Employees Gone Wild

by Richard Burton

  TIPS

  Conservation of Bodily Fluids

  Your bodily fluids are your own. Spit, pee, whatever—keep it to yourself or dispose of it appropriately. Think of it this way: no matter how angry you are, you don’t want to leave DNA evidence.

  MEMO TO MANAGEMENT

  Speaking of DNA: You are probably not going to do DNA testing to find out who peed on Tom’s trousers or who has been leaving puddles on the bathroom floor . . . but your employees don’t know that. You could do it if you really wanted to, and thanks to television crime shows, employees are well aware of it. The suggestion or threat that you will identify the culprit with CSI-like precision may be all it takes to stop the offensive behavior or elicit a confession.

  CASE FILE

  Territorial Wrongs

  One day, an employee returning to his car in the company’s underground parking garage stumbled into something quite unpleasant—a pile of “number two” next to a pillar in the garage. He complained to the facilities manager, who assumed someone had brought a dog in to work.

  A few days later, another employee made a similar discovery elsewhere in the parking lot, and facilities staff went to investigate. “Doesn’t look like dog poop,” someone remarked.

  Garage security cameras had seen no sign of anyone walking a dog in the garage. Both piles of someone’s business were near pillars where view from security cameras was obstructed, but in order to get to that location, a dog—owned or on its own—or a homeless person, or whatever, would have been seen. What we did see on the security camera footage were our own people—numerous employees coming and going, though no indication whether one of them might have been, um, going. A mystery.

  And then it happened again. This was becoming a serious problem, not to mention a source of much company gossip. We arranged for security guards to circulate around the underground garage, watching for suspicious activity (like someone groaning while squatting) that might occur out of the view of the security cameras.

  Sure enough, a few days later, an employee was caught with his pants down—literally—in the act of leaving a surprise. When confronted, the perpetrator admitted what he had done—how could he not, when he’d been seen? He defended himself by claiming he had done it at previous jobs, without consequences, and explained that he felt a compelling need to “mark the territory” as his.

  I’m just grateful he didn’t feel the urge to mark the territory around his desk. We fired him. Who knows what territory he is staking his claim to now.

  CASE FILE

  A Pleasure to Work Here

  I’ve had quite a few uncomfortable conversations with employees over the years, as you can guess from some of the stories I’ve shared in this book, but I think this was the all-time most awkward. An employee we will call Willy was making it a habit to, shall we say, pleasure himself in a stall in the men’s room.

  He wasn’t discreet enough to wait until others weren’t around, either. Several men in the workplace knew about it because so many had heard the telltale sounds of Willy’s self-ministrations. Finally, someone brought it to the attention of management, and I was the lucky winner who got to explain to Willy that spanking the monkey, choking the chicken, basting the ham, engaging in safe sex, milking the snake, shaking hands with John Thomas, shining the shillelagh—whatever you want to call it, you don’t do it at work.

  CASE FILE

  Work of Shame

  At one company, we had a female employee, Lucy, turn up at the office early a few mornings a week wearing a cocktail dress or similar attire from the evening before. “I didn’t have time to go home,” she admitted. Then she would proceed to gather an array of toiletries and a change of clothes from her desk drawer (she must have kept an entire wardrobe there, for how frequently this was happening!), undress in the ladies’ room, and give herself a sponge bath at the bathroom sink. She even washed her hair in the sink and used the hand dryer to blow-dry it! Finally, she would get dressed and apply her makeup before tidying up the counter, packing up the previous evening’s attire, and reporting for duty.

  Since Lucy was arriving early to allow time for her morning ablutions and showing up at her desk ready to work at nine o’clock, her activities weren’t interfering with productivity. But for employees who came in before nine, either by choice or because they started earlier, and who stumbled on Lucy in the bathroom, half-clothed and monopolizing the sink area, it was becoming irritating. That and the sink drains were frequently clogged; they weren’t made for hair washing.

  The clogged drains led us to send a memo around asking employees to be careful what they put down the drains; no one had at that point reported Lucy’s activity because she was a well-liked employee and tried to be considerate of others by wiping up any water she splashed around and making sure not to leave a mess. But the drain memo eventually led someone to mention to management that it was probably Lucy’s hair washing that was causing the problem.

  Someone suggested to Lucy that she might instead consider joining a local gym. Whether or not she chose to work out there, she would be able to avail herself of a proper shower, along with towels and a locker for her copious supply of personal care products.

  TIPS

  Remember: Your Mother Doesn’t Work Here

  And even if she did, it wouldn’t be her job to clean up after you at the workplace.

  Also, you don’t live at the workplace. Even if it seems like you do, based on how much time and energy you spend at work, don’t make yourself too much at home.

  And definitely don’t do anything at work that you wouldn’t do in your own home. In fact, don’t do anything at work you wouldn’t want your mother to see or know about!

  CHAPTER 8

  When the Cat Gets Out of the Bag

  So what happens when things reach the point of a human resources investigation?

  I should say at the outset that, although I am a lawyer, this is general information and nothing in this book should be construed as legal advice. If you need legal advice, consult an attorney in your area who specializes in employment law. Note, too, that laws about employment matters vary from place to place, and even from industry to industry—if you’re a government employee, for example, you are probably operating under a different set of rules than someone working in a fast food establishment. (But neither of you should spit in my food. Thanks.)

  All that said, here’s what you need to know.

  Silence Is Golden

  The primary rule of a human resources investigation is confidentiality.

  Good luck with that in many workplaces.

  Seriously, if you are involved in any way in an investigation—as the person who raised the issue, as the person being investigated, as a witness, or as the investigator—keep things under your hat. Not to say if you were harassed, for example, that you can’t tell your spouse or family members about it, and certainly if it’s a situation that requires legal counsel (we’ll talk about that below) you can talk to your lawyer. But in the workplace, you should keep things to yourself. Gossip only complicates matters. People start to “remember” what they heard someone else say rather than what really happened, or take sides, or perhaps spread a damaging rumor that turns out to be false. Zip your lip outside the investigatory process.

  Moreover, your company may very likely have a formal policy that prohibits discussing human resources investigations, with the penalty being dismissal. Even if the company doesn’t have such a policy, chattering about a confidential personnel matter is not going to be looked upon kindly by your company’s management.

  Need to Know Basis

  Human resources representatives will, of course, discuss cases and situations among their department as part of their staff meetings or in order to share or obtain further information. They will want to find out, for example, whether a similar issue has been brought to the attention of someone else in HR, or if other HR staff are aware of previous complaints about someone. If there is any possibility of lega
l liability, the company’s lawyer or law firm may also be in the loop.

  The situation will probably also be discussed with the supervisors of the parties involved—unless one of those supervisors is the subject of scrutiny, in which case HR may do more investigating before confronting that person. The reason supervisors are involved is that they may have additional information that bears on the case, and also so that they know why their people are being called away from their work to talk to someone in human resources.

  Depending on how the company is structured, HR may also be required to report its activities and investigations to management who supervise HR and to other senior management. In some companies, all senior-level managers expect to be looped in.

  That may be a lot of people. In theory, they should all be responsible for respecting the confidentiality of the investigation and the people involved. In practice, however, that isn’t always the case. I heard of one company in which the CEO and the company lawyer discussed a confidential personnel matter in the elevator, oblivious to the presence of other riders, who included other employees of the company and a vendor. They didn’t name names, but they sure set off a guessing game around the office.

  Just because someone else may talk out of school, however, doesn’t mean you should. Do you really want to be the subject of a different inquiry when someone’s personal information is shared when it shouldn’t have been?

  When Do You Involve HR? From the Employee Standpoint

  Let’s back up a bit. When is it appropriate to take a problem to human resources in the first place? Ask yourself a couple questions.

  Can I solve it myself?

  If you can solve the problem yourself, you should. If someone who sits near you is using the speaker function for all his phone calls and it’s distracting you from your work, talk to him politely, explaining the impact on your work, and suggest he close his door or use the handset. Sometimes, people don’t realize the impact of their actions, and a friendly conversation is all it takes to make things right.

  Is this a serious problem affecting work?

  If you’re running to HR to complain that you saw Joe Schmoe spill coffee in the kitchen and leave without wiping it up, you’re going to be labeled a whiner and you’re wasting a lot of people’s time. Every office has someone who acts like the kindergarten tattletale, constantly running to management to point fingers over silly things. We had one guy coming to HR to complain whenever a nonhandicapped employee used the stall in the restroom designated for handicapped individuals. Don’t be that guy (or girl).

  Is your supervisor aware of the situation?

  A lot of problems, especially ones related to the actual work—like someone not doing his or her job, or doing it in such a way that it hinders someone else doing his or her job—can be solved by the supervisors involved without going to HR. Take it first to your own manager. Plus, your boss doesn’t want to find out from HR about a problem because you went running there instead of discussing it with him or her first. You just made the problem bigger, and that won’t win you points. If your boss tries and fails to solve the problem, he or she can work up the line.

  If the problem relates to another group/department, does their manager know about it?

  There are always issues of territory: Is it your job to interfere in the business of other departments? If it’s affecting your work, it’s your problem, too, but that manager may be working on it. Determine with your manager whether it’s appropriate to approach the other manager. He or she doesn’t want to hear about problems from HR first, either.

  Is this issue affecting the company, or is it just bothering you?

  HR is interested in issues that affect the business, not things that annoy you. If you don’t like someone, for example, that’s not a business issue. Let’s face it, in life you will have to deal with all kinds of people, and your job pays you money to do it, so put on your big boy/big girl pants and learn how to get along with people. You’re not five. And if you act like you are, well, you probably shouldn’t be earning a grown-up paycheck.

  Is the problem your boss?

  If your problem is with your manager, you might be able to address it with him or her first if you do so professionally, calmly, nonjudgmentally, and with specific examples and solutions. Sometimes, HR can be a good resource for such conversations, serving as a sanity check, advising you on how to approach your boss, or acting as a mediator if necessary. Use your judgment as to whether you can resolve this yourself first before you go to HR for help.

  Explore other options before running to HR with your problem. They will be more responsive if they know you’ve thought the situation through and taken appropriate steps before seeking their help.

  There are, however, some situations in which you should go immediately to human resources, and some that are likely to end up there in due course.

  Do Not Pass Go: Go Directly to HR

  • Instances of sexual harassment

  • Any situation that may put you or your coworkers in physical danger

  • Illegal conduct in the workplace or affecting the workplace

  • Drug or alcohol use on the job

  • Discrimination based on race, religion, or sex

  • Accommodation needed for disability

  • Violations of confidentiality—the company’s, the customer’s, the employee’s—including data security breaches

  It’ll Be HR’s Problem Eventually

  • Disputes about salary, promotions, raises, evaluations

  • Disruptive or abusive behavior toward other employees

  • Violations of company policies

  • Working conditions that affect many employees’ ability to do their jobs

  CASE FILE

  Too Close for Discomfort

  One of our employees, Cal, was gay. He worked in a cubicle next to a coworker who peeked over the divider at him almost every day to deliver a derogatory comment. He called Cal a “lazy faggot.” He told Cal he was going to hell. He asked Cal, “Why are you walking funny? Oh, I know. With what you probably did last night, I don’t know how you can sit all day!”

  Cal recognized this for what it was—sexual harassment—and came straight to HR. “We take this very seriously” has become a cliché, but it’s the truth when it comes to sexual harassment. In some cases, the results of the investigation are ambiguous, but in this instance, Cal’s workmate was loud, proud, and out the door. We had plenty of corroborating witnesses.

  Know before You Go

  If you’re the one to bring a problem or issue to human resources, have all your ducks in a row. Often, workplace situations involve a lot of strong feelings, and being upset or angry may be perfectly reasonable. But what will help the human resources representative help you is information. If you have written evidence of a problem—an offensive email, for example—bring it. If possible, note when and where an incident happened and who else might have seen it so you can supply that information. If you believe there’s a pattern of misbehavior—something goes missing regularly—be prepared to tell why you believe that to be the case.

  That doesn’t mean you have to go around playing Law & Order, gathering evidence and building your case. That’s the job of the HR investigation. If the matter is serious enough to involve human resources, get there right away, while everything is fresh in your mind, with whatever information and evidence has led you to believe the matter serious enough for their involvement, and let HR take it from there.

  Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come for You

  Whether you’re the person who brought the issue to HR, you’re a witness or colleague being asked for information, or the person being investigated for an alleged misdeed, I have one piece of advice. It’s important enough that I’m going to give it to you in all caps, so you can’t miss it.

  TELL THE TRUTH

  The whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Anything else is going to backfire on you eventually, one way or another:


  • If you did it, you’ll get found out eventually. And then you’re on the hook not just for the misdeed but for the lie. Fess up and take the first step toward making things right so you can have a chance of saving your job and reputation.

  • If you’re covering for someone for whatever reason, and the truth comes out, you’re no longer just an uninvolved party who did nothing wrong. You’re in trouble for lying.

  • If you’re trying to stay uninvolved by claiming not to have seen/known anything, and it turns out you did know or should have known, you’ll be tagged either as dishonest or dumb. Cluelessness is not a highly valued employee trait.

  • If you embellish charges in order to strengthen the charge against someone, that will come out in the course of an investigation, and your entire case may be dismissed as the product of your imagination.

  • If the matter is serious enough to involve the courts, your lie may become perjury, and that’s a crime.

  So let me say it again: Tell the truth. HR personnel are not dumbasses. They’ll figure it out if you’re telling the truth. Or someone will. Nobody likes a liar. More importantly, nobody wants to hire a liar.

  The investigator is also assessing your overall credibility—not just whether you’re being honest, but whether you are a reliable source of information. Try to keep your cool as best you can in what is no doubt a stressful situation. Tell your story clearly and accurately to the best of your ability. If you are not sure about something, admit that. Explain why you believe it to be the case. Don’t wander off on tangents. In short, be professional. If you comport yourself like a sane, reasonable person whose story is consistent, who answers questions clearly and can supply information—evidence, documentation, witnesses, reasons for assumptions or claims—you will be seen as credible and your comments taken seriously.