How Not to Get Shot

by D. L. Hughley

  So, no, he didn’t comply. He complied with the order, but not the spirit of the order. The spirit of the order was to get his license while not being so dangerous. What would have made Philando less dangerous? Maybe Philando shouldn’t have had a gun at all. Philando assumed that he was allowed to have a gun, but he didn’t see that he couldn’t comply with the spirit of the orders while exercising his Second Amendment rights. Or maybe if he had it, he shouldn’t have told the police and just waited to be thrown to the ground when they discovered it and hope to not be shot then. Or maybe he should have had it sitting out on his dashboard so it would be clear that when he reached for his wallet, he wasn’t reaching for his gun.

  Maybe none of that would have helped. After all, according to a report in the Washington Post, blacks are the most likely to be shot by police. The most likely. And that’s irrespective of socioeconomic background. So it’s not just poor black people at risk. It’s rich black folks, too. In other words, rich black people still get shot at a disproportionately high rate. So you can’t get away from the mitigating factor being race. It’s nice to be rich, but you can’t buy your way out of being black.

  Let’s just face it, black people . . . We’re a very target-y-looking group. We look shootable. By being black, you’re not complying with the spirit of the order, which is “get in your place, nigga.”

  Comply with Police Orders Fast

  Be sure to comply with police orders quickly—an officer might decide that you are moving too slow and that shooting you is a better option. Once an officer asks you to do something, there’s a timer ticking. You don’t have forever to comply.

  A lot of times you have almost no time at all. The cops roll up and start firing almost as soon as they arrive, like with Tamir Rice or John Crawford.

  Comply with Police Orders Slowly

  But then again, some people get shot for moving too fast. In South Carolina, in 2014, Levar Jones was asked for his license and he quickly went to get it from his truck. He moved so quick that the state trooper shot him for “lunging” into his vehicle. Jones said, “Why did you shoot me?” The cop said, “Well, you dove headfirst back into your car.”

  So that argues for moving slowly. No lunging. No diving headfirst. But don’t move too slowly or it might seem like you’re being menacing (see above).

  What If I Don’t Understand How to Comply?

  The fastest way to get shot by police in America is by being mentally or emotionally unstable. According to a report by the Ruderman Family Foundation, almost half of the people shot by police have some kind of disability. They are mentally or physically or emotionally disabled. And the police are most often the first responders to mental health situations. So even if they are issuing commands, there needs to be training so police don’t just shoot people for “noncompliance.”

  How is a mentally ill person supposed to comply with police orders? In multiple instances, when police were informed that a person was mentally ill, they still shot that person instead of using less deadly force. Schizophrenics, people off their meds, and people with brain injuries are all treated as if they can comply. Like Laquan McDonald, who was shot by police even though he was surrounded by police who were in no danger. Meanwhile, he suffered from PTSD and other mental health disorders. Or take Keith Scott, whose wife took video of the police confronting her husband. On the video, she’s trying to get the police to understand that he had a traumatic brain injury, that he was disabled. But even though he was complying with their orders to back up, he may not have fully understood what was being asked of him. Rather than treat the situation with patience and care, the officers shot him.

  So if you don’t understand how to comply because of a disability, you’d better hope that you’re not not understanding how to comply in one of the thirty-four states that don’t mandate de-escalation training. If you’re lucky, you’ll be in Dallas, where excessive force complaints dropped by 18 percent the year after they put the training into effect. That’s maybe the only reason you’d be lucky to be in Dallas.

  What If I’m a Kid?

  When I was a kid, I learned compliance from my mom. My mother would always tell me the rules before we left the house to go get groceries: “Don’t look at shit, don’t touch shit, you ain’t getting shit.” And sometimes I even listened to her.

  But with the police, being a kid does not exempt you from complying. If you’re Tamir Rice, playing with a toy gun in the park, your compliance is requested even if you’re doing nothing wrong.

  It’s hard to get kids to follow directions in normal circumstances. But if the police are giving orders to a kid, the kid better pay a lot more attention to the police than I did to my mama. With the police, a child has to act more responsibly than a trained professional. Especially if the trained professional isn’t really trained or professional. The cop who shot and killed Tamir had resigned from his previous job in the Independence Police Department because he was about to be fired. Why? Because he couldn’t follow “basic functions as instructed,” according to his old boss, the deputy police chief. That didn’t stop Cleveland from hiring him, though.

  This officer shot Tamir almost immediately. Maybe he yelled something from within the car, or perhaps not. It depends on whether you believe the officer’s video statement he gave to police right after the shooting or whether you believe his written testimony later. Or maybe you trust the surveillance video that showed him practically leap out of the car and start shooting. One of those three is bound to be right.

  Tamir is supposed to comply with police orders within two seconds of a police car screeching to a halt in front of him. See, when a police officer can’t comply, he gets hired. When a kid can’t comply, he gets shot. Being a kid is tough.

  What If I Don’t Have Time to Comply?

  In Tamir’s case, it’s hard to see how he could have complied with police orders even if he had heard any. Sometimes the police just roll up and start firing. Take John Crawford in Dayton, Ohio: He was in a Walmart, carrying around a BB gun that he intended to buy, talking on his phone. The cops came in and shot him before he was able to do anything.

  Sometimes you don’t have time to comply, so you have to pre-comply. You have to think about what kind of threat you would be if you became one. Pre-complying means knowing that you aren’t allowed to hold a BB gun in a Walmart. Toy guns are a big pre-compliance no-no.

  It’s too bad you don’t see more black magicians. Because to avoid being shot, you gotta be a mind reader. Pre-comply at all times, if possible. Pre-compliance means anticipating compliance and being available to comply at any moment.

  Compliance Request

  How to Be Pre-Compliant

  “Drop the gun”

  Don’t have a gun, toy gun, wallet, dark thing

  “Hands in the air”

  Have your hands free, not in your pockets; not holding something

  “Don’t move”

  Minimize movement. If already moving, be able to stop quickly; don’t be fast

  “Get on the ground”

  Stay close to the ground; don’t be tall; wear stuff you could get dirty

  So if John Crawford had pre-complied, he wouldn’t have been holding a toy gun that he was going to buy while casually talking to his girlfriend on the phone in an open-carry state. If John Crawford had pre-complied he might still be alive today.

  What If I Am White?

  If you are white, comply at your leisure. In Kalamazoo, Michigan, an old white dude with a rifle was standing around yelling at people and cars in front of a Dairy Queen. Multiple 911 calls later, a bunch of cops rolled up and he mouthed off to them and didn’t comply with their orders. He wouldn’t put his weapon down, so of course they fucking shot the dude.

  Oh wait, did I say that the cops shot the dude? I meant they didn’t shoot the dude. You know, a white guy with a real rifle shouting about revolution can tell a cop that he’s “acting like a prick” and not get dropped. He wasn’t even charged because
Michigan is an open-carry state. “But, DL, I thought you said that John Crawford was in an open-carry state, and he got shot. How come this old white dude didn’t get shot?” It’s simple: because a nigga with a play gun is more dangerous than a raging white dude with a real gun.

  So if you’re white, take your time complying, open-carry all you want. Old white guys are still in charge! If you’re black, stay pre-compliant so you won’t look target-y.

  Summary

  Like white people say: it’s easy to not get shot if you just comply with police orders. So whatever you do, obey. Comply with orders even if they contradict each other or are shouted at you suddenly from behind a drawn gun. Comply with them if they are unreasonable, demeaning, or weird. In fact, it would be best to be clairvoyant so you can comply with orders before the cop has even thought of what he wants you to do. Complying is the only way to ensure that you’re not as target-y.

  If you’re not sure how to comply, be sure to comply with what you think the cop meant.

  Comply quickly, but not too quickly.

  Comply slowly, but not too slowly.

  Play guns are for white people.

  Complying is simple when you follow these simple rules!

  2

  Don’t Talk Back

  “From the time that he pulled that car over, he was very personable, he was calm, he was polite. He called her ‘ma’am’ several times. And he could sense that she was irritated and he asked her. She was loaded for bear from the time that she pulled over. I expect, in those situations, an officer to make a reasonable attempt to de-escalate a situation, but not to put him or her in harm’s way while doing it. So once that fails, I expect an officer to go into arrest mode. And that’s what he did. Once you go into arrest mode, you get to move up on the force continuum—it’s no longer verbal commands. You can use intermediate weapons—he chose a taser.”

  —Sheriff David Clarke

  “It’s just a good policy: even if you know the cop is in the wrong, comply and complain later.”

  —Megyn Kelly, The Kelly Files, July 23, 2016

  There are many reasons people might get shot by the police (being black, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, etc.) and you can’t control all of them. But you can control how you talk to the police.

  You may not be looking forward to talking to the police. And guess what? They may not be looking forward to talking to you, either! What should you say? How can you relate to them and get out of the conversation? You have so little in common: they’re a person with a gun in an organization with a history of racial bias and white supremacy and you’re a black person. There’s a word for that: “awkward!”

  Here we have Megyn Kelly and Sheriff David Clarke talking about the stopping of Sandra Bland, which eventually ended in her being arrested (and her alleged suicide in jail). This traffic stop is a case study in how white people view speaking with the police. And we’re lucky enough to have one of the most prominent Trump-era white journalists, Megyn Kelly, recently elevated from Fox News to NBC, and her guest Sheriff David Clarke, a strict law-and-order favorite black person that Trump tried to appoint to the Department of Homeland Security before everyone freaked out.

  Here, our white expert and her lackey are contrasting the police officer’s politeness with Sandra Bland’s “irritation.” As described by Sheriff Clarke, the police officer acts just the way you’d want a police officer to act: “personable,” “calm,” and “polite.” He “called her ma’am several times.” Very nice. Of course, a little later he was threatening to “light her up,” but at least in this part of their conversation, he was a perfect gentleman.

  Sandra Bland was smoking a cigarette and seemed “irritated,” which is understandable because she probably didn’t think she should have been pulled over. But when the officer asked her to put out her cigarette, she asked why she had to. I’m going to assume Sandra did seem irritated. Of course, it’s impossible to tell what her demeanor was from the dashboard cam of Officer Encinia’s police car, and his testimony is suspect (he was indicted on perjury charges, which were later dismissed).

  Can you spot the faux pas in Sandra Bland’s approach? In the face of a polite officer, merely pulling over a black woman for an illegal lane change, Sandra Bland was rude. She was “loaded for bear.” Never mind that an illegal lane change is a bullshit excuse to pull over someone! Any white person will tell you that being rude is not the right approach! Megyn Kelly says it well: “It’s just good policy; even if you know the cop is in the wrong, comply and complain later.”

  Small Talk with Police

  In a way, talking to police is just a little bit of involuntary small talk. It’s one of those things that white people excel at: chitchat. But with, you know, slightly higher stakes.

  I couldn’t get Miss Manners on the phone, but that’s fine. That’s why I have the Internet. I did a quick Google search on “How to make small talk” to get some pointers for us. This shit looks as good or better than if I had laid out money for an “expert.” Here’s eight tips:

  1. “Look approachable and friendly” At a party, you might hope that someone wants to talk to you, so you want to seem friendly and approachable. Here, the cop is approaching you whether or not you seem approachable. It’s not exactly the same, but try to be friendly! When you’ve been hassled by the cops a bunch of times, you might not feel very friendly, but think about what happens to unfriendly black people.

  2. “Seem open nonverbally before you start talking” Not in a way that says “I’m drunk” or “too high to talk.” And not in a nonverbal way that makes it seem like you might not speak English, or that might make them think you’re a Mexican that should be kicked out of the country. Nonverbal in a “I don’t want to waste your time” way. Nonverbal in an “I’m innocent” way. Don’t seem like you don’t want to talk. You do! Try to seem relaxed and happy to eventually start talking.

  Seeming irritated and “knowing your rights” can come across as not very “open.”

  3. “Open with a small interaction” Huh. Well, at a cocktail party, you might say something like “Man, this bar is slammed tonight.” But that’d probably be the wrong thing to say to a cop. . . . In a way, rolling down your window is already a small interaction. Yeah. Give yourself credit for this one. Good job!

  4. “Introduce yourself” Showing your license and registration may not be the way you’d like to introduce yourself, but you probably have to. That’s usually introduction enough.

  5. “Ask open-ended questions” Okay, I think this isn’t really applicable. Not everything from the Internet is going to work.

  6. “Ask the person to explain something to you” Like “Why the fuck am I being pulled over?” Okay, actually skip this one, too.

  7. “Don’t be afraid to disagree” Skip this.

  8. “Stick to safe topics” Like ending the conversation as soon as possible.

  Okay, that’s probably enough free advice from the Web—you get what you pay for. Next time I’ll spring for an expert.

  At a party, you might end up getting someone’s number. But if you mess up this bit of small talk with a cop, your number may be up.

  Be Polite

  Maybe talking to the police is less fun than chit chat at your office party. Maybe it’s not really small talk. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be polite. That’s one thing white people definitely like to point out: just be polite to cops!

  Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. Remember when tennis star James Blake got manhandled in New York during the US Open? He didn’t have time to be polite because he was getting his ass thrown to the ground. He was standing outside his hotel in midtown Manhattan when a cop ran up out of nowhere and tackled and cuffed him. As the former fourth-ranked tennis player in the world, he probably would have been polite! Tennis is a very traditional sport—it’s steeped in tradition. When you have to wear white tennis shorts all the time, you tend to be polite. And he probably would have been, had it not be
en for the fact that he had a cop’s boot in his ass.

  So there are times when you can’t be polite.

  Don’t Be Sassy

  Talking to police is not the time to demonstrate your wit. For some reason, cops can find sass in the smallest of places. They are expecting some sassy back talk and they do not like it. Talking to cops is a good time to practice your best manners.

  Maybe you’ve been provoked—there have been a couple of times that cops have been caught on camera saying stuff that wasn’t very polite. Maybe more than a couple of times. Cops sure like to talk a lot of shit, but when you talk back to them, they act shocked, especially if they hear profanity.

  Sassy, meat-headed cops with an attitude—that’s what we’ve come to expect. But that’s why you have to be extra sweet. Maybe some of you can throw on a “honey” or a “sugar” instead of a “sir” and pull it off. It’s never worked for me.

  I’ve been known to say shit that gets me in trouble. So if you’re like me, you need a little help to not let your mouth get you in trouble. If you tend to be the type of person who likes a snappy comeback, allow me to translate some of your witticisms into cop-appropriate responses:

  Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

  Bad response: Yes, I do know because I can read your mind! Let me look into my fucking crystal ball . . . hmmm, it looks like you pulled me over because you don’t like black people!

  Good response: No, Officer.

  Cop: Where are you going in such a hurry?

  Bad response: On my way to fuck your mother and then to my drug dealer’s house, you racist piece of shit!