Beneath these Stars (Lucy Mitchell Book 2)

by Hannah Ellis

  “It’s Star Wars, though. You could tell me everyone’s names, educate me a bit.”

  “Or you could just watch the film,” she suggested irritably.

  “Do you want to watch it with me?” I asked.

  “Not really.”

  “Let’s do the puzzle – it’ll be fun.”

  “Why can’t you leave me alone?” She glared at me. “I don’t want to do a stupid puzzle with you.” She stood up and stormed out of the kitchen, knocking the box as she went and scattering puzzle pieces all around the kitchen.

  I bent to pick up the pieces, taking deep breaths and trying not to fall apart. When I’d gathered all the pieces, I opened the back door and shoved the box into the bin, pressing it down heavily and slamming the lid. All I wanted was to get in my car and drive away. Through the window I could see Emily and Adam playing around with the hose, and I couldn’t bring myself to cause a scene. Instead I went upstairs and changed into my jogging clothes.

  Adam looked vaguely surprised when I passed them outside. With false cheer, I said I needed some exercise. I waved at Emily and took off down the driveway. Jogging had never been so easy. My body may have been complaining but I couldn’t hear it. I could only hear the voices in my head, which screamed and raged. In my head, I argued with Adam, shouting the words I never had a chance to say. I begged and pleaded and cried with Hailey. Then I talked everything through with Tom before my head finally started to clear. The anger and confusion disappeared, leaving me alone with my self-pity.

  My legs started to burn then, and my poor lungs wailed at me to stop. I found myself on the trail through the fields beyond the playground. I headed back towards the village and my feet automatically carried me to the pub.

  “Hey!” Mike greeted me cheerfully. I perched on a bar stool, thankful the other patrons were occupying the tables in the window away from the bar. “Are you okay?” he asked, his eyes full of concern.

  “I need water,” I told him, trying to catch my breath.

  He placed a glass in front of me. “You look ill.”

  I held up a hand as he drew nearer to me, then slid off the stool. Quickly I ran, on shaky legs, to the toilets, just making it in time. I lost the contents of my stomach and then crouched on the floor of the cubicle, hugging my knees and resting my head on them. Exercise and stress were clearly not a good combination. I felt weak and jittery.

  “You okay?” Mike asked from the other side of the door. I gulped down air and tried to calm myself. “Open the door.”

  “Just give me a minute,” I managed. Silence fell, then Mike’s hand reached under the toilet door. I laid mine on top of it, and he gave me a quick squeeze.

  “You’re not going to pass out or anything, are you?” he asked.

  “No, I’m okay now.”

  “I’ll be at the bar.”

  The quiet creak of the door told me he’d gone and I banged my head gently on the thin wall behind me. After a few minutes, I splashed water on my face and went back to the bar. I sipped the water. Mike disappeared for a few minutes before returning and putting a sandwich in front of me.

  “I don’t think I can.”

  “Just eat it,” he said. I managed a few bites and felt better.

  “Sorry.”

  “What’s going on?” he asked.

  “I’m really unfit.” I could hear the hysteria in my laugh, and felt like I was going crazy. Mike smiled at me sadly as he dried glasses and placed them on the shelf above him.

  Chapter 18

  It occurred to me that Hailey had just switched off. I noticed it because I did the same. Drearily, I fought the same battles day after day. It was as though I was sleepwalking through life, and everything around me was background noise. I stopped caring and just went through the motions, wishing my days away. In the evenings I found myself wandering the streets, sometimes sitting and chatting to Tom, or, more often, perched at the bar with Mike.

  One Tuesday, I decided to cook scrambled eggs for breakfast, thinking it might make a nice change to toast and cereal.

  “I don’t like that,” Emily told me when I put a plate in front of her.

  “Just try it,” I said. “You might like it if you try it. It’ll make you big and strong.”

  “Like Uncle Adam?”

  “No, like me!” She put a forkful in her mouth, chewed happily then loaded her fork up again.

  “I made scrambled eggs,” I told Hailey when she walked into the kitchen and headed for the cereal cupboard.

  “I’ll have coco pops.” She pulled out a bowl and shook the chocolate cereal into it.

  “We’re having eggs this morning,” I told her. She stared at me, challenging me as she moved a spoonful of coco pops to her mouth.

  “I want coco pops too,” Emily complained, pushing her plate away.

  “We’re not having coco pops today,” I growled, feeling myself losing control.

  “I am!” Hailey said.

  “Me too.” Emily reached for the box and I shot forward, snatching it from her.

  “I said we’re not having them,” I shouted.

  “She can have them if she wants,” Hailey said, grabbing the packet from me.

  “No, she can’t.”

  The defiance in Hailey’s eyes made something inside me snap. I stormed over to the back door, flung it open and hurled the cereal box out onto the patio. “No one is having coco pops!”

  Hailey looked amused when I turned back inside. “I am.” Her slow, methodical crunching of the cereal grated on my every nerve.

  “No, you’re not!” I picked up the cereal bowl, leaving her holding the spoon in mid-air. Returning to the back door, I flung the bowl out. It smashed against the flagstones and I screamed, a low monstrous sound. I slammed the door, my hands shaking, and turned to see Adam staring at me with a look of anger and disgust.

  “I made eggs,” I said, as though that might explain everything. Emily’s face crumpled. When I moved towards her she wailed, dodging past me to get to Adam. Hailey kept her gaze on the table in front of her. I watched Emily cling to Adam and hated myself. “I made eggs,” I said again, bringing a hand to my face as I felt myself falling apart. My legs felt weak and my eyes blurred with tears. “Sorry, baby, I’m sorry.” I put a hand on Emily’s back. She flinched. Protectively, Adam turned her away from me.

  I fled upstairs and heard Ruth’s sing-song voice ring around the house just as I made it to the bathroom. Running water into the sink, I splashed my face furiously. Adam’s heavy footsteps followed me upstairs.

  I’d hoped for some compassion or sympathy, maybe even some understanding, but there was only anger in his eyes.

  “What the hell was that?”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, fighting to breathe.

  “You’re sorry? You just terrified my nieces! What the hell is happening to you?”

  “Your nieces?” I shouted, grabbing a towel to dry my face. “I thought we were a family. I’m killing myself here, and no one even notices me. I’m living in someone else’s house, looking after someone else’s kids, and getting everything wrong. I hate this. I hate it! I don’t want to live like this!”

  His jaw tightened. “What’s happened?”

  “I need to get ready for work,” I told him, hearing Ruth shouting for Adam to hurry up. “You should go too. You’ll be late.”

  He shook his head. “We can talk tonight.” He seemed calmer but didn’t kiss me goodbye before he left. I’m not sure when he’d stopped doing that.

  I called work and told them I was ill and wouldn’t be coming in, then waited until it was quiet downstairs before fetching a dustpan and brush to clean up the mess on the patio. Tears streamed down my face as I swept up the broken cereal bowl.

  Then I took the car up to Tom’s place. Where else would I go? The words tumbled out of my mouth as soon as I got there. I prattled like a crazy person, telling him how hard everything was and that I couldn’t cope. That I didn’t want to be there. I yelled at him th
at I wanted to leave.

  “Tell me what to do,” I begged. “If you tell me to stay, I’ll stay.” I needed to hear him get angry with me, to shout at me and tell me to pull myself together, to tell me I should stay no matter what. He didn’t, though, and I left feeling even angrier. I was angry at Tom now as well as Adam and Hailey and Ruth. Becky and Will too – I was furious at them. How dare they die and ruin all our lives?

  Aware that I was shaking and couldn’t see for crying, I abandoned the car. Keeping my head down and walking quickly, I made it to the back door of the pub. I banged heavily on the door until it finally opened and I fell into Mike’s arms.

  “I didn’t know where to go,” I told him. I couldn’t catch my breath. My legs went from under me as everything went blissfully dark.

  “Do you ever eat?” Mike asked. I opened my eyes and found myself lying on his couch. He gave me a glass of water and I sat up to sip it.

  “What’s going on?” he asked.

  “Sorry,” I sniffed, wiping at the tears which wouldn’t stop flowing. “I need to leave but I don’t know how.”

  “Leave Adam?”

  “Adam, the village, that house, the kids … everything.”

  “Why now?”

  “I thought things would get better, but they’re just getting worse.”

  He nodded. “I don’t want to encourage you to leave, but you need to do something. You’ve lost so much weight I’m worried you’ll fade away, and you’re miserable. You need to look after yourself for a while. What’s with the fainting?”

  “I just didn’t eat today, and I’m so tired. I screamed at the girls, threw stuff…” I paused and fresh tears appeared. “Adam looked at me like he hates me. I went to talk to Tom…” I paused again but Mike barely reacted. He certainly didn’t look surprised. “Don’t tell Adam; he wouldn’t like it.”

  “I’m going to make you a sandwich. Are you going to work today?” He nodded his approval when I told him I wasn’t. “Good. Eat something and sleep for a while. Everything will be clearer then.”

  When I woke an hour later, Mike was gone, and I left the pub by the back door. I retrieved my car and sent Adam a quick message telling him he’d have to pick Hailey up from school. I’d be home late. Then I left the claustrophobic village of Havendon and drove to Manchester.

  Chapter 19

  I parked in a multi-storey car park in the centre of Manchester, and went into the first hairdresser I found. After waiting twenty minutes on a leather couch, a stylist introduced herself as Marina. She sat me in front of a mirror and asked me what I wanted. I gave her vague instructions to cut a lot off and make it look nice.

  She did as instructed, and I nodded my approval when she held up the mirror to show me the back. My dark hair bounced with volume and fell in layers to just above my shoulders. It was suddenly glossy and healthy again, framing my face. It felt good to admire my new look in the mirror. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done anything for me. I’d taken to scraping my hair back into a ponytail and not really caring about my appearance. As I studied my reflection, Mike’s comment about my weight came to my mind. My clothes had been a little looser recently, but I didn’t think it was noticeable to anyone else. My cheekbones looked suddenly pronounced. I told myself it was probably the haircut, and got up to follow Marina to the till.

  After that, I found a place to get my nails done and then took my time wandering around the shops, trying on clothes at random. I found that I fit easily into a size 8, where I’d previously been a solid 10 to 12. After purchasing a pair of jeans and a couple of tops, I tried on a pretty summer dress, buying it even though it seemed extravagant. I lived in work clothes or jeans and T-shirts, my reduced hours meaning that I didn’t have extra cash to splash on anything unnecessary. I hadn’t gone shopping for anything other than essentials for a long time.

  Finally, I found myself in the children’s section of Debenhams, where I picked out outfits for Emily and Hailey. Ruth had always taken them shopping when they needed anything new, and it only occurred to me now that it might be a fun thing to do.

  When I got bored of shopping, I took myself to the cinema and sat in a near-empty theatre watching a romantic comedy, a sad smile on my face. I’d checked my phone once, early in the day, needing to be sure Adam had seen my message and would be there for Hailey. His text messages had been angry enough that I chose not to listen to the voicemails he left. Instead, I left my phone on silent, buried deep in my handbag.

  I arrived on the doorstep of my friends’ beautiful old Victorian house early in the evening. I’d met Chrissie and Matt on A Trip to Remember; we were three strangers, thrown together along with four others to spend a week in the Spanish sunshine. I’d only taken part in the TV show on a whim, in a moment of madness after losing my job, and the bond I’d developed with the others on the show had been unexpected.

  The friendships we’d formed would last a lifetime. I knew I would always be welcome in their homes and their lives, regardless of how much time had passed without us speaking. Nonetheless, as my hand hovered over the bell, I felt guilty that I’d not been in touch for so long. Worse, I’d forgotten to return calls and messages. Since Hailey and Emily had arrived in my life, I’d let my social life and friendships fall by the wayside.

  “Hey, stranger!” Matt greeted me warmly with a huge smile and an even bigger hug. He was tall and well built, and his hugs always made me feel small.

  “I’ve missed you,” I said, feeling unexpectedly sad.

  “Chrissie!” he shouted, drawing me in and closing the door behind me. “Come and see who’s here.”

  “Oh my God!” Chrissie beamed as she walked out of the kitchen. Her ginger hair was pulled back into a ponytail, loose strands spiralling around her face. “I thought you’d fallen off the planet. You could return my calls once in a while.” She looked at me seriously for a moment. I apologised. “Okay, you’re forgiven! Are you staying for dinner?”

  “I’d love to,” I said, following her back to the kitchen.

  “It’s nothing exciting,” she warned. “Just pasta. What are you doing in town?”

  “I’ve been on a little shopping spree,” I told her.

  “Aw, you left poor Adam babysitting while you’ve been off having fun?” Matt said.

  “Something like that.” I ignored the look the two of them exchanged. “Do you think I could crash in your spare room tonight? I don’t think I can face the drive back.”

  They exchanged another look and neither of them spoke.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Of course you can stay,” Chrissie said.

  “What’s going on?” Matt asked, leaning against the sideboard while Chrissie busied herself filling a pan with water. He raised his eyebrows when I looked at him questioningly. “Adam called both of us today. I promised to let him know if you turned up here.”

  Chrissie eyed me sympathetically, and I felt guilty for getting them caught in the middle of things.

  “I just needed a break.”

  “Call him and tell him where you are at least,” Matt said.

  “It’s fine. I messaged him earlier. He’s not expecting me home. I’ll call him later,” I promised.

  “Fine!” Matt put an arm around me and squeezed me affectionately. “You should come round more often; it’s nice to see you. I’m going to jump in the shower before dinner.”

  “Your hair looks nice,” Chrissie said, pulling a bottle of wine out of the fridge.

  “Thanks. I just got it cut. Do I look like I’ve lost weight?” I blurted. She laughed as she poured the wine, then handed me a glass.

  “Oh – you were serious, weren’t you?”

  “Yeah.” I clinked my glass against hers, taking a sip.

  “You’re tiny,” she told me. “If you want me to be honest, I don’t think you look healthy – but there’s a chance I’m just jealous! Let’s sit in the living room while the pasta cooks.” I followed her through, noticing the bridal magazine
s balanced on the arm of the chair.

  “Oh!” I glanced from the magazines to Chrissie. She held up her left hand to show me her delicate engagement ring. “Congratulations!” I hugged her. “That’s amazing.” I plastered a smile on my face and ignored the pangs of jealousy that stabbed at my chest.

  “I would have told you if you’d returned my calls. You missed a good party.”

  “Sorry,” I said, sheepishly. “I’m a terrible friend.”

  “Yeah,” she agreed cheerfully. “But you’re forgiven.”

  “Fill me in, then,” I said. “Have you set a date? How did he propose?”

  I listened intently, smiling in all the right places and hoping she didn’t feel the envy that permeated my every fibre.

  Matt interrupted us ten minutes later, his phone in his hand, and thrust it at me. “I didn’t call him; he called me.”

  “Thanks,” I said. Chrissie discreetly scuttled off to the kitchen.

  “Why aren’t you answering your phone?” Adam demanded. I resisted the urge to hang up, knowing he’d only call back. The problem was, that I knew I didn’t have a reasonable answer to his questions.

  “I just needed some time to myself.”

  “I have to work!” he said angrily. “I can’t just drop everything to pick Hailey up without any warning.”

  “I messaged you this morning. That was a fair amount of warning.”

  “I had to leave in the middle of a job,” he told me.

  “She is your niece,” I told him calmly.

  “Is that what this is all about?” he asked, tiredness creeping into his voice.

  “No, it’s only a part of it.”

  “Just come home and we can talk.”

  I imagined him pacing as I told him I was going to stay the night with Chrissie and Matt.

  “Can you just think about the girls for a minute?” He spat the words at me fiercely. “You scream at them this morning, and then you disappear and don’t come home. They don’t understand what’s going on. Neither do I.”