Breaking Alexandria

by K. A. Robinson

  “Yeah, I’m good,” I said, not bothering to open my eyes.

  My leg had gone numb long ago, just like my heart. My thoughts drifted as I listened to the buzz of his gun. Joel had been with me the last time I’d gotten a tattoo. He’d even held my hand at first because I’d been scared. There was no one here to hold my hand now. I was on my own.

  My thoughts went from Joel to Landon without me even realizing it. I thought about the days Landon and I had spent together this summer. Even before things had gone bad with Joel, I had leaned on Landon more than I should have. He’d made staying at the farm bearable when I first went there. I’d had so much rage inside of me then, and he’d helped to soothe me. He had been so nice to me, and he’d made me smile when I thought I had nothing to smile about.

  I knew now that I had started to fall for him even then. So, what kind of person does that make me? I’d had a boyfriend who loved me, and I’d still strayed—maybe not physically, but I had mentally. Then, after everything had happened, I’d let myself get closer to Landon. If I had cared more about my relationship with Joel, maybe he’d still be alive. Maybe I would have been with him that night. Maybe I could have saved him.

  I cared about Landon. I was falling hard for him. No, I’d already fallen for him. He’d made me feel things that Joel hadn’t. It made me sick to my stomach to think that. It was like I was dismissing Joel and everything we’d ever had together.

  I just wanted to forget Landon. I was trying. I’d assumed that not being around him or talking to him would make me forget what I felt, but it hadn’t. I hadn’t looked at or talked to Landon for over a month, yet he was constantly in my thoughts. I felt as much guilt for missing him as I did for abandoning Joel. Between the two, my heart was in shreds.

  “We’re done,” Zack said as he shut his gun off.

  He sprayed solution onto a paper towel. After he wiped the excess ink from my skin, he helped me stand. I walked over to the full-length mirror and turned sideways to see my new tattoo. My breath caught in my throat as I stared at it. Zack was a genius. The tattoo was exactly what I’d drawn for him. I fought to keep the tears at bay as I continued to stare at myself.

  “It’s perfect. Thank you,” I finally said as I turned back to look at him.

  “You’re welcome.” He paused for a second. “Lexi?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I know I’m probably overstepping my boundaries here, but can I give you a piece of advice?”

  “Um…yeah, sure,” I said as I looked at him curiously.

  “I know how bad you’re hurting right now. I…I lost my girlfriend back in high school before I moved here. I thought the pain would kill me. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to stop living.” He swallowed roughly. “I wanted to join her.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” I asked softly.

  “Because I know what you’re going through. It hurts like hell, but it does get better. I knew Joel pretty well, and I know that he wouldn’t want you to waste your life mourning him. He’d want you to live. Just live, Lexi.”

  The tears that I had been trying so hard to hold back burst forth. I lifted my hand and covered my mouth to stifle the sound of my sobs. “I don’t want him to think that I’ve forgotten about him.”

  Zack walked over and wrapped his arms around me. “He would never think that. Besides”—he pointed to my leg—“you have that to remember him by now. He will always be a part of you. You can’t let your grief consume you, Lexi. You have to live. If not for yourself, then for him.”

  I hugged him back for a moment before he released me. “Thank you, Zack. I’m so sorry about your girlfriend.”

  He gave me a weak smile. “Sarah was my first love. I’ll never forget her, but I’ve moved on. I had to, or I would have lost who I was.”

  I nodded as I reached into my purse and pulled out the debit card my mom had given me for emergencies. “I’m glad. Here’s my card. I don’t want to keep you any longer. I know it’s late.”

  “It’s fine. Seriously. I would have stayed until tomorrow morning if it meant that you got your tattoo.” He took my card and walked to the desk to run it through. Once he finished, he covered my tattoo and gave me the aftercare instruction sheet. He hugged me one more time before I left. “If you need to talk, you know where to find me.”

  “Thank you.” I waved good-bye and walked to my car. It was almost midnight, and the streets were deserted. I hurried across the lot, not wanting to tempt fate. As soon as I made it to my car, I unlocked it and jumped in. After locking the doors again, I stared out at the street across from me.

  My mind was trying to process what Zack had said. He’d lost his girlfriend just like I’d lost Joel, and he was okay. He’d survived the pain and the anger that came with death. I hoped that I could be as strong as him. I needed to be as strong as him. He had been right. I couldn’t let Joel’s death control me. I had to accept it and move on. There was no other choice.

  I glanced down at my leg and smiled for the first time since his death. I would always have him with me now. No matter where life took me, he’d be by my side. I let my tears fall without regret as I drove home. I was tired of holding them in. Maybe if I let them out, I’d let some of my pain escape as well.

  I wasn’t even close to healed, but this was a start. As I pulled into my driveway, I decided that I would survive.

  My mom was waiting for me when I walked through the front door. Instinct took over, and I prepared myself for the fight that I was sure was about to take place. We’d had it countless times when she caught me coming home late from Joel’s.

  Instead, she glanced at my leg before looking up at me with a small smile. “I see you made it home.”

  I nodded, still unsure of whether or not she was about to yell at me for being out late. “Yeah. Here are your keys.”

  She took her keys from me and hung them by the door. “Can I see it?”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Can I see your tattoo?”

  “Oh! Sure,” I said, surprised that she would care enough to ask to see it.

  I walked to the couch and sat down before slowly peeling off the bandage. She sat down next to me and stared at my leg as the tattoo came into view.

  I stayed silent as she looked it over.

  Finally, she glanced up at me. “Will this help you heal?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, it will.”

  “Then, I’m glad that you got it. It’s beautiful, Alexandria.”

  “Thanks.” I couldn’t hide the surprise in my voice.

  “Listen, I know that we don’t always see eye to eye on things, but I want you to know that I love you, and I’m very proud of you. It kills me to see you suffering like this. I just want you to be happy. Tell me what I can do to help you, and I will.”

  I stared at her, unsure of what to say. Her words shocked me. I’d spent the last couple of years assuming that she hated me. Apparently, I had been wrong.

  I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her. “There’s nothing you can do to help me. I just need time. I have to let him go, but I can’t do it until I’m ready.”

  “I understand, and I want you to know that I’m here for whatever you need.”

  “Thanks, Mom. That means a lot to me,” I whispered as I released her and stood up. “I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed.”

  “Night, baby,” she said as I walked to the stairs and started climbing. “And Alexandria?”

  I stopped and glanced back at her. “Yeah?”

  “Will you promise me that when you’re ready, you’ll go back to school?”

  I hesitated for a second, but I finally nodded. “I promise. Just give me time.”

  When I woke up the next morning, I felt surprised. Lately, my dreams had been plagued with memories of my past with Joel, but I couldn’t remember having a single dream during the night before. I guessed I really was making progress.

  After a quick shower, I returned to my room and grabbed my brush o
ff the dresser. I brushed the tangles from my hair, noticing just how bad my blonde roots were showing compared to the black dye still in my hair. I could either dye my hair black again, or I could change it. I stared at my reflection for a few more seconds before coming to a decision.

  With everything happening in my life, I decided that it was time for a change. I threw my brush down and walked downstairs. My mom was in the living room when I came down the stairs.

  “Good morning,” she said, smiling from ear to ear.

  I knew it was because I was downstairs instead of hiding in my room like I’d usually done.

  “Morning. Is it okay if I use your car again?” I asked as I walked toward the door.

  “Sure. Where are you going?”

  I grabbed her keys and glanced back at her as I opened the front door. “I’m going blonde again.”

  The trip to the local beauty supply shop was uneventful. I made sure to grab everything I needed to change my hair again. It would take me a couple of hours to do it, and the distraction would be exactly what I needed. If I were busy, I wouldn’t think about anything else.

  As soon as I made it home, I walked back upstairs to the bathroom. After parting my hair several times, I applied the bleach and developer that would lighten my hair. Once I was finished, I put my processing cap on and set my timer. After almost thirty minutes, I was satisfied that my hair was light enough. I’d changed my hair so many times that I was a professional by now. I rinsed my hair and applied a conditioner.

  After I rinsed it out, I pulled the hair dye from the bag. I’d hunted until I found a shade that was close to my natural color. After applying it, I waited again for it to dye my hair. I rinsed it fifteen minutes later and washed my hair. I refused to look in the mirror until I finished drying my hair. I tried to calm myself as I shut the dryer off.

  My eyes darted to the mirror, and I froze in shock. Looking at myself with blonde hair was like looking into the past. I hadn’t been blonde since right after Joel and I got together. I was still me but softer. It was the change that I needed. Dyeing my hair wasn’t just about vanity right now. It was so much deeper than that. I was letting go of the person I’d become and trying to find the new me.

  I wasn’t sure who the new me was exactly, but she was a mix of the old me and the version I’d become while I was with Joel. I still had my piercings and tattoos, reminding me that I could never really go back, no matter how badly I wanted to.

  When I walked back downstairs, my mother’s mouth dropped open.

  “My God, Alexandria. I barely recognize you.”

  I gave her a weak smile. “It’s…different. I know.”

  “You look beautiful,” she said, her smile genuine.

  “Thank you,” I said quietly as we stared at each other.

  The phone rang, causing both of us to jump. My mother walked over to where the phone was sitting.

  After glancing at the caller ID, she looked up at me. “It’s Landon.” Without giving me time to process that, she answered the phone. “Hello, Landon.”

  I watched as she talked with him.

  “Yeah, she’s here. Hang on a second.”

  Horror filled me as she walked across the room and handed the phone to me.

  “It’s for you.”

  “I-I can’t,” I stuttered, trying to stay calm. I wasn’t ready to face Landon—not yet.

  She hesitated for a second before putting the phone back to her ear. “She can’t talk right now, Landon, but she will soon. I promise.”

  I closed my eyes as I listened to her say good-bye.

  I couldn’t handle talking to him right now. I still had so much going on inside of my head, and I needed to sort through it before I talked to him again. I knew it wasn’t right to ignore him, but it was the best thing for both of us. Once I could accept Joel’s death, I would call Landon and apologize for what I’d done to him.

  No matter how much I missed Landon, I knew that there was no future for us. My memories of him were too tainted with Joel’s presence. It wasn’t fair to either of us to try to save something that couldn’t be salvaged. He would move on once I explained that to him, but he would have to wait for my explanation. Maybe he’d save us both some time and move on before I called him.

  The next two weeks seemed to move at warp speed. Now that I was learning to function again, it seemed like the world was determined to move faster than ever—or maybe it was just me. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that someone I loved had died, and the world didn’t change at all. If I had expected it to stop, I was sadly mistaken.

  I’d visited with Riley a few times. He’d seemed to be holding up, and I could tell that he was pleased with the fact that I was trying to accept that Joel was gone. We’d even driven to the cemetery one day, but I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. When I was ready to see Joel again, I wanted to do it on my own.

  Music was the first thing that I let back into my life. I’d always felt connected to the music that I loved, and now was no different. It was my own special kind of therapy. Music was honest, and it was brutal. The lyrics could make me feel things that I never thought I could. As I listened to Smile Empty Soul’s “Mechanical Rationality,” I realized that it was perfect for my life right now. I closed my eyes and let the lyrics take over.

  Can I keep it together

  Under stress and whatever

  Try and pinpoint my problems

  But I can never solve them

  So I fall into pieces

  But nothing releases

  And the cycle starts over

  While the days get shorter

  Push away I’m trying

  To separate my findings

  And be OK, remind me

  That nothing good can come from all this hate

  That floods my heart

  With endless rain

  Can anyone save me now

  There’s still a heartbeat

  Somewhere in me

  There’s still a heart to find and bring to life

  What to do in the meantime

  Steady walking a straight line

  Till my vision gets blurry

  And my head is full of worry

  So I fall into pieces

  But nothing releases

  And the cycle starts over

  While the days get colder

  I opened my eyes to see my mom watching me from the doorway of my bedroom. I pulled my headphones out of my ears when I saw her lips start moving.

  “Sorry. What?” I asked.

  She smiled. “I said, I never thought I’d see you listening to music again.”

  “Oh. I guess I just missed listening to it.”

  “I can see you slowly coming back, Alexandria. I was so scared that I was going to lose you.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

  “It’s not your fault. Death is never easy to deal with. I…I know how much you loved Joel. I can’t imagine the pain you feel.”

  “It took over. It still does a lot, but I’m trying to move forward. I’m trying to let him go.”

  “I know, honey. And you will.” She seemed to think on her next words before she spoke. “I think that you should call Landon.”

  My chest tightened at the sound of his name. “I can’t.”

  “Why not? He’s worried about you. I don’t say this to be mean, but you’re hurting him. That’s not fair to him.”

  “And if I call him, then what? I would tell him the same thing that I told him the day I left Gram’s. I don’t want him here. He doesn’t belong in my life.”

  “Why on earth do you think that?” she asked incredulously.

  “Because he doesn’t. What I feel for him doesn’t matter anymore. I cared about him when I should have cared about Joel. Everything we had is tainted.”

  “Oh, honey, it’s not tainted. You can’t help that you started to care for Landon. Sometimes, you can’t control what you feel.”

  “I fell
in love with him,” I whispered, finally admitting the truth.

  While it terrified me to say the words out loud, it also felt good to tell someone. I knew that a lot of my guilt came from loving Landon when I should have been focusing on working things out with Joel.

  “I never meant for it to happen. It just did.” I felt my throat closing off from emotion as I spoke.

  “Like I said, you can’t control how you feel. From what Gram has told me and from the conversations that I’ve had with him over the phone, I can tell that he really cares about you, too. What Joel did to you was wrong. You had every right to ignore him. He broke your heart.”

  “He did,” I said.

  “And you’ll never really be able to get over him until you finally admit to yourself that you did nothing wrong. Even Joel knew what he had done was wrong. He wouldn’t want you to feel all this pain. You only live once, Alexandria. Make the best of it.”

  I let her words sink in. She was certainly right about only living once. Joel’s death was proof that you never knew when your last moment would be. It could be today, tomorrow, or years from now.

  I looked up at her. “Can I use your car?”

  I had no idea what I was doing here. I shouldn’t be here. It hurt too much. I stared out the window of my mom’s car at the graves surrounding me. I was surrounded by so much death. I didn’t want to be here, yet I was. I needed to do this, or I’d never be able to move on with my life.

  I opened the car door and stepped out. Despite the sun shining above, the day was cold. I pulled my jacket tighter around me as I started walking past the headstones of the deceased. When Joel’s stone came into view, I stopped. It took every ounce of willpower that I possessed not to turn around and run back to my car. I took a deep breath and continued walking until I was standing in front of his grave.

  It was late fall, so no grass was growing from the freshly dug grave. With the exception of the now dead flowers on top of the dirt, it looked like he’d just been buried. If I closed my eyes, I could pretend that I hadn’t just wasted almost two months of my life trying to remember how to breathe again.

  Two months. It really didn’t seem like he’d been gone that long. Then again, it felt like an eternity. The world wasn’t as bright without Joel in it.