Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

Chapter Seven

  Wherein Grimbledung receives His

  First (and Last) Psychotic Reading

  “What’s a Psychotic Reading?”

  “Why, I’m glad you asked.” Said Drimblerod as he switched into his well- rehearsed pitch, “A Psychotic Reading, my valued customer, is a completely revolutionary art I have developed wherein I tap into the Chaotic Ether of the universe to attempt to determine the success ... or failure of your immediate endeavors.” He smiled at Grimbledung. The hook was being dangled.

  “I’d be interested in knowing that, to be honest,” Grimbledung moved forward on the stool.

  There was the nibble.

  “But,” continued Drimblerod, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial tone, “I must warn you- there are dire consequences if the Chaotic Ether does not cooperate. It is, shall I say, unpredictable.” As if on cue (which it may have been), it began to rain. Big heavy drops spattered against the large window as Grimbledung moved back to the center of his stool. “For a mere copper coin, I can begin the reading. After I start, a silver will keep the connection open” he eyed Grimbledung, “for a short period.”

  Grimbledung raised an eyebrow. He dug into his pocket and pulled a copper and a silver coin from a hidden slit. He dropped them both on the counter. Before they even stopped rattling, Drimblerod had covered them with a black silk cloth and covered that with a massive egg-shaped loadstone. It sparkled and emitted sporadic green Ethereal wisps. The hook was set.

  “The Chaotic Ether answers!” Drimblerod hissed. He peered intently into the stone. “I see your death. It is far out on the horizon, true, but it is there.”

  “Well, that’s not too mysterious; most everyone dies at one point.”

  Drimblerod nodded. “Yes, yes.” He grabbed a green wisp and tugged on it. “I see pain and suffering. Crushed by a heavy stone maybe? A round stone? A Gastrolith possibly. Yes. Definitely possibly... In the belly of a Dragon? ... Gruesome indeed.”

  Grimbledung moved back on the stool, “What? Eaten alive?” His face paled.

  “Perhaps,” continued Drimblerod. He peered at the wisp. “You may already be dead at that point. Hit on the head?” Drimblerod looked up at Grimbledung and locked eyes with him, “By someone you recently met.” He let go of the wisp and it curled about and seemed to move towards Grimbledung.

  Grimbledung avoided it.

  “It seems,” Drimblerod continued as he looked back down, “it may be a Halfling or perhaps a Gnome that does you in. Are there any Halflings or Gnomes that you have recently met in the near future close to the present, per chance?” He asked without looking up.

  “Yes, several of each,” said Grimbledung. The front two legs of his stool were now lifted off the floor. “Including you, of course.”

  “Yes, yes. I see that clearly now. There is a failure of a business transaction that causes the stalking. How unfortunate. That involved an event which, according to local law enforcement reports, led to ... the incident...”

  “What incident?”

  “... that causes your demise. It’s gruesome the Chaotic Ether suggests.”

  “You’ve said that already!” the legs of Grimbledung’s stool moved farther from the floor.

  “It seems that the Chaotic Ether has gotten upset.” Drimblerod pulled a tendril up to his ear and went stiff. The tendril turned purple as it entered his ear. “Yes... Maybe... I don’t know.” Drimblerod looked up at Grimbledung with unfocusing eyes and narrowed them, “Probably.”

  “Probably what?”

  “No. I think I could.” Drimblerod chuckled. “No, I don’t think they would figure it out.”

  Grimbledung stood on the rails of his stool. It clattered back onto all four legs. “Who wouldn’t figure what out?”

  The tendril turned blood red. “I understand... I can do that.” Drimblerod’s voice dropped to a whisper. An evil one... “I must obey.”

  “Now just a minute, Drimblerod! I’ve had quite enough of this!” Grimbledung complained.

  Drimblerod pulled the tendril from his ear and it switched from red to purple then back to green. He visibly relaxed. “My oh me! That was exciting, wasn’t it?” Drimblerod said innocently. “Do you want to pay another silver to hear more?”

  “No, I won’t pay another coin. I’ve had all I want to hear from this Chaotic Ether or whatever it is. And you’re... you’re...”

  “Psychotic?” Suggested Drimblerod.

  “Yes, completely...” Grimbledung sat back on the stool, glowering at Drimblerod. Realization crept across his face. He narrowed his eyes at Drimblerod, “Saaaay, how long can you keep that up?”

  “Till either your pockets or courage run dry.” Drimblerod opened his eyes wide, “Wait, just what did I say to you?” He oozed innocence. Or at least plausible deniability. “Can I interest you in a reasonably priced wand loaded with an array of defensive spells?” He offered nonchalantly.

  “Nice pitch, Drim. You can stop it now.” Grimbledung said as he leaned forward on the counter. “I don’t see as how that’s legal. That whole pitch just reeks of blackmail and murder. What if someone goes to the authorities? The last thing we need is the Constable on the payroll.” He shivered at the thought.

  “Blackmail? Murder? Why, I’m dashed! You see the problem is the law, or rather Lawmakers themselves. They are completely out of touch with everyday life and the local populace.”

  “Well, wouldn’t you be if you had the means?” Asked Grimbledung.

  “Of course- who actually chooses to hang around with common folk?” Drimblerod stuck out his tongue. “Ilk, really.” He tried to think of a better word; none came to mind. “Yes, we’re definitely ilk. Now as I was saying, Lawmakers are out of touch with common people and that always causes loopholes in their laws because they don’t realize how conniving we ilk really are.”

  “What’s the loophole?”

  “There’s a sign out front that advertises the service of Psychotic Readings.”

  “I suppose,” agreed Grimbledung.

  “I tell the people that it will be dark and most likely foreboding”

  “Yes, I heard that part myself in fact.”

  “And I explain the fees upfront.”

  “Again, true.”

  “I never guarantee success or accuracy. This isn’t thievery on my part; it’s a very poor business decision on their part.” He waved his hand dismissively, “People are free to make bad business decisions all day long!”

  Grimbledung pondered the situation for a long moment. “Genius! Sheer genius. How many readings do you actually end up doing in a week?”

  “Only one or two, but it’s pure profit. As I was telling my shiftless employees...”

  A thought came to Grimbledung, “Employees! My rat is still out front!” He got up and went to the door.