Breaking Alexandria

by K. A. Robinson

  I’d been so angry with Joel for hurting me that I didn’t realize just how much I still loved him. I wished more than anything that I could take it all back. I just wanted him to hold me again and tell me that everything would be okay. I wanted to hear his laughter. I wanted him.

  My mother drove me to the funeral home. The minute that we pulled into the lot, I spotted Riley standing a few feet away from the doors, smoking a cigarette. As soon as he noticed me, he tossed it aside and ran to me.

  “Lexi, I’m so glad you came. I was afraid that you wouldn’t.” He grabbed me and pulled me into his arms.

  I went limp in his arms as I started crying again. Seeing Riley was almost like seeing Joel. They had always been together. Now that I was with Riley, I almost expected Joel to appear, but of course, he didn’t.

  “I can’t believe he’s gone,” I choked out.

  “I know. It doesn’t seem real,” Riley said quietly. “I’m really glad that you’re here, Lexi. It would make him happy if he knew. He never stopped loving you. He knew how badly he messed-up, and he wanted to make it right.”

  “I didn’t let him. I ignored him, and now, it’s too late,” I cried.

  “Shh…it’s okay. He knew that you loved him despite what happened. You were it for him. I never saw him love anyone the way he loved you. He wouldn’t want you to feel guilty for how things happened. He knew he fucked up with you.”

  “I’ll never get the chance to tell him that I forgive him.”

  “No, you won’t, but I think he knew. You can’t feel guilty about what happened. It’ll drive you crazy.”

  I pulled away, refusing to look at Riley. I did feel guilty, and I always would. Nothing Riley or anyone else said would change that. I turned and started walking toward the funeral home. My mother followed a few feet behind Riley and me. When I walked in, I was surprised to see that the room was packed. Most of the faces were familiar. People who we had been friends with and had partied with along with a few of his clients were hanging around. Joel had been a hard-ass, but he’d been loved. There was no denying that.

  “Why didn’t he tell me that he was working with the police?” I finally asked, my voice quiet so that no one except Riley would hear.

  “He didn’t tell anyone, not even me. I knew he was tired of the scene and that he wanted out, but it’s not that easy. He could have left town and started over, but he didn’t. He stayed for us and tried to figure a way out of it all.” Riley shook his head. “If I had known what he was trying to do, I would have helped him. All he had to do was ask me. I would have had his back.”

  I could hear the bitterness and the hurt in Riley’s voice. He was hurting just as bad as I was, and there was nothing I could do to ease his pain. Joel had stayed and risked his life, so he could stay here with me, and in the end, he’d died for me. I couldn’t wrap my head around that. I couldn’t believe that he would risk everything for me.

  “Is his dad here?” I asked finally.

  Riley shook his head. “No, the old bastard didn’t give a fuck about the fact that his son is dead.”

  I winced at the bitterness in Riley’s voice.

  “Who paid for all of this?”

  “I did. Well, Joel did. He had me on his bank account just in case something ever happened. There wasn’t a ton in there, but it was enough to make sure that everything was taken care of.”

  “You’re a good friend, Riley. Joel loved you, too. I hope you know that.”

  He gave me a weak smile. “I hope so. He was my best friend. I knew him since we were kids. He meant the world to me. You do, too, Lexi.” He took a deep breath. “Come on, I’m sure that you want to see him.”

  I didn’t. I wasn’t sure if I could handle seeing Joel in a casket. I was barely hanging on by a thread as it was. If I saw him, I would lose it.

  Riley seemed to notice my hesitation. He grabbed my hand and started pulling me through the crowd. “If you don’t do this, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. I’ll be right beside you.”

  Even though I knew he was right, part of me still didn’t want to see Joel. If I saw him, then all of this would be real. Right now, I could pretend that it was all a cruel joke. I could pretend that if I left and went to his house, he would be waiting for me.

  I wasn’t good at dealing with death. I wasn’t good with emotions, period, except for anger. I had that emotion down for sure. The rest were a mystery to me, something that my brain couldn’t process. My mind wasn’t equipped to handle the emotions trying to break through my barriers.

  Riley didn’t let go of my hand until we reached the front of the room. I froze the moment that the coffin came into view. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t. I started to back away, but Riley caught my hand again and pulled me closer to him.

  “I’m right here, Lexi. I won’t leave your side.”

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them. “Okay.”

  If Riley had noticed how my voice cracked, he didn’t comment. Slowly, I walked the rest of the way to the front of the room. Riley kept his word and stayed beside me the whole time. When we reached the casket, I froze again. It was Joel, but it wasn’t. He was too pale and too…still. Joel had never sat still. His tattoos that I loved so much looked stark against his now pale skin. If it wasn’t for his paleness, I would have thought that he was sleeping. His face was peaceful in death. The expression he had worn to mask his emotions was gone. In death, he had finally found his peace.

  I continued to stare at him until Riley nudged me forward a few more inches. Tears streamed down my face as I reached out and touched Joel’s face. He’s so cold. This isn’t right. A sob escaped me as I pulled my hand back.

  The world started spinning wildly, and Riley caught me just before I hit the floor. I couldn’t breathe as the world closed in on me. Riley held me as I screamed out Joel’s name. We sank to the floor together and stayed there as my body convulsed from the sobs I no longer cared to hold back.

  I wanted to die. Death couldn’t be nearly as painful as seeing my first love in a fucking casket. Nothing could be worse than this.

  “Why?” I screamed.

  “I don’t know, Lexi. I don’t know” Riley whispered as he held me.

  I knew I was making a scene, but I couldn’t stop screaming and crying. Riley stood and pulled me up with him as I screamed out Joel’s name over and over.

  “Get me out of here, please,” I cried.

  “I’ve got you,” Riley said as he picked me up and carried me from the room.

  People moved out of the way, so we could get through. He didn’t stop until we were standing outside of his car. After unlocking it, he shoved me into the passenger seat before climbing in on the driver’s side. Neither of us spoke for a long time. I waited until my sobs quieted to small hiccups. Once they did, I looked over to see a single tear rolling down his cheek.

  “I’m so sorry, Riley.”

  “Never be sorry for loving him—never.”

  He reached across the console and took my hand. I closed my eyes as I leaned back into the seat and tried to forget everything. Riley staying with me meant the world to me, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted Joel to be the one with me, and despite how sick it made me, I wanted Landon here, too.

  Joel was buried in a cemetery across town. After everyone else went home, Riley and I stayed with him. I didn’t think that I would ever leave, but Riley made me. The cemetery workers were waiting for us to leave, so they could finish.

  I picked up a handful of dirt and tossed it into the grave. “I love you, Joel. I always will.”

  We started walking back to Riley’s car, and I didn’t look back. I couldn’t look back. I couldn’t say good-bye to Joel again—not yet. If I did, I was sure that I’d fall apart right in the middle of the cemetery, and no one would ever be able to pick up the pieces.

  I would never be whole again. I’d left half my heart with Joel.

  After that day, I shut down. I stopped living. While I
knew that Joel was gone, my mind refused to process it, so I just stopped…everything. After Riley had dropped me off the day of the funeral, I hadn’t left my parents’ house. The only time I left my room was when I went to the bathroom. My mom tried to get me to come downstairs to eat, but I refused. Instead, she brought food up to my room for me. I ate enough to survive, but that was it.

  My birthday had come and gone two weeks after Joel’s death. My mother had bought a cake and tried to get me to open presents, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Why should I be celebrating my life when Joel was gone?

  The only plus side had been the fact that I could finally drop out of school since I was eighteen, and my mom couldn’t do a thing about it. I never technically went to the school to drop out. I just didn’t show up. By the end of the second week of school, I was pretty sure that they figured out I wasn’t coming back.

  My mom flipped out on me about not going, but I knew she was too worried about me to do anything. She threatened to kick me out, but we both knew that she wouldn’t. She knew that I didn’t care what happened to me.

  The weight I’d gained from living with Gram over the summer quickly disappeared along with a few more pounds. I didn’t even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. I looked sickly. My skin was pale under the tan that I’d received from working outside all summer. Dark circles under my eyes were a permanent feature of mine now. I’d bought hair dye before everything happened, but I’d never used it. Now, almost four weeks after Joel’s death, my blonde roots were showing through, making me look ten times worse. It was too bad that I didn’t give a shit.

  My mom tried to talk to me, and my dad tried over the phone since he was away on an extended trip for work, but I refused to speak to either of them. I knew they were both concerned, but I didn’t care. I just wanted the world to stop spinning and end, so I didn’t have to feel the pain slowly eating me alive.

  Landon called me every day, but I wouldn’t speak to him. I couldn’t. I missed him so much, but each time I thought of him, guilt crippled me. If it wasn’t for him, I would never have let Joel go. I would have taken him back, and things wouldn’t have turned out this way. It was my fault that Joel was dead because I had been too busy falling for Landon to come home and let Joel make things right.

  I knew I was hurting Landon, but there was nothing I could do to help him. I had moved too fast with him, trying to forget about Joel. I’d had sex with Landon after being with him for only a few weeks. I’d used him as a coping mechanism. He needed to let me go and move on with someone who could be with him. My heart ached at the thought of him with someone else, but I had no right to feel that way. I should be mourning Joel only instead of mourning him and my relationship with Landon.

  “I can’t handle this anymore, Alexandria!” my mother shouted at me one day. “I know that he’s gone, but you’re not. You can’t just stop living because of Joel. Do you really think that he’d want you to be like this?”

  I glared at her. “I don’t know. He’s not around for me to ask.”

  She sighed as she sat down on the end of my bed. “I know you’re hurting. I get that. But you can’t let it control you. If you do, you’ll drown in your own sorrow.”

  “I don’t care,” I said stubbornly as I rolled away from her.

  “At least get up and shower, please. Dye your hair a weird color, get more piercings, go get a tattoo to piss me off. Just do something.”

  I froze as I let her words sink in. Go get a tattoo. I sat up so fast that she yelped and jumped off my bed. I was out of my bed and grabbing clothes out of my dresser before she could ask what I was doing. I left the room and hurried to the bathroom to take a shower. Once I finished, I dressed and hurried back to my room. She was still standing there, looking at me like I’d lost my mind.

  “Can I borrow your car?” I asked.

  “Where are you going?” She looked unsure about whether or not I was capable of driving.

  “To live again.”

  She studied me for a minute before pulling her keys out of her pocket and handing them to me. “Please be careful.”

  If this had been a normal day, she never would have let me out of the house without knowing where I was going, but things weren’t normal anymore. I wasn’t normal anymore. I grabbed her keys and hurried out of my room and down the stairs. When I threw the front door open, I was blinded by the sun. After spending the last few weeks in my room with the blinds down, it took me a minute for my eyes to adjust to the brightness. When I could finally see again, I hurried to my mom’s car and got in.

  My mind was spinning as I drove across town to my destination. When I pulled into the lot, I shut off my car and took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. I stared up at the building in front of me. It was the tattoo shop that Joel’s friend worked at. I grabbed my purse and stepped out, never taking my eyes off the building. The minute that my mom had mentioned a tattoo, I’d known exactly what I wanted. It was the perfect thing to remember Joel with.

  A bell rang above the door as I walked in. Three people were sitting in chairs in the waiting area, and I could see three artists working behind the counter. I spotted Joel’s friend, Zack. He was the one who had tattooed me before. All three of the guys glanced up when I walked to the counter.

  Zack’s eyes widened when he saw me. “Lexi?”

  “Hey, Zack. It’s been a while.” I tried to smile, but I failed miserably. I wasn’t sure that I even remembered how to smile.

  Zack glanced at the guy he was working on. “Can you give me a minute?”

  The guy nodded, and Zack stood up and walked over to me.

  “Hey. I heard about Joel. I’m sorry.”

  I looked away from him to keep from crying. I wouldn’t break down here. I took a deep breath before looking back up at him. “Thanks. I need you to help me with something.”

  “Anything,” he said sincerely.

  Joel had always thought that Zack was a good guy. While Zack hadn’t hung out with us a bunch, I’d seen him a few times. He looked exactly how I’d expected a tattoo artist to look. He was wearing shorts and a Slipknot T-shirt today. With the exception of his face, every inch of his skin was covered in tattoos. His hair was a dark brown color and styled into a mohawk. There were multiple piercings in his face. In other words, he was the kind of guy who made most people uncomfortable.

  “I need a tattoo.”

  He smiled. “Well, you came to the right place.” He glanced behind me at the people waiting. “We’re booked today, but I can see if I can get you in for tomorrow.”

  My stomach dropped. I needed to do this now. I couldn’t wait. “Please. It’s for Joel. I…I need this.”

  His eyes softened as he stared at me. He glanced up at the clock. “You’ll have to wait until everyone else is taken care of. It might be a few hours.”

  “That’s fine. I’ll wait. Can you give me some paper and a pencil? I need to draw it anyway.”

  “Sure.” He walked over to a desk where he pulled a few sheets of paper out of the printer and grabbed a couple of pencils.

  “Thank you,” I said as I took them from him.

  I looked around the room for a place to sit. One open chair was available, so I took it and stared down at the paper in front of me. I knew exactly what I wanted to draw, but I was afraid that I wouldn’t get it right. Regardless, I had to try.

  I blocked out everyone around me as I started to sketch. I had always been gifted when it came to drawing, even when I was younger. I just hoped that my skills didn’t fail me now when I needed them the most.

  Hours passed as I worked tirelessly. I ended up tearing up a few of the sheets and starting over, but I finally managed to get the drawing to look how I wanted it.

  After using my phone to find a translation website, I added the finishing touches. I wrote the words that meant so much to me above the drawing. I leaned back in my chair and let out a breath. When I glanced around the shop, I noticed that everyone was gone, e
xcept for Zack.

  “Shit, Zack, I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention,” I said as I jumped up, feeling guilty about keeping him here.

  “Don’t worry about it, Lexi.” He reached out and took the paper from my hands. His mouth dropped open as he stared at my work. “Fuck, Lexi, you’re incredible. I had no idea that you could draw like this.”

  I shrugged, embarrassed by his praise. “Thanks.”

  “What does this mean?” he asked.

  “Primus amor—it means first love in Latin,” I said quietly.

  The drawing was of a motorcycle with flames shooting out of the tailpipes. It was Joel’s bike.

  “Well, it’s an incredible tattoo. I’m honored that you’re asking me to do it. Where are we putting it?”

  I thought for a moment. Due to the size of the tattoo, I needed someplace with a lot of room. I knew a lot of people put larger tattoos on their backs, but I didn’t want it there. I wanted it where I could always see it. I glanced down at my legs. If it wrapped around my outer thigh, that should give it plenty of room. I was glad that I’d worn shorts. While I liked Zack, I didn’t want to drop my pants around him.

  “Here.” I pointed to my leg.

  He nodded as he pointed to one of the tables. “Go ahead and lie down there. It’ll take me a few minutes to get this ready. Are you wanting color or just how it is here?”

  “Exactly like the drawing,” I said as I walked back to the table to lie down on my side.

  A few minutes later, Zack walked back to me and started setting his supplies out. After he applied the tattoo to my leg and let me look at it, we got started. I knew it would take a couple of hours to complete, so I closed my eyes and tried to relax as his gun buzzed to life. I winced as the tip touched my skin, but I didn’t jerk away. After feeling nothing but emptiness for so long, I welcomed the physical pain.

  “You doing okay?” Zach asked when we were halfway finished.