The Adventures of a Wimpy Superhero

by Tim Collins

  I sprinted down the street, switching all the lights to green. I forced myself to go as fast as I could, knowing that I needed to get through them all before the criminals were out. I had to jam the road completely to foil their getaway.

  I was almost at the end of the street when I heard the first smash. A red sports car had crashed into the side of a truck and I could hear blaring horns. The drivers got out and yelled in each other’s faces.

  There was a screech of brakes and I turned to see a green car crunch into a delivery van. On the crossing opposite, a motorbike slammed into the side of a taxi. The biker slid across the floor, got up and pounded the driver’s window.

  That’s when I realized why Pi had included the red button on his remote. Every time I switched a set of lights to green, I should have turned the ones next to them red. By letting drivers from all directions speed across the junctions, I’d done more than gridlock the street; I’d turned it into a scene of car crash carnage. Whoops.

  At the top of the street, the robbers rushed out of the bank, bundled into their vehicle and drove forward. They got just a few metres before getting trapped behind a bus and a flatbed truck that had slammed into each other.

  I saw Doctor Infinity circling the criminals’ truck with his remote control.

  So our plan was pretty much working. Give or take the odd car crash and nerd fight, the mission was going fine.

  THURSDAY 25TH FEBRUARY

  My parents kept the news on while we were eating last night, which is rare for them. They have a weird thing about us sitting around the table and eating with no television or phones. But last night they were too hooked on the news to turn it off.

  Watching coverage of the robbery made me really nervous, and it was even more of a struggle than usual to force down Dad’s tuna pasta bake.

  I kept expecting them to announce that someone had been killed in one of the crashes and I’d be driven mad with guilt, like in Ratman issue 616 where he fails to save the burning hospital so he can capture Crossword Clue.

  But the only civilian injury they reported was a motorcyclist who broke his wrist. I think I’ll be able to cope with the guilt about that. One of them nearly went over my foot with his front wheel once, so if anything it counts as vengeance.

  I think I got away with my little traffic mistake, as none of the reports mentioned mysterious masked figures messing with the lights. Everyone seems to believe the car crashes happened because of the robbery and I’m happy to let them think it.

  The mission was a big success overall. The robbers were caught and the money was returned. The technical advisor fled the scene as soon as things went wrong for the criminals, which means Pi won his first ever fight.

  As for the collateral damage, it was nothing compared to the destruction unleashed on New York when Astonisingboy fought the Typhoon, or the damage inflicted on downtown LA when Steel Guy fought fifty clones of himself. So by superhero standards we did pretty well.

  FRIDAY 26TH FEBRUARY

  Henry saw the robbery on the news and he suspects the League were involved. He sat next to me in English and kept asking me why I was off school on Wednesday. For someone who can’t open a mayonnaise sachet without spurting it into his eyes and having to go to the school nurse, he can be quite clever sometimes.

  To distract him from his suspicions, I reignited our old dispute about who would win in a fight between Ratman and Astonishingboy. We argued about this for over three hours on the way back from the Science Museum last year.

  The answer is Astonishingboy, obviously. He can fly, he can spit out deadly fire or ice, he can read minds, he can duplicate himself and he can throw his logo at enemies and trap them inside it. He’s basically an alien who landed on our planet and stuck around to protect us.

  Ratman, on the other hand, is a rich guy with lots of expensive stuff. There’s nothing supernatural in his universe if you believe an umbrella can be modified into a working helicopter, which I do.

  Every time I explain one of Astonishingboy’s powers to Henry, he comes up with a gadget to beat it. There’s never any scientific basis for these inventions; he just makes up something stupid like the fire-guarder, the ice-melter or the mind-protector and thinks he’s won the argument.

  I even brought in my rare copy of Astonishingboy issue 273 once, which proves he can explode objects by staring at them. That should have killed the argument for good, because he could instantly blow up any device Ratman built. But Henry spent all afternoon designing a force field that would cancel it out.

  I realized he was incapable of having a serious conversation on the subject and had vowed never to discuss it with him again. But I broke my vow today and forced myself to listen to his ridiculous opinions. It was a small price to pay to draw his attention away from the League.

  SATURDAY 27TH FEBRUARY

  Amazagirl turned up to our League meeting today, unfortunately. She stays away when there’s actual danger, then comes along to criticize us in the safety of Dan’s house.

  She went on and on about how we’d messed up the mission and caused lots of damage. She called my little mishap with the traffic lights idiotic, which was harsh. I’d had to think on my feet because Pi got sidetracked by his nerd fight. I think I did pretty well in the circumstances.

  She told Dan we should stop going on such dangerous missions, but he said that would send out the wrong message to criminals. Instead of keeping us away from danger, he’s going to give us technology training so we’re all better equipped to cope with mishaps on future missions.

  Amazagirl wasn’t happy, but I’m really looking forward to it. If I add technological expertise to my natural abilities, I’m bound to become one of the greatest superheroes in the world. Plus, knowing about technology is a useful skill in the modern workplace, so it will give me something to fall back on if we eradicate crime and I have to change career.

  SUNDAY 28TH FEBRUARY

  We were let into Doctor Infinity and Pi’s secret workshop this afternoon for our technology training. I expected it to be a gleaming laboratory with chrome surfaces and bright lighting, but it was a windowless shed under Dan’s garden that smelled of stale food.

  He built it a few years ago when he became convinced North Korea were about to drop a nuclear bomb on our town. He locked himself in and survived on baked beans for four weeks before emerging to find that not only was the town safe, but his neighbour was blocking the driveway with his campervan. It was one of the most disappointing days of his life.

  Dan didn’t join us for the technology training, because he knows it all already, but the Amazing family all came. Amazagirl sulked as if she were on a school trip to the ironing museum. That proves she’s moody all the time, because there was some really great stuff in there.

  There was a large beige machine at the back of the room and I asked Pi about it.

  ‘It’s an X-ray machine we got from a hospital,’ he said. ‘Dan wanted us to build a gadget that could give him X-ray vision, but it turned out X-ray vision isn’t very useful for catching criminals. Unless they’re small, made of metal and have been accidentally swallowed.’

  There was a brilliant thing that looked like a red suit of armour and I asked about that.

  ‘It was meant to protect Dan against enemy attacks,’ said Doctor Infinity. ‘We were supposed to transmit instructions into the headset while he was battling villains. But the suit was too heavy and the signal kept cutting out. He had to keep climbing trees to get reception and it made him too tired to fight crime.’

  Best of all was a metal backpack with two large rockets attached. ‘That’s a jetpack we developed to make Dan fly, but it was too powerful. He only tried it a few times and he ripped down so many overhead power cables that it led to a blackout across town. Plus it caused a lot of serious fires, and there isn’t much airborne crime around here anyway.’

  Pi then took us through some of their more successful inventions. He showed us the remote control for locking car doors and
windows, the one for controlling traffic lights, and one that could freeze elevators between floors.

  After introducing each similar black plastic device, he passed them round for us to examine.

  I kept looking over at the jetpack and wondering if they’d let me incorporate it into my costume. Even if I took down a few power lines and caused the odd fire it would be worth it to become an actual flying hero like Astonishingboy. I’d definitely swoop past Henry’s bedroom window just to see the look on his face.

  Doctor Infinity handed me another black plastic device and I prodded a large red button on the front of it. I heard a scream next to me and saw Amazagirl collapse to the floor with a tranquilizer dart in her neck.

  It turned out Pi had been explaining that this was a compact dart gun and we shouldn’t press any of the buttons on it. Whoops.

  We had to abandon the rest of the technology training while Mr and Mrs Amazing took Amazagirl home to sleep it off.

  I thought Dan would be really angry with me for failing to pay attention, but he was actually quite pleased. He said that tranquilizing Amazagirl was the most heroic thing I’d done so far.

  MONDAY 29TH FEBRUARY

  This morning I handed over my fake note for missing school on Wednesday and Mr Singh didn’t question it. I didn’t even feel nervous handing it over, which shows how far I’ve come. Last year I’d never have been able to give him a forged note without blurting out a confession and begging for forgiveness.

  It’s just as well I didn’t base my superhero identity around good attendance, because I’m sure I’ll have to miss many more days as my battle against crime goes on.

  I really hope a massive crime doesn’t happen in the school grounds, because I’ll have to run away and change into my Loner costume to combat it. Everyone will think I’ve fled the scene in fright, when really I’ll be protecting them. It’s a classic superhero problem.

  UPDATE

  Crime alert! Dan has found out that Vercetti’s men are going to blow up the ATM outside the cinema on Friday. They’re going to use a suitcase bomb to blow the front off the machine so they can grab all the money inside.

  We held an emergency brainstorming session tonight to decide how we were going to thwart this fiendish crime. Amazagirl’s idea was for me to jump on top of the suitcase and sacrifice myself by taking the force of the explosion.

  This was rejected, I’m pleased to report.

  Dan’s idea was to pour gasoline into the cash point so the bomb triggers a massive fire, leaving no money for the criminals to steal. Amazagirl pointed out that it would be less damaging just to let the thieves take the cash. She always has to spoil the fun.

  Pi came up with the plan we went for. He’s going to invent a device that will deactivate the suitcase bomb. It will use a ‘brute-force’ attack, which means it will run through all the possible passcodes until it hits the right one.

  As soon as the criminals plonk their bomb in front of the ATM, we’re going to grab it and render it harmless with Pi’s machine. All he has to do is make sure his device is fast enough to run through all the possible combinations before the bomb goes off.

  It all sounds pretty safe. I think.

  Amazagirl refused to go, which was no surprise. But Mr and Mrs Amazing tried to wriggle out of it too. They said there wasn’t any clear role for them in the mission, which doesn’t usually stop them tagging along and sharing in our glory. I think they’re just scared because they’ll be in a van with a bomb that might go off.

  Dan threatened to banish them from the League if they didn’t come, and I think that’s only fair. You can’t choose your battles against crime. You either hate it or you love it.

  Mr and Mrs Amazing are just going to have to accept that being a costumed vigilante involves bigger risks than rescuing startled piglets.

  TUESDAY 1ST MARCH

  Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m a little worried about the bomb too.

  There have been a few small problems with my superhero adventures so far: I’ve tranquilized myself, I’ve tranquilized Amazagirl and a motorcyclist has broken his wrist. But that’s pretty much it.

  If this mission goes wrong, my head will end up in a different county from my feet and they’ll have to identify me from the dental records. I trust Dan to make the right decision and I trust Pi to build a good machine, but I also wish we’d agreed on a less risky plan. Like running away and hiding.

  WEDNESDAY 2ND MARCH

  I turned up early for the meeting at Dan’s house today and found him sewing a layer of tinfoil into the lining of his balaclava. He said the government tries to control your mind with secret messages and the only way to shield yourself is to cover your head with tinfoil.

  He offered to sew some into my mask, but I declined. I know tinfoil is good for protecting sandwiches, but I’m pretty sure it can’t be used to protect thoughts.

  At any rate, Dan should be worried about deadly bomb fragments entering his head rather than government messages. Sometimes I worry about the sort of leader I’m entrusting my life to on these missions.

  When everyone had arrived we went into the weapons lab to see Pi’s bomb-deactivating machine in action.

  Doctor Infinity rigged up a fake suitcase bomb and Pi held a small black plastic device over it. The timer on the suitcase bomb counted down from ten and green lights on Pi’s device flickered as it ran through all the possible codes.

  The timer of the fake bomb reached zero and the word ‘BANG’ flashed up on the display.

  ‘It was working fine before,’ muttered Pi. He smacked the side of the device.

  Doctor Infinity set the timer for thirty seconds and they tried again. This time the machine’s lights cut out halfway through.

  ‘That’ll be the batteries,’ said Pi. ‘I’ve been using it quite a lot today.’

  He unscrewed a hatch on the back and replaced four batteries. It wasn’t comforting to know that they’d stand between us and death on Friday.

  Next, Doctor Infinity set the timer for five minutes and Pi held his machine over it. The countdown had gone all the way down to twenty-seven seconds when it stopped and the word ‘CANCELLED’ flashed on the screen.

  Dan started a round of applause, but my hands were trembling too much to join in.

  I feel better now, though. As long as the criminals set the timer on their bomb to more than a couple of minutes and the batteries hold out on our machine, we’re unlikely to be killed.

  THURSDAY 3RD MARCH

  I don’t want to go tomorrow. I hate explosions. I once fell off my bike because I heard a car backfire. I’m not even that confident around party poppers. I’ll tell Dan I have a cold and need to stay at home in case I set the bomb off by sneezing.

  No. He’ll know I’m lying. Or worse, he’ll think the government has turned me against him and make me wrap myself in foil.

  I’m just going to have to force myself to go. I didn’t get into crime-fighting for mild peril. I could eat one of the out-of-date chicken legs in the fridge if I wanted that. I got into it to risk my life for a better world.

  On the positive side, knowing I might die very soon made me much braver than usual in PE today. They always put me in goal because I’m not very good at kicking the ball or running or not tripping over my legs. I usually cover my face with my hands when the ball comes near, but today I launched myself at it every time and saved tons of goals. My team still lost, but for once it wasn’t my fault.

  Henry raced up to me as I was walking home and started spouting nonsense about his league’s plan to save Earth from an asteroid by breaking it up with a laser beam, an idea he stole from Steel Guy issue 236.

  It’s funny how he’s always talking about upcoming missions and never ones he’s actually done. You’d think at least one of these Earth-saving escapades would be worth reporting back on.

  Henry kept questioning me about what my league was up to, but again I gave nothing away. I’ll just leave him to his harmless little fantasy world while
I stick to my real and dangerous one.

  FRIDAY 4TH MARCH

  When we got to Dan’s house he announced that Pi had made bomb-deactivating devices for all of us. So if one failed to work, there would be another five on hand.

  This made me feel a little better, but as soon as he handed mine over it fell apart and the batteries sprang out onto the floor.

  ‘You’ll have to share with Mr Amazing,’ said Pi, who was still screwing the back on his own device. ‘I don’t have time to fix it now.’

  The mood was very grim as we drove to the cinema car park. I was given the task of taking the register, which was more than Mr and Mrs Amazing, who were given nothing at all to do.

  Not that they complained. They were both sitting on the left-hand bench, squashing up against the side of the van with their bomb-deactivating devices held up for protection. I didn’t think either were about to volunteer to take over Dan’s role of grabbing the bomb and bringing it in.

  Doctor Infinity parked us in front of the main entrance, while Dan talked us through the plan. For most of us, it was pretty much to stare at the bomb and hope it wouldn’t go off.

  The criminals sped into the car park just after midnight and pulled up outside the ATM. A bald man rushed out and placed a suitcase on the keypad of the machine. He fled back into the van and it drove to the far side of the car park.

  ‘Let’s go!’ shouted Pi. ‘Unlike the number on Doctor Infinity’s chest, this just got real.’