The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  Back in the kitchen she downed her glass of wine and immediately poured another. The spag bol looked gluggy and unappetising, but she was starving so she didn’t even bother to reheat it. She pulled the cling wrap back and shovelled forkfuls into her mouth, swallowing down the lumps of mince and pasta, barely even bothering to chew. When the bowl was empty she wasn’t even close to satisfied. More than anything she wanted to grab the tub of choc-mint ice cream from the freezer and serve herself a huge bowl, but she didn’t want to risk being caught in the act by Sean. Not that he would say anything, of course. But she didn’t want anyone, not even her husband, to see her for what she really was.

  A glutton.

  Instead she made her way to her study, hoping for some refuge in her perfectly ordered sanctuary. Hot tears born of a mixture of self-hatred and self-pity welled in her eyes as she sank down into her office chair and waited for her desktop to start up. What sort of a mother was she? She’d barely been home half an hour and the only contact she’d had with her kids was to yell at them. This wasn’t the life she dreamed of back at Melbourne uni all those years ago.

  Back then she hadn’t wanted to contribute to the ‘population explosion’. She’d planned on finishing her degree, completing her internship somewhere cool – London perhaps – and then heading off to work in a developing nation.

  Then she met Sean and little by little her dreams changed.

  Mezz bit her lip and opened the browser window in an attempt to distract herself from her spiralling sense of melancholy. She opened a number of tabs. All her usual favourites – Facebook, Twitter, ABC News – and also the WON forum. She flicked between the sites mindlessly, determined that she would not give in to the ice cream’s siren song.

  She stretched her aching legs out under the desk and found her toes nudging something hard. Something that didn’t belong there. Bloody hell, it was the box of fundraising chocolates for the primary school. She’d promised the boys she’d take the box to work and sell them, but had forgotten. The proceeds were due back at school on Monday and the box had never left her study. Now she’d have to shell out for the whole freaking box. Oh, to hell with it. Seeing as she was paying for them she may as well feed her craving for something sweet. The WON Program didn’t officially start until Monday and in any case surely one tiny chocolate couldn’t hurt?

  She fished the box out from under her feet and pulled it open. A selection of brightly wrapped chocolate bars vied for her attention. She would allow herself one only so she took a moment to select carefully. The Cherry Ripes were immediately dismissed. She wasn’t a fan of anything with coconut in it. It was hard to separate the other three though. All had much to recommend them. In the end she chose the Toblerone. It appeared to be the biggest.

  Over the years she told herself that she hadn’t sacrificed anything for her marriage. It was a matter of being practical. Sean supported her emotionally and financially in those early years of her training; it wasn’t fair to ask him to give up his job to fly off to a hot and dusty country where the financial rewards were non-existent. And despite all her declarations about their relationship being ‘non-binding’ she found she didn’t want to go anywhere without him. She told herself there was plenty she could do at home to make a real difference in people’s lives.

  Then she got pregnant, and Sean, who she’d thought had the same ideas about marriage as her – it was an antiquated institution in her twenty-two-year-old eyes – had shed tears of joy and asked her to marry him. At first she’d refused, saying it was unnecessary and stupid, but he’d chipped away at her with little romantic gestures, and to be honest, the fact that her parents would be delighted by the idea of their daughter walking down the aisle ‘like a normal girl’ did sway her a little.

  That baby hadn’t turned out to be Max. Instead it was a defective bundle of cells that unceremoniously ejected itself from her womb two days after they’d announced their engagement. Professionally she knew that miscarriage was common and that this turn of events had little to no bearing on her future fertility. Ideologically she was pro-choice and when she talked about her loss to Sean or to her doctor, she was clinical. It wasn’t a baby, it was an embryo.

  But in her soul she knew she’d lost a baby. A little girl, whom she secretly named Ruby.

  They were sensible about it, she and Sean. Decided they would wait until they were both established in their careers before trying again. Somehow she managed to keep her heartbreak well hidden. But now, over twenty years later, she allowed herself the luxury of giving in to her grief. The tears that had threatened earlier began to fall and she reached for something to ease her pain.

  As her hand dived back into the fundraising box, she felt a faint prick of guilt. This behaviour had to stop. Later, after she’d gutsed herself, she’d feel full of remorse. She knew that. But somehow she couldn’t bring herself to remove her hand. She’d had a shit day. Didn’t she deserve a little reward? The chocolates were tiny. No sane person could stop at one. She pulled out a Boost and a Time Out. Really, put together these weren’t the size of a normal chocolate bar, so it was no big deal.

  The second miscarriage – a planned pregnancy at twenty-eight – was harder to bear. She became obsessed with understanding what could possibly have happened. She consulted three separate gynaecologists and subjected herself to a number of invasive medical tests. But there was nothing to find. Just bad luck, the specialists said. Try again.

  She’d have to endure one more early loss before she finally got to see a pregnancy to its end. Sean had wanted to give up. Perhaps they weren’t meant to have children, he reasoned. But Mezz couldn’t accept that. She’d treated dozens of women with unplanned or unwanted pregnancies at the bulk-billing clinic where she worked. Surely she deserved a baby more than these hapless mothers? Where was the justice?

  When he arrived, Max was the most precious, most anticipated baby on earth. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was to be taking this perfect little bundle home. So when colic kept him from sleeping for more than forty minutes at a time, she told herself she was lucky to have him. When her nipples cracked and she ended up in hospital with mastitis, she told herself she was lucky to be a mother and people suffered far worse. When the kindergarten teacher called and asked to see her about Max’s ‘anti-social’ behaviour, she told herself he was misunderstood and she was lucky to have such a spirited and creative child. And when finally, at age five, Max was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum she had vowed and declared that no label would define her child.

  These days she’d stopped pretending. Mother Nature had been right all along. She wasn’t cut out for this parenting gig.

  She loved her kids, there was no doubt about that. In fact, she loved them so much that she spent countless hours staring at the ceiling, when any sane person would be sleeping, worrying about all the ills that might befall her three precious sons. Being a GP exacerbated her natural tendency to hypochondria and that anxiety now extended beyond herself to her kids. Strangely, she rarely worried about anything sinister happening to Sean. It just didn’t seem possible.

  Her anxiety wasn’t limited to their health. She worried about the type of kids she was raising. Max had his issues of course, but Liam and Archie had their own problems. On more than one occasion they’d been summoned to the school to discuss Liam’s aggressive behaviour in the yard. Mezz was worried he lacked empathy towards others but Sean told her she was overthinking the problem. Liam was naturally competitive and just needed some lessons on being a good loser. This was a normal part of growing up in Sean’s opinion. As for poor little Archie, he seemed perpetually anxious. ‘Takes after his mother, that one,’ was her father-in-law’s assessment.

  Mezz read every piece of literature about parenting she could get her hands on. She knew the importance of boundaries, of setting limits, giving praise and hugs, and of being a good role model. All the experts agreed that the most important t
hing was time, and lots of it. Or, failing that, ‘quality time’. But there was so little time available. And she could hardly claim the time she spent shouting at them was quality time. She wondered how other mothers managed to make it look so easy.

  The constant anxiety, guilt and lack of sleep contributed to her chaotic parenting style. So she loved them, but failed them on a daily basis. Sometimes she wondered if they’d all be better off if she just left. She could volunteer to work for Médecins Sans Frontières like she’d planned as a med student.

  But not tonight. Because to start with she didn’t plan on flying anywhere. Not until she was thin. That way there would be no chance of risking the humiliation of having to ask for a seatbelt extension.

  She grabbed another chocolate from the box and scrolled down the first page of the WON forum.

  In the few hours since she’d written her post on the introductions page, there’d been quite a few updates, but one stood out.

  User: Ellie Phant / Location: Canberra / Rank: Newbie

  Friday August 28 2015

  Hi all. Thanks for the welcome, Jewels. Lovely to hear a little bit about you.

  To answer your questions, no, I’m not married, but I’m in a committed relationship. J and I have been together for almost three years now. No kids yet, although we are thinking about starting a family together one day (well, at least I am!). That’s one of the reasons I’ve made up my mind to lose weight.

  I’m originally from London. I moved here just over two years ago to be with J. We did the long distance thing – J coming to London or me visiting here – for the better part of a year before I bit the bullet and decided to move to Canberra permanently. I love Australia, although I’ve not managed to get used to the weather here yet. I find the summer terribly hot. I miss having a proper English winter. (I know, I’m odd! You are such a nation of sun worshippers.)

  I’m an assistant curator at the National Gallery, here in Canberra. I used to work at the Tate Gallery in London, which I loved. The job I have now is a bit of a step down from my previous one and at times I find it a bit tedious, but it’s worth it so J and I can be together.

  On a completely different matter, I have bought myself a new set of scales and I’m about to finally take the plunge and weigh myself. Wish me luck!

  Cheers,

  Ellie

  Mezz’s mood lightened just a touch. An art curator. At the National Gallery no less. This Ellie person sounded all right. Not a loser in any shape or form. Maybe the forum would be okay after all. Perhaps the WON system would be The Answer. She did a quick mental calculation and realised that if she was good and lost one kilogram each week, by Christmas she’d be sixteen kilos lighter, twenty maybe, if she tried extra hard.

  Yes. This time it would work. She would lose the weight in time for her birthday. And maybe she’d say yes to that holiday in Thailand Sean was always nagging her about. Tomorrow she would start on the readiness tasks she was supposed to do before Monday when the program kicked off. But tonight she may as well finish off the rest of these chocolates. After all, the first task was to rid the house of any tempting foods.

  Chapter Two

  W.O.N! (Weight Off Now!) Member Forum

  30+ to Lose

  Spring Round – Introductions. Tell us about yourself here!

  User: Princess Jewels / Location: Melbourne / Rank: Old Hand

  Sunday August 30 2015

  Hi everyone,

  Just thought I’d pop in and see how you are all going with your preparation tasks before we begin tomorrow. I also wanted to let you know that once we get started tomorrow we should all move over to the Update Page. Newbies, it’s easy to find. Just look for the 30+ thread on the Update Page. That’s the place to post from now on, well, at least until you have less than 30 kilos to lose. Then you’re entitled to post in the 20+ to lose thread. Look, if it sounds complicated, don’t worry. You’ll get the hang of it soon enough.

  So, to the preparation tasks. Here’s my report:

  1. Weigh and measure yourself and take a before photo. All done. I’ve recorded the results in my private profile.

  2. Write a list of all the reasons you want to lose weight. I’ve done this one too. Also on my private profile, but it’s basically what I told you in my intro. I want to lose weight to help my chances of falling pregnant.

  3. Stock your fridge with healthy items from the suggested shopping list. I’ve done this and I’ve cleared out tempting foods as suggested. Well, I’ve done that at home. It’s a bit hard to do it at work when you work in a cupcake shop. I’ll be okay though. I’ve made the girls at work PROMISE they won’t let me eat anything I shouldn’t.

  4. Fitness test. Bleurgh! I haven’t done this one yet. Will do this afternoon.

  How’s everyone else going with the tasks? Feel free to ask me if you’ve got any questions about them.

  Love and hugs,

  Jewels xox

  User: Joy Belle / Location: Perth / Rank: Old Hand

  Sunday August 30 2015

  Hello everyone. It seems I’m late to the party here. I’ll just go ahead and introduce myself and update you on my tasks all at the same time.

  I’m Joy Belle, or Belinda or Belle, whichever you prefer. I live in sunny Perth and this is my second round of the WON program. I lost twelve kilos last round, which I have to say I’m thrilled with. Girls, if I can do it anyone can! People are starting to notice my loss, which makes me feel great. This morning at church my friend, Paula, told me I was starting to get too thin! That of course isn’t true. I still have 31.1 kilos to get to goal.

  I’ve read all your introductions and we seem to have a lovely group this round. Of course I am hoping not to be here for too long. I’m hoping to be posting in the 20+ group very soon! (No offence ladies. You honestly all seem lovely.)

  I’ve completed all my tasks ready for tomorrow’s start. I guess I’ll see you all in the Update thread tomorrow.

  Good luck everyone and God bless.

  Belle xx

  User: Ellie Phant / Location: Canberra / Rank: Newbie

  Sunday August 30 2015

  Hi everyone,

  Lovely to read a little about you all.

  I’ve completed all of my preparation tasks and I’ve set up a little spreadsheet to track my losses. (I hope there will be losses!) I’ve uploaded the spreadsheet to the files here in case anyone else would like to use it.

  I’m very much looking forward to getting started tomorrow!

  Cheers,

  Ellie

  User: Mezz / Location: South West Victoria / Rank: Newbie

  Sunday August 30 2015

  Goodness, I feel like I’m the remedial student in the group. I haven’t done my tasks yet. I’ve weighed but not measured, so I’ll do that this afternoon.

  My husband usually does the grocery shopping and the cooking. I haven’t told him about the WON program yet, so that’s going to be a bit tricky. We do have lots of healthy things already in the house, though, so it won’t be a problem for me to make an approved breakfast. I usually buy lunch so I guess I’ll just have to make sure I make a smart choice. I know it seems odd not to have told my husband, but I’ve tried so many different weight loss programs over the past few years that I’m afraid he won’t take me seriously. I’d rather surprise him once I’ve lost a little bit, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I’ll write a list of extras for him to collect when he does groceries tomorrow and I’ll tell him I’m trying to eat a little better.

  I have to confess to a ‘last supper’ of sorts on Friday night. I discovered a box of fundraising chocolates in my study. I’d had a really bad day at work and I just found myself digging into them. I only meant to have one, but I found myself just mindlessly eating. Before I knew it the whole box was gone – including the Cherry Ripes and I don’t even like those! I felt so ashamed afterw
ards. I had to hide the wrappers in my waste paper basket under a whole heap of shredded documents so my husband wouldn’t find them. Anyway, tomorrow is a new day and I plan to start afresh. No more chocolate for me.

  Mezz

  User: Kitty Kat / Location: Emerald River, NSW / Rank: Newbie

  Sunday August 30 2015

  Hi everyone,

  I’m so excited about tomorrow! I did all my tasks yesterday so I’m ready to go. Thanks for the spreadsheet, Ellie. I’ve downloaded it and stuck it on the fridge already. Josh is very happy I am doing this program. He even came with me to do the shopping. He says he’s going to make sure I stick at this, so with his help and your support, how can I fail?

  Mezz, sweetie, don’t worry about your little chocolate binge. I know exactly what that’s like. Goodness, once I get started on something, like a bag of chips or a packet of Tim Tams, I just CAN’T stop until they’re all gone. I’m just not one of those people who can stop at one! Anyway, Mezz, put that behind you now. Tomorrow is a new day!

  Best wishes,

  Kat x

  User: Shrinking Shelley / Location: Sydney / Rank: Expert

  Monday August 31 2015

  Hi there Newbies and hello to Belle and Jewels too!

  I’m Shelley and I’m here to say welcome to WON – the most wonderful weight loss program on earth!!!!!

  Happy Day One of WON!

  I don’t actually belong in this group but I like to pop into all the groups and say hi to the newbies. You might note that my rank is Expert. I don’t like to brag but I thought I’d better explain. Expert rank means I’ve done more than two rounds and I’m now at my goal weight! I didn’t have quite as much to lose as you gals, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand what you are going through. I mean, we are all on our own journeys and it doesn’t matter if we need to lose five kilos or fifty, the principles are still the same. Am I right? You know I am! Just follow the program EXACTLY and I promise you will be thin in no time.