The Adventures of a Wimpy Superhero

by Tim Collins

  Doctor Infinity drove us up to the ATM. Dan leapt out, grabbed the suitcase and brought it in. I could feel my heart hammering as he placed it on the bench next to the door and flipped it open.

  Inside there was a tangle of wires, canisters and circuit boards around a counter ticking down from 2 minutes and 23 seconds.

  ‘We can do this!’ shouted Dan. That was nice to hear.

  Doctor Infinity drove us out of the car park, while Pi held his device over the open case. Its green lights blinked on and off which at least meant the batteries were working.

  Dan pointed at Mr and Mrs Amazing, who were pressing themselves against the side of the van.

  ‘You two,’ he shouted. ‘Get over here and be ready to use your deactivators if this one fails.’ They stayed exactly where they were.

  The van slowed down.

  ‘What are you doing?’ yelled Dan.

  ‘Red light, said Doctor Infinity. ‘I can’t just jump it.’

  ‘Keep driving!’ shouted Dan. ‘Get us away from the residential areas and into the industrial estate. We need to minimize civilian casualties.’

  By the time there was just one minute on the clock, we were at the big crossroads. By the time there were thirty seconds left, we were driving past empty office blocks.

  ‘Come on!’ shouted Pi, hitting the side of his device. ‘You must have found the passcode by now.’

  Twenty seconds to go.

  ‘Stop the van!’ shouted Dan. ‘I’ll take the bomb and run away from the vehicle. You lot try and shield yourselves from the blast.’

  ‘No!’ shouted Pi. ‘It’s working. Leave it.’

  Mr and Mrs Amazing cowered behind their devices. I didn’t flinch at all, which was quite surprising. Usually an especially loud dog bark is enough to set me off. But this was so frightening it didn’t feel like it was really happening.

  Ten seconds to go.

  ‘Almost there!’ shouted Pi.

  Six seconds to go.

  Mr Amazing let out a low whimper.

  Five seconds to go.

  A bead of sweat trickled down Dan’s forehead and dripped onto the suitcase.

  Four seconds to go.

  The clock stopped at 3.14 seconds and the word ‘CANCELLED’ flashed up on the screen.

  ‘Look at that,’ said Pi. ‘it’s stopped on my favourite number.’

  It was a strange time to make a maths joke.

  SATURDAY 5TH MARCH

  I didn’t get back until 4 a.m. this morning. Dad woke me up at twelve and accused me of being lazy. He wouldn’t have said that if he knew what I’d really been up to.

  He made me empty the dishwasher as punishment. Usually I try and spice it up by giving myself a time limit, but it wasn’t very exciting after last night. When you’ve stared death in the face, even rapidly emptying the dishwasher loses its appeal.

  This afternoon I tried to rekindle my sense of risk by going for a walk without an umbrella even though it was drizzling. Then I carried back lots of heavy shopping in a single bag, which could easily have broken. This evening I even took my portable hard drive out of my computer without ejecting it safely first.

  But it was no use. None of it felt dangerous anymore. Now I understand why superheroes find it so hard to fit back into ordinary life after their missions.

  SUNDAY 6TH MARCH

  Pi has been working on the suitcase bomb to find clues that might lead us to Vercetti. He’s taken apart the explosives, the detonator, the timer and the suitcase itself so far.

  Dan’s really pushing him to find something, as he reckons this is our best ever chance to track down the guy who’s behind all the crime in this town.

  Vercetti is the criminal the local police have always wanted to find, so if we can get him it will prove costumed Vigilantes are better. Everything Dan has done since he sold his business has been leading up to this, except for the four weeks he spent in the Scottish highlands surviving on berries and trying to track down Osama bin Laden, which he now admits was a mistake.

  MONDAY 7TH MARCH

  Henry joined me on the benches at the edge of the sports field this lunchtime. I longed to tell him I’d seen an actual bomb. It was awful to have so much excitement in my life and not be able to talk about it.

  He’d only have made up something ridiculous about how he was going to rip apart a nuclear missile with his bare hands or something, but it would have been a relief to talk to someone about what happened.

  I suppose this is what I signed up to when I took on a secret double life. My reward should be the safety of the public, not the glory.

  A little bit of glory would be nice, though.

  I took my mind off it by reigniting our old argument about the aquatic superhero Water Guy. Henry thinks he’s one of the top five superheroes ever, which is just ridiculous.

  I’ll be the first to admit Water Guy has some decent powers. He can breathe underwater, create giant waves and communicate telepathically with marine life. So if you’re a pirate, Nazi submarine captain or arsonist who works mainly on jetties, watch out. But if you’re a land-based criminal, you have nothing to worry about because Water Guy CAN’T LEAVE THE OCEAN.

  Perhaps one day sea levels will rise so much that Water Guy will be the greatest hero in the world. Until then, he doesn’t even belong in the top hundred.

  TUESDAY 8TH MARCH

  Pi has been analysing the bomb and he reckons most of the components were smuggled in from abroad. But the battery is from this country, and he thinks it might lead us to Vercetti.

  It’s a large, square battery made by a company called Heavy Duty. If we can find the store that sold it to the criminals, Pi might be able to hack into their records and trace the credit card used to buy it. This might lead to a false address, but if we’re lucky it could lead us straight to Vercetti’s headquarters.

  Which means I’m back in detective mode. I much prefer detective work to sitting in a van next to a bomb that could blow me apart.

  Dan has divided a map of the town into four segments and allocated one to himself, one to me, one to Mr Amazing and one to Mrs Amazing. I’ve got the north-east quarter. I really hope I find the battery there and it leads us to Vercetti. That way I’ll have played a big part in the capture of the most notorious crime boss this town has ever known.

  Come on, north-east Dudchester! We can do this!

  WEDNESDAY 9TH MARCH

  I had to take the Lonerbike to school today so I could patrol the north-east quarter as soon as my lessons finished. I knew that many of the shops would close at half five and I wouldn’t have long to trace the battery.

  At first I tried checking every single store, but then I realized this wasn’t very good detective work. I asked myself what the world’s greatest detective, Ratman, would do. He’d kidnap a mobster and torture them until they revealed where Vercetti was.

  That option wasn’t open to me, but I used my detective skills to discount some options, such as dry cleaners, furniture stores and pharmacies.

  In one of the electronics stores I checked, the security guard made me open my bag to prove I wasn’t stealing anything. I couldn’t believe he was letting his own petty duties hold back my serious investigations.

  I hadn’t found any of the batteries by the time the shops were starting to close up for the night, and I was about to give up when I spotted a small shop attached to a mechanic’s. I rushed inside and saw a whole display of batteries, including the exact ones I was looking for.

  A man in a greasy overall stepped out and glared at me. I pointed to a set of plastic hubcaps and asked how much they were, even though the price was clearly marked.

  He stared at me until I left, so he must have suspected me of shoplifting too. I think if I was a teenage petty criminal, I’d want to steal something more exciting than antifreeze.

  THURSDAY 10TH MARCH

  Mrs Amazing and Dan both found places selling the batteries too. One was a large hardware store and the other was a retail store
on the edge of town. Mr Amazing obviously felt left out, because he started boasting about the time he rescued a hat from a tree. Which isn’t exactly up there with helping to capture Vercetti.

  Pi is going to follow all three leads. I know it shouldn’t matter, but I really hope the criminals bought the battery from my store, because that would make me the best detective.

  FRIDAY 11TH MARCH

  Dan reckons he’s traced Vercetti through my shop! Strike up another victory for the Loner!

  Pi generated a list of addresses linked to credit cards that bought batteries in the last few weeks and Dan spent all day investigating them.

  The one from my shop led him to a large house in the country about twenty miles away, and he’s sure this is Vercetti’s hideout. It’s surrounded by iron railings and CCTV cameras and when he pulled up outside a man wearing a leather jacket and dark glasses strode down the drive.

  He’s going back with Doctor Infinity and Pi tomorrow to hack the phone calls and CCTV footage from the house. Mr and Mrs Amazing offered to spy on the house while picnicking in the one of the surrounding fields, but Dan refused. He said they’d blow years of hard work if they raised Vercetti’s suspicions and made him flee.

  We’re closing in on the town’s head of organized crime, not enjoying a pleasant day out. Sometimes I wonder if Mr and Mrs Amazing understand what a serious business they’re mixed up in.

  SATURDAY 12TH MARCH

  Dan is now convinced the house belongs to Vercetti. Doctor Infinity and Pi piggybacked onto its phone and CCTV yesterday and identified Vercetti as a small man with a large nose and short black hair. There are two other figures living in the compound with him. One is bald with a scar on his left cheek and the other is tall with cropped blonde hair. Dan reckons these are Vercetti’s bodyguards.

  Dan wants to storm the house, overpower Vercetti and leave him outside a police station along with all the evidence he’s gathered against him.

  We’re going to strike late on Monday night, which doesn’t give us long to prepare.

  I can’t believe we’re on the cusp of capturing this town’s crime boss. We’ll be superhero legends after this.

  East Dudchester League of Costumed Vigilantes (incorporating The Central Region Masked Crime-Fighters Society) assemble!

  SUNDAY 13TH MARCH

  Dan took us through his plan in a special meeting tonight.

  ‘We’ll arrive at 2330 hours,’ he said. He emptied out a bag full of small black handguns. ‘We’ll run up to the gates carrying these.’

  ‘In that case you can count me out,’ said Mr Amazing. ‘I hate criminal kingpins as much as the next man, but I don’t want to be part of any missions that involve firearms.’

  Dan picked up one of the guns, stuck it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He took it out again and grinned.

  ‘They’re replicas,’ he said. ‘But Vercetti won’t know and we might need to be very persuasive if he doesn’t want to come.’

  He pulled out a much bigger gun with a wide barrel. ‘This is real, though. It will fire an electromagnetic pulse and take out all the electrics in the compound. The CCTV cameras will black out, the gate and doors will open and the phones will go down. If we’re lucky, we’ll get in and grab Vercetti before his guards find us. If not, it’s going to get messy.’

  Doctor Infinity took out a model of Vercetti’s compound and Dan stuck some plastic soldiers into position around it. ‘Mr Amazing will drive the van, Pi will fire the pulse gun, and Doctor Infinity and I will take care of Vercetti. The Loner, Mrs Amazing and Amazagirl stand by the front gate in case we need your help with the guards. There are two of them and six of us so we have the advantage.’

  ‘I can’t do Mondays’ said Amazagirl, looking down at her phone.

  ‘Fine,’ said Dan, curling his hands so tightly that his knuckles went white. ‘Then it will be five against two instead. Thanks for your help.’

  UPDATE

  I’ve been doing push-ups in my bedroom tonight to get in shape for fighting the guards tomorrow. I can do ten without needing a rest, so I should have a good chance if things turn nasty.

  It’s times like this I wish I’d spent my early years training with a secret martial arts group halfway up a mountain like Ratman did. But my parents would never have agreed to that. They wouldn’t even let me go on the Tower of Terror when we went to Disneyland.

  I can’t believe Amazagirl has weaseled out of superhero duty again. This is her chance to be part of the greatest crime-fighting mission this town has ever known and she isn’t interested. I really don’t understand some people.

  MONDAY 14TH MARCH

  Henry pestered me again at lunchtime. He kept asking when my league would be back in action soon and I got so sick of it I told him about the raid tonight. It was a massive relief to talk to someone about it after obsessing over it so much.

  Every time I said, something about our mission, he felt the need to invent nonsense about how his league are going to foil international smuggling rings, corrupt government agencies and cybercriminals.

  I suppose my genuine plans are starting to sound like one of Henry’s fantasies now. All that stuff about replica guns and electromagnetic devices sounds like I’m also copying things from an issue of Ratman or Steel Guy. If anyone had listened in to our conversation, they’d think we were both making it up.

  It’s just gone 10 p.m. now and I’m waiting for Mum and Dad to start snoring so I can cycle over to Dan’s house. Let battle commence!

  TUESDAY 15TH MARCH

  It’s now 4 a.m. and I’m back in my room. It all went wrong tonight and I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to my parents, because they’ll panic and call the police. And I can’t talk to anyone else from the League, because they’ve all been captured by Vercetti.

  We arrived outside the compound at 11:30 as planned. Pi fired his pulse gun at the gate and pushed it open. He crept down the gravel path, stopped a few metres in front of the house and fired again. All the lights inside cut out.

  Dan and Doctor Infinity crept down the dark pathway and went in. I stared at the murky windows, anxiously looking for some sign of them, but I couldn’t make anything out.

  After a few minutes I heard a door slam and saw movement outside the house. I was desperately hoping it would be Dan and Doctor Infinity dragging Vercetti up the path, but instead I made out the shape of three men running towards us.

  The first figure to emerge from the gloom was Pi. He was dashing up the path with two guards chasing him. It looked like I was going to have to fight the guards after all. I was glad I’d done all those press-ups.

  ‘They knew we were coming!’ shouted Pi. ‘Someone tipped them off!’

  One of the men drew level with him, slammed his hand on Pi’s shoulder and dragged him back down the path.

  ‘Get out of here!’ shouted Pi. ‘Mission aborted!’

  I rushed back to the van and Mrs Amazing followed. Mr Amazing was waiting in the front seat.

  ‘We need to go, dear,’ said Mrs Amazing. ‘There’s been a spot of bother.’

  ‘That’s a shame,’ said Mr Amazing, turning his key in the ignition. ‘What happened?’

  The van chugged away down the lane. I glanced out the back window and saw one of Vercetti’s guards rushing out of the gate.

  ‘Hurry up!’ I shouted.

  ‘Turns out one of us is a rat,’ said Mrs Amazing. She looked at me. ‘We know it isn’t us, so it must be The Loser.’

  ‘The Loner,’ I said. ‘But it isn’t me.’

  Mr Amazing opened the glove compartment and peered inside. ‘There’s a spanner in here if you need to knock him out, dear.’

  ‘No thanks, darling,’ said Mrs Amazing. ‘I’ll just whack him with my replica gun if needs be.’

  ‘Righty-oh,’ said. Mr Amazing. He stopped at the junction with the main road, looked both ways, then turned left.

  ‘Hang on a minute,’ I said. ‘I’m not working for anyone. I just want to figh
t crime.’

  ‘So who betrayed us?’ asked Mr Amazing. ‘It couldn’t have been the others as they’ve all been captured.’

  ‘Not all of them,’ I said. ‘What about your daughter? She’s always saying crime-fighting is pointless and I notice she isn’t here tonight. Maybe she tipped them off.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ shouted Mrs Amazing. ‘As if Amy ... I mean, Amazagirl wouldn’t put her own parents in danger.’

  I thought it sounded like exactly the sort of thing she’d do, but I didn’t push it any further.

  There was no point in arguing, so I turned and stared out of the window as we drove on. I kept expecting to see Vercetti’s guards speed up next to us, but nothing emerged.

  It struck me that with Dan out of action, I was now official League leader, which wasn’t going to go down well with Mr Amazing. But he was going to have to accept it so we could work together and solve the crisis.

  When we arrived back in Dan’s garage, Mr Amazing got out and held the door to the basement open for his wife. Instead of holding it open for me too, he let it slam in my face.

  I was about to open it again when I heard screaming from inside the basement.

  ‘Get off me!’ shouted Mrs Amazing.

  ‘Let me go or I’ll shoot!’ shouted Mr Amazing.

  ‘With a replica gun?’ replied another voice. ‘I don’t think so.’

  I found myself whimpering, but stifled it so no one could hear. The garage door was still open, so I crept out and untied the Lonercycle from the tree at the front of the house. I jumped on it and rode away as fast as I could. At the end of the street I looked over my shoulder and saw a tall man wearing dark glasses snooping a round.