The Adventures of a Wimpy Superhero

by Tim Collins

  A burly man with a shaved head leaned over from the passenger seat. ‘It’s just a kid messing around. Let’s go.’

  The man’s voice was very high and squeaky and didn’t seem to fit his body. There was something else weird about it that I couldn’t place. Then it came to me. This was the same voice we’d heard talking to Vercetti on the phone.

  I needed time to process this, but I didn’t have any. Why would this man have been talking to the very person who was trying to steal from him?

  Of course! It was an inside job! These men knew their truck would be robbed! They must have been working with Vercetti’s gang in exchange for a share of the profits. I had to act fast before they drove to the crossroads and the rest of the League risked their lives trying to help them.

  ‘I’ve been sent by Vercetti,’ I said. ‘The police are onto us. He’s called the job off.’

  The driver and the man with the high voice exchanged nervous glances.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ said the driver.

  ‘Never heard of him,’ said the man with the high voice.

  Nonetheless, they reversed about a hundred metres and drove away. A few minutes later, Dan’s van pulled up next to me and I jumped in.

  TUESDAY 16TH FEBRUARY

  I’m back from school now and I want to sleep for a million years. Today passed in a haze of exhaustion and I’m just glad I didn’t fall asleep on a Bunsen burner or something.

  We had a very awkward journey back last night. Everyone was still in a bad mood after the argument. Dan was gripping his taser gun really tightly and I was worried he was going to fire it at the Amazing family.

  They all cheered up when I told them what had happened, partly because they were pleased with my quick thinking and partly because I’d discovered it was an inside job, so it didn’t matter that they’d messed up.

  ‘We could have risked our lives to protect those drivers,’ said Dan. He was clutching the taser so tightly his knuckles were white. ‘It turns out they were just criminal scum like all the others.’

  It felt great to be the best hero in the league for once, and trudging through today as a sleep-deprived zombie was a small price to pay.

  UPDATE

  We had another meeting of the League tonight, even though we were all tired, and everyone thanked me again. Dan, Mr Amazing and Mrs Amazing all apologized for letting their argument distract them.

  As a result of the row, Dan has agreed that the League will try and fight the underlying causes of crime as well as criminals themselves. We’re going on a special mission to combat them tomorrow night.

  In the meantime, Doctor infinity has been intercepting more of Vercetti’s calls. Apparently, he’s really angry with the truck drivers for backing out of the plan and he’s sent his henchmen after them.

  They’ll probably do something horrible like set their feet in concrete and throw them in a river, but I have no sympathy. They shouldn’t have got involved with crime in the first place.

  At the end of the meeting, Dan announced some great news. As punishment for neglecting his duty during the mission, he’s demoting Mr Amazing from deputy leader, and giving me the role instead!

  I can’t believe I’ve been made deputy leader of the The East Dudchester League of Costumed Vigilantes (incorporating The Central Region Masked Crime-Fighters Society). That would look great on my future college applications if it weren’t top secret.

  WEDNESDAY 17TH FEBRUARY

  At lunchtime I sat alone on the bench at the edge of the playing field and brooded over my new responsibilities. But I was too excited about them to do any proper brooding.

  Deputy leader! That’s amazing for someone my age!

  Henry sat next to me and nibbled his sandwiches. I knew he’d come running back when he failed to make any new friends.

  I was trying really hard not to tell him anything about the League, but I was so excited I couldn’t keep quiet. I told him all about the truck heist and my promotion to deputy leader.

  This must have made him jealous because he went off on a bizarre flight of fancy about his own imaginary league. He said they were going to fake an alien invasion of Earth to unite all the governments of the world, which is an idea he stole from Astonishingboy issues 736–740. If he’s going to tell ridiculous lies, he should at least avoid taking them from comics he knows I’ve read.

  UPDATE

  After school I met up with the rest of the League for our first mission to tackle the underlying causes of crime. We went for a coffee and managed to get the sofas at the back, which was quite a result. Dan didn’t turn up, which was very disappointing.

  Amazagirl showed us a study she’d printed from the internet that said the underlying causes of crime are poverty, poor education and bad anger management. Then we went out into the streets where people suffering from these things were most likely to be.

  We found a group of young children kicking a ball around who looked as though they might be poor. Mr Amazing gave them a moving speech about how crime doesn’t pay. Unfortunately, rather than listening to him, they challenged each other to hit him in the face with their ball.

  Mr Amazing’s lecture might not have seemed like a huge success, but maybe one day one of those children will be on the verge of committing a crime and they’ll remember the wise things he said as they aimed the ball at his head.

  THURSDAY 18TH FEBRUARY

  I totally forgot we had my parent–teacher interviews tonight. They were much worse than usual, and Mum and Dad seemed concerned as we drove home. I told them I was just going through a rebellious teenage phase and to prove it I undid my seat belt. Dad pulled up at the side of the road and refused to go any farther until I put it back on.

  I wish I could tell them what I’ve really been up to. They’d be really proud to find out that not only have I joined a costumed vigilante gang, but I’ve been made deputy leader.

  That’s much more impressive than getting a good school report. But it would worry them too much. If they won’t let me ride without a seat belt, I doubt they’d be pleased to hear I’m sneaking out at night to battle criminal gangs.

  FRIDAY 19TH FEBRUARY

  We went back out to tackle the underlying causes of crime tonight and once again, Dan didn’t show up.

  This time we patrolled the bars in the town centre, looking for poorly educated people so we could persuade them not to commit crimes.

  We spotted a group of men outside a bar who looked like they might fit the bill, and Pi confirmed this by asking them some basic trigonometry questions. None of them had any idea what he was going on about.

  Mr Amazing began his lecture, but the men got the wrong end of the stick and thought he was accusing them of having already committed some crime. When he explained he was talking to them because they looked like they might become criminals, they got up from their table and started pushing him.

  I tried to create a distraction by throwing Lonersnaps, but this only angered the men further.

  When they threatened to punch us, we took a group decision to run away and hide behind a wall. Mr Amazing announced that as well as being poorly educated, the men also had anger management issues, which meant we’d now tackled all three underlying causes of crime and could go home.

  SATURDAY 20TH FEBRUARY

  Massive crime alert! Doctor Infinity and Pi have intercepted more of Vercetti’s calls and found his men are going to rob the bank at the top of the high street on Wednesday afternoon.

  It’s a huge job and Vercetti’s even had to hire a technical advisor of his own. Doctor Infinity hacked a call where he was telling a man to design a machine that can change traffic lights.

  Vercetti wants to trap all the other vehicles on side streets so his gang can make a clear getaway down the high street. This has made Pi really competitive and he’s been working on a light-changing machine of his own. He wants to reverse the plan and block the street with traffic so the criminals can’t get away. Doctor I
nfinity will then use his remote control to lock the doors of the truck and trap the criminals inside until the police get through.

  I can’t believe Vercetti has a technical advisor too. Any scientist working for the enemy must be an evil one, and if comics have taught me anything, it’s that you can’t trust evil scientists. One minute they’ll be designing a traffic light machine, the next they’ll be developing a formula to make extra limbs sprout from their body.

  I’ve been given the responsibility of helping Dan clear innocent pedestrians out the way, and the Amazing family have been given nothing to do but take the register and stay as far back as possible. These roles fairly reflect my promotion and Mr Amazing’s demotion, but he got offended and demanded more responsibility. Dan said he could look out for escaped farm animals, which only made him more annoyed.

  Amazagirl went off on another one of her rants, probably because she was jealous too.

  ‘I’ve got a better idea,’ she said. ‘Why don’t we just stay away and let the criminals rob the bank? Even if they succeed, insurance companies will cover it. No individuals will lose any money.’

  ‘This is about doing what’s right and protecting the innocent,’ said Dan. He pressed his hands to his temples. ‘That’s what we vowed to do when we started this league.’

  ‘If we want to protect the innocent, it would be better to stay away,’ said Amazagirl. ‘They’re much more likely to get hurt if a bunch of vigilantes show up. The worst that will happen if we let the robbery go ahead is the bank might have to pay slightly more insurance in the future, and why would that matter? Everyone hates banks these days.’

  ‘It’s about justice!’ shouted Dan. His face was pretty much purple now.

  Dan was so angry we all had to leave while he used his gym, and I gave Amazagirl a stern glare on the way out. We’d been having a very enjoyable meeting about an important mission, and she’d ruined it for everyone again.

  SUNDAY 21ST FEBRUARY

  Amazagirl’s rant has been on my mind today. I know she only said it to annoy Dan, but it did sort of make sense. I looked online and it turns out she was telling the truth about the insurance companies paying out when banks are robbed.

  It certainly puts my old Astonishingboy comics in a different light. In issue 871, he destroys an entire neighbourhood just to foil a bank robbery. He hurls cars and trucks at Vex Valour’s henchmen, smashing up countless office blocks and shopping malls.

  In other words, he causes millions of dollars of damage to innocent people’s property just to save the bank a few thousand dollars. Maybe it would have been better if he hadn’t bothered at all.

  But if we let one criminal gang get away with robbing a bank, everyone would do it and then where would we be?

  Hang on a minute, I think I’m having a moral dilemma, like in Thurston Baxton’s controversial run on the Ratman comic. I need to stand on top of a tall building and do some brooding.

  UPDATE

  The nearest tall buildings I could find were the high-rise blocks on the edge of Raven’s Green. I climbed up the stairs of one and was about to open the door to the roof when I noticed it was alarmed. I tried brooding in the stairwell instead, but the smell of urine put me off.

  I didn’t really need to brood anyway, because I’d already made my mind up not to worry.

  I remembered Ratman issue 764. It starts with him as a young superhero rescuing a child from an apartment block fire. At the end we find out that the child he rescued grew up to become his nemesis the Electric Eel.

  At first he wonders if he really should have left the child to burn. But after a spot of rooftop brooding he decides it was the right thing to do, even if it had bad consequences. Superheroes must always do what’s right and avoid worrying about what will come.

  Stealing is wrong, and we must prevent it because we’re on the side of right. If we brood too much over complicated things, it will distract us from our duty.

  That’s enough brooding. It’s time to dish out some justice.

  MONDAY 22ND FEBRUARY

  Henry sat next to me in physics this morning and asked me for the latest news about the League. I wish I’d never told him anything now. I only blabbed about it because I was excited about becoming deputy leader. I told him I could never speak of it again.

  I distracted him by asking him about his imaginary league. He spouted some rubbish about how they were going to save the world from nuclear attack by hurling a stray missile into a wormhole. He stole that idea from Steel Man issue 374, by the way.

  TUESDAY 23RD FEBRUARY

  This is all getting really serious. I’m going to be on the scene of an actual bank robbery tomorrow. The closest I’ve come to witnessing such a serious crime before was when I saw Steel Guy II in IMAX 3D.

  This will be the first League mission during school hours, so I’m going to have to fake a sick note. That feels quite wrong, even though I’m doing it for the greater good.

  The criminals are going to rob the bank shortly after it opens at 9.30 a.m. I’m glad, because this means all the crime-fighting will be over by the time Mum and Dad return from work at half five. The last thing I want is to let the criminals escape because it’s my turn to set the table for dinner.

  I’m going to have to put my costume on in Dan’s bathroom, which will be inconvenient. I’d feel much better if I could turn up to his house as The Loner, but I can’t think of anywhere to get changed along the way.

  Astonishingboy changes in public callboxes and the revolving doors of office blocks, but neither would be good for me. There aren’t any callboxes left in our town, and I really can’t see the whole revolving door thing working.

  WEDNESDAY 24TH FEBRUARY

  Dan looked annoyed when I arrived at his door without my costume this morning, and pushed me into the bathroom to change.

  Mrs Amazing said Amazagirl wasn’t coming because it was a school day, which enraged Dan further. I was glad she wasn’t there, though. You need to think positively when you’re battling crime, and that’s hard if you’re surrounded by moaners.

  We climbed into the van and Pi switched on his traffic light changing device. ‘Let’s get out there and Tungsten, Holmium, Oxygen, Phosphorus, Arsenic, Sulphur!’

  Doctor Infinity snorted out a laugh and I tried to join in, but I must have looked confused.

  ‘Pi just spelt out the words “Whoop Ass” in chemical symbols,’ said Doctor Infinity. ‘He likes to tell chemistry jokes periodically.’

  ‘And they usually get no reaction,’ said Pi.

  They both started laughing again. I felt slightly better about doing badly on my test the other week, because I was clearly learning some science stuff now.

  We arrived outside the bank at twenty past nine and took our positions. Dan and Doctor Infinity lurked on either side of the building, while I waited across the street and Pi went off to change the traffic lights. Meanwhile, Mr and Mrs Amazing took the register and stood really far back from the bank, folding their arms and scowling.

  The doors of the bank opened and a few people wandered in. I hoped these innocent, unsuspecting members of the public wouldn’t get caught up in the deadly events to follow. Or that they would, but I’d rescue them in a really heroic way.

  A white truck sped down the road and slammed to a halt outside the bank, in a restricted parking zone. The criminals had already broken parking laws. They clearly meant business.

  A side door flew open and two men with stockings over their heads leapt out and ran into the bank. They were carrying what looked like shotguns, but I tried not to think about them. I was pretty sure Henry’s mum hadn’t used shotgun-proof Lycra for my costume. Anyway, I wasn’t here to worry about my own safety. I was here to protect the public.

  The only member of the public on my side of the street was an old lady carrying a few heavy shopping bags. I told her to evacuate the area, but she started hitting me with her bags, so I got out her way. She didn’t look like she needed much protection anyway.


  I heard shouting from further down the street. I turned round and saw Pi yelling at a man with glasses and long hair who was standing next to a set of traffic lights and clutching a small plastic box.

  This must have been Vercetti’s technical advisor. He didn’t look much like a mad scientist. Instead of wearing a white coat and laughing at some bubbling liquid, he had long puny arms sticking out of his black t-shirt and was hunched over his remote control device.

  He shoved Pi and Pi pulled his hair in retaliation. He yanked Pi’s cape, almost dragging him over. Pi swiped the man’s glasses off and threw them to the ground. One of the lenses popped out and rolled into the gutter.

  This was turning into a full-on nerd fight, like the one Henry had with a boy called Alan at the role-playing games club. We managed to settle that one with a twenty-sided dice, but this wasn’t going to be over anytime soon.

  This was partly because they’d both worked themselves into a rage and partly because they kept missing each other when they tried to strike. I doubted the technical advisor could have done much damage to Pi even if he had sprouted extra limbs.

  I ran over to the brawling dweebs and scooped Pi’s remote control from the ground. I examined the black box as I rushed over to the first set of traffic lights. It seemed simple enough. There was a red button and a green button. I just needed to turn all the lights green and gridlock the road with traffic, so the criminals couldn’t escape.

  I pointed the box at the lights and pressed the green button. They turned green right away. I repeated this with the lights on the other side of the street.