Blessed Tragedy

by HB Heinzer

  My eyes drifted to the window across the room. I needed to focus anywhere other than Colton so he wouldn't see the tears pooling along my lower eyelids. I couldn't give him a window to what I was truly thinking and feeling, which was that I wanted him, wanted them, more than anything. More than anything, I wanted to believe there was a way to get back what we once had.

  Would the me I thought I'd found in late spring hold onto the anger? Would she be forgiving? I had vowed, shortly after my mom died, to be more open to listening to what people had to say rather than letting my emotions run my life. After all, my emotions haven't proven to be the best compass in my life so far. They'd led me away from Garrett, away from my family and now, they were steering me clear of the dream I'd worked so hard to achieve.

  “I don't know what to say,” I admitted. “Part of me just feels like what happened is something I can't get over. I don't want to get back on that bus wondering who I can really trust. I don't want to feel like everyone thinks I'm some colossal fuck up junkie. I don't think there's any way to get back to where we were before that bus pulled into the lot after summer.”

  Colton's hand squeezed tighter around my fingers. “The only way to make sure we never get it back is to give up and not try. I don't think I'm the only one in the group who's willing to do whatever we have to do to prove to you how shitty we feel right now.”

  He released my hand and walked around to my side of the table. Crouching beside me, he rested his hands on my thigh. “Maddie, I fucked up. Not only am I part of the reason you're leaving the band, I'm solely responsible for the fact that I haven't talked to my best friend in a month. I'm the reason I haven't had the woman I love by my side for the past thirty-four nights. I don't deserve your forgiveness after I questioned you but I'm here tonight begging for it. I miss you.”

  I slid off the chair so I was kneeling on the floor next to him. There was no denying his apology was sincere just as there was no denying the feelings I'd withheld from since shortly after returning to Florida. Like it or not, I was completely, over the moon in love with Colton Bradford. And whether my head wanted me to forgive him or not, my heart hurt a little bit less having him near.

  “I miss you too. So much it physically hurts,” I admitted, no longer trying to stop the tears from falling. “I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But I can't let myself love someone who isn't going to be there for me through thick and thin. I need to know that the man I love will catch me when someone tries to knock me down. I don't know if I can convince myself that you can be that man after this.”

  His normally baby blue eyes were dark with emotion and glistening with unshed tears. This was the moment of truth for us and he knew it as well as I did. Seeing his pain reflected back to me wiped away any bit of relief I'd been feeling since we started talking.

  Colton leaned into me, wrapping his arms around my neck. “I want to be that man for you. I've done a shit job of showing you that but I swear, if given the chance, I will do everything I can to make sure you never have to doubt me again. You're it for me. The first day you walked into my life, I knew there was something special about you. The past year has been the best of my life because you let me in when you made it clear you didn't open up to anyone. Four of the past five months were amazing, being able to tell you I love you and being able to make love to you.” He turned to wipe a tear from his face against his shoulder. “But baby, I meant it when I said the past month has killed me. I will do whatever it takes to never feel that way again. To never have to live with myself knowing I let you down.”

  When Colton lifted my chin so our eyes met once again, I didn't fight him. When he leaned in to brush his lips against mine, I met him halfway. When he lightly bit my lower lip, I opened up to him, inviting him into my mouth.

  “We good?” He asked, his breathing fast and shallow.

  Pressing my lips to his, I shook my head. “Not by a long shot. I can't guarantee we'll ever be fine, but the new me says I need to at least think about forgiving you so I will. Think about it, that is.”

  I stood and reached down to help him off the ground. “Now, before we do something stupid, you need to go.” I ushered him towards the door. I slid my arms around his waist from behind, walking through the room with my chest pressed against his back. Probably not the smartest move as my nose was filled with the scent of leather, cigarettes and a citrusy cologne; the combination creating a scent I had long associated with comfort, love and, more recently, raw, unadulterated passion.

  “So, can I call Jon and tell him you're not leaving the band?” He asked, turning in my arms at the door.

  “Call him. Tell him that you guys are coming up here tomorrow afternoon. Court's scheduled for ten, but I doubt that will take more than a few minutes after all of today's fun. We all need to sit down and have a long fucking talk before I just jump right back. Like I said, you guys cut me pretty deep. I love you and I'm not sure I'm forgiving you just yet, so think about how hard it's going to be for me to forgive them.”

  The smile that broke out on Colton's face was so wide it threatened to split his head in two. “You love me?”

  I rolled my eyes. “God only knows why, but yeah, I do. Now, get out of here before I change my mind.”

  Colton crushed my body against his, his kiss urgent and hard. “You won't regret this, baby. I love you so much.”

  “Like I said, still not sure I'm forgiving you. There's a lot for me to think about, so you need to go so I can think. I'll see you tomorrow. Ten if you're coming to the courthouse, otherwise be here with the guys at one.”

  “I'll be there for you in the morning; they can meet us here later.” Colton rested his forehead against mine. “Never again will I not be there for you. Love you.”

  I pushed him out the door knowing this could go on all night otherwise. “Goodnight, Colt. Love you too.”

  The next morning, Mark and Dale didn't press me for information about my late night visitor. I knew Mark was the one who told Colton where to find me since no one else knew we were staying at the hotel. I think they avoided the topic on the off chance I was pissed at them, not wanting to add any more stress to the day ahead.

  Lucky for them, it was the first time since our summer tour ended that I woke up in the morning optimistic it was going to be a good day. I'd cleared the air with Colton on a personal level, I was confident the charges against me were going to be a thing of the past within hours, with any luck Tanya would be arrested on a variety of charges by the end of the day, and chances were good I wouldn't be leaving the band after all.

  “So, after court's done, you guys mind going to the Rose Gardens or something? I need the room for a while.” Immediately after opening my mouth, I realized how bad that sounded. “I mean, the guys are coming here for a band meeting. I needed to have them on my turf, and since I turned in the keys to my apartment yesterday, this is home for now.”

  The two men exchanged curious glances before looking at me. “Not going down without a fight, Moo?” Mark asked.

  “Not sure yet. But I'm going to hear them out.” I replied.

  “Good.” Dale chimed in giving me a quick hug. “Now, let's go put this lynch pin behind us. Wish there was a way we could go back in time for you so everything didn't fall apart. But I'm glad to see you trying to get it back on track.”

  “Aww, thanks not my big brother. I might have to adopt you yet. Maybe trade Matt for you.” As we walked out of the hotel, I threw up a silent prayer that Mark would find the strength to come out to our family at some point. Dale's not the type of man who should be my brother's dirty little secret; he would be a great addition to our family.

  True to his word, Colton was leaning against the side of the courthouse when we arrived at nine thirty. He looked so much different than I was used to that I had to look twice to make sure it was really him. I was getting used to the fact that that he'd cut off over twelve inches of hair so his blond hair barely brushed against his shoulder, so that wasn't a shock. The maroo
n button down shirt, pleated black dress pants and tie, combined with a low, slicked back ponytail made him look more like a businessman than the hard rocker I'd fallen in love with.

  “Mornin' sunshine,” he called out as we walked up the granite stairs. He reached out a hand to escort me into the building and I accepted it. The knowing looks between Mark and Dale did not go unnoticed.

  My case was not dropped that day but the prosecutor did ask for a continuation in light of new information they'd received. Less than twenty minutes after stepping foot inside the stuffy courtroom, the four of us were walking out, knowing that this debacle would come to an end in my favor at some point. Mark and Dale excused themselves and turned left as Colton and I turned right to head back to the hotel.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I didn't look at Colton as we sat across the table from one another sipping our coffee. I couldn't. If I did, he'd want to know what I was thinking in regards to the band and I didn't have answers for him. If I took the advice everyone had been shoving down my throat for the past month, the wise choice would be to take some time off and figure out my own life. If I followed my heart, I would be in the studio immediately making up for lost time but I knew that was primarily because being in Blessed Tragedy was my comfort zone. Fortunately, Colton didn't pressure me to open up to him and we sat in a slightly uncomfortable silence until our mugs were empty.

  “Time to get this over with,” Colton said. I fell in step behind him for the short walk to my hotel. “So, you going to keep me waiting too?” He asked, his arm casually draped around my shoulder in what could only be described as a completely platonic gesture.

  “Only as much as I keep myself waiting,” I said keeping my eyes straight ahead.

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning I have no clue yet what I'm going to do. I know what I should do. I know what I want to do. But we need to sit and talk before I decide which way to go.”

  Colton texted the rest of the guys while I changed into something more comfortable than the turquoise shift dress and pumps I'd worn to court. Feeling more like myself in a pair of shredded skinny jeans and tank top, I relaxed on the couch in the sitting area until it was time for our meeting. Colton pulled me close to him and I drifted to sleep nestled in the crook of his arm. I still wasn't sure what I wanted from us but there was no denying it felt amazing to be so close to him again.

  Thirty-five nights of restless sleep takes its toll on the body. Finally seeing an end to the madness that had become my life, I didn't just doze on Colton's shoulder, I crashed. Hard. When I woke up, Colt was no longer next to me but I could hear him talking in the other room.

  “I'm not sure man, she's still pretty hot,” he said, I could only assume to Jon. “We'll talk when you get here, but she made it clear to me last night that all isn't just going to be forgiven...no, not just with the band...I'm trying...okay, see you soon.” His phone hit the hardwood dining table and he let out a frustrated groan.

  “They're late,” I said looking at the display on my own phone.

  “Yeah, Jon had a visit this morning about Tanya. I figured you'd understand.”

  “Are they on their way? I'm not sure when Mark and Dale are coming back and I really don't need them butting in.” It irritated me that something so crucial to the future was delayed, even if it was for a good reason. No, make that a great reason since Jon's meeting was likely one step closer to me clearing my name.

  “Yeah, they'll be here soon. I'm going to get something to eat, you hungry?” Colton picked up the phone and ordered two burgers and beers without waiting for a response. “You're too damn skinny. Need to start eating again.” It was true. My already slender frame was nearly ten pounds lighter thanks to the stress. Ten pounds I really couldn't afford to lose. Knowing my luck, if any of the paps saw me while I was in town, they'd use it as further evidence that I was using again.

  The meeting with Jon, Travis and Jared went about the way I expected it to. They apologized for having less than no faith in me. I broke down while telling them how much it hurt to be put in that position. They asked me to take back my resignation. I told them I'd think about it.

  And that was where things took a turn away from the expected.

  “Look, I stand by my statement that you need to get healthy,” Jon said staring directly at me. “You've been through a world of shit this year and you've been trying to get through it alone from the word go. That shit stops. Now.”

  Colton sat straight in his chair like he wanted to say something but Jon motioned for him to keep his mouth shut. “I don't care what it takes. I want you back. We need you back. But we need you healthy. Physically and emotionally. If that means we stay in town a few months, I'm willing to do it.”

  “Jon, we already committed to dates this fall,” Travis chimed in. He was right, but that didn't make his words sting any less. If we pulled out of the shows we'd signed on for, there could be penalties and it would mean our crew wasn't working. I couldn't ask anyone to deal with that.

  “No. We'll deal with it. I don't want to do this without her and I'm not going to go back on the road wondering how much more she can take before she cracks,” Jon said as though I wasn't sitting across the table from him. “She needs this, we stay home.”

  “Jon, I can't--”

  “Dammit, woman! What's it going to take for you to hear me? I know we all fucked up and you're pissed. But now, it's time to pick up and get things right.” His eyes narrowed on me, daring me to disagree.

  “Okay, I hear you. But I can't ask you to cancel dates when I'm still not sure what's going to happen.” I'd decided after talking to Colton last night that I did need to talk to a professional but I knew there was at least a chance they'd agree that going back on the road, being part of the band I felt betrayed me, wasn't the best decision I could make for my emotional well-being. “I'm going to find someone. I'm going to, as you say, get myself healthy emotionally. But what happens if I still can't go on the road after all that? There's a whole lot of poison that's been dumped into our little group over the past few months. I can't guarantee an outcome.”

  “Well, I guess that's a chance we have to take,” Jon stated. “Plain and simple, I want you to do what you need to do. I'm hoping like hell that at the end of whatever happens, you getting your ass in the studio is part of what you decide is best. It's what you were made to do and I don't think you'll be truly happy until you're living your dreams again. Without the bullshit this time.”

  Jon was nothing if not just as stubborn as me. He wasn't willing to let me go and I wasn't willing to stay. Yes, we live in a free country and he couldn't force me to stay but deep down we all knew he was right.

  “Okay, here's my compromise. I won't make a decision before the end of the year. If I decide I'm ready to play, you let me play. But I won't make any rash decisions one way or the other. In the meantime, the show goes on. Jared doesn't have many vocals right now, shift shit around. Give him a few leads. Colton can handle the rest with some rearranging. I'm not going to let my fucked up head take money out of the pockets of the crew going into the holidays. Deal?”

  This was the new Maddie-slash-Rain confidence coming through. When I wasn't being a stubborn, emotional ass, I was someone I could respect. I spoke my mind and didn't back down. I hoped with the help of therapy, and quite possibly legal pharmaceuticals, this would be the me my guys would come to know from this moment forward.

  Colton squeezed my thigh and winked when I looked at him. I knew he was proud of how I was handling myself too. And probably more than just a little grateful that I was willing to work on moving past my own hurt and anger.

  “Deal.” Jon sauntered around the table. “Now, give me a fucking hug.” He wrapped his arms tightly around my torso pulling my head to his chest. “I am sorry,” he whispered into my hair. “We all are. Now, can you try to give that pussy another chance? I think he's trying to take your spot as the biggest girl in the group.” That last part wasn't whispered an
d everyone but Colton erupted into uproarious laughter. Colton punched Jon in the shoulder, leading to the two of them boxing around the room. I had a feeling it was the first time in the month from hell they'd been able to relax too.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The day I had to watch our bus pull out of the lot without me ripped me apart. Yes, I was the one who said it had to be that way but it didn't mean I had to like it. Just like he had when Mom died, Colton hammered it into me that I could call him at any time and he'd answer unless he was on stage. Unlike when I went back to Lexington, I had no doubt I would be taking him up on that offer. Frequently.

  It had been nine weeks and three days since my first therapy session, which was two days after our meeting. In that time, I could count on one hand the number of days I didn't see Colton. He told me the night he came to apologize that he would do everything possible to show me that he was capable of being my rock and he was true to his word.

  The day Mark and Dale drove back to Odell, I moved in with Colton. Not as his girlfriend but as his roommate. He had a three bedroom condo with a magical view of Mount Hood and I needed a place to stay. It worked for us for a while. After about the first month, it became harder to resist sliding into his bed late at night. Until the lights went out, we were living as a normal couple and it felt amazing.

  He left each day around noon to meet with the guys. Every day he would invite me to come with him and every day I would decline. Getting together with the guys once they were done for the day was one thing. That was time to chill with friends. Being there when they were working through new arrangements was something I couldn't face just yet.

  On the days I didn't have therapy, I would lace up my shoes and head to Forest Park for a run. My therapist suggested it and I agreed; I needed a healthy outlet for the emotions I would otherwise trap inside. I swear there were days when I could feel the stress and guilt seeping out of my pores as I pounded my way down the wooded trails.