Breaking Alexandria

by K. A. Robinson

  “Hi,” I mumbled as I sat down on the cold ground next to his stone. I snorted. “What a fucking stupid thing to say. It’s not like you can say it back.”

  I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head against them. Now that I was here, I had no idea what to do. I had assumed that if I came here, somehow, the fog of despair that had been surrounding me for the last two months would disappear. How wrong I had been. It circled me now, trying to push its way into my defenses. I concentrated on breathing as I forced it back.

  “I have no idea what to say here, Joel. I’m so lost, and I feel so alone without you. I can’t believe that you left me. How could you? How could you do this to me?” I shrieked.

  The wind was blowing harder now, drowning out my cries of despair. I wished that the wind would just carry me away from here. I wished that it could take me back in time.

  “You should have told me what you were trying to do, Joel. I would have helped you. Riley would have, too. You were too damn stubborn and proud to tell us, to ask us for help, and now, we’re left with nothing. Nothing! A piece of me died with you, and now, I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t even know if I want it back anymore.”

  I stopped talking as tears poured from my eyes. It hurt so damn bad to say all of this to him.

  “I know that you’re gone, but I hope you can hear me. I hope you know that I loved you. I gave you every part of me. You’re gone now, and I’m not whole anymore. I just…I miss you.” I wiped my tears away before continuing, “Guilt and pain are eating me up inside. I feel so guilty for leaving you instead of giving you a chance to make things right with me. Instead, I turned to Landon. I let him in, and now, I love both of you. I’m so fucked-up inside, Joel. You’ve ruined me.”

  I stared at his name carved into the stone. It felt wrong to see it there.

  “I feel like I’m living in a dream. I’ll wake up one day, and you’ll be with me again, laughing and making inappropriate jokes.” I laughed. “You used to embarrass me so bad when we first started dating. I never knew what was going to come out of that mouth of yours. I would give anything to hear your voice just one more time. I’d even let you embarrass me if it meant that you were here with me again.”

  I stopped talking after that, lost in my memories of happier times with Joel. We’d always had so much fun together. The nights we’d spent together, just the two of us, were my favorite. I would see a softer side, a more caring side to Joel.

  I wasn’t sure how long I sat there before Landon’s face flashed before my eyes. I thought of the way he’d smiled when I said something sarcastic, the way he’d smelled, how it’d felt when he wrapped his arms around me.

  “I have to let go of both of you, don’t I? That’s the only way that I’ll truly heal after everything that has happened. I can’t let my emotions and my memories control me. I have to let go of it all and start over. If I don’t, I’ll drive myself mad.”

  I looked around to see that dusk was starting to settle in around me. I stood and looked down at Joel’s grave.

  “I want you to know that I will always love you, but I’m letting go of you. I forgive you for everything.” I kissed my fingers before pressing them up against the cold stone. “Good-bye.”

  As I turned and walked back to my car, I let him go. I’d said good-bye. Starting now, I was going to move on.

  I still had one more person to say good-bye to though, and I knew he wouldn’t be as silent as Joel had been.

  I should have called Landon. I knew that, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I took the coward’s way out.

  As soon as I made it home, I walked up to my room and grabbed a notebook and pen. I dropped down onto my bed and opened the notebook to a blank page. My brain shut off, and I wrote what I felt.

  Landon,

  I’m sorry that I’m doing this via letter, but I couldn’t bring myself to call you. Hearing your voice would have been too much for me to bear. I’m sure you realize that I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. Joel’s death destroyed me. I’ve spent the last two months regretting everything that happened this summer, including you.

  What I felt for you was wrong. From the beginning, I knew something about you would draw me in. Instead of running away like I should have, I gravitated toward you. Even before Joel cheated on me, I couldn’t help but want to be around you. I ignored my feelings though—until everything went to hell.

  You helped me through a lot, and I’ll be forever grateful to you for your friendship. You made me feel alive when I thought that I was dead. You made me love you. I’m sorry that I fell in love with you. That was never my intention.

  You’re one of the kindest people that I’ve ever met. You’re a good person, Landon. You deserve a lot better than me. You always have. So, I’m letting you go. You and I are from two completely different worlds. We both knew it, but we ignored it.

  I’ve felt so much guilt over both you and Joel. It nearly killed me. I can’t live like that anymore. I have to protect myself. I have to heal. You will always hold a special place in my heart, but there is nothing left between us.

  I ask that you please stop trying to contact me. I have to move on, and I can’t do that with you constantly calling me. I just want to be whole again, and I will be. It might not be today or next week, but one day, I’ll be Alexandria again.

  I’ll never forget you.

  Your friend,

  City

  I stood and grabbed an envelope off my desk. I shoved the letter in and sealed it, refusing to let myself think about what I’d written down until it was in the mail. I addressed it and put a stamp on it before walking downstairs and out the front door. After putting it in our mailbox, I walked back up to my room and crashed down on my bed.

  Tears sprang to my eyes, and I let myself truly mourn the loss of Landon for the first time. I didn’t want to feel the loss of him, but I did. It didn’t matter. I’d just told him that I loved him, but I didn’t want anything to do with him, so he would have to leave me alone. I knew I had been cruel in the letter, but I had to be. If I weren’t, he would never give up on us. He had to let me go. He had to move on.

  I was broken, a shell of a girl. He deserved better than that. He deserved someone who could look at him and not think of her ex. He deserved someone who could give one hundred percent of herself to him. I wouldn’t bring him down with me.

  The next morning, I walked into the kitchen to see my mom sitting at the table.

  “Good morning, Alexandria.” She smiled at me.

  “I want to go back to school,” I blurted out before I lost my nerve or changed my mind.

  I knew school was going to be different now, but I needed the distraction. I needed to get back into the real world and start living again.

  My mother nearly choked on the sip of coffee she’d just taken. After she stopped coughing, she asked, “Are you sure you’re ready?”

  “No, I’m not, but I never will be. I have to start living again.”

  She studied me for a minute before nodding. “I’ll call the school today.”

  “Thank you,” I said as I turned to walk back up to my room.

  “Alexandria?”

  I turned to look at her.

  “I talked to your father this morning. He’ll be home later this week.”

  A genuine smile spread across my face. “Good. I’ve missed him.”

  My dad traveled a lot for his job, but this time had been the longest that he was away from us. I missed him so much, but I’d been so overwhelmed with grief that I hadn’t been able to bring myself to talk to him when he called.

  I spent the rest of my morning lying in bed, listening to Korn’s album, The Paradigm Shift. I had it on repeat for the third time when my mom walked into my room. She didn’t look happy.

  “Get dressed,” she said.

  I raised an eyebrow. “Why? What’s going on?”

  “We’re going to pay your principal a little visit. It seems that he’s not
thrilled about you wanting to reenroll.”

  Oh shit. “Give me ten, and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

  She nodded and left. I stood and pulled the baggy shirt I used for a sleep shirt over my head. I dug through my closet, trying to find something presentable. I didn’t want to piss him off by wearing my usual outfits. I finally settled on a pair of jeans that had minimal holes and a plain black T-shirt. I pulled my hair back into a sleek ponytail and headed downstairs. My mom was waiting for me when I reached the bottom of the stairs.

  She didn’t say a word as she opened the front door and walked out. I followed behind her. I could practically see the anger radiating off of her. I hadn’t seen her this mad since…well, since she caught me selling drugs.

  The ride to my school was completely silent. Honestly, I felt sorry for my principal. He wouldn’t stand a chance against her. I’d been the focus of her wrath more than once, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

  We pulled into a space marked for visitors and stepped out of the car. She marched up to the door and pushed the button, alerting the office that someone wanted in. After a short conversation with the secretary, I heard the door unlock. My mother threw it open and stormed though. The office was down the first hallway we came to. I’d been there enough times to know the layout. We walked into the reception area and stood at the counter.

  The secretary walked up and smiled at my mother. Her smile slipped a little when she noticed me standing behind her. “Can I help you?”

  “I need to speak with Principal Groves,” my mother stated.

  “Sure. I’ll let him know you’re here.” She turned and walked to the principal’s door. After knocking, she stepped inside and closed the door behind her.

  My mother’s foot tapped impatiently as we waited for the secretary to reemerge.

  Finally, a few minutes later, she did. She smiled sweetly as she walked up to us. I’d seen that smile a thousand times. It was as fake as a porn star’s boobs.

  “I’m sorry, but Principal Groves is getting ready to go into a phone conference. It will last a while.”

  “We’ll wait,” my mother said.

  The secretary’s smile slipped for a fraction of a second. “I’ll let him know.”

  Over an hour later, Principal Groves finally walked out of his office.

  Out of habit, I groaned. Every single time I had come into contact with this man, things had ended badly for me. Usually, I had been kicked out of school for a week or two.

  He glanced at me once before stopping in front of my mother. “Please follow me.”

  We stood and followed him into his office.

  He shut the door and took a seat behind his desk. “What can I help you two with?”

  “I spoke to you this morning about my daughter. She wants to reenroll.”

  “I thought we had come to an understanding this morning, Mrs. Carter. We are already two months into the school year. It would be impossible for Alexandria to make up for all the lost time. Her best option is to get a GED.”

  “I can catch up,” I said before my mother could speak.

  He eyed me with disdain. I knew that look on him well. He’d given it to me several times over the past three years.

  “You would have to come in early and stay for hours after school.”

  “That won’t be a problem,” my mother said calmly.

  He sighed as he glanced back and forth between the two of us. “I’m going to be blunt here, Mrs. Carter. Alexandria doesn’t have the best track record around here. Truthfully, I think I’ve seen her more than I see my own kids. Her grades are dismal at best, and the fights…I can’t risk my students.”

  “So, basically, you’re denying my daughter an education.”

  “Not at all. I suggested that she get a GED.”

  “I understand that she doesn’t have the best transcript or track record, but things have changed for her. She’s had a lot to deal with over the past few months, but she’s doing better.”

  “With all due respect—” Principal Groves started.

  My mother cut him off. “My daughter’s boyfriend was killed while assisting the police. She’s been through hell and back. Now that she’s trying to get her life back together, you refuse to cooperate.” She paused for a moment, preparing herself for what was to come next. “I wonder how the press and local community would feel about you trying to deny her a public education—something every child has a right to by law, mind you—after she’s suffered so much.”

  The threat was clear. I almost smiled at the look of shock on the principal’s face. Mom had balls—I’d give her that.

  “I…” Principal Groves started, but snapped his mouth shut.

  “I’m sure that we can come to some kind of agreement. I’d hate to have to take this to the press and the board of education.”

  “That won’t be necessary,” he finally said. “I’m sure that we can work something out.”

  “I’m glad to hear it,” my mother replied, her voice like ice.

  I stared at myself in the mirror. I still wasn’t used to having blonde hair again. I tried to smile at myself but failed. It looked more like a grimace than anything else. I sighed as I turned away from the mirror and walked to my bed where my bag was sitting.

  After my mother had threatened Principal Groves, he’d finally given in and said I could come back to school—after making it clear that I would be expelled if I ended up in another fight, of course. My mother had assured him that fighting wouldn’t be an issue, but I wasn’t so sure. I had several enemies at school, and without the threat of Joel, I knew some of them would be brave enough to face me. I knew I would win, but the fact that I would get kicked out of school was now looming over me. I didn’t want to disappoint my mom. I just wanted to go to school and hope that life would slowly start getting back to normal.

  I grabbed my bag and walked downstairs. My mom tossed me her keys as soon as I walked into the kitchen. I raised an eyebrow at her questioningly.

  “You don’t need me to drive you to school anymore. I’m sure you can handle driving yourself to school and back,” she said.

  “Uh…thanks, I guess. I’ll see you later.”

  I turned and started walking to the door, but she called out to me.

  “Alexandria? If things get too hard, call me. I know how hard you’re trying, but don’t expect things to magically go back to normal overnight.”

  “I will.” I walked out the door and down the driveway to where my mom’s car was parked.

  I kept my mind blank as I drove to school. I didn’t know how today would go. Hopefully, everyone would leave me alone, and I’d be fine. I knew, more than likely, that wouldn’t happen, but I could hope. Now that Joel was gone, I had no one to lean on. I hadn’t had friends of my own for a long time, and I didn’t expect them to suddenly appear before me.

  The minute I walked through the doors of the school, the commons area went silent. I glanced up once to see that everyone was staring at me. I stared down at the floor in front of me as I made my way to the office, pretending that silence didn’t follow me.

  The secretary had been expecting me, and she handed me a schedule the minute I walked into the office. “You need to see the counselor before you go to your first class,” she said, her voice like ice. The fake smile from yesterday was nowhere to be seen.

  I turned and walked out of the office and down the hall to where the counselor’s office was. The door was open, and the counselor, Mrs. Pillo, looked up when I stepped inside.

  “Hello, Alexandria. Principal Groves said you’d be stopping by this morning. Go ahead and have a seat.”

  I dropped my bag in front of the chair before sitting down.

  “Principal Groves told me that you’re reenrolling in school. I’m very happy to hear that,” she said as she smiled at me.

  “Yeah, me, too.”

  She ignored the dead tone in my voice as she continued, “You’ve been away for two months, so obviously, you hav
e a lot of work to catch up on. I’ve talked with your teachers, and they are more than willing to work with you, so you can catch up by the end of the semester.”

  “Great,” I mumbled.

  Now that I was here, I wished I were anyplace else. Coming here is a mistake.

  No. I closed my eyes for a second, fighting for control over my emotions. Coming back is the right thing to do. It was what I needed to jump start my life back into reality.

  “They have agreed to work with you in the mornings and evenings as long as you show that you’re serious about getting caught up.”

  “I am.” I looked up to see her studying me carefully.

  “Good. You’ll start tomorrow with your extra lessons. Be here at seven. You’ll leave school at five.”

  I nodded and stood, hearing the dismissal in her voice. “Thanks.”

  I turned and walked back out into the hallway just as the bell rang. I looked down at my schedule for the first time and frowned. It was brutal. I had math first followed by chemistry. After that was my one and only art class followed by lunch, then history, English, and gym. At least I would excel at gym after my summer at the farm. Working every day with Landon had strengthened my body. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to forget Landon. I didn’t need to think about him here.

  Silence surrounded me as I walked to my locker and threw my bag inside. I grabbed a binder and my notebook out of it before heading to my first class. I glanced around the hallway as I walked, looking for familiar faces. I saw none, friend or foe. As soon as I’d walked in, I’d honestly expected to get jumped by one of the girls who hated me, but so far, no one had dared approach me. Maybe my badass reputation would protect me, even without Joel.

  I made it to my first class without any problems. My teacher, Mrs. Adkins, frowned when she saw me walking up to her desk. I ignored it as I handed her my schedule.

  “Welcome back, Alexandria. I hope that we won’t have any problems this year,” she said as she stared at me.