Mummy, Make It Stop

by Fox, Louise

  When she wasn’t partying at home, Mum was in the pub. Her favourite, the Angel Inn, was a few minutes from us, just off the estate. She would arrive there wearing stiletto heels and plastered with make-up and often spent most of the day there, drinking and joking around with the other regulars.

  I didn’t mind her being in the pub - at least the house wasn’t full of people sitting around expecting me to make them tea. But it meant I was on my own even more, mooching around and wondering what to do with myself. Sometimes I went down to the pub with Mum and sat quietly in a corner with a packet of crisps, just so that I didn’t have to be on my own.

  Most of the people in the pub were really friendly and some of them would come and say hello to me. But I never found it easy to chat or join in; I would blush and look awkward, until they gave up.

  The pub was run by a couple, Gavin and Sheila. They were really nice and would often bring their three-year-old daughter, Lauren, down from the flat upstairs, where they lived. I would sit and cuddle her and play with her, and Mum suggested they might want me to babysit when they were busy and both had to work behind the bar. They jumped at the offer, and after that I often spent evenings upstairs at the pub, especially at weekends, playing with Lauren and putting her to bed. They didn’t pay me, but I didn’t mind - I loved looking after her and wished that I could have a baby of my own to care for.

  Sheila was nice to me, but it was Gavin who was really friendly towards me. He would often pop up to see if I was OK, bringing me some crisps and lemonade from the bar. Sometimes he’d stay and chat and I loved the attention. I thought he was really good-looking and developed a bit of a crush on him, even though he was much older than I was. But I kept it to myself - he was married and, besides, I was sure he would only think it was a joke if he knew.

  When Mum met yet another new man, Craig, I didn’t think he’d be any different from the others who’d come and gone. But Mum swore he was special and within a few days he’d moved in with us. He seemed all right. He was pleasant to me and he and Mum were always draped over one another, but it all seemed a bit hasty. Then one day, a couple of weeks after they’d met, Mum asked me to babysit at the pub so that Gavin and Sheila could go out with her and Craig for a few hours. I didn’t know where they were going, but it didn’t really matter, I was happy to babysit anyway.

  When they got back, Mum seemed really excited and Gavin began pouring drinks for all of them. ‘Guess what?’ Mum said, coming over to where I was standing holding Lauren. ‘We’ve got married! We just came from the register office - Gavin and Sheila were our witnesses.’

  I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to be glad for her, but she’d known Craig for two weeks. And she hadn’t bothered to tell me she was going to marry him - or to invite me. Or Tanya or Jamie, come to that.

  ‘Great, Mum. Congratulations,’ I managed, before turning to take Lauren back upstairs. If Mum noticed that I was upset, she didn’t care. They partied into the night and then went home and slept well into the next day.

  Two days after the wedding Craig said he was just popping to the shops for something. ‘See you in a minute,’ he called, as he went out of the door. He never came back.

  Mum wasn’t worried at first, but when she checked with the pub and he hadn’t been there, it dawned on her that he’d done a flit. She heard a few weeks later that he’d turned up on the other side of town, but she never managed to find him again, so she wasn’t able to get a divorce.

  Everyone at the pub had a good laugh over it. Even Tanya and I teased Mum. It had been a pretty crazy thing to do. Mum seemed to see the funny side. But then, a few days later, I came back home after babysitting to find Mum sitting alone in the front room, in the dark.

  ‘Are you OK?’ I asked her. She pulled out a note and handed it to me. I looked at it - it said that she’d had enough of trying to cope with us kids and how horrible we were, that we made her ill and she wanted to get away from us forever.

  I was devastated and burst into tears. It felt awful to think she wanted to leave me. I couldn’t help feeling that it was my fault and that I must be really bad. Yet when I looked up at her, she was grinning.

  I wondered if she really hated us or if she’d written such a cruel note because she really was broken-hearted over Craig. But if she was, she made an amazingly rapid recovery in the next few days. She seemed to forget she had just gained and lost a husband, and she went back to partying and hanging out at the pub.

  I carried on babysitting. It was nice to have something to do apart from sitting around watching people drink, and Gavin and Sheila were always nice to me. In fact, Gavin was becoming nicer and nicer. I always felt like the ugly one next to Tanya, so when he started telling me how lovely I was, I felt great. He was popping up to see me all the time, and he began sitting next to me and holding my hand at first and then cuddling me and stroking my arm.

  I wasn’t sure what to do. I liked him, and he was nice to me, when most people barely noticed me. But he was older and married, and I didn’t want to do anything wrong. So I sat, blushing and saying very little, unsure whether to run or not, while he paid me compliments, told me how gorgeous I was and got more and more amorous.

  The trouble was that I thought Gavin was wonderful and different from the men who had hurt me when I was little. I would have done anything for him. I didn’t see that he was a grown man in his early thirties grooming a thirteen-year-old girl. I just thought he was lovely because he was nice to me and wanted to spend time with me. I was the perfect prey.

  Then one day he told me that he and Sheila were going to look after a pub in Wales for the weekend, to give the owners a break. They wanted me to go along with them to babysit. Mum was going to look after their pub while they were away, so everything was taken care of. I thought it sounded like an adventure, so I said yes.

  In the car on the way up I sat in the back, next to Lauren, who was strapped into her seat. Sheila was in the passenger seat and as the hours passed both she and the toddler fell asleep. I became aware that Gavin was looking at me in his rear-view mirror. Time and time again I saw his eyes were fixed on me, and I became more and more uncomfortable. Why was he doing that? I just wanted him to stop.

  When we finally arrived it was late. I helped Sheila put Lauren to bed, and then went to bed myself. I was sharing a room with Lauren, so that I’d be there if she woke.

  I’d almost fallen asleep when Gavin appeared in the room. He told me how beautiful I was and that he had feelings for me. Then he sat on my bed and kissed me. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. His daughter was asleep next to us, his wife was downstairs in the pub, and if I screamed or made a fuss she would hear. So I did what I had always done - I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.

  After a few minutes, Gavin heard a noise and said, ‘I’d better go, but remember, it’s you I want,’ and slipped out. I lay awake for the next few hours in turmoil. I wanted a boyfriend, like Tanya, I wanted to be loved and I liked Gavin so much. But this was all wrong - Gavin was married, and too old. I didn’t know what to do.

  The next day Gavin kept winking at me, and when he passed me he would touch my bottom, or brush against me. When we went home, a couple of days later, I was relieved. But after a few days Sheila asked me to babysit. ‘We’re going to be really busy,’ she said. ‘Can you stay over? Then we needn’t worry about keeping you up late.’

  I agreed, and she showed me the spare room, where she’d made up the bed. I didn’t mind staying - it was a cold night and I didn’t want to have to walk home if Mum was staying on late. But in the back of my mind there was a nagging worry about Gavin. Surely he wouldn’t try anything - would he?

  The evening passed quietly. I put Lauren to bed, watched some TV and went to bed myself. Sheila had brought me up a drink and some crisps and there had been no sign of Gavin.

  The next morning I woke in the early hours, around dawn. Suddenly the door to my room opened and I saw a shadow in the light from the hall. It was Gav
in, wearing only his shorts and t-shirt, holding a finger to his lips to indicate that I should keep quiet. He walked over and sat on the edge of my bed, stroking my hair away from my face, and then leaned over and kissed me. Within minutes he had climbed in next to me and was rolling on top of me. Frozen with panic, I didn’t dare say a word as he forced himself inside me.

  Then the door banged open and the light was switched on. Sheila stood there, her face a mixture of anger and surprise. Gavin leaped from the bed and I lay rigid, my heart pounding so hard I thought it would explode.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she said, looking from Gavin to me.

  ‘Shit,’ Gavin whispered under his breath. ‘Louise had stomach ache and I was just seeing if she was OK,’ he said lamely.

  The next moment, Sheila launched herself at him, hitting him, screaming and crying.

  ‘What? On top of her in bed,’ she yelled. ‘You dirty bastard, she’s a child.’

  I hoped she would know I hadn’t encouraged him, but I was soon proved wrong.

  ‘Get out of that fucking bed now,’ she yelled at me, dragging the covers off and then lunging at me with her fists. ‘You dirty little slut, get the fuck out of my house.’

  She turned to Gavin. ‘And as for you, I’m calling the police straight away,’ she shouted. She went towards the phone, but Gavin grabbed it, begging her to calm down and talk it over.

  I stood with my back against the wall, still in my pyjamas, rooted to the spot. All I wanted to do was get out of the house and back home with Mum where I would be safe.

  Sheila finally got hold of the phone and called Mum.

  ‘You’d better get round here now and get your slag of a daughter out of this place before I fucking kill her,’ she yelled down the phone. ‘I’ve just caught the slut in bed with Gavin,’ and she slammed the phone down.

  She and Gavin disappeared into another room, and I was left there on my own, wishing a hole would appear and swallow me up.

  Ten minutes later Mum arrived. By that time Lauren had woken and was crying, and Sheila was screaming at Gavin.

  ‘You stay away from my daughter,’ she yelled. ‘You’re never going to see her again.’

  Mum grabbed my arm and dragged me out. She had a taxi waiting outside and we both got in. We went home in total silence. Mum didn’t even look at me, and I didn’t dare speak, or try to explain. I felt so confused. I hadn’t done anything at all. Gavin had come into my room and got into bed with me, yet I was being blamed.

  Back home, Mum marched me through the front door and up the stairs and then shoved me angrily into my bedroom.

  ‘You’re a disgrace and disgusting. Stay in your room all day and I’ll deal with you tomorrow,’ she shouted, slamming the door behind her.

  I crawled into bed and lay crying for a long time. I wished I could turn back the clock and do something differently, but I wasn’t even sure what. I curled up and held my knees tightly against my chest, gasping and crying as quietly as I could.

  I was still crying by the time night arrived. I cried myself to sleep.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The next morning Mum ignored me, walking away when I went into the kitchen and slamming the door behind her. A few minutes later she came back in and told me I was grounded for the next two weeks. I never went anywhere anyhow so the grounding was pointless and didn’t worry me. What did hurt was the look on Mum’s face as she told me I had brought shame on the family and was a slut and a slag. I sat silently as she shouted at me. I wanted to curl into a small ball. I needed her to hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault and that everything would be all right. I wanted her to say that Gavin had taken advantage of me and was wrong. When she didn’t, I began to doubt myself. Perhaps it was me, after all. I was the bad one, I thought. By the time she had finished laying into me I felt I would be better off dead.

  I stayed at home for the next two weeks, mostly in my room, venturing out only to eat and use the bathroom. I felt dirty and shamed and lost. I had liked Gavin and the attention he gave me - so did that make me guilty? Why did my own mum always blame me, even when other people hurt me? I didn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere. Just curl up in my bed and cry.

  Jamie’s court case was due, and Mum wanted to go. He was pleading guilty, so she didn’t have to testify. She missed Jamie and hoped he would get off with another fine and come back to live with us.

  Neither Tanya nor I went to court with her. She didn’t ask us to go, and we thought she’d arrive back with Jamie that afternoon. But when she came home, she was alone, and her face was like stone.

  ‘Bastards,’ she said. ‘Those bastards have sent him to a detention centre. Six months, he got. All for nicking a few bits and pieces. He should have got a fine, or community service. Those pigs had it in for him. I’m going to the pub,’ and she stomped out again.

  Mum had told me she could never go back to the Angel Inn after I had shamed her. But within days of the incident, Gavin and Sheila had split up and left the pub and new landlords had taken over. She made sure I knew that it was all my fault, that I had broken them up. But at the same time I could see she was pleased, because she could go back there again.

  That’s where she headed after Jamie was sent down. After she’d gone, Tanya and I looked at one another. We both knew Jamie had had it coming - he’d been thieving for years, and fines had never stopped him. But we were sorry too. We loved Jamie, and now he was gone, just like Paul.

  A few weeks later Mum met a new man in the pub. Alan lived right next door to it - perfect for Mum. She fell for him in a big way and they started seeing one another every day. He was a bit older than Mum, reasonable-looking and friendly; he was very popular at the pub. He had a job and drove a nice car. So it was hard to work out what he saw in Mum. Perhaps it was just that she was lively and loved a party. Whatever it was, they quickly became an item, and from then on Mum was glued to his side.

  I liked Alan, and the relationship actually seemed to calm Mum down a bit. She’d been moving from one man to another for months, so I was glad she seemed keen and hoped she’d stick with him. He was nice to me, and life was a bit easier with him around.

  I couldn’t help wishing that I had a boyfriend of my own. Mum, despite her size and the scars, had no trouble attracting men, and Tanya seemed to have five at once. All I wanted was one, but no-one had shown any interest in me at all, and I was beginning to think they never would when I met Daniel.

  I don’t know who brought him to our house. He’d never been before, but he appeared at one of Mum’s parties one night and sat quietly on the sofa, holding a can of beer. I thought he looked really nice - he was over six foot, with a nice smile, dimples and dark brown hair and eyes. He looked fit and muscular and had big hands - I wondered what his job was.

  It didn’t even cross my mind that he might be interested in me. I ended up sitting next to him on the sofa because that was the only space in the room. So when - without saying a word to me - he took my hand, I was thrilled and shocked. I sat, my hand in his, neither of us looking at the other, wondering if he’d meant to hold my hand or had done it without even noticing.

  We didn’t say more than a few words to one another, and I realised he was as shy as I was. Sneaking little glances at him, I decided he was lovely. I couldn’t believe he would really be interested in me. But he was - he stayed right to the end of the party and then, when I walked out into the hallway with him to say goodnight, he kissed me. It was my first proper kiss, and I felt so grown-up. Then he said, ‘I’ll come and see you again tomorrow, if that’s OK?’ I nodded; it was more than OK.

  When he’d gone I wanted to dance around the room. Someone liked me! Someone wanted to see me tomorrow! And not just any old someone - a really nice-looking bloke. I couldn’t imagine why he wanted to see me, but he did, and I felt so happy.

  The next evening he arrived at six, after he’d finished work. He stayed all evening, the two of us sitting on the sofa, holding hands and watching TV. I was stil
l only fourteen and was so nervous that I sat bolt upright, stiff as a board, for most of the evening. But Daniel didn’t seem worried. At ten or eleven he kissed me goodbye, said he’d come the next day, and walked back to the house he shared with his parents, a few streets away.

  That was how it went from then on. Daniel, who was eighteen, worked for a furniture removal firm, lugging crates, beds and chairs in and out of vans. After work every day he came over to see me and we spent the evening together. We never went out, we just sat together - him with a beer, me with a cup of tea - watching TV or chatting. If Mum was having a party we joined in, and if Alan was there, seeing Mum, the four of us would sit together.

  Within a couple of weeks everyone accepted that Daniel and I were an item. I felt so happy that someone liked me. And I liked him - he was quiet, like me, and didn’t ask anything of me. I knew he would come round every evening and being able to count on that gave me confidence.

  Things seemed to have settled down. Tanya was seeing a boy named Danny and was usually out with him, Mum was happy with Alan and was doing a lot less drugs and being less crazy, and I had Daniel. I still saw Dad and Sandra some weekends, but now that Daniel was around, I didn’t stay the night with them.

  Then one day there was a knock at the door. It was a debt collector, threatening to take our furniture if Mum didn’t pay the money she owed. Mum shoved him out and slammed the door.

  ‘It’s that bloody money I had to borrow to pay Jamie’s fines,’ she said. ‘I haven’t got it.’

  By that evening she had come up with a plan. We would do a flit and move in with Alan. Amazingly, given that they had only known each other for a few weeks, Alan seemed quite happy about it. So Mum, Tanya and I packed all our stuff into cardboard boxes, shoved them into the back of Alan’s car once it was dark, and left the house we’d lived in for most of my life.