Blessed Tragedy

by HB Heinzer

  In the evenings, I would start dinner shortly before the guys wrapped up for the day and they'd all wind up in our living room watching the start of the Trail Blazers' NBA season. Their screams, both cheering and criticizing, echoed through the open floor plan while I cleaned up after myself. It had become a routine I thrived on.

  And now, all of those routines were forced to shift again. There would be no one to care for, no chaotic noise coming from the living room. I was even going to miss cleaning up the beer bottles after Colton kicked the rest of them out at night. Yes, in just over two months I was turning into a regular June Cleaver. Well, if June Cleaver had four husbands and no kids.

  It took me two hours and sixteen minutes before reaching for my cell phone.

  I miss you. Kick ass out there tomorrow.

  We always do. Miss you.

  Miss you too. And you kick ass naturally when I'm there. Now you have to work for it.

  IDK, the kid's getting pretty good. If he could fill out those corsets you used to wear, I think we could make them believe he's you.

  Don't pick on him. He'll tell me and I'll kick your ass.

  Promise?

  You wish. Miss you.

  Love you, Maddie.

  I know.

  Just as I knew he meant it when he said he loved me, I knew it hurt him that I wouldn't say it back. Yes, I'd told him how I felt but until I knew I could trust him with my heart again, I couldn't say the words.

  Every night for the next seventeen days, Colton called me before he went to bed. If it was a show night, the call was late and I'd nap until the phone rang so I wouldn't fall asleep on the phone. He'd give me a full run-down of every song, every screw up, every person he talked to backstage. I think he did it trying to make me feel like I wasn't missing out. It had the opposite effect and I wanted to get back on the road more than anything.

  Two days before Thanksgiving, I was getting antsy waiting for Colton to call telling me he was on his way home. The band had a local show tonight and then five days off before making their way to the Midwest for most of December and, if I had my way, they'd left for the last time without me. Even if I didn't get on stage, there was no way I was going to sit around the condo for the better part of another month. They'd suffered long enough wondering whether or not I would get back on stage and it had gotten to the point where I think I was torturing myself more than them by staying cooped up without anyone to talk to.

  Persistent pounding on the front door pulled me out of my pity party. I hoisted myself off the white microfiber couch in the middle of Colton's living room, quickly pulling my messy hair into a ponytail as I tried to figure out who'd be stopping by unannounced.

  My heart lightened as I looked through the peephole to see my dad, Matt and Mike standing in the hall. “Oh, my god!” I squealed as I opened the door. “What are you doing here?”

  They seemed taken aback by my enthusiasm. I couldn't blame them. After six years of angst, there were days my new positive outlook on life shocked the hell out of me too.

  “Someone's obviously doing better,” Matt observed, scooping me off the ground for a long hug. “You look good, Moo.”

  As my dad pushed his way around us, he explained that Colton and Jon had made the arrangements for my family to come to Portland for Thanksgiving since it was the first holiday without Mom. Before I could finish giving them the grand tour, the front door opened again as Colton and the rest of the band wrestled their duffel bags into the living room.

  “Honey, we're home,” Travis called out. He and I were finally getting our friendship back to where it was before everything changed. We had a heart to heart talk where he told me he knew I wasn't dealing with what was thrown at me as well as I tried to let on and he was worried. Right or wrong, that led him to withdraw from me because he knew confronting me would have caused a fight and he didn't want that either. More than anyone including Colton, Travis knew how fragile I was inside and I loved him for that.

  “Jackass, if anyone's going to say that, it oughta be me since it is my house,” Colton joked. I heard the fridge open, followed by the clanking of beer bottles. I tried to hide my apprehension over the fact that my dad was here and they were drinking before noon. Just coming off the road, there was no way I would say anything to Colton about doing what he wanted to do in his own house.

  “Hey strangers,” I greeted them, handing out hugs to Jared, Travis and Jon before settling into Colton's side. He looked down at me as I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, curious but not willing to say anything to make me let go. When they left for this latest stint, he and I were still little more than friends.

  “Hey beautiful,” he said kissing the crown of my head. “I see extra luggage here. Does that mean our surprise beat us home?” He turned to see my dad and two oldest brothers standing on the balcony giving me a moment alone with the guys.

  “Yeah, they got here about twenty minutes ago.” I stood on my toes to kiss Colton's cheek. “Thank you.” Letting go of him, I made my way to Jon, giving him a hug and a kiss as well. “You guys didn't have to, you know.”

  Jon cupped my face in his strong hands. “When are you going to get it through that thick head of yours that there's very little we do because we have to? Colton wanted to do this for you. For all of you. So please, would you go over there, give the man a kiss and, later tonight, long after we all leave, show him how grateful you are to have your family out here?” I looked over my shoulder to see Colton glaring at Jon. “I'm serious, if you don't forgive him soon and have a marathon make-up sex session, I think he's going to blow.”

  “I'll see what I can do about that,” I laughed. As requested, I walked back to Colton and planted a hard kiss on his lips. He clasped his hands at the back of my waist pulling me tight against his body and I relaxed into him.

  Aware that we had company, including two overprotective brothers and my father, I broke the kiss, as much as I didn't want to. “I love you, Colton.”

  “Yeah?” He smiled, leaning down to brush his nose against mine. It was such a tiny, tender gesture but it made me smile.

  Even when he could have turned his back on me, when he probably should have walked away, he refused. Okay, so other than that one time, but if I'd learned anything in the past year it's that we're all human and we all make mistakes. True love means working through the mistakes to see if your love is strong enough to survive. I had a feeling that ours would be.

  “Yeah.” I kissed him softly, still leaning into his chest. “I tried not to but couldn't. And now you did this for me, how can I not love you?”

  “You hear that?” Colton said over my shoulder to the band. “Told you my plan to get her back would work.” I slapped his arm and everyone started laughing behind me. He looked down at me, “I'm kidding. I love you too. Now, I'm going to tell your family to get their asses in out of the cold. You guys coming tonight?”

  “Um, I kind of thought I might get up there again tonight,” I said, looking around to survey the reactions of my band mates. I worried that they didn't seem as eager to have me back as I was to be back. “Or not...”

  “Why don't you take this one last night off? If you think you're ready, you'll come with when we go back out and ease you back in.” Even though he wasn't much older than me, I was coming to see Jon as the father figure on the road. No matter what he did, it was because he thought it was the best for us. He worried about the stress sucking me back into a dark place. While I respected that, I didn't see that it'd make much of a difference.

  “Come on, my dad's here. Are you really going to deny him the opportunity to see me on stage again? Remember, he missed out on years of seeing me sing.” Yeah, I was playing dirty but I didn't care. I missed singing. I missed the adrenaline rush of being on stage. I missed all of it.

  “Exactly. Your dad's here. More than him missing out on seeing you sing, he's missed out on spending time with you. So please, for him, come and see us play tonight. Spend time with your family.
And then, once they go home, you're more than welcome if you think you're ready.” Okay, so I wasn't the only one who could resort to dirty tricks.

  “Jon's right, babe. Give your dad this time with Maddie. I'm sure that no matter how proud of you he is, he'd rather see Maddie than Rain.” Colton kissed me one last time before heading to the balcony.

  “Fine.” I rolled my eyes. There was no point fighting him. If I tried, I had no doubt Jon would get my brothers to take his side too. I sulked dramatically into the kitchen to start making lunch.

  There's no way to explain how much it sucks to get ready to go to a concert when you want to be up there playing and you're instead going as a spectator. Mike tried to bring me out of my pissy mood by telling me I could see the show from a different perspective and let the guys know what we could be doing different. Logical, but it didn't ease my mood one bit.

  I took one look at myself in the bathroom mirror and knew I looked damn good. I'd pulled out a pair of comfy black skater pants with a red plaid corset-style top. Unlike the corsets I'd been forced to wear by the bitch from hell, this one was comfy and completely me. Not to mention the low, scoop neckline would drive Colton crazy every time he caught a glimpse of me and I was looking forward to that last little bit of torture. The only part of my outfit that required thought was my footwear and I opted for my Skechers over my clunky combat boots. Being totally honest, there was a part of me still holding out hope that the guys would change their minds at the last minute and I'd be up there with them.

  The pre-Thanksgiving show was unlike any other. It wasn't in a huge arena; it was a more intimate gathering of about twenty-five hundred fans, most of whom had won tickets from various radio stations in the upper Northwest. Mark and Dale got to town about three hours before the show started and we went to dinner while the guys got ready.

  As much as I hated to admit it, Jon was right. I needed the time with my family to make things right with them and they needed some time with me being able to just be Maddie. Over dinner, my dad shared with me that he'd known since before Mom's cancer came back that he wasn't well. Heart disease apparently runs on his side of the family and years of ignoring the warning signs were catching up to him.

  When he told me that he'd come to terms with it and been okay with the thought of dying if it meant being with Mom again, I was crushed. Even with as low as I'd found myself in the past, I couldn't imagine being so lost that death would be a better option than living.

  As if that wasn't enough to deal with, he then said me coming home was the only reason he went back to the doctor and started taking his medication. He was terrified that, if he didn't, the family that was just coming back together would be shattered if we had to deal with losing him too. It wasn't outside the realm of possibility and I was thankful that he'd noticed that.

  Slightly bleary eyed from our emotional dinner with my eyeliner smudged but no longer running down my face after a trip to the ladies room, we made our way down the block for what I prayed was the last Blessed Tragedy concert I wasn't a part of.

  Not wanting to cause a scene but now eager to get the full concert experience, we made our way along the side of the stage after the lights went down and joined the front row of fans. Having cut my hair once again so it fell to mid-shoulder and opting for chocolate brown with caramel highlights instead of my usual bright dye jobs, no one immediately noticed me standing along the barricades.

  That is, until Colton spotted me. He walked back to Jon, pointing in my direction causing everyone to strain to see what had caused their little confab. With a few quick words to Travis and Jared, Colton made his way back to the front of the stage.

  “How's everybody doing tonight?” He asked. It was one of those questions we asked at every show that made me laugh. Just once, I wanted to see what would happen if he asked and the fans started screaming that the show sucked. I didn't want the show to suck, of course, but as a joke to see their reaction would be funny as shit.

  Of course, tonight wasn't the night for my twisted sense of humor to kick in and the crowd went wild. Even though it was a smaller crowd than normal, the energy was at max capacity. It was the type of crowd that made you want to stay up on stage and perform every song you ever learned to play, including Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

  “That's what we like to hear,” Colton shouted pumping his fist in the air. “Now, you might have noticed, we're short one very important person up here tonight,” he continued, looking down to me. “Rain's been taking personal time the past month or so and we're happy to announce that very soon, she'll be getting back on stage doing what she does best. But first, there's a little something us guys need to do for her.”

  I looked up at Colton, thoroughly confused and more than just a little nervous. He crooked a finger to call me up on stage. When I shook my head, he picked up the mic again. “Okay guys, apparently Rain's a little shy tonight and thinks she can hide out behind her brothers. How about I get a little help coaxing her to get her sweet little ass up here?”

  With more than two thousand people chanting my name, Matt picked me up, launching onto the waiting hands of the fans. Every show, I'd watch fans crowd surfing and wondered what it would feel like. It was a rush. A terrifying rush. A rush that left me feeling just a little violated with the places on my body that fans touched as they passed me to the middle of the crowd into the waiting arms of a security guard. Before I could settle on my feet, the guard hoisted me to Travis and Colton who were waiting to pull me onto the stage.

  “You're dead,” I yelled into Colton's ear so there was no doubt he could hear me around the ear plug. He smiled and kissed me on the cheek before setting me down.

  “So, here's the deal guys,” Colton said turning to the crowd. “Some shit went down a while ago and we were a bunch of assholes to Rain. So much so,” he looked at me and then back to Jon who nodded to him, “that we almost lost her. Not like she got upset and threw a tantrum, but like she let us know in writing that we'd fucked up. Bad. With a little bit of time and a whole hell of a lot of groveling, she's agreed to keep us around for a while.”

  Colton led me to the back of the stage where there was a tall riser. He lifted me onto it, giving me another deeper kiss before returning to his place. At this point, I my eyes were flitting from one band mate to the next trying to figure out what was going on.

  One of the techs brought Colton's acoustic onto the stage and he looked back at me as he adjusted the strap. “This song isn't one of ours, but we couldn't come up with the right words on our own this time. Hopefully she'll forgive us that.”

  As much as I hated being put on the spot, I couldn't help but melt just a little bit when I heard the opening chords of Sorry by Buckcherry. I didn't expect them to do anything publicly to apologize since we'd managed to keep most of the drama behind the scenes. This was all them trying to tell me what they felt in a great way.

  When the song ended, the audience erupted into applause and screaming as I made my way from one person to the next, telling each member of my band how much they meant to me. When I got to Colton, he wrapped his arm tight around me and whispered, “Don't think you're getting out of here that easy. Love you.”

  “Who thinks Rain needs to get her ass back to work right. Fucking. Now?” Jon yelled into his mic and the crowd got even louder. Annie appeared from the side of the stage with my ear monitors. I looked down to my brothers and my dad as we hooked up everything and saw them laughing at the stupefied look on my face. The wiggle of Dale's fingers told me everything I needed to know. This was all a setup. They knew exactly what was going to happen. And I loved them for it.

  I bowed out after three songs, knowing that I'd gotten up there cold, but those three songs were amazing. If it was possible, being up there with them felt more right than it ever had in the past.

  Epilogue

  Sitting at my mom's grave on the one year anniversary of her death, it still hurts like hell to know she's gone. I'll never get to see the look on her
face when I get done with a show. I'll never get to hear her tell me she's proud of me. Yes, it's incredibly selfish but I want those things for myself.

  As much as it hurts, I've stopped wishing that things were different. If I hadn't had the problems with my family, I probably wouldn't have turned to partying and drugs. Sure, life might be simpler if I wasn't a recovering addict, but it's that addiction that led me to Travis, and in turn to Blessed Tragedy.

  Joining the band opened so many doors for me it's impossible to list them all. Most importantly, Colton and I became best friends without any expectations of more. For a long time, that was enough for me.

  And it's because of my difficulties with my family that Colton and the guys refused to let me deal with Mom's death on my own. While I've never said as much to him, I think I fell in love with him the morning I got off the bus to come home. The way he was there for me even when I was pushing him away showed me the depth of his feelings for me.

  Losing my mother too soon will always be one of the most painful moments in my life. I wish like hell she was here every day, but today is, without a doubt, the worst.

  I wish she was here to help me get dressed. I wish she was here to meddle and worry about crazy things no one cares about. I wish she was here to give me that last piece of advice as I take my dad's arm for him to walk me down the aisle.

  The only comfort to be had from losing her is the thought that she's somewhere out there and had a hand in leading Colton and I together. I know, if she was here, she'd love him just as much as I do.

  “Thanks, Mom. For everything,” I whisper towards the sky. I place a single calla lily from my bouquet on her headstone so I know she'll be with me as I begin the rest of my life as Madeline Bradford, wife to Colton and still the biggest badass bitch in the business.