The Girl's Guide to the Apocalypse

by Daphne Lamb

  I withdrew, annoyed.

  “Really?”

  His face brightened up. “Kidding. Honestly. I’m looking forwards to knowing what priorities actually are.”

  I stared down at him, his sadness and loneliness practically sliding off his dirty clothes and onto my rumpled bed.

  “Robert,” I said.

  He held up his hand. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll work for you, but no overtime, and if you think I’m going to bring you guys lunch, you can just forget it.”

  I sat on a cinder block across from him.

  “I’m going to interview you,” I said. “Now, where do you see yourself in five years?”

  “That’s funny.” He smiled. I handed him some paper.

  “So you want to know how to find people?” he said. “Fight weird losers who worship cartoon characters?”

  “Not exactly,” I said, brushing off the comment. “We’re writing a survival guide.”

  He looked at the paper and frowned. “The Girls Guide to the Apocalypse?” he asked. “What about my needs? Where’s the guide being marketed to my demographic?”

  “We’ll add a chapter about strip club management if you want,” I said. “But for now, just write down what I say.”

  He shrugged and held the pen over paper. I saw Rachel and Brittany hovering nearby, peeking through the doorway. I cleared my throat. Brittany scampered away like a skittish deer but Rachel leaned herself up against the doorframe.

  “Chapter one,” I said. “I think we should talk about finding a water source. Remember how important that was at that one house?”

  He squinted his eyes. I could see he was thinking hard. “Was it? I seem to remember finally having to use those conflict resolution skills HR was always bugging me about.”

  I thought back to everything that had happened and didn’t know how we were going to fit everything in all at once.

  He shook his head. “Nope, I’ve got it,” he said. “Being flexible to change. That’s what you should start with.”

  I nodded, and he happily scribbled it down. Rachel gave me a thumbs-up as I cleared my throat and started to dictate.

  “Chapter one,” I said.

  Robert wrote a few letters and sighed. “Oh, that reminds me. You wouldn’t happen to know a Marilyn Sonobe, would you?”

  I froze at the sound of my mother’s name. “What about her?”

  He shrugged casually. “She came in looking for work, but I didn’t have anything. So I sent her out north where they’ve got that Sam’s Club being run by that group that calls themselves Soldiers of Anthrax.”

  I stood up, fear and horror washing over me.

  “Sonobe,” he said. “Not a common name. I immediately thought of you.”

  I ripped the paper out of his hands. “We have to go. Right now.”

  He folded his arms. “We write your guide,” he said defiantly. “Then we go.”

  I shoved the paper at him. “Write fast, you jerk.”

  Acknowledgments

  Thanks go to my Mom. Not only has she been a source of encouragement and support, but she’s the one who instilled my love of story and writing to begin with.

  Thanks to those of my closest friends who are always willing to listen, give notes and patiently nod to every story idea I have – no matter how bonkers or ill advised it may seem.

  Finally, thanks to my wonderful team at Booktrope, Kellie, Briana, Marisa and Greg. Without them, this book would probably be sitting in a dark drawer somewhere.

  About the Author

  Daphne Lamb was raised in Colorado but now calls Los Angeles home where she writes and performs comedy. She lives in an apartment building that also houses a few D-list celebrities who will not allow her to hang out with them. She loves bad movies, science fiction and looks forwards to someday owning a cat.

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