Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

Grimbledung could not help himself; he had been trying to contain it but finally was unable to; he let out a single chuckle: “Hah!” All eyes turned to him. Grimbledung’s eyes met Akita’s. The glowing yellow orbs seemed to have a glimmer. Whether it was mischief or hunger he was not sure. He smiled meekly in desperate hopes that it was the former. “Ala mode? Hah hah! Nicely done.” He offered.

  Finally! Akita grinned broadly at the odd Gnome cowering behind the counter.

  Grimbledung blanched at the Constable’s ominous maw. Rows of sharp, white teeth greeted him. It was like looking into the Nearly Bottomless Pit. Maybe it was the latter after all.

  Overcome by betrayal, Pozzuoli pushed past a distracted Constable Akita. “No, you don’ get to eat them. I got something better for them!” He held his hand out, palm flat facing down. With his other hand, he held his pointer finger against his downturned palm and twisted it around.

  “Yer gonna skewerrr them?” guessed Akita.

  “No” Pozzuoli shook his head. “This means under here it does not rain.”

  “Yerrrr gonna take ‘em down to the dunking stool?” Tried Akita again. He licked his mouth and let his tongue hang on the other side now. “Yeah, I’d watch that. Fun stuff the dunking stool.”

  “Not exactly, Constabulatore Akita. This means they will get theirs.” Pozzuoli narrowed his eyes and twisted his finger against his palm ominously. “You rob from ME? That a-big mistake. Pozzuoli you do not cross. It is Pozzuoli that crosses you!”

  “Yer gonna impale them?” Akita tried again. He was losing patience with the Dwarf. “Kinda gross but whatever yer gonna do, do it quick. I need to get back to my nap.”

  Pozzuoli faced the Constable. With his connections, not many intimidated him. Besides, Pozzuoli figured Akita had to know it was him that delivered the mincemeat pies. It wasn’t an official bribe; it was more of a bridge-building tactic. “No. That-a not it.” he explained, “Pozzuoli have a cousin who has a friend who know a guy who makes shoes.” He squinted at Peachey and Danny and pointed at each of them. “He gonna make shoes for you both!”

  “How is giving them shoes going to make them sorry they stole from you?” Asked Grimbledung as his chin rested on the counter. “They probably already stole shoes from you.”

  Pozzuoli shook his head. “Not-a shoes like this. Nice a-custom made shoes.” He glowered at the two men, “Of marble. We go down to the Salty River and a-try them out, S-okay?” He reached up and pulled down his lower eyelid with his finger. “You made a bad mistake thinking you a-cross Pozzuoli,” he said menacingly.

  Nulu stepped up beside the two men. “I have a better idea, if you’re willing to listen to it.”

  Pozzuoli and Akita looked at her expectantly.

  “I hear that they’re looking for conscripts up at Prost Garrison. There’s some sort of battle brewing. These two would be perfect conscripts.”

  Danny began to cry.

  “Just give us the shoes!” Wailed Peachey. “ANYTHING but the Army!”

  “I don’t want to be cannon fodder!” Sobbed Danny. “I don’t even know what a cannon is!”

  Constable Akita laughed heartily. To everyone else, he was snarling. The long length of drool that was hanging from his mouth finally broke free and dropped to the floor- much to everyone’s relief. “Grrreat idea, Nulu!” He growled. “You wanna carry them down to the rrrrecruitin’ station?” He asked hopefully.

  Nulu steeled herself and looked him in the eye. “Taxpaying bar owner” she said pointing at herself. “Tax receiving Constable” she said pointing at Constable Akita.

  “Yer alllrrright Nulu. Glad yerrr in town.” He looked at the two Humans. “On yer feet!” He growled. The two stumbled to their feet. “Yer gonna walk down to the rrrecruitin’ station and I’m gonna follow you.”

  The two Humans looked at each other. They both had the same thought at the same time.

  Constable Akita barked at the men and they jumped completely off the ground. “Don’t be thinkin’ you can run opposite ways and I can only catch one of you.” He stood upright and was, surprisingly, taller than both of them by a head. “Yer willin’ to take a fifty-fifty risk that you won’t be the one I’m chasin’?” He loomed over the top of them as he spoke. He bent his head down and sniffed Peachey then Danny’s hair deeply. “So here’s yer chances.” He returned to his typical crouched stance which put him about a head shorter than the two. Each was formidable in its own way. “One of you’s gonna die right away. Prolly less than twenty paces looking at the shape you two’rrrre in.” He licked his mouth again. Another tendril of drool formed on the side of his mouth. “The other I’ll track even across the Great Sandy Desert to finish off. Not that you’ll get that far. I don’t even give you to the edge of town. Once word got out ol’ Akita was lookin’ for you, there’s no one in town’ll help ya’.”

  He growled from the back of his throat.

  “They no get-a away from you, Constabulatore Akita,” started Pozzuoli as he moved to stand beside the Werewolf and faced the two condemned men. “But if-a they do, they no get away from the friends of Pozzuoli Consigliore. That I can a-guarantee.” Pozzuoli made a sneer that rivaled Akita’s. “I put-a out the word and someone will do a piece of work on them.”

  The two looked at each other again and began to weep anew.

  “It’s nuthin’ perrrsonal,” said Constable Akita as he got on all fours and moved behind the men, “I have a rrrreputation to maintain, you know. If word got out I’d gone soft and let you two get away, I’d be up to my haunches in work.” He nipped at the back of the leg of one of the men. “So get movin’!”

  “Thanks Constable Akita!” Said Grimbledung, still cowering behind the counter, and before he could stop himself, he added, “come back soon for a regular visit if you like. We can do lunch! ”

  The two humans moved to the door sullenly. “Do you forgive me for getting us caught and conscripted to the Army?” Asked Peachey

  “That I do,” replied Danny, “with no worries at all.”

  “Then we’ll be all right, you and I,” replied Peachey.

  “Shaddap you two!” Constable Akita barked, then he laughed. It still sounded like a snarl. “There’s no talkin’ in the rrranks!”

  The three moved out the door which opened and shut around them. None of them even gave the door a second look for doing it.

  “That Constable Akita isn’t that bad, I think,” said Grimbledung. He still had not moved from his position behind the counter. “I think maybe he’s just misunderstood. He’s got a good sense of humor. I think.”

  Drimblerod and Nulu gaped at him in silence.

  “You need help,” offered Rat.

  “Say” said Grimbledung, “that reminds me. What were you getting on about in the street, Nulu? You were saying something about Rat and you two trying to help? Help with what?” He quickly looked at Rat, who jumped as their eyes met.

  “What? Me?” Started Rat. Then a thought sprang into his mind. “It was Drimblerod!” He pointed at the other Gnome accusingly.

  “Me? It wasn’t me,” Drimblerod said quickly. “It was,” the thought hopped over into his mind. “Nulu!”

  All eyes turned to the Trolless. “I need to get back to minding my business” said Nulu as she quickly picked up her tray and moved surprisingly fast to the door.

  “Light of foot, are we?” Called Drimblerod at her back. He turned quickly and locked eyes with Rat. “Don’t you dare move!”

  “After all that tea and excitement? I need to go out back for a moment.” Rat scampered off the counter and under the curtain, speed belying his years.

  Drimblerod looked at his partner who was eyeing him expectedly. “Well” began Drimblerod slowly. “Well” he started again, “I guess it’s just the two of us that get to plan the Jamboree.”

  “The Jamboree!” Cheered Grimbledung as he hopped from foot to foot and began to sing

  People will come from far and wide!

  Brothers, Sisters, Husbands
and their Brides!

  Singing dancing, drinks a flowing!

  And maybe there’ll be a door prize or two –oooo?

  Yes, maybe there’ll be a door prize or two!

  “Better?”

  Drimblerod tilted his hand back and forth. “It’s not the worst I’ve heard. Now let’s talk Jamboree festivities.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Wherein the Magician’s Guild Visits Unexpectedly