Bear Anchor (BBW Shifter Romance) (FisherBears Book 2)

by Becca Fanning

  Sam swallowed. “ I can’t help but feel anxious sometimes,” she said softly.

  “Relax,” Trevor replied. He patted her belly once more and returned his hand to the wheel, guiding the SUV with ease. “Everything’s gonna be fine. As soon as they see their grandkid, they’re gonna be overjoyed.”

  Samantha bit her lip. She didn’t tell Trevor what his mother had said on their last visit – that if Samantha had really loved her son, she would have found a way to make him fertile. She knew that it was bullshit, but it had stung all the same. She’d cried afterwards, feeling like she’d given up by visiting the sperm bank.

  But two hours later, Samantha’s nerves were more frayed than ever before. Trevor’s mother, Angela, was ignoring her and his father, Bruce, was acting like he’d never met Samantha. Gone was the warm older couple who had welcomed Sam into their home. Now, Angela and Bruce were like strangers. And worst of all, Trevor wasn’t doing anything about it! Samantha’s eyes filled with tears as she sat apart from the group, watching Trevor chat with his mother and father like she wasn’t even there.

  “Excuse me,” Sam said. “I have to run to the bathroom.”

  No one looked at her as she stood up and waddled into the house. She was almost nine months pregnant, and couldn’t wait to be back to her own size again. Carrying her son around in her belly had long since lost the novelty, and she was eagerly looking forward to meeting him face to face.

  In the bathroom, Samantha slid her jumper down and sat heavily on the toilet seat. The porcelain groaned with her added weight and she cringed. There was a dull ache in her lower belly, almost pressure, like she had to pee. But when she relaxed her muscles, nothing happened. Instead, the pain became sharper.

  Samantha gasped. “Trevor,” she croaked. “Help!” Forgetting that he wasn’t even in the house, Samantha gasped and stumbled. She yanked up her jumper and barely managed to get the door open before falling onto her hands and knees. Pain shot through her body. This wasn’t normal pain, the kind of pain that comes from an accident. Samantha could tell that something was wrong, and she’d begun to sweat so heavily that she smelled hot iron.

  “Trevor!” Samantha screamed. “Help!” Then everything went black.

  When Samantha woke up, she was in a starchy white hospital bed. Everything around her was white – the walls, the ceiling, the floor. Her head ached and as her vision came into focus, she saw Trevor sitting in a chair by the bedside.

  “Trevor,” Samantha squeaked. “What happened?”

  Trevor wouldn’t look at her. His face was buried in his hands. “You lost the baby,” he said.

  “What?” Samantha looked down at her body in horror. Her belly was still huge, dominating the small bed, but she could tell something was wrong. She felt differently, like something was missing. Tears welled up in her eyes and a lump began to form in her throat. “What happened?”

  Just then, a doctor in a white coat came in. He wasn’t smiling. “Ms. Cardiff?”

  Samantha nodded. “Yes, that’s me.”

  The doctor lowered himself into a plastic chair by the bedside. “Ms. Cardiff, why didn’t you come in when you stopped feeling movement?”

  She stared at him. “What are you talking about?”

  He frowned. “Your fiancé has told me that you mentioned there was no movement – the baby wasn’t moving – for a few days now.”

  Samantha shook her head. “That’s not true!” She cried hotly. “I mean,” she sniffled. “You told me that there wouldn’t be as much movement going forward!” She balled her hands into fists at her sides. “You told me that as soon as the baby shifted, he wouldn’t be moving much. You said there wasn’t any room!”

  “I said he wouldn’t be moving much, not that he’d stop moving all together.” The doctor frowned again. “You really should have come in sooner.”

  “Are you….” Samantha gulped. “Are you saying this is my fault?”

  “No one’s saying anything,” the doctor replied in a calm voice. “I’m just asking questions.”

  “And what happened?” Samantha struggled to sit up but her whole body ached. Her face hurt, her hands hurt, even her hair hurt. “What happened to my son?”

  “We had to induce labor,” the doctor said. He glanced down. “It was an intrauterine fetal death.”

  Chapter Two

  When Sam had managed to stop crying, she took a deep breath and called her boss, Randy. She explained that she was feeling really ill and that she’d have to go home for the rest of the day. Randy agreed, and even though Sam could sense he wasn’t pleased with her, she felt immensely relieved that she wouldn’t have to return to work. She drove along the streets, not yet wanting to return to her empty house, and again her thoughts drifted back towards that dark time, two years ago.

  It had been over with Trevor almost immediately. They hadn’t broken up, but Samantha felt an ever-present chill in the air. She knew that it was only a matter of time before he was gone. In the end, he hadn’t left. He’d stayed at home for weeks at a time, mourning and eating ice cream all day long on the couch. He’d grown plump in an alarmingly short amount of time, and one day Samantha realized that she no longer recognized the chubby, hairy man sitting on the sofa. The pain she’d felt inside was so immense that she was afraid to open her mouth in fear that everything would come rushing out at once.

  After six months had passed with no hint of intimacy between them, Samantha came home from work and placed her ring on the coffee table.

  “Trevor, I don’t think this is right anymore,” she said softly. “I know you can’t forgive me for what happened, but we both need to move on.”

  Trevor stared silently ahead. As Samantha looked into his face, she saw no trace of the man she’d once loved.

  “Trevor,” Samantha’s voice cracked as she spoke and she covered her face with her hands. “Trevor, please. Tell me you love me, tell me you want to keep trying. Anything! Something!”

  Trevor kept staring as though he didn’t even register Samantha’s presence.

  “I’m leaving,” Samantha said in a shaky voice. She walked upstairs and packed a small bag, expecting Trevor to come after her at any moment and pull her into his arms, stroke her hair, tell her that he was sorry and that he loved her more than words could say.

  But it never happened. She made it outside before the sobs started, and as she drove away, she never even looked back.

  Samantha shook her head, sending her long black hair flying. Even now, two years later, the hurt came back so sharply that she felt like she’d been stabbed in the chest. She’d never expected anything to hurt this much.

  As a child, Samantha had been incredibly close with her grandmother. They’d done everything together – cooked, baked, gone swimming and hiking in the woods nearby. When her grandmother died, Samantha thought that she’d never get over it. The hurt had been sharp, like a wound, but eventually it had started to dull with the passing of time.

  Losing Eric and Trevor hadn’t been like that. Samantha mourned the loss of her son every day. On the bad day, the emotional ones, she couldn’t even look at a mother and child together in the grocery store.

  I have to keep trying to get on with my life, Samantha thought dully as she slipped into a parking space and hit the brakes. I have to keep going. Just one day at a time. I got up this morning, I got dressed and I went to work. I can keep doing this, I can!

  Samantha closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I can do this,” she said aloud. Her voice was shaky and hoarse – the sound almost startled her. She grabbed her work bag and her purse and started up the driveway.

  “Hey.”

  Samantha’s eyes flicked up from the ground and landed on Rust. He was standing there, in front of the door to her apartment, with a large bouquet of roses. When he saw her face, he took a step backwards.

  “I know, I know, you don’t want to see me right now,” Rust said slowly. He set the roses on the ground and spread his hands. “But I have
something else to say to you.”

  Samantha eyed him warily. She felt acutely embarrassed for the way she’d acted earlier, but seeing Rust again was making the pain feel sharp once more.

  “I had to apologize,” Rust said. He took a cautious step towards Samantha. She swallowed hard. Up close, she could see the sun reflecting in his amber eyes. She frowned. He didn’t look predatory. There was nothing intimidating about him – he looked like a giant, friendly teddy bear of a man. She nodded slightly, jerking her head to the side.

  “Okay,” Samantha said softly. “Apologize, then.”

  Rust nodded. He looked nervous – Samantha realized she could see his pulse beating at the side of his throat. “I wanted to tell you how deeply sorry I am that you were suffering,” Rust said in the same low, soft voice. “I had no idea that I was ever going to be a father. That wasn’t me, you know? And when I found out what had happened…” Rust closed his eyes and shook his head bitterly. “I was beyond horrified,” he finished simply. “I couldn’t believe I had a hand in causing a stranger so much pain. I am so, so sorry.”

  “And I know you have a lot to process but the doctors said that when my people and your people have children, it doesn’t have any bearing on…that is to say me being a Shifter didn’t play any part in…” Rust trailed off.

  Samantha was startled to see tears welling up in the man’s eyes. She was humbled by the outpouring of intense emotion – even though she knew Trevor had mourned, it had seemed to cut him off from her. Rust was the opposite – his emotional reaction was drawing her in, making her feel connected to him.

  “It hurts,” Samantha said softly. She gazed into Rust’s eyes and watched as he wiped away a tear. “And not having anyone made it hurt even more.”

  Rust nodded. “Just know how sorry I am. I never believed that I would cause someone so much pain, and I can sense how badly I’ve hurt you.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a slip of paper. “I wrote my phone number down, you know, in case you ever wanted to talk.”

  Samantha froze. “Okay,” she mumbled. “Thank you.” She reached forward and took the slip of paper, sticking it in her pocket with a mechanical gesture.

  “I’ll be going now,” Rust said. He nodded at Samantha and then loped off, down the road. Samantha watched as he climbed into a Jeep. She waited for the car to move but it didn’t, and the pain in her chest seemed to throb with the acute closeness of what had just happened.

  It was his baby, too, a voice inside of her said.

  “I can’t think about that right now,” Samantha said aloud. She reached down and picked up the bouquet of roses. “I have to take care of you guys,” she said to the flowers. “You look a little wilted.”

  Going inside, Samantha dropped her bags at the door. Then she went into the kitchen and trimmed the stems of the roses, placing them all in a clear glass vase shaped like a cone. The phone mounted on the wall caught her attention and she stared at it for a long time, acutely aware of the slip of paper in her pocket. It felt hot, like Rust’s number was going to burn a hole through her clothes.

  Finally, she gave in and picked up the receiver. As she dialed, she closed her eyes.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, this is Samantha,” Samantha said nervously. “Do you have time to see me today? I could really use a talk.”

  --

  Twenty minutes later, Samantha was lying on the couch in her therapist’s office, across town. Dr. Delaney was a woman in her early fifties, with a comforting smile and a gorgeous sweep of icy-white hair. She nodded at Samantha with compassionate eyes.

  “It’s nice to see you,” Dr. Delaney said warmly. “It’s been a couple of weeks. How are you?”

  Samantha didn’t reply. She pursed her lips, staring at the poster of flowers that was tacked on the ceiling. “I had a bad day,” she said softly. “I….I ran into someone that I didn’t ever want to meet.”

  Dr. Delaney frowned. “What happened?”

  There was a long pause. Samantha had begun attending therapy shortly after she’d moved out of Trevor’s house. Dr. Delaney knew all of the gritty details of Eric’s stillbirth, but Samantha felt reticent discussing Rust for some reason.

  “A man came into my office today and said he needed to talk to me.” Samantha closed her eyes, finding it easy to speak when she wasn’t staring her therapist in the face. “He told me that he’d donated sperm to some kind of research project, and it had been accidentally used to impregnate me.”

  “Wow,” Dr. Delaney replied. She was sitting in a chair a few feet away from the couch. Samantha watched as she made a couple of notes on a small pad in her lap. “That had to feel very intense. I understand why you wanted to talk.”

  The small words of compassion were almost overwhelming, and Samantha felt herself tearing up. She nodded imperceptibly. “It was,” she said softly. “It was really hard.”

  “How did it make you feel?”

  A tear rolled down the side of Samantha’s head. She shifted her position on the couch so she was lying on her side. “Angry,” she said slowly. “I was really mad at him for finding me.”

  “And why is that?”

  “I don’t know,” Samantha admitted. “I don’t know why he was mad. It….the talk didn’t go well, and I wound up storming away. When I got home, the guy was outside, in my driveway, waiting for me with roses.”

  “I wonder if he wanted to make sure you didn’t feel guilty.”

  Samantha opened her eyes and stared at Dr. Delaney. “What?”

  “Trevor made you feel guilty, Sam. He made you feel like all of this was your fault, didn’t he?”

  Samantha nodded slowly. A new wave of tears came over her. Dr. Delaney handed over a box of tissues and Samantha wiped her face before blowing her nose. “I felt guilty,” she said softly. “And this guy broke down and said that he never imagined he’d hurt so much or cause anyone else to be hurt, either. He was upset.” She bit her lip and swallowed hard. “I didn’t think he’d apologize for hurting me so badly.”

  Dr. Delaney nodded her head slowly. “Sam, how do you feel right now?”

  Samantha closed her eyes again. “Not great,” she admitted softly. “Like I want to go home and hide from the world, forever. Like I don’t ever want to go back to work or talk to anyone.” She crossed her arms over her chest and hugged herself tightly. “I wish this had never happened,” she said fiercely. “It made me think about the past again. I thought I’d worked on forgetting it!”

  “Sometimes, we have to use what’s happened in the past to make ourselves stronger,” Dr. Delaney replied. “We can’t let hurtful things change our goals in life, Sam.”

  Samantha’s shoulders slumped. “I want a family, but I don’t even see how it’s possible,” she whispered. “I don’t think I deserve another chance. I lost one baby. What about another?”

  “Samantha,” Dr. Delaney said in a strict voice. “You can’t keep blaming yourself. You know that you had absolutely nothing to do with what happened. The doctor should have been more clear.”

  “He made me feel guilty,” Samantha whispered. Hot tears ran down her cheeks but this time, she made no effort to wipe them away. “And Trevor never talked to me again.”

  Dr. Delaney sighed softly. “Sam, I want you to go home and think about what you really want. And the next time we see each other, we’re going to talk about how to put those steps in motion.” She gave Samantha an encouraging smile. “Everything is going to be alright, Samantha. If it’s not alright, then it’s not the end. You’re young and healthy, there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t have a family. You’re beautiful and smart and would make any man a wonderful partner. You’re going to be a great mom, too.”

  Samantha sobbed. She tried letting Dr. Delaney’s words sink in, but she felt like there was a giant block on her head. “It hurts,” she said through the tears. “It hurts so much. I just don’t want it to hurt anymore! I want to be over this!”

  “I’m going to tell
you something that you might not want to hear,” Dr. Delaney said. Her voice was both firm and soft and something about it made Samantha open her eyes and stop crying. “You may never get over it. It might always hurt. But if you’re not being kind to yourself, you won’t be able to move on at all.” She looked into Samantha’s eyes. “Sam, you have to be kind to yourself.” Dr. Delaney tore a clean sheet out of her notebook. “This weekend, I want you to research self-care. Just take an hour and go online and do some searching. I think you could benefit tremendously from being more caring towards yourself.”