Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.
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“Sure,” replied Grimbledung, “at a measly two coppers each. You’d have to sell ...”
“On average, ten a day” Drimblerod interrupted, “day in and day out. And that’s just that one wand type.”
Grimbledung blinked at Drimblerod. Mentally he made some calculations, using his toes pressing on the floor to help him out. The shop brought in more in a week that he did in a month. “That’s impressive, but there’s one thing I don’t understand ...” He was interrupted by what sounded like a peal of thunder from the backroom.
“Just a moment,” said Drimblerod as he quickly stepped through the curtain. Grimbledung followed close behind. They were greeted by the dummy lying flat on its back, holding a wand as far from it as possible in its mitten hand. It seemed stunned. Drimblerod took the wand and carefully laid it aside.
“Dummy, can you hear me?” Drimblerod asked, worry in his voice. “What happened?” He asked as he put the dummy back on its base.
“That thing can speak?” Grimbledung asked. He had seen Mechanimator magic in action before- usually as novelty coat or hat racks, or cooking utensils. He had never heard one speak more than a simple spiel, and that was a wine cask Matre'D who gave the current wine list at the Sliced Unicorn Restaurant and Ice Cream Parlour7.
“No, I made that mistake once. My stupid brooms argued day and night ‘dust, dirt, or mud- which was worse’. It was the longest week of my life” Drimblerod looked up at the dummy. “What happened?”
The dummy pantomimed selecting a wand and waving it at the Abyssmal Box.
“Right, so far so good,” coaxed Drimblerod.
The dummy then flailed his arms around, almost falling to the ground again.
Drimblerod steadied the dummy. “Okay, okay. A really powerful wand. We’ll make a special copper-lined container for them. Maybe we need to screw you down to this crate.”
He was answered with more flailing from the dummy.
“How about some straps until we find a better solution? I think I have a pair of Ogre suspenders around here someplace.”
The dummy nodded.
“Let’s stop until I can scrounge up some cans.”
“So, what happened to the employees?” Grimbledung asked.
Drimblerod had been preparing for this question since he had Mechanimated the dueling dummy. He suppressed a smile at his cleverness. “I’m glad you asked, Grimbledung. I’m glad you asked. You see, in order to maximize profits, I felt we needed to liquidate certain non-depreciating assets of the business. By using this cost-free tester, which took days to locate, I have to tell you, I believe we will both experience an elevated through-put of currency.”
“But we only met earlier today.” Said Grimbledung, “How could you have been looking for an alternative for days?”
Rolton chips, thought Drimblerod, great heaping piles of steaming Rolton chips. “I fired them” confessed Drimblerod, “They wanted a raise. The dummy was a temporary solution that I ...”
He was interrupted by frantic flailing by the dummy.
“... that I think may be more of a permanent solution of the problem.”
The dummy wiped non-existent sweat from its blank, flour sack head and began to shake both the Gnomes’ hands.
“Let’s go back out front so we can talk privately.”
The dummy saluted the two until they left.
“So you were confused about something?”
“Yes” began Grimbledung, “the wand business I get- you have a nice operation going here. But what’s a Psychotic Reading?”
“That’s the Hook.”
“The Hook?” Asked Grimbledung.
“Yes, you know- something to pull people into the shop so they’ll buy something else.”
“I know what a Hook is” said Grimbledung testily, “I do have my own business you know.”
“Well, the way this Hook works is that after they come in and I explain a Psychotic Reading to them, they usually decline, but by then, I have them in the shop where I have a chance of making a wand sale.”
“That sounds like a Bait and Switch. What’s the constable think of that?” He shuddered at the thought of the town’s Constable.
“No, no. If they want a Psychotic Reading, I give it to them,” assured Drimblerod, “it’s all above the board.”
“OK, I’ll bite,” said Grimbledung as he sat on a stool.