Mummy, Make It Stop

by Fox, Louise

  I wasn’t really sorry to go, even though it was so sudden. So many bad things had happened there. As I looked back at it one last time, before we drove away, I half hoped that all the unhappy memories would stay with the house.

  Alan lived in a maisonette. It was newer and smarter than our house. I got my own room, overlooking the Angel Inn, and Tanya had the room next door. It took us a few days to get used to the place, but I began to think we might be OK there. It was closer to where Daniel lived, so he carried on coming over every evening, just as he had at home. Alan liked him, and was happy for him to come - they would share a beer together and watch football on TV.

  I settled in, but Tanya didn’t like being at Alan’s and wasn’t getting on with Mum. She was rowing with her all the time, blaming her for us being taken into care. One evening Mum dragged Tanya off the sofa by her hair, screaming at her that she had no right to judge. Within two weeks of us moving in, they’d had an even bigger row and Mum kicked Tanya out. ‘Don’t think you’ll be coming back,’ she spat, throwing a bag of Tanya’s things out of the door after her, ‘because you won’t.’

  Tanya, who was now just seventeen, had dumped Danny and was seeing a boy called Pete, a friend of Daniel’s. Pete had been in the navy but had been discharged after his leg was injured. He had a flat of his own, so Tanya went to live with him. Tanya and Mum refused to make up, but I used to go round and see Tanya. Mum didn’t seem to mind that and I liked it round at Pete’s place, because it got me away from Mum’s constant demands and criticisms.

  By the time I had been going out with Daniel for over a year, he still hadn’t asked me to sleep with him. He always treated me with kindness and respect; it was as if he knew that he needed to be patient with me and wait for the right time. I hadn’t told him about the things that had happened to me in the past; he had never pressed me on anything and I was grateful. He seemed happy to spend every evening with me, hold hands and kiss, and I was happy with that too. His gentle approach was like an antidote to the cruel, abusive treatment I’d suffered before and his loyalty and patience helped me to trust him, when I had never been able to trust any man before.

  When he told me, one day that summer, that he was house-sitting while his parents and sisters were on holiday and wanted to throw a party, I was really pleased. I thought it would make a nice change from sitting in front of the TV. We asked Tanya and Pete and a few other friends over, got some beers in and sorted out some music.

  As we were getting everything ready, Daniel put his arms round me and asked me to stay with him that night. I thought for a moment, and then said I would. I wasn’t sure how I felt about having sex. After so many awful experiences, I couldn’t really imagine it being anything other than an ordeal. But I knew Daniel would be kind and understanding, and I wanted to be with him.

  I went back and asked Mum if I could stay the night at Tanya and Pete’s place, so that I wouldn’t disturb her and Alan when I came in, and she agreed. I didn’t tell her the truth, because I knew she’d go mad and say no. For some reason - I never did work out why - she treated me and Tanya very differently in this respect. While she seemed happy for Tanya to be having sex with boyfriends from the age of fifteen and treated her like another adult, she didn’t feel the same way about me. I was treated like a child, and she made it clear that I wasn’t to sleep with boys. So far, I hadn’t. Not because of Mum’s rules, but because I hadn’t wanted to.

  But Daniel was different and I was determined to make my own mind up.

  The party was fun, and it was very late before everyone left and Daniel and I went into his bedroom. I was nervous, and once I had got into the bed, I lay, stiff as a board. The hurt and abuse I had suffered in the past made me scared of sex and afraid to let him come close. In my mind, being loved wasn’t a good thing; it led to pain and fear and suffering.

  But when Daniel held me gently and told me he loved me, I knew he really meant it. He could feel my fear, and was patient and sweet. He tickled my back, kissed me, stroked me, and told me I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t like. When, eventually, we did make love, it was special, and I was so happy I had waited for someone who really cared about me.

  The next morning we talked and laughed, ate breakfast and cleared up after the party. I stayed until lunchtime, then headed over to the pub, where I knew Mum would be, to get the keys to Alan’s flat.

  I was feeling happy as I walked into the pub. Daniel loved me, and that made me feel special. I knew I’d found a really good man.

  Then I saw Mum’s face.

  She looked up at me as I walked over, and then stood up and said loudly, so that everyone around her could hear, ‘Here she comes, the dirty little slag.’ She threw the keys at me. ‘I know what you’ve been doing, you little tart. You’re disgusting.’

  Mortified, my face burning with embarrassment and shame, I grabbed the keys and fled from the pub. Back in the flat, I lay on my bed sobbing. How could Mum humiliate me like that? Somehow she knew I had stayed at Daniel’s, but I didn’t really understand how she could be so angry about it. I had been with him for a year, he was my steady boyfriend. And I was fifteen - older than Tanya had been when she started sleeping with boys.

  A few minutes later Mum arrived home. Her face furious, eyes blazing, she appeared in the doorway of my room. ‘You’re just like your sister, you filthy little slut,’ she hissed. ‘I saw you at Daniel’s, so don’t pretend you weren’t there. You’re a disgrace. I don’t want you living here any more, so pack your things and get out - right now.

  I was horrified. I had no money and nowhere to go. What on earth was I going to do?

  Shaky and tearful, I put my things into a couple of bags. Mum followed me to the front door. ‘That’s right, get lost,’ she shouted. ‘And don’t come back.’

  She slammed the door behind me and I walked slowly down the street, lugging my bags.

  I had no idea where I was going, or how I would survive.

  Chapter Fifteen

  After wandering around for a couple of hours, I went to the only person I could think of - Tanya. She and Pete only had a one-bedroom flat, but they said I could stay for a few days.

  I called Daniel to tell him what had happened, and he came over. He was shocked, and told me he loved me and would do his best to find us a place to live together - but it would take time, because he didn’t have much money. I was so glad that he wanted us to be together - I wanted to be with him too. But in the meantime I still had nowhere to live and no money.

  Not only was there not much room at Pete and Tanya’s, but Pete was making a living dealing drugs, and I felt really uncomfortable being around it. The whole place stank of cannabis, which was smoked day and night by all the people who came round, and I hated it. I needed somewhere else to go, and Tanya thought of Sally and Rod, the couple who were now living in Terry’s old house, across the road from where we used to live. Tanya knew them and she went to see them and suggested they might like to have me as a lodger, for a bit of extra cash.

  They agreed that I could move into their spare room, so I went to see social services, to tell them what had happened and see if they could help with money. Anna had left her job, so wasn’t around any longer. I was sorry, because I’d known her so long and she’d been kind to me. But the woman who interviewed me was sympathetic and said she’d help.

  While I was still at Tanya and Pete’s, sorting everything out, the two of them decided it would be funny to put a tab of acid - LSD - into my tea, without me knowing. They had a few people round that evening, and Pete asked everyone if they’d like a drink.

  Halfway through drinking my tea, I noticed that Tanya and Pete were watching me and sniggering. I knew they had spiked other people’s drinks in the past - they thought it was a hoot and often did it - so I realised straight away what they had done.

  I went into the kitchen and sieved out the little tablet, and then drank the rest of the tea, thinking it was safe. I didn’t know that a fair amount of the d
rug would already have dissolved. Luckily, it wasn’t the whole lot, so I ended up feeling a bit queasy and seeing things jumping about the room a bit, but I didn’t have the full trip they’d planned for me. I was relieved, and glad that I was moving out the next day.

  I went round to Sally and Rod’s house with my bags in the morning. It felt very strange walking back into the house where Tanya and I had spent so much time with Terry - and suffered at his hands - six years earlier. If there had been any other option I would have taken it. But there wasn’t; I had to do it.

  Sally and Rod were allowed to claim child benefit for me, and social services paid them £10 on top of that, towards my room and board. Mum was claiming family credit for me, and social services suggested that she give it to me, so that I had something to live on, but she refused to hand it over. So I had a place to stay and my meals, but apart from that no money at all.

  Staying with Sally and Rod was not much fun. Neither of them had a job, so they were around the house all day. But they did nothing in the house either, so it was an absolute pigsty. The two of them sat and watched TV all day and smoked non-stop - it was like a re-run of Mum and George. They had a little blond-haired son called Duncan and he was lovely. I often sat and played with him. He was terribly skinny, which made his head look huge. And although he was two, he was still in nappies, not yet walking and barely talking. I was certain that he was undernourished. I often used to cook for all of us, just to make sure he got some proper food.

  Some days I felt really down. I hated the muck and filth all over the house, but there was no way I could clean it all and keep it nice. It was just too big a job, and as soon as I cleaned anything Sally and Rod would mess it up again. They were complete slobs. The only day they got out of bed before eleven was the one they got their benefit money at the post office. Rod would have his weekly shower and then all three of them would set off on the bus. Once they’d got the money, they’d go to the supermarket and do a big shop, buying all kinds of goodies. Any money they had over would be spent on beer, so by the evening there would be no money left at all. We’d eat really well for three days, but by then everything would have run out, and we had almost nothing for the rest of the week, till payday came around again.

  The two of them weren’t easy company - they didn’t talk to me much, so I kept to my own room most of the time. I hated the way they treated Duncan - they thought it was funny to teach him to swear and stick two fingers in the air. I didn’t like watching, but I had nowhere else to go, day or evening, except round to Tanya’s for a visit. I felt I had been pushed from pillar to post all my life, and here was one more place where I was being dumped.

  At that point I had no picture of my future. I was sure I would never have an interesting job, or live somewhere nice, or achieve anything. I was a waste of space - that’s what I’d always been told, and that’s how it felt.

  Dad came to see me. He wanted to know where I was living, and to make sure it was all right. I hoped he might offer to have me move in with him and Sandra, but he didn’t and I couldn’t help feeling disappointed.

  It was Daniel who made my life bearable. He had taken on extra night shifts at the factory to earn the money for a home for us, so he couldn’t come round in the evenings. But he’d come over to see me every weekend, bringing cigarettes and a fiver, so that I had a little cash. He was a lifeline, when it seemed as though I had no-one else. When he left, at the end of a weekend visit, he would cry, because he hated leaving me in such a disgusting house.

  I had been at Sally and Rod’s for three long, depressing months when Daniel arrived one Saturday with a big grin on his face. ‘I’ve got us a house!’ he said, hugging me. ‘Come on, I’ll show you.’

  I was so excited. I grabbed my coat and followed him out of the door. We caught the bus to an area just outside the estate, where there were rows of small terraced houses. Daniel led me down one of the narrow streets and stopped outside a house with a red front door. ‘This is it,’ he beamed. ‘We can rent it for £55 a week, starting next week.’

  I peered through the window. The living room looked clean and there was a carpet - but nothing else. ‘It’s brilliant,’ I said, ‘but it’s got no furniture.’

  ‘We’ll get some,’ Daniel said. ‘I’ve got a mattress, so we’ve something to sleep on.’

  That was good enough for me.

  Just before we moved in, Daniel took me to meet his parents. I knew his sister, Joanne, who was a year older than me, from school, but I had never met his mum and dad. I knew they’d been worried that I was so young, so I was nervous and hoped they would like me.

  They lived not far from the house we were going to rent. We went over for tea, and I liked his mum, Rose, straight away. She was round and cuddly, with dark hair and a ready smile. She welcomed me, fussing over me and insisting I ate plenty. She was a few years older than my own mum, and I felt instantly at home with her. She clearly loved her family and would look after and protect them all, no matter what.

  Daniel’s dad, Doug, was large and bald, with a big nose. He smoked and ate a lot, sitting in his armchair, while Rose did all the running around. But I could see that they got on well together.

  Daniel told me later that his parents had met when Doug was twenty and Rose was nineteen. He’d been a roofer then, but he had a serious accident when he fell off a roof and injured his back and had never worked since. Rose worked in a clothes shop and had supported the family for over twenty years.

  Doug was nice, but extremely tight with money. If you used the phone, he made you put 20p in a plastic tub and he would never pay for a bus or taxi or anything else he considered a luxury. He didn’t drive and hardly ever left the house. Rose was the sociable one, with lots of friends, though she never drank or smoked.

  I liked Rose and Doug and soon got to know them well. They helped us move in and gave us lots of bits and pieces for the house. When we first arrived, all we had was a single mattress, a quilt and a record player. But we didn’t care. It was our own home, we could be together and do what we wanted and that felt so good that furniture just didn’t matter.

  I didn’t tell social services I was living with Daniel. I was still fifteen and they wouldn’t have allowed it. I told them he was a friend of my sister’s boyfriend and had offered to rent me a room and, to my surprise, they accepted that.

  Over the next few weeks I set about collecting things for our house. People we knew gave us all kinds of bits and pieces - pots and pans, curtains, even a sofa. The only thing we bought new was a washing machine that we ordered from a catalogue.

  I really loved making the house into a home. For the first time in my life I had somewhere of my own I could enjoy. I put pictures up, arranged the kitchen, and cleaned everything so that the whole house shone.

  I didn’t even think about getting a job - I hadn’t made it through school, so I had no qualifications, and I was still too young for most employers. Daniel and I were both happy with the situation, but I did get lonely. He was still working nights, to make extra money, so he was asleep most of the day. That meant we didn’t get a lot of time together, and I would wander about, trying to fill my day with cleaning the house and window-shopping.

  Once a week Rose would come round to see us and stay for tea. She would always check whether we needed anything and made sure we were all right. And on Sundays we would go round to her house for lunch. I liked feeling that I was part of a real family and I became good friends with Joanne.

  A few weeks after we moved in, I realised my period was late. It had happened before, so I wasn’t too worried. I decided to go swimming, because that usually seemed to bring it on. But it didn’t, so I went to the doctor, who did a pregnancy test. I didn’t really think it would be positive - I was still expecting my period to start at any moment - but the doctor rang back to say, ‘Congratulations, the test is positive.’

  I was stunned. I would be a mum at sixteen. As the shock wore off, I began to feel really happy. At last I
would have something - someone - who was really mine. Someone I could look after and protect, so that they never had to suffer as I did.

  When Daniel came home, I told him the news. He looked shocked. ‘I hadn’t thought about us having kids yet,’ he said. The trouble was neither of us had thought about it - or about contraception. It hadn’t even occurred to us.

  Daniel said he would go with whatever decision I made. I told him I was having the baby - there was no way I’d consider getting rid of it. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘We’ll go for it then.’

  When we went round to his parents for lunch that Sunday, we told them they were going to be grandparents. They were kind to us, and said they were happy, but we could see they were worried and unsure. Not surprising, given that Daniel and I had only been living together for a few weeks and I was underage.

  Mum hadn’t been in contact with me since she threw me out. I knew she sometimes heard how I was doing through Tanya, but we hadn’t spoken. That hurt - I had hoped she would come and see me, and when she didn’t I realised she must be happy without me. But I wanted to tell her I was pregnant, so I plucked up the courage to ring.

  ‘Mum, its Louise,’ I said. ‘I’m going to have a baby.’

  ‘Right, OK,’ she replied. She sounded uninterested.

  ‘Are you pleased?’ I asked her.

  ‘I’m not bothered,’ she said. That really hurt. I decided not to contact her again.

  I went round to see Dad and Sandra to tell them. Dad looked worried. ‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing, love?’ he said. ‘You’re so young.’

  ‘It’ll be fine, Dad,’ I said. ‘I want this baby.’

  A scan, a few weeks later, told us it was a girl. We were so excited. Knowing the sex somehow made it real. Daniel grinned at me. ‘What shall we call her?’ We went through all the names we knew. In the end we settled on Emily. We both thought it sounded beautiful.