Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

Chapter Twenty-Nine (Reliquume)

  Wherein the Gnomes and

  Big Julie Discuss Business

  “Yes finally” agreed RatShambler, “If I had to hear about one more cloud that looked exactly like a headless Orc riding a three-legged unicorn across a cotton field, I was going to throw up.”

  “That’s what they looked like to me,” countered Grimbledung. “Lookit! We’re almost there!” He squealed as he clapped.

  A full mile from the school, the road abruptly changed from hardpan to sandstone. The wagon practically glided to the front of the massive Windmill. The Windmill’s blades creaked quietly as they glided by. There was no discernible breeze. The double front doors were polished wood and held together with oiled iron strapping. Sitting on each side were two very large stone Gargoyles.

  “Want to come Rat?” Asked Drimblerod, “or you want to stay out here and relax in the fields.”

  RatShambler turned to look at Drimblerod. “Let’s see. Get a proper meal inside, or stay out here in the hot sun and eat grass that birds have pooped on. That’s a tough one.”

  “Grim, can you change him back?”

  Grimbledung looked confused. “But he didn’t say which one he was going to do.” A scornful glance from Drimblerod and Grimbledung produced his wand and jabbed it at RatShambler who once again became just Rat. “Well, he didn’t” protested Grimbledung as he sheathed his wand.

  Drimblerod approached the front doors. He looked at the two Gargoyles. They were immense compared to him. They were a matched set with dragon heads, lion bodies with squatty folded wings, and long sharp talons. They sat on roughhewn stone bases and their heads were angled in so they faced anyone who was at the doors. Drimblerod looked from one to the other.

  “Aren’t we going in?” Asked Grimbledung. He hopped from foot to foot, “Maybe we should knock.”

  “I figured they’d ask our names, or demand a password, or something.” He moved in close and peered into the face of one of the Gargoyles. “This is a school of magic after all.”

  Grimbledung moved beside his partner, grabbed the huge iron ring and knocked loudly on the doors. Drimblerod continued to eye the Gargoyles. They seemed to just be stone carvings. After a few moments, the doors opened and they were greeted by a Dwarf child. “You visiting?” He asked.

  Drimblerod took his attention away from the Gargoyles. “Yes, we were hoping to speak to the Headmistress.”

  “Got an appointment?”

  Drimblerod and Grimbledung exchanged glances. Drimblerod shrugged.

  After a moment, Grimbledung suggested, “Yes?”

  “Follow me” said the Dwarfling as he walked into the foyer. “The office is this way.” The three followed the boy into the Windmill and the door closed of its own accord. One of the Gargoyles winked at the other, who grinned back.

  “Hey, what’s a student doing answering the door?” Asked Drimblerod. “Shouldn’t you be in class or something?”

  “This is my free period and I’m answering the door because I am on detention,” answered the Dwarfling. “But it could’a been worse. I could have drawn Latrine duty.” He stuck out his tongue.

  “So, what are you in for?” Asked Grimbledung in a conspiratorial tone.

  The Dwarfling put his hands in his pockets. “Littering.”

  Grimbledung shook his head. “Detention for littering? That’s disgraceful.”

  Perking up the youth continued, “And creating a public nuisance.

  “Well that’s more like it then!”

  “Don’t encourage him to follow in your footsteps,” scolded Drimblerod.

  “Why in the Lands were you given detention for littering and how does that turn into being a public nuisance?”

  “Well” began the Dwarfling as they walked, “a couple of weeks ago, we were cleaning up one of the outbuildings to make an indoor sparing ring, and the previous owners lived in the hay loft, and since they lived in the hay loft, they had a lot of room down where the stables used to be. And, having all that room seeing as how the horses were all gone, they decided they didn’t have to take out the trash for a very long time. So when we started cleaning up the place, me and my friend Guthrie decided we would take the garbage down to the dump. So we took some shovels and rakes and loaded the trash up in my ...” He stopped in front of a black door. “Here we are. Miss Julie’s office.” He knocked on it and quickly ran off. “Good luck!” He called over his shoulder.

  “I wanted to hear how that turned into a public nuisance charge,” whined Rat.

  “Bah,” said Drimblerod, “it sounded like it would take him almost 20 minutes to ramble through it. Ask him later when we aren’t on business.”

  “Say, I wonder why he ran off,” wondered Grimbledung aloud, “You’d think ...”

  The door sprung open and what was the largest non-Troll, non-Giant female Grimbledung had ever seen, greeted them. Julie always opened her own door to ensure that whatever student or faculty happened to be on the other side had to deal with her filling the doorframe. As part of the renovations, she had had it rebuilt slightly smaller in width and height so she quite literally filled it. Since the Gristmill was over a hundred years old, none of the doors matched anyway, so her oddly shaped door did not seem out of place.

  As usual, she stared straight ahead, as if at one point, she actually expected a six-and-a-half-foot tall student to greet her. Slowly she lowered her eyes. It was another tactic she used to make sure the students didn’t try to get away with anything- fear was a good motivator. In all honesty however, being around all the youngsters had brought a motherly instinct bubbling up from the nether regions of Big Julie - Former Mob Boss - that she never knew she had. This had brought about another tactic from Julie; dressing up. Unbeknownst to the local gentry of the male persuasion (so far anyway), Julie was “in the market.” If she came across an above average height male who wasn’t looking for a free ride, Julie -Former Mob Boss- would transform rather quickly into Julie -Panther on the Prowl-. She met Grimbledung’s eyes. At half her height, he would have had to own a kingdom to be in the running, she mused sourly. The musing transferred to her face.

  “Gah!” Exclaimed Grimbledung, “We’re sorry to bother you Big ... Big.. BIG” he was overwhelmed. “Julie.” He finished quickly. “I ... I ... I.” He stammered helplessly.

  From a tender young age, Grimbledung had found taller, more robust women of interest to him. Now that he was an adult, that “interest” had turned into full blown Obsession (with a capital Ooooh!); His advances on Nulu were only slightly in jest; he was testing the waters, as it were. Now faced with a buxom and big all over Human, he was agog. “We ... we ... we”

  Drimblerod had been eyeing his partner with interest. He had no idea what was wrong with Grimbledung but it was, at least for a while, entertaining to watch.

  “I want,” began Grimbledung again. “I WANT!” He said louder than he really wanted to.

  Julie took a step back from the door. It felt as if this unintelligible Gnome was the panther and she was the prey. It was unfamiliar territory. “Can I help you?” She asked, hoping for a well-spoken answer from the other Gnome.

  “Yes,” began Grimbledung. “You can help me.”

  Drimblerod, realization rushing across his mind, slapped his partner’s ear. “Cut it out! We’re here on business.”

  Finally, thought Julie, a sentence. She addressed the articulate Gnome, “Business with what? Are you applying for a job?” The increase in student body had made her put notices out for persons able to teach magic, physical fitness, as well as the standard compulsory classes; it was a fully accredited franchise after all. “Come in.” She said as she moved behind her desk. “What are your specialties?” She asked a she moved to sit behind her desk. Partially to look official, and partially to put a piece of furniture between her and the other, rather disturbing Gnome.

  “Wands” Grimbledung spat out, “we do wands.” His tongue still was not in synch with his mind. He had a big smile a
cross his face and didn’t know how to get rid of it. He thought of kicking wet, baby River Seals, but that just made him giggle.

  “We aren’t in the market for a professor of the Art of Wand,” began Julie, “What we really need is someone to teach etiquette and someone who can teach Alchemy and also Potions.” She looked at Grimbledung, “But I have a feeling, that is not your forte. What are your credentials, Mister Gnome?” She asked the coherent Gnome.