Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

“Hey, I think we’re up to a dozen!” Said Grimbledung happily, “I really think we’ve got a good dozen adventurers signed up to gather wands for us.” He frowned. “How many’s a dozen again?”

  “It’s a few,” explained Drimblerod, “but there’s an old Human saying; ‘don’t count your chickens before they come home to roost’.”

  “What?”

  “The ‘Be Right Back Wagon’ hardly ever does come back. We need to see how many of those folks actually come back with a wand before we know if this scheme of yours is working.”

  “So we’re counting our Pixies before they flash.”

  “Yes,” said Drimblerod. “That makes more sense than what those Humans say.”

  “Well, while we’re waiting, what else you want to do to drum up business? Wanna hold another fake sale?”

  “Well, I’ve been thinking of taking a day to see Big Julie” said Drimblerod. “If we leave early in the morning we can be there by midday, and then be back by dark. We’d only have to be closed a day.”

  “I get to go too?” Asked Grimbledung excitedly.

  “We’re partners, right? You need to be involved in the operation of the shop, and that includes drumming up new customers.” Drimblerod had considered leaving Grimbledung alone in the shop for the day but only for a very short moment. Even with Nulu to keep an eye on him on and off throughout the day, the thought of him being in charge without any sort of continuous adult supervision still made him shudder. The incident with the two Gremlins and the freelance Brownie assassin was still being talked about up and down the business district of Aution. There was even talk of a new ordinance at the last council meeting.21 “We’ll make a day of it.”

  “Can Dummy come?” Grimbledung asked hopefully. “He never gets to leave the store.”

  “He stays in the store.” Drimblerod said emphatically. “It’s bad enough we’ve got brooms at Nulu and now Pozzuoli’s place, AND that crazy sign talking up every adventurer that comes by. How I ever let you talk me into that scheme I’ll never know. We need to keep a low profile with the Mechanimation. I’m telling you, you don’t want to have to deal with the Magicians Guild.” He shuddered involuntarily. “Ever. Those Magicians are ruthless!”

  Grimbledung sighed loudly. “All right. The last thing I want to do is cause some sort of trouble.”

  Door clattered open and the bell jingled. Two cloaked figures walked in. Their cloaks were gaudy patchworks of colors with bright stars and moons of different sizes sewn on them. Though their heads were covered for ambiguity, their cloaks would easily have been spotted in a full-on siege of a castle from a league away. Drimblerod blanched as his caught sight of them. His knees buckled and he dropped from sight below the counter. The figures turned to watch the door close behind them and did not see him do it. They conversed in hushed tones still watching the now closed Door. It rattled self-consciously. Grimbledung was torn between watching the two mysterious and yet flamboyantly dressed figures and his partner on the floor in a heap. Drimblerod looked up and held a finger to his lips. His eyes were wide with terror.

  “Are you the propriethor of this esthablishment?” Asked the shorter of the two figures haughtily.

  Grimbledung examined them. They could have been Elves but were most likely short Humans. Or really tall Dwarfs. Possibly short, famished Orcs, he considered. Of course, the accent was not Orcish at all. In fact, he was unable to place it even though he was sure he had heard it before.

  “You awake?” The man said as he snapped his fingers several times.

  Grimbledung snapped his fingers back without realizing it. It was at the bathhouse! That’s where he had heard the accent before. It was from the Eunuchs working the Ladies Baths. He snorted. It had been ages since he had been to the Baths. Maybe that’s what he needed- a day at the Baths, and a night of carousing. Or maybe the other way around. He considered the pros and cons of both courses of action. Grimbledung was pulled from his thoughts by the feeling of someone tugging on his pant leg. He looked down and Drimblerod was still holding his pant leg with one hand and was furiously waving the other.

  “You awake?” Said the man testily. “Whaths the matter with you?” He asked in the same tone.

  “Greetings!” Said Grimbledung. “Welcome to the shop. Please feel free to peruse the merchandise.” He gestured with both hands.

  The figures stood rock still, examining Grimbledung for a full minute. “Do you speak Common?” Asked the taller figure. “Or just Gnomish” he asked. The way he said ‘Gnomish’ sounded like he had had an entire murder of crows take up residence in his mouth.22

  “What?” Asked Grimbledung, smile fading from his face. “ ‘Course I speak Common. What do you take me for?” There was more frantic tugging at his pant leg but he didn’t look down. His attention was wholly on the taller of the two figures. He narrowed his eyes menacingly.

  The taller figure stepped back. “We’re not looking for trouble, Gnome.” This time when he said it, a Batch of Brownies may have moved into his mouth.23 He even wrenched up his face as if the Brownies had been whipping up some of their famous Grub Flambé while they were there.

  “Then I think you should go someplace else, because trouble is what’s on sale today.” Grimbledung said flatly. He did not try to hide the motion and the two figures followed his hand as it went from the counter to disappear in his sleeve. “It’s a two for one special we’re having.” He growled, hoping it would have the same effect as when Akita did it. His hand remained up his sleeve.

  The shorter of the two looked up and met eyes (figuratively) with Grimbledung. “Listhen, Gnome,” he began. Nothing seemed to reside in this one’s mouth as he said it but even so, it came out as an insult. “We are here on offithial business.” He straightened up and pulled his hood back in a flourish. “We’re from the Magithian’s Guild and we’ve got some questhions for you.” He said once again testily. It seemed to be his go-to tone.

  Humans thought Grimbledung as he examined the older man in front of him. He was balding with more hair on his brow than on his head. There was also a great deal of hair protruding from his ears. A Gnome would be proud to have that much hair on and in their ears.

  He considered what the Human had said. “You’re a Magithian? What’s that?” He asked. He had heard of Magi’s, Magistrates, and even Magicians, but never a Magithian. It sounded like some sort of creature that lived deep in the sea. “Isn’t that a creature that lives deep in the sea?”

  “That’s a Leviathan,” said the taller one as he too pulled back his hood. When he said ‘leviathan’ it seemed that there was a school of overfed blowfish swimming around inside his mouth. This Human was also bald but only on one side of his head. He was also missing his eyebrow on the bald side. There was no scarring but his face was pink. “What’s the matter with you?” He demanded.

  “The problem is that I like Humankind, it’s people I can’t stand,” said Grimbledung, “people like you.” It seemed like something had taken up residence in his mouth as well. Apparently, the condition was contagious. “Especially people like you. So why don’t you just go.” Grimbledung pointed at the door. “Away,” he said with quite a degree of finality. “We’re closed as of right now.” He slid his hand out of his sleeve and his wand right along with it.” There was furious tugging at his leg. He didn’t bother to look down.

  “We’re here on offithial business!” Said the shorter one again, “and you will listhen to us if you know what’s good for you.”

  “I sure do. Ale.”

  “What?” Asked the man, more confused than testy. It was unusual territory for him when being testy.

  “Ale is good for me. And you don’t look like you’re selling Ale, Magi Thian.” Grimbledung glowered. He tapped the end of the wand on the counter as he spoke. Tiny sparks flew from it every time it hit.

  “We’re from the Magician’s Guild” said the taller man angrily. “And you’ll be smart to not give us any grief.” He stepped forward, his wand in his hand
in a flash. Grimbledung looked at the magician’s wand. It was not tapered like normal wands- it was a solid tube from hilt to tip. It was also colored a glossy black, which would have been menacing if a finger’s width at each end weren’t painted a bright white. “We’re representatives of the Magician’s Guild and have the FULL power of the ...”

  Grimbledung jabbed his wand at the man. The man’s wand clattered noisily to the floor of the shop as the man disappeared from under his Official Magician’s Guild Enforcer Cloak®. There was no smoke, no dust, and no smell of disintegration. It was as if the man had never been there in the first place. The Anti-Magic enchantment on the cloak had protected it but the blast had caught the man square in the chest where there was nothing to protect him.

  “Oooohhh! What have you done? Oooohhh! Now you’re in for it!” Screamed the shorter man. “You will reap the full power of the Magithian’s Guild now!” He fumbled in his cloak. “Ooohhh you’re going to get it!” He continued to fumble. “Ohhh justh you wait! You’ll thee!”

  “While you’re looking” began Grimbledung, he raised his wand. He had a difficult time aiming because of the tugging on his leg. He felt as if it were in the mouth of a crocodile.

  “Ah ha!” Said the man triumphantly, “thith will show you who YOU’RE dealing with. Prepare to be thorry AND amathed as I now perform the ...”

  As his body swayed back to line up with the Magician, Grimbledung slashed his wand at the man. His wand also clattered to the floor beside his cloak. As his wand hit, it emitted a puff of smoke and a dove flew up out of the cloud. Door dutifully opened and let it fly out into the blue Aution sky.

  Drimblerod let go of Grimbledung’s leg and hopped up. He grabbed his partner by both shoulders and shook him violently. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?” He screamed. “You know what will happen when the Guild finds out we killed two of their Enforcers? When they find out YOU killed two Enforcers?” Drimblerod looked ill. He reached for the counter to steady himself and missed it. He staggered backwards and sat roughly. His face was covered in sweat and his arms trembled. “What have you done?” He asked again meekly.

  Grimbledung looked down at his partner. “Do you want a stool?” He asked.

  Drimblerod shook his head. The room spun around him and he swooned.

  Visions of a year bedridden as he was fed soft foods flashed before his eyes. A year without bones. Now he was on his back writhing and moaning.

  “How about a drink of water?” Offered Grimbledung. The bell above Door sounded again. “What now? Grimbledung looked up and saw Nulu walk in. “Nulu! Get some water. Drimblerod’s having a fit!”

  “What? Drimblerod is having a fit?” She asked incredulously. Nulu moved quickly to the counter and peered over it. Drimblerod was now on his side, legs curled up to his chest. He was still moaning and while the twitches had stopped, he was now drooling. “Well that’s a fit alright.” She squinted at Grimbledung. “What did you do to him?” demanded Nulu.

  Grimbledung raised his hands in defense. “Not a thing!” He realized he was still holding his wand which was smoldering. He quickly shoved it up his sleeve into his arm sheath. He winced as it singed his arm. “I was being helpful. Minding my own business. Not doing nothing to nobody, when all of a sudden current event happened right around me.” He raised his hands plaintively. “Same as always. Except this time, I was being helpful too.”

  “Helpful. He was helpful. Helpful” Drimblerod muttered. The twitching began anew. “Helpful.”

  “See?” Said Grimbledung pointing at the Gnome. “Even Drimblerod agrees!”

  Nulu shook her head. “I don’t think that is agreeing. I think that is babbling.”