Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

“Well, what I have are Assassin Wands” said the Human to Grimbledung.

  “Wands-sss?” Asked Grimbledung hopefully. “You have more than one Assassin Wand?” Assassin Wands tended to not make it on the market very often since they were usually discarded after they were used so they couldn’t be used as evidence later. They were prized in the wand resale world.

  He opened his cloak and showed the inside lining to Grimbledung. Sewn into it were rows of loops to hold wands. He had four wands neatly nestled in them; two on each side. “It’s got loops for wands,” the Human explained.

  “Gads! You’re walking around with four Assassin Wands strapped to your chest?” Grimbledung backed up a pace. In all actuality, he would have had to back up a hundred paces to be safe. The counter in between them was inconsequential. “You’re liable to just explode at any minute!”

  The Human shook his head, “I got this cloak off a Magician. It keeps the wands in check.” He winked. “Real handy.”

  Grimbledung leaned forward, “Say, that’s a nice-looking cloak.” He reached for it, “May I?”

  The Human shrugged. “Sure.”

  Grimbledung took one of the flaps of the cloak in his hands. It was dark brown and very smooth. “You know; the last two Magicians I saw had these really gaudy cloaks. I thought they were all like that.”

  “They are. I had the cover replaced and just kept the Magic Inhibitor® lining.”

  “So where did you even come across four Assassin Wands. I don’t mind telling you, those are hard to come by,” commented Grimbledung as he continued to examine the cloak. It had a sheen to it as if it had been well oiled recently yet it wasn’t wet feeling at all. It was slightly oily though.

  “I live in the sewers. People toss all sorts of stuff into the sewers. Sometimes I find Assassin Wands.”

  Grimbledung shrieked and pulled his hand back as if it had been inside a Thrak35 . The patrons in the store all turned to look at him. He quickly wiped his hands on the back of his breeches. “Sherman’s Ears. That’s disgusting.”

  “You want the wands or not?”

  Grimbledung was tempted to not take any of them but the potential for profit was too great. After all, it was nothing a good washing couldn’t take care of. “Wait. Do you know where these came from? That’s important with Assassin Wands you know.”

  “Sure thing. I remember which sewer I was in when I got each of them,” he explained

  Grimbledung shrieked. Again, the patrons all turned to look at him. “You go into different sewers?” Grimbledung considered giving himself a good washing after dealing with this particular customer and seriously considered not mentioning the Jamboree to him.

  The Human, completely ignoring the shriek, pulled a wand from his cloak. “Let’s see. I got this one in West Kilbride. They have really nice sewers there. Lots of ledges you can lay down on, plus plenty of grates to let the sun in.” The man considered that for a moment. “Unless of course it’s raining, then you just get drenched.”

  Grimbledung stared at the man. “Weren’t you going to tell me about the wand? I don’t really want to hear about the sewers.”

  “They’re really nice you know. Lots of space.”

  Grimbledung shook his head, “Wands. Not sewers.”

  “Well, if that’s what you want, then by all means, here’s the tale of this wand.” The man smiled hopefully.

  “That’s what’s coming next, right?”

  The man’s smile broadened. “Sure thing. I’m glad to help,” he said. Because he was. “Well you see...”

  Drimblerod cocked an ear towards his partner and the disturbingly strange patron he was dealing with. He hoped that Grimbledung was making mental notes on the descriptions of each wand. With normal wands, the pedigree wasn’t important. At times, it was purposely forgotten- such was the case with dueling wands. With Assassin Wands, their initial construction and use dictated how much they were worth. He hazarded a glance at his partner. He seemed to be paying rapt attention to the human. With a shrug, he turned to see who he was going to deal with next It was an Orc.

  “You have a wand?”

  The Orc nodded, “Yeah. I gots a wand.” He held up a polished dark-wood wand with a neatly wrapped leather handle. “Here.”

  Drimblerod nodded. “A Traveler’s Emberstick. Very nice.”

  The Orc grunted.

  Hoping for some opening offer to haggle against, Drimblerod smiled and put his hands on the counter.

  The Orc grunted again. “You give coins for wand?”

  “Sure, how about two nice shiny copper coins?” Drimblerod tried.

  The Orc snorted and put the wand on the counter. “Sure.”

  “Well, it has been very nice chatting with you Mister Orc” Drimblerod picked up the wand and put two copper coins in its place. “You’ll have to come back again.”

  “Really?”

  No, not really, you stupid Orc. “Sure. When you get another wand, of course.” The Orc picked up the two coins and with a curt nod, left the shop. “Next!” He hazarded a glance at his partner. They were still talking about Assassin Wands. How many wands does that Human have? ‘You should be a Bard’ he heard his partner say.

  A Human stepped up to Drimblerod. He put a wand on the counter. A familiar looking wand. “Hey, where’d you get this wand?”

  The Human pointed over to the wall, “On yon wall. Need me a levitation wand.”

  It hadn’t occurred to Drimblerod that customers were now also in the store. He mentally kicked himself for the mistake. He turned towards the curtain. “Rat! Get out here!” He called. “That’ll be two copper, Sir,” he said to the Human.

  Rat yawned as he pushed under the curtain. “What now? I was dozing.”

  “I need you to work the floor” he said to Rat, “there’s customers out there that might need help.” He put out his hand to take the two coins the Human was offering. “Thanks very much. If you have any issues with the wand, come back by.” With a smile, he waved at the man. “Next!” He called into the room.

  “Work the floor?” Asked Rat. “I was busy doing other things.”

  Drimblerod turned on the rodent, “Like what exactly? Eating for free? Sleeping indoors for free? Snacking for free? Napping, dozing, snoozing, and whatever else you want to call your general loafing, for free?” He pointed a finger at Rat, “Go earn your keep, you!”

  Rat twitched his whiskers. “Well, if you put it that way. I suppose I could offer a little help here and there.” With that he moved around the counter into the main selling area of the shop. “Anyone need help?” He glanced at the Drimblerod. “Apparently, I’m here to serve since I am a key employee here.”

  A Dwarf nodded at Rat, “I got a question, Laddie.”

  Drimblerod exhaled One crisis resolved. He hazarded a look at his partner. Who was still chatting with the same customer. Still?

  “That was a great story.” Grimbledung took the wand daintily with two fingers and placed it on the counter. “What’s next?”

  “Let’s see,” said the Human as he considered the remaining wands, “I got these last two after the Great Frost Giant Invasion. “Do you want to hear about the sewers there? Those are nice too.”

  Grimbledung shook his head.

  “You know; people really give sewers a bum rap. If more people would take the time to go in them, I’m sure more people would live there. Very cozy. Same temperature all year. Want to hear about them?”

  Grimbledung stared at the man. “No.”

  “So whadda think? Which ones you want?”

  “I’ll take them all,” said Grimbledung with hopefully as little anxiousness in his voice as possible. “What do you want for them?” Secretly he hoped the man said three gold coins or less. They were easily worth two each.

  “How’s about we trade for a nice Water Wand?” Suggested the man amicably.

  Grimbledung’s brain stopped working. A two-copper coin wand for eight gold coins’ worth of rare wandage. “That’s it? No coins?�
�� He said before he could help himself.

  The man considered the wands on the counter and scratched his head. Bits of something fell on the glass. Grimbledung moved to the other side of the wands away from the detritus. “Well, if that doesn’t work for you. How about the wand and two gold coins?” He tried hopefully. Usually when people bartered they asked for less. For some reason this Gnome was trying to get him to take more for the wands than he really wanted. Not wanting to offend the Gnome, he tried what he hoped was a reasonable price.

  Unknown to Grimbledung, the man had been bewitched several years ago to be overly agreeable by a town Wizard who was trying to get him to live in any town but the one that he was currently in. There was a large collection taken to get the -as he was known- “Disagreeable man who lives in our sewers and gives us the willies” to go elsewhere. The Wizard took the sizeable fee, cast an Agreeability Spell on the man and then suggested he live elsewhere. Since then, the man was agreeable in a personal sense but still, unfortunately, disagreeable in an olfactory sense.

  He tended to move a lot.

  Of course, the man’s entire situation would be reversed if someone suggested “Why don’t you move out of the sewers?” Instead of “why don’t you go live in someone else’s sewers.” Unfortunately, it would actually be decades before someone made that slightly different -yet significant- suggestion.

  Kicking himself for the blunder, Grimbledung agreed immediately, “Sure thing! That sounds great. If you find any more, bring them here. We’ll trade other wands for them. And a little gold too. That sounds great.” He kicked himself again as he tried to stop his babbling. “How does that sound?” He finished.

  “Very agreeable to me,” said the Human. Because it was.

  The two exchanged the coins (Grimbledung at arm’s length) and the Water Wand (via a short toss) and the man left.

  Drimblerod shook his head as he helped another customer. Even at the pace he was going, he would have to help another ten customers to equal the coins Grimbledung just made off his one unusual customer. He turned and looked ahead. There was an Orc standing at the counter. A familiar looking Orc. “Yes, can I help you?”

  “Yeah. I gots a wand.” He held up a polished light- wood wand with a neatly wrapped leather handle. “Here.”

  Drimblerod nodded. Again. “Another Traveler’s Emberstick?”

  The Orc grunted.

  Hoping to skip any haggling, Drimblerod reached into his belt pouch.

  The Orc grunted again. “You give coins for wand?”

  “Sure, how about two nice shiny copper coins?” Drimblerod said. Again.

  The Orc snorted and put the wand on the counter. “Sure.”

  “Well, it has been very nice...” Drimblerod stopped himself. “Sorry, I have to ask. Where did you get this wand?”

  The Orc jabbed a thumb towards the window of the shop. “Found it out there.”

  Drimblerod looked at the window. There was a disheveled Human peering through it back at him. The man’s shirt was ripped and he was squinting as if his eye were beginning to swell. “Found it?”

  “Yeah.” The Orc snorted. It started to turn into a laugh, but he caught himself.

  “OK, Mister Orc. The only wands we’d be interested in buying are ones you find...”

  “Found that one,” interrupted the Orc testily.

  “... on the ground or someplace that isn’t with someone else. Or that you threatened to get them to hand it to you.”

  The Orc glanced over his shoulder at the window. The man ducked down.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. And because of that, you don’t get any coins for this wand.”

  The Orc narrowed his eyes. “Really?” He looked back over his shoulder.

  Drimblerod looked past the Orc at the man crouched down at the window.

  “Well, since it’s your first time. It is your first time, right?”

  “For what?”

  Drimblerod shook his head, “Never mind. Here’s a copper coin. Go get yourself a drink.”

  Drimblerod flipped a copper coin at the Orc. He caught it with one hand and examined it. “This less than last time.”

  “Sure. It’s a one for two sale. If you bring in a third, you’ll owe me a copper coin so I don’t recommend you doing that.”

  The Orc squinted at the coin. “Yeah. Dat make sense.” He turned and with another curt nod, left the shop. Again.

  As he exited the door, Drimblerod gestured to the man still crouched down and peering into the window. He held up his money pouch and shook it.

  The man’s eyes got large. Even the one that was previously squinted. The man looked down the street- ostensibly to see if the Orc was looking or not. Seeing that it was safe, he stood and moved quickly into the shop and to the counter. “That Orc’s none to pleasant.”

  Drimblerod nodded, “Most of them aren’t. Sorry for the trouble. Here’s the two copper that wand would have gotten you.”

  The man nodded as he took the coins. “Thanks Mister Gnome. That’s mighty agreeable of you.”

  “It’s the least I can do.” With a wave, he turned to find another customer. Hoping that the obviously beaten up one left before he spooked anyone.

  The man returned the wave and left the shop. When he got to the street, he looked left and right, then went left. After a few paces, he came to an alleyway. He turned into it and ran into the Orc.

  “Hey.” The Orc said.

  “Hey, Crank,” answered the man.

  “That work?”

  The man nodded. “Told you it would. Let’s go get some drinks. Yeah?”

  “Yeah” agreed Crank. “Sounds good.”