Employees Gone Wild

by Richard Burton

  If you are in an industry with a high risk or your company is involved in a high-profile controversy, extra caution may be called for. If the company has received any kind of threats, you and your staff should be especially vigilant. In that case, alert local law enforcement, who can supply guidance on the safest course of action to identify and avert danger.

  Similarly, when there have been newsworthy attacks elsewhere, whether or not they target your business or industry, it’s wise to alert everyone to be on the lookout for anything outside the norm; there’s always a possibility the news coverage will give an upset or unstable person the idea for a copycat crime.

  Again, the risk is probably low in most workplaces, so there is no need to instill fear—but healthy caution can prevent harm in that one-in-a-million case.

  CASE FILE

  Kickass Salespeople

  Salespeople who work on commission may make more money, if they are very good at selling, than their salaried managers. When the salesperson is arrogant and obnoxious about that fact, as was the case with one of our salespeople, the situation can get very tense.

  Our salesman, Al, liked to flaunt his success. His manager, Phil, took that amiss, and micromanaged Al. Al didn’t take kindly to that, and ignored and derided his boss. It was no secret there was no love lost between these two.

  What started as taunts back and forth continued in a series of particularly nasty text messages over one weekend. Finally, on Monday morning, Phil met up with Al in the parking lot and picked up the text altercation in person. Words got increasingly heated as the men entered the building and escalated to punches in view of several other employees. Before the two were separated, Phil had a broken nose.

  You might think Al would be the one to lose his job in this situation. But investigation—reviewing the text messages, interviewing the witnesses—proved that Phil had started the argument, Phil had pursued it, and Phil had thrown the first punch.

  So Phil got the pink slip. Aggressive Al, true to his nickname, didn’t let it go at that. He took Phil to court for assaulting him.

  CASE FILE

  Special Delivery

  Let’s end this chapter on a lighter note.

  If the long arm of the law is looking to find someone, the most obvious place to look is at the person’s home. But during the workday, the obvious place is the person’s employer.

  More than once, we have had process servers show up at the office to deliver legal notices of lawsuits of various kinds, divorce and family-related matters being the most common among those. When a process server delivers legal papers, he or she is obligated to hand the materials directly to the person who is being sued or subpoenaed. If the recipient knows the summons is coming, he or she might go to great lengths to avoid being found.

  A man whom we’ll call Carlo was being sued for libel by a notoriously litigious rival, so it was no surprise to Carlo that a process server might be seeking him out. Initially, he asked the receptionist and other coworkers to cover for him, claiming he was not in the office.

  But process servers can be very persistent; even more than postal workers, their credo is that neither rain nor sleet—nor a stern receptionist—keeps them from doing their jobs. In this case, the process server situated himself outside the company entrance to wait Carlo out, for as long as it took.

  After a couple days, the process server realized Carlo had to be coming and going via another entrance and started watching other places Carlo might be, including a party hosted by a senior executive at his home.

  But Carlo was a step ahead of him. He alerted his boss to the situation and arrived in a van hours before the party, dressed as a workman setting up for the event. Once inside the boss’s house, he changed clothes and enjoyed the party with everyone else. Then he changed back into costume, helped with the cleanup, and left with a bag of trash in hand.

  The matter was eventually settled, and Carlo was able to resume his normal routine and wardrobe. Too bad—a female coworker had offered to lend him a wig and heels if he needed another disguise.

  CHAPTER 7

  A Straight Flush

  Bathroom and Other Personal Fouls

  Given the number of hours we all spend in our workplaces, it’s practically like sharing an apartment. We share workspace, often in close quarters, we share break or lunch rooms, communal kitchens . . . and bathrooms. And having a messy or thoughtless coworker can be even worse than a nightmare roommate. At least in the case of an awful roommate, you’re asleep for some of the time you’re in the shared space, and you can leave if you need to. Not so at the workplace; you’re stuck there during your scheduled working hours, and sleeping on the job is generally frowned upon.

  On the other hand, considerate colleagues can make even the most tedious workplace a little more bearable, and if the job itself is a satisfying one, thoughtful coworkers can make it downright delightful.

  Just keep in mind with regard to how you treat your common workspace: your mother doesn’t work here . . . but you practically live here.

  CASE FILE

  Pooper Towels

  We had a horrifying instance in which someone had set a trap by opening up the paper towel dispenser in the women’s room and placing the product of their bowels inside. Eventually, someone would pull out a paper towel . . . and the you-know-what would drop into her hand. Revolting, to say the least.

  We could only imagine the offender fishing her turds out of the toilet, waiting for the bathroom to be empty, then skulking over to the sink and unscrewing the top of the dispenser, removing some towels, and making her deposit, putting some more towels in on top to disguise the evidence, then screwing the dispenser back together before washing up (one hopes!) and heading back to work.

  Antibacterial soap for everyone!

  You’ve got to be really crazy to go to that much trouble to do something that disgusting. We reviewed our personnel rosters for signs pointing to that kind of crazy and came up empty.

  We decided to send a memo to all our employees, each individually addressed to get their attention, describing the episode and asking for any information. Although the problem was restricted to the women’s restroom, we didn’t exclude the men from the mail blast, just in case it was a male employee sneaking in to get some kind of revenge on the women, or in case one of the fellows had heard something useful.

  All but three of our employees responded immediately with disgust, horror, and the assurance that they knew nothing about it and hoped no one thought they did.

  One of the three who had not responded was male, and although, as I said, we considered it possible that a man could be the culprit, we thought it less likely, since a guy coming out of the ladies’ room would be noticed, and we might have heard something from someone to that effect. So we focused our attention on the two women who hadn’t responded to the personal memo.

  One said she hadn’t responded simply because she didn’t have any information to offer, and like everyone, she thought the whole situation was appalling.

  The other woman, a fifteen-year veteran of the company, initially said she had nothing to do with it either, but there was something about her protestation that didn’t feel right. Upon further questioning, she still claimed innocence, but volunteered that some of the women in the office maybe deserved something bad, and she could understand why someone might do something.

  Why might that be? we asked. Well, she told me, “People who s*** on other people might deserve to get s*** on.” And once that was out, it all spilled out: she’d had a particularly bad day with a boss who had been treating her poorly, in her opinion, for years, and she’d just felt the need to do something, and in the heat of the moment, that’s what she’d done—to give them back what they’d given her, she said. She was utterly embarrassed now.

  Call it temporary insanity.

  All I can say is, if you find yourself taking a lot of “s***” at your job, this is not the way to give it back.

  TIPS

&n
bsp; Washing Your Hands of It

  This seems like a good place to remind you that the benefits of washing your hands go well beyond cleaning up any incidental contact with bathroom leftovers. Over the course of a normal day, you probably touch doors, elevator buttons, handrails, seats on public transit, and hundreds of other things that other people have touched with their possibly germ-laden hands (or other parts). Throw in papers, keyboards, and so on, that somebody coughed or sneezed on. . . . Wash your hands regularly. It’s the simplest germ avoidance and illness prevention there is.

  To make sure your hands are thoroughly clean, the Centers for Disease Control recommends scrubbing for twenty seconds. That’s about as long as it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” twice. But do your coworkers a favor and don’t sing it out loud!

  MEMO TO MANAGEMENT

  It’s increasingly common to see hand sanitizer dispensers around offices. These are a great idea—not just to address bathroom issues, but to minimize the germs being passed by contact with surfaces and objects. You can decrease the spread of seasonal colds and flu, and the impact on productivity when employees are sick, by giving employees every resource to prevent the spread of germs.

  CASE FILE

  Intersex Restrooms

  An employee we’ll call Pat was in the process of a gender transition from male to female. This was a difficult time for Pat, as she went through the process of adapting to her new, preferred gender identity, a process that is all but impossible to accomplish in anything but a very public way if you work anywhere except at home alone.

  It was also uncomfortable for Pat’s coworkers, most of whom had never known a trans person, and many of whom were discomfited by the idea and the situation. Some of these employees taunted and mocked Pat about the transition, basically expressing their own discomfort by making things uncomfortable for Pat.

  At a certain point in the transition, Pat explained to Human Resources that she felt far enough along in the process that it would be appropriate for her to use the women’s restroom rather than the men’s. While this would help keep her out of the eye of some of her male harassers, it also led to another problem: female employees complained about sharing a restroom with someone they had known as male and still considered not one of them.

  We didn’t have a unisex restroom available, which would have been one solution, so we had to handle the situation through tactful conversation with employees. It took time for the situation to settle down, and there will always be some people who aren’t entirely comfortable about it, but we let our employees know that respecting each other, even in the face of discomfort or awkwardness, is paramount.

  MEMO TO MANAGEMENT

  Hiring an employee who has already made a transition from one gender to the other is fairly straightforward. There may be some logistical issues if the employment history is under two different first names, or if the employee is calling him- or herself by a name that isn’t the one on his or her birth certificate or Social Security card, but that can be handled confidentially in the human resources department without other employees being the wiser.

  Gender transition by an employee already in the workplace is a more challenging situation, but one that is becoming more frequent as awareness of transgender people in society is increasing and more transgender people are openly transitioning. The key to handling the situation is focusing on the person as an employee and a member of the team—whatever may change about this individual, the fact is that he or she is still a valued employee, colleague, and member of the team.

  As with any employee issue, it’s important to remain supportive and compassionate but to draw the line at bending over backward in ways that affect the ability of the company to go about its business. If the focus remains on doing the job, it’s a bit easier to keep a personal matter of this sort from becoming the focus of everyone’s attention and angst.

  CASE FILE

  Funky Time

  There was a recurring problem in one of the restrooms: one of my colleagues found a note posted on the inside of the door of each stall in the ladies’ room.

  To whoever it is who comes in here every day between 4:30 p.m.-5:00 p.m. and funks this place up to high heaven:

  Please be aware that this is not your home. Everyone has to share this bathroom. We don’t want to gag on the stench you leave behind nor do we want to see your poop trails in the toilet on a daily basis. Your behavior is absolutely disgusting.

  Either start bringing some heavy-duty air freshener in here with your smelly self and make sure you flush until ALL your poop is gone from the bowl or please go find yourself another toilet to contaminate.

  Well, I think that says it all. Certainly makes you want to use a different restroom, doesn’t it?

  My colleague’s concern was exactly that even if a visitor didn’t arrive during the apparently regularly scheduled funky time in that bathroom, seeing that note wouldn’t exactly convey the best impression of our firm.

  I had the notes removed from the bathroom, and our HR representative sent out a more diplomatic memo to the staff reminding them to be considerate of others when using the restrooms.

  Here’s hoping the offender saw the memo and got the message before someone spouted off on the stall walls again.

  TIPS

  Bathroom Etiquette

  Someone should have taught you this long before now, but in case not:

  • Use the toilet, not the area around the toilet, for your business. Nobody likes to have to navigate around your dribbles.

  • If you leave a skid mark on the toilet seat, wipe it off. Someone else has to sit there after you.

  • Flush! And check to make sure there are no souvenirs left behind. If necessary, flush again.

  • Most women’s restrooms have a receptacle for used feminine hygiene products. It’s there for a reason. If you feel the need to announce to everyone that you’re having your period, please don’t do it by leaving tampons or pads in view. . . . In fact, if you feel the need to announce your period, suppress that need.

  • Wash your hands when you’re finished. I don’t care if you “didn’t really touch anything,” your coworkers don’t want to touch anything you’ve touched if you don’t wash up.

  • Put the used paper towels in the trash can. The floor or the general vicinity of the trash can does not count.

  MEMO TO MANAGEMENT

  The company may be responsible for supplying and maintaining the restrooms in your facility, or it may be the responsibility of the landlord or property management. In either case, it’s important to the well-being and morale of your staff to make sure the premises are well stocked and in good shape.

  If it’s the building’s responsibility and they are not providing adequate supplies—for example, I heard of a company where the feminine hygiene product dispenser was empty for months—you can address it with the management of the premises, but if they are not responsive, you may have to arrange to supplement supplies yourself and work it out with them at lease negotiation time. Improving on what is supplied by adding hand lotion, air freshener, and other amenities is a small investment that will yield a surprisingly large reward in terms of how employees feel about the workplace . . . and that, in turn, improves loyalty and productivity in the longer run.

  While we are on the subject of bathroom courtesies, management should know that how employees treat and leave the restroom may be a good barometer of workplace morale. When employees do things like throw stuff around the restroom, cause intentional messes, and stop up toilets, it often means morale in the office is low. Biannual (blind) employee surveys are an excellent way to keep your finger on the pulse of employees’ feelings about their jobs, the workplace, and upper-level management. A good, old-fashioned, anonymous suggestion box doesn’t usually hurt, either!

  CASE FILE

  Black-and-White

  You do things in the restroom that you wouldn’t do out in public, and sometimes that leads people to say things in the restr
oom that they’d never say elsewhere in the office. News flash: your colleagues’ ears don’t stop working when they enter the facilities.

  We had a manager who knew better than to express his racist opinions in meetings, but it was a different story in the men’s room. He told a coworker that he wouldn’t use a stall that had been used by an African American employee because, he said, “I’m afraid of what I might catch off the toilet seat.”

  What he caught was a stern reprimand and some sensitivity training.

  CASE FILE

  Watch Out Where You’re Pointing That Thing!

  Two male employees, whom we’ll call Tom and Tim, had a bit of a disagreement in the hallway on the way to the restroom. It got heated and loud, and continued as they headed into the men’s room. Before long, they were side by side at the urinal shouting each other down about whatever was at issue (the source of the argument was long forgotten in its aftermath).

  Tom made a particularly forceful remark at Tim, who spun on him and got in his face to refute it. Tim had, however, been urinating at the time. As he fired his verbal fusillade at Tom, he fired something else at Tom’s trousers.

  Tom immediately zipped up and brought himself, his pants dripping with evidence (à la Monica Lewinsky’s infamous blue dress), to the human resources department.

  Tim was fired. There are some things that are just never okay.