Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Wherein the Constable Arrives at the Shop

  “They dead?” growled Akita. He was taking a nap in the sun when some fidgety Gnome had awoken him. This, he did not like. If people got in the habit of waking him up from naps to deal with legal issues, he would actually have to start earning his more than adequate Constable’s Salary. He was up for a longevity raise- Township Service Step 10- next month but that didn’t mean he wanted to work harder for it. That was clearly laid out in the Government Workers Guild (Local 414) bylaws; Section 4.3(b)1: ‘No additional work shall be expected in return for annual longevity raises.’ Akita didn’t make the rules but he (mostly) followed them, especially when they benefited him so well.

  Grimbledung hopped around Drimblerod to put the counter between him and Akita. “Yes, Mister Constable Akita,” he said. “They’re alive. I wasn’t lying to you!”

  Akita growled at him and turned to the other Gnome, who he was satisfied to see, seemed just as nervous. Nervous townsfolk tended to bother him less than friendly cheerful ones who would pop in for a chat. Although, he mused, he did appreciate the occasional mincemeat pie that was left at the Constabulary anonymously.

  “These two tried to rob us, Constable,” said Drimblerod, “and they robbed the store next door.”

  Akita looked down at the two humans. They were breathing. A growl started at the back of his throat. He didn’t stop it. “Whadda ya want me to do about it?”

  “Take them away?” Suggested Grimbledung. Akita turned to look at him again. His yellow eyes seemed to glow. Grimbledung ducked down to where his chin was resting on the counter, “Please?” He offered meekly. “And thank-you?”

  “Wherrredya want me to take them? The jail? Then I gotta watch them,” scowled Akita. He didn’t have to roll his ‘r’s but he enjoyed the reaction it got. “Howsabout you just turrrn ‘em into stools and you two can sit on them. Ya could use morrre stools in here.” It was a joke. Maybe these two Gnomes were the ones leaving the mincemeat pies. A joke might make another appear later in the day. Akita smiled what in he felt was the friendliest manner he knew to help the joke along. At least he considered it his friendly smile.

  Drimblerod gulped as the Constable bared his long fangs after suggesting the two thieves be Transmogrified into stools. From anyone else he would have considered that a joke. Now, it was more terrifying than funny. Drool hung off one side of Akita’s mouth. He seemed ready to devour any and all persons in the room.

  “Excuse me, Constable Akita,” said Nulu. “Should I go get the other shop keeper so you can have another witness to the crime?” Nulu finished as she moved to the door. “I can fetch him right now.” Nulu wanted nothing else than to be out of the same room as the Constable. The hairs on her back were standing straight out. Being a Trolless- there were a lot of them. Rumors were that Akita was not contagious but being a WereTrolless was something she did not even want to consider. “I’ll just be a jiffy,” she said as she exited the shop.

  On the street, she moved quickly to Pozzuoli’s Haberdashery. She steeled herself and entered. Pozzuoli turned when he heard the sounds of bells chiming (there was a Pixie on a string that the door yanked about vigorously as it opened).

  “Ohhh, hello Señora Nulu. What-a can I do for a-you?” He said hopefully. Nulu’s steady income from her Bar and Restaurant meant she was always good for some mid-quality, high-profit-margin sales.

  “I just need you to come next door, Mister Pozzuoli,” began Nulu. She knew that it would be difficult to leave without buying something from the Dwarf so she cut to the chase. “You were robbed by those two Humans, then they tried robbing Second Hand Sorcery and the boys caught them.”

  Pozzuoli’s eyes widened. “Robbed ME?” He shuddered with rage, “Let’s go!”

  “Great, great.” Nulu agreed. “We’ll get to the bottom of this now”. Without thinking she added, “Now the Constable will have to take them in.”

  Pozzuoli stopped in his tracks. “The Constabulatore, he is a-there?”

  “Yes, he’s there to take away the two thieves. You need to identify them and your stuff. That’s all. You don’t have to go down to the Constable’s Office,” she assured the Dwarf.

  ‘You a-sure?” He asked then caught himself. “Wait-a minute. What I am a-saying? These two robbed me! Let’s go!”

  Nulu quickly moved to the door before the Dwarf could change his mind. She opened it and stepped through. With only a moment’s hesitation, Pozzuoli followed, slamming the door behind him leaving the Pixie to jingle furiously at an empty store.

  The two entered the shop, Nulu first- much to her displeasure as she was planning a discrete getaway. “Here he is, Constable,” she said.

  Akita was holding Peachey upside down and shaking him violently. There was a growing pile of loot forming under him. Peachey groaned as he came-to. He grunted as he was shaken again. A Bulls-Eye lantern dropped to the floor.

  “Hey! That’s-a my lantern!” Said Pozzuoli. “What-a you do with my lantern?” He shook his finger at Peachey.

  Finally, no more items dropped from Peachey so Constable Akita let go of his feet. Peachey landed in a heap and quickly got to his feet. “What do you think you’re doi ...” He started to say until his eyes met Constable Akita’s. Peachey paled and sat down roughly. “Do I get a lawyer?” He asked meekly.

  Constable Akita glowered down at him. “Lawyer?” He snarled. “I hate them almost as much as I hate thieves.” He looked up at Nulu. “I say we just eat them. Which do you want?” Another joke. Maybe the Stumbling Drunk was the supplier of the pies. He was in rare form today. Akita licked his lips and tried another smile. “Ya?”

  Nulu shuddered at the rows of teeth that greeted her. Still, she pressed on, “You don’t scare me that much, Akita.” She narrowed her eyes at the snarling Werewolf. “I pay my taxes which pays your salary. That means you work for me and I say you deal with these two thieves.” She stopped because that was the limit of her courage with Akita.

  Akita looked down at Peachey who was now helping Danny into a seated position. “I ate a big breakfast. I don’t think I could eat both of them.” He was on a roll now, he thought. Someone would have to laugh soon. He ran his tongue around his mouth, over his nose, and then let it hang down the side of his jaw. “I suppose I could save one for dinner. Have that one with ice cream. Ala mode even.” He pointed at Peachey.

  “DON’T EAT US!” Pleaded Peachey. “Anything but that! I don’t want to become dog poop!”

  Constable Akita shook his head. It continued down his back and ended at the tip of his tail. He had gone to great pains to maintain a gruff image because it suited his work habits and lifestyle. Namely: the less work, the better for his lifestyle. To think that people actually believed he would eat them out of hand (so to speak) was appalling even to him. “I’m not going to eat you. You’d taste horrrrrible.” Not even a chuckle?