I kissed him back. He moaned into my mouth as I kissed him, thinking that I was forgiving him. But I wasn’t. Instead, I was using the kiss as a final good-bye.

  I broke the kiss and stepped away.

  He smiled down at me. “Lexi, I—”

  I took another step back. “Good-bye, Joel. Don’t contact me again, or I swear to God, I’ll call the cops on your ass. I won’t stop my mother from pressing charges against you.”

  His face fell. “Don’t do this to me, to us. Please.”

  “Good-bye.” I turned and walked past Landon. “Please make sure that he leaves.”

  He nodded as he glared at Joel. I continued walking until I was inside the barn. I stopped once I made it to the back room where my grandpa kept all the grains. I sat down on a stack of feed bags and let myself cry. I could hear shouting outside for a few minutes, and then I heard a car door slam shut. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard Joel’s car start and then pull away.

  Landon found me a few minutes later. He didn’t say anything as he sat down beside me and let me cry. I leaned into his side as he wrapped his arm around me. When my tears finally dried, I pulled away and looked up at him.

  He frowned and wiped the tearstains from my cheeks. “Don’t cry, City. He isn’t worth it.”

  I stared up at him, taking in just how different he was from Joel. They were complete opposites in every way imaginable, inside and out. Joel had a darkness to him where Landon was all light.

  “I’m done crying over him. He’s caused me enough tears to last a lifetime. I just want to forget about him and get on with my life.”

  Landon smiled, but it was weak. I knew he hated to see me like this.

  “Good. Now, come on. I’m sure Lily has food ready.”

  I laughed. “When doesn’t she have food ready? I swear, I’ll be huge by the time I leave this farm.”

  “I doubt that. Besides, you’re beautiful, fat or skinny.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Let’s go.”

  I smiled as I stood and followed him out of the barn. I refused to look down the driveway, afraid that I would see Joel standing there. My heart ached when I realized that I still loved him despite everything. But the anger and heartbreak I felt were enough to push away any thoughts of going after him. I was better than that. I would move on. I would survive.

  One Month Later

  I hated the summer heat, but I was getting used to it. It was only a week into July, but it was ten times hotter than June had been. I barely noticed it anymore. While I worked outside, I always zoned in on what I was doing and shoved away everything else, including the heat. My grandfather would watch me closely when I worked around him, but I never gave him a reason to yell at me again.

  I hadn’t turned on my phone in over a month. I’d felt like I was missing a part of my body by not having it on or with me, but I’d dealt with it. Turning it on would only lead to more tears, and I’d cried enough. It was time to move on and get my life back on track.

  When I’d first come here, I had dreaded the summer. Now that I wasn’t with Joel, I was dreading the day when I would have to return home. I still had a month and a half before I would have to go back for school, and I was savoring every day. I didn’t want to go back. I was afraid that I would run into Joel or someone would start shit with me at school. Now that I wasn’t under Joel’s protection, I was sure that I would be targeted a lot more by the girls at my school.

  I’d spent the last month learning how to forget about Joel. It still hurt to think about him, but I was slowly healing and moving on. The longer I spent without him, the more I realized just how much he’d changed me. No, he hadn’t been the one who changed me. That was on me. I’d become a different person because I thought that was who I was supposed to be to make him happy, but no more. I decided to accept myself for who I was and let the anger go. It was almost as hard as not thinking about Joel, but I was doing it. Maybe by the time I made it home, I would be healed.

  “Let’s do something fun tonight,” Landon said as he closed the barn door. Then, he started walking to the house with me.

  Over the past month, I’d started to open up to him more. He never mentioned our kiss or the day after, but I knew when he was thinking about it. I would catch him staring at me when he thought I wasn’t paying attention, and he was always careful not to touch me any more than he had to. I had put him in the friend zone, and I was trying my hardest to keep him there.

  Since we were both ignoring our attraction for each other and focusing on being friends, we’d become even closer. Landon w
as my best friend now, not that I’d had one before. I would tell him everything that bothered me. I’d talked about Joel and the things I’d done for him. My stomach had turned when I told Landon about dealing drugs for Joel. Now that I was thinking clearly, I understood just how fucked-up it had been to do that. I was realizing just how fucked-up several things in my life had been.

  “Like what?” I asked.

  “I want to take you muddin’ tonight. I think you’ll have fun. These storms we’ve been having lately have left a lot of mud holes.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Oh, come on. You have to try it at least once. You don’t have to drive the four-wheeler or anything, I swear.”

  I studied him for a moment. He took off his hat to wipe the sweat off his brow. His hair had gotten long enough now that it hung in his eyes when his hat wasn’t on. I still loved how it curled at the ends. It made him look so cute and sweet.

  “All right, I’m in,” I said.

  “Cool. Let’s eat dinner, and then I’ll come pick you up on my dad’s four-wheeler. We can’t ride on the property, or your grandpa will kill me, but I know of a spot close-by.”

  I nodded as I stepped up onto the porch. “See you in a few.”

  I walked into the kitchen where Gram was setting the table. After washing my hands, I dropped into my chair. Landon and I had spent most of the day moving the cattle from one field to the other, and I was exhausted after chasing them. For such big animals, they could move fast when they wanted to.

  “Did you get the cattle moved?” Gram asked as she put a plate in front of me.

  “Yeah, finally. A few of the calves gave us some trouble, but we finally got them.”

  “Caleb will be happy. He kept saying that the grass was getting short in the field he had them in.”