The Girl's Guide to the Apocalypse

by Daphne Lamb

  “You got her,” said a woman lounging on a broken-down leather recliner. She wore all black, had a cool leather patch over one eye and seemed bored by everything going on around her.

  “You seem so familiar that this is crazy,” I said. “I wore a Batman shirt once and everyone went nuts talking about you.”

  She shrugged. “Well, of course. You broke into my car and stole my Wheat Thins.”

  I snapped my fingers. “Yes! Of course! Stephanie, was it?”

  “It’s Batman.”

  “So what do you all do here?” Tatiana asked. “Are we an official thing? Do we have a purpose?”

  Stephanie held up her hand.

  “And what’s with the patch?” I said. “Did something happen?”

  “You’re not going to do something weird with our bodies are you?” Tatiana asked, her voice soft and halting.

  Stephanie shifted the eye patch so it so it covered more of her eye. “Do you think it looks better on the right or left side?” she said, turning her head. “I feel like it’s a little bit more badass on the right side.”

  “Your confidence pulls it off,” I said. “It doesn’t really matter.”

  “We’re still working on a name,” Stephanie said as she stood and stepped forward. She was tall, wore leather and scratched her eye under the patch. “So if you think of anything, let us know.”

  “We’re bringing chaos to the Apocalypse, yo!” one of the other girls yelled. She did a weird jiggly dance that I found awkward and smacked of trying too hard.

  I shook my head a little as did the rest of the gang.

  “Not now, JB,” said Batman. “Although I liked your passion.”

  JB sat on the floor with the rest of us.

  Stephanie pointed at me. “You’re that fire girl,” she said. “The one who kills men who betray her and harasses little kids.”

  “For the last time,” I said, annoyed. “I haven’t killed anyone. Any death that happened around me was purely coincidental. And that kid was stealing from me. Standing up for yourself is apparently a one-way ticket to rumors town.”

  “I wouldn’t be so modest,” Tatiana said. “She blew up the house that held our Lord Darren Warren and all his disciples.”

  “Don’t get me wrong,” Stephanie said. “I’m not criticizing you at all. The very opposite.” The tribe cheered, and Stephanie slapped me on the back hard. “That was us,” she said. “So let’s not get too braggy.”

  “No worries,” I said. “I had no intention. That’s really not me. Secondly, I don’t agree with this kind of behavior.”

  Brittany started to gently sob.

  Stephanie knelt next to me and stared at me hard with her one eye. “At least you recognize. And what kind of behavior?”

  “Arson,” I said. “It’s kind of violent.”

  She stared at me in uncomfortable silence.

  “It’s just not my kind of thing,” I said. “But that’s just me. Judeo Christian ethics and all.” I waved away my own awkwardness. “You probably have some well researched reasoning, though…”

  “If there’s a better way to make a point, I’d like to hear it,” Stephanie said. “Look at what we can do with few. Now with all of us we can take care of any force that comes against us.”

  “Stephanie—” I started.

  “Batman.”

  “And we’re sticking with the name Batman?” I asked.

  She unzipped her leather jacket and revealed a Batman t-shirt.

  She shook her head. “It’s just good branding. And I know—I was in marketing before the Incident.”

  “Didn’t I give you that name?” I asked. “That night when your UCLA buddy was going to kill me over a box of Wheat Thins.”

  “Ideas belong to everybody,” she snapped

  Tatiana and I nodded simultaneously. “Smart,” I said, hoping to appease her.

  Stephanie’s face instantly brightened as her mood changed. She stretched out her hand. “We’ve been looking for you. We’re mighty impressed with your portfolio, ma’am.”

  I sighed heavily. “You should know I haven’t actually killed anyone,” I said. “If there is one thing in this new society, I’m thankful I do not have to explain this in a court of law right now.”

  She crouched to my level. “You think we like it when people assume that when we start fires and burn places down that we’re just out to kill them too?” She stopped and thought about what she said. “Now that I say that out loud, I can kind of see where they might get that impression.”

  “Do you?” I asked.

  She nodded. “The point is, that’s not what we’re about at all. We’re just trying to rescue women in bad situations. We’re trying to teach others survival skills. Like, real survival skills. What we’ve been ingrained with is absolutely useless.”

  Everyone nodded.

  “Like, why am I monitoring my credit score when I should learn how to build a canoe?” she asked. “Or do my own dentistry?”

  JB stepped forward. “I can say that those two years at the Fashion Institute did come in handy. Because I made everyone’s uniforms.”

  “So what’s your real name again?” Rachel asked.

  “Stephanie,” I said.

  “Batman,” said our new leader.

  “No,” I said. “She meant your actual name.”

  “I knew what she meant.” The leader’s face grew very serious. “It’s Batman.”

  “Before the Incident.”

  Stephanie shrugged. “I’m giving a very clear and concise answer.”

  I nodded. “We’ll just call you Batman then.”

  Tatiana gave me a look. Brittany’s tears had dried and she looked at her as if one would watch a big sister get ready for the prom.

  “I think she’s wonderful,” she whispered into my ear.

  “Of course you do,” I said.

  “Where are we? Didn’t you used to have a dog?” I asked.

  Stephanie and her minions took us on a tour around the ranch and its grounds. It was dilapidated, but the plumbing still worked, albeit flakey, and there was a pretty friendly dog that let me pet it. Its tail slowly wagged when I scratched behind his ears. It was such a simple joy, but something I missed, and I felt an outpouring of love for that dog. I bent down after we were shown the weapons underground cellar and scratched all over his body. One of the girls stopped and watched it.

  “Maybe it doesn’t matter to you,” she said. “But that dog has some kind of skin virus. We don’t allow it inside.”

  I stood. “Good to know.”

  I immediately went to the nearest sink and scrubbed my hands for a good ten minutes fully enjoying the fact I could wash them.

  The grounds themselves were pretty desolate and I saw a few obscene things spray painted around, but overall, it was nice. JB mentioned that it happened to have once housed a serial killer commune at one point, but she wasn’t one hundred percent sure on that.

  I passed by the bathroom and went to use it, but JB stopped me.

  “You don’t want to use that,” she said. “It doesn’t work.”

  “So what are we doing?”

  JB smiled with hesitancy. “Do you know what composting is?” She pointed outside.

  I took a deep breath. “Oh, I don’t…I don’t know…”

  “Guess you’re just going to have to learn!” she chirped.

  I took another glance through the window and saw odd spray painted symbols.

  “JB,” I said. “What’s the deal with that weird graffiti?”

  She seemed uncomfortable. “Before the Incident, this was the hideout for the Paper Tiger Gang.”

  “Isn’t that that cult that was trying to build a spaceship out of other people’s house pets?”

  She seemed uneasy. “We don’t like to talk a
bout it.”

  With that she walked away.

  I toyed with getting confirmation on that urban legend, but in the argument for sleeping at night, I decided against it. It was away from the city, and it didn’t seem as if I had to fear of those roving gangs, given that I had been accepted into one that was just misunderstood.

  At night, we gathered in the main room of the house. There was a broken down couch with one good cushion and an old Navajo blanket, so we took turns all sitting on them for comfort. It felt civilized so I didn’t mind so much. Getting splinters and tiny rocks in my backside didn’t seem so bad knowing that my turn with the cushion and blanket were always coming.

  “You know,” I said. “It occurred to me that maybe if I give those closest to me a better goodbye, I’ll be able to face the future more grounded.”

  “It’s an interesting idea,” Rachel said. “So many people I wish I could have said goodbye to, even though I don’t like thinking we’ll never see them again.”

  We organized a mass funeral. We stuck sticks in the ground and wrote names corresponding to those we had lost. I made one for Jake, two for my parents and one for Bruce. We stood in a circle and each of us spoke of a memory of those being laid to rest. It came to my turn, and with hesitancy, I stepped forward.

  I heavily cleared my throat. “Jake,” I said. “You had a heart so big that too many tried to fit inside and broke it for good.”

  “What does that mean?” JB muttered.

  I gave her the side eye and continued. “Bruce,” I said. “You had a passion for something, which I mocked. Not that you were a lousy smug actor, but because you truly loved something, which if that could be formulated, well, would probably make the world better. Or something.”

  Brittany shook her head.

  “Look, I’m not very good at speeches,” I said defensively. “Now if I may continue.” I took a deep breath. “Mom and Dad,” I said. “I’m sorry we didn’t get along. I thought your wine and cheese gallery shows were silly, which I still stand by, but at least you tried to bring beauty into this world. I’m sorry you were embarrassed that I followed a boy to the opposite coast who thought a writing career was really going to pan out instead of a better dream that would have made you proud.”

  It was a lot of words that seemed to fall out of my mouth. I let them just float there in the air for a moment. Stephanie opened hers, but I realized I wasn’t done yet. So I held up my hand.

  “One more thing,” I said.

  “Jeez,” Stephanie muttered. I ignored that.

  “I’d like to apologize for my half-hearted attempts at survival and helping others,” I said. “All I’ve done is tag along with others and let decisions be made for me. Frankly, I’m lucky to be alive with that kind of attitude.”

  “Is that it?” Stephanie asked.

  I thought about it. “I guess so.”

  I stepped back into the group as Stephanie stepped forward. She shook her head.

  “Good thing that wasn’t the last speech of the night,” she said.

  * * *

  I had been there for about a week when Stephanie gathered us up and told us of another mission—there were three women they wanted to rescue out of a commune that had formed in the abandoned Costco that I left Robert in.

  “The strip club isn’t there anymore?” I asked.

  Stephanie shook her head. “Our scouts say that once they ran out of peanut butter and Wheat Thins, the business just fell apart. It got ransacked, and the women there are just living in fear. There’s even a baby.”

  I nodded. “Poor Robert Jr.,” I said. “I’m in. What’s the plan?”

  Stephanie gestured me over while drawing a rough sketch of the Costco property. “You have to help me on this one because I know you were there. What’s the leader like?”

  I sighed. “Be easy on him,” I said. “He’s probably just as confused as the rest of them. He can get overexcited and he likes risk management a lot.”

  “Agreed,” she said. “But I’m putting you in charge of him when we bring him back. He’ll have to do whatever you say or you can throw him out.”

  I nodded. “Maybe it won’t be that harsh, but I think we can pull it off.”

  Rachel raised her hand. “We should come up with a survival guide,” she said. “We can’t take every girl in, but maybe if we can give as many tools as we can, we can bond even stronger or at least give us better chances at survival.”

  Everyone liked that, and I volunteered to put it together.

  “Great, “Stephanie said. “You do that. Rachel, JB, Brittany, let’s go blow up a Costco.”

  “Do we have to blow it up?” I asked. “Seems a little extreme.”

  “No one listens to you until you’re blowing something up,” she said. “Watch a movie.”

  “Not every movie,” I said. “I don’t think any of that happened in Juno.”

  She folded her arms. “Just for that, you get to stay here and write the rule book.”

  I watched them leave. Rachel shrugged at me and mouthed the words, I’m sorry.

  * * *

  They returned early the next morning and only brought back Robert. I was sitting on the floor looking at maps of the southern California water lines, when there was a bang at the door. He wore a pillowcase over his head and his hands were bound. JB and Rachel dragged him in with confused looks on their faces. His feet dragged against the floor as he made a kind of whimper sound.

  “What’d you do to him?” I asked. “What happened to everyone else?”

  “He was by himself,” Rachel said. “He insisted on the head covering and that we tie him up. He wants us to know that he’s very bad—” She sighed heavily, then winced uncomfortably. “And wants to be punished.”

  Batman entered, looking tired and annoyed. “He begged us to bring him back with us. I wanted to leave him, but I guess we don’t always get what we want.”

  Robert stood helplessly still.

  “He can stay for a little while, right?” I said. “Maybe earn his keep? Car repairs or something?”

  Robert snorted under his pillowcase.

  Batman rolled her eyes. “He doesn’t get to sleep on the furniture. And if he has a mother to look for, we only go find her after we’ve found all of ours first.”

  “Deal,” I said.

  “Whatever it is,” he said. “I’ll face up to what I’ve done. Just FYI, I have very tender nipple buds so you should probably start there first.”

  Batman and Rachel rolled their eyes.

  “I’m out of here,” Batman said, marching outside. Rachel followed. JB eyed him curiously and crept up to him. She inhaled deeply.

  “What are you doing?” I said.

  She shook her head. “Just been a long time since I’ve been around a man. I wondered if they still smelled the same.”

  She held her hand up lingering over his chest, but didn’t touch him. She exhaled with choppy giggly breaths. “Don’t know what’s coming over me.”

  “I do,” Robert said, his voice a little muffled. “Go where your heart tells you darling.”

  She leaned in but I jumped up and held her back. I didn’t want to know where this was going.

  “JB,” I said. “Maybe this can wait for another time.”

  She breathed a sigh of relief. “I just wasn’t ready. Someday I will be again.”

  “Of course.”

  She skittered out of the room. I ripped off the pillowcase. He looked with excitement at first, but then his face registered that it was me standing in front of him.

  “Oh,” he said. “It’s you. I should have known that the one funsucker left would follow me wherever I went.”

  “What are you so bummed about?” I asked. “Did you have an application in to a better gang?”

  He shrugged looked around. “No one’s
wearing anything skimpy. Thought maybe you guys wanted to get some aggression out, but I see you’ve put a stop to that. ”

  His voice just sort of trailed off. I rolled my eyes.

  “No one’s going to make you stay.”

  “Fine,” he said heavily. “That Costco’s a dump, everyone left and I lost everything, including my risk management book, so might as well. Get me out of this.”

  He held up his wrists. Begrudgingly, I picked up a nearby pair of scissors and cut him out of it. He put his hands in his pockets and took everything in.

  “You guys renting this place or…”

  “Let me show you where your room is,” I said.

  I took him to my bedroom and gestured to a blanket on the floor and his little makeshift desk.

  “As of right now, you work for me,” I said. “And we have work to do.”

  “I need guidance from somewhere,” he said weakly. “I feel lost without the guidance of my book.”

  He stared off into the landscape which was dusty and barren. His face had changed so much from when all of this started. He had aged but his mouth trembled like a scared little boy.

  “You don’t need that book,” I said, tenderly touching his arm, at a loss for how distraught and helpless he looked. “You have the answers now. So now you can help guide us.”

  He processed what I said and it seemed to give him a license to some joy. He then took in the cracked and crumbling walls, the burned carpet and my sadly dirty yet superior bed to his own.

  “My wives left me,” he said. “Rebecca ran away with that girl who had a baby and said something about how the world doesn’t need men anymore. They called themselves Women Who Run With The Wolves or something like that.”

  “And do what?”

  He shrugged. “Interior design maybe? I don’t know.”

  He sat on my bed. “I don’t know where they’re going to get the start up. It’s a down market for home improvement, I think.”

  He cleared his throat. “So what’s on the list of things to do?”

  “We’re going to go out and find our families,” I said confidently, thinking he’d respond to the humanity of it.

  Instead he shrugged. “I was hoping you were going to say pillow fights or mud wrestling.”