The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  As you know I’m a married mother of three boys, Max, Liam and Archie. My husband, Sean, mainly works from home (he’s an I.T. consultant) so he can be there for the boys because my job is pretty time consuming. A couple of you have asked me what I do for a living and up until now I’ve avoided telling you. I’m sorry about that, but I was too afraid to divulge any personal information about myself in the WON forum because every member of the program can access those posts. I live in a small community and I was afraid that someone from my town might be doing the program too, and might recognise me. I’m a GP at the town’s medical centre. I’m one of only two doctors in town so it wouldn’t be hard for people to put two and two together, if you know what I mean? To be honest it’s embarrassing enough being a fat doctor – I mean, how can people take me seriously when I hand out nutritional advice or tell them to lose weight to lower their blood pressure? So I really don’t want to humiliate myself further by having my weight loss attempts aired in public. I hope you understand.

  Our little town is a funny place. It’s in the country, about four hours’ drive away from Melbourne, so kind of in the middle of nowhere! Lately the local council has been on a mission to attract more visitors and have marketed the area as a gourmet destination. We have a few B&Bs out of town offering the whole ‘paddock to plate’ experience, so in recent times the place has become a bit of a foodie mecca. We’re starting to be a bit of a tourist destination! Our population is around 2000 people usually. There’s a hospital about forty-five minutes away from here for big emergencies, but they really can’t cope with anything that requires intensive care. If anything dramatic happens we have to fly people out to Geelong or Melbourne.

  Anyway, in our town it’s just me and the other doctor, Barry. He’s lived in the area his whole life and started this practice about thirty years ago. Even after being here for almost five years, lots of the locals still see me as an outsider and prefer to go to him. He’s winding down to retirement now, though, and only works four days a week, which means I can get pretty busy.

  Sean grew up here on a cattle farm just a little way from where we live now. His parents still live on the farm, although it’s a much smaller concern than it used to be. Sean’s brother and his wife live on the property too and help run the farm so Sean is the black sheep of the family. (I think his mother blames me for the fact that he’s decided farming life is not for him.) The McGuires (that’s his surname) are ‘Locals with a capital L’. I’m the interloper from the city who stole his heart. His parents (and the rest of the town) have never forgiven me.

  Wow. That sounds a bit melodramatic when I put it on the page like that, but it’s how I feel. There’s lots to love about living in this town, but it really doesn’t feel like home to me. I don’t fit in here. I grew up in Kew, an eastern suburb of Melbourne, and I very much saw myself as an urbanite. When I was at university I used to fantasise about going off to some poverty-stricken nation to work, but somehow the idea of living outside a major city inside Australia never occurred to me! It’s very quiet here and despite the open space, it’s somewhat claustrophobic. Everyone knows everyone’s business, which is hard to get used to if you didn’t grow up here.

  There are loads of other things I could tell you about why l feel like I don’t belong in Tildan, which I’ll leave for another day. It’s late, and I can barely keep my eyes open, but I do have something weight loss-related that I want to talk to you all about.

  Recently a patient came into the surgery to ask me for a referral to a weight loss surgeon. I have to admit her request unsettled me a little. This patient weighs less than me, and her BMI is much lower than mine. She is desperate for a referral as she feels no other method of weight loss will work for her. She’s hoping to have gastric sleeve surgery. Do any of you know much about this? In case you haven’t heard of it, it’s basically a method of permanently reducing the size of a patient’s stomach. This is an irreversible procedure.

  Personally, I have never before considered surgery as a solution to my weight issues and I’m not sure why. I certainly wouldn’t judge anyone else for doing so. Actually that’s bullshit (excuse my swearing, but I’m trying to be honest here!). The professional part of me knows I shouldn’t judge anyone for seeking help with their obesity, but maybe when I take my doctor’s hat off I actually am being judgemental. Because I’m ashamed to say I was shocked at this woman’s request.

  Maybe it’s because she’s smaller than me and now I’m confronted with the fact that I meet the criteria for weight loss surgery. If I went to a surgeon, there would be no problem with me being approved. Even typing this I have tears in my eyes. How the hell did I get this fat?

  Sorry to dump that on you all. I’m going to do a bit more research on this procedure for my patient, so it will be interesting to see what I find out. Forgive me for asking this, and please feel free not to answer, but I was wondering, have any of you ever considered surgery? Do you have any thoughts on it?

  It’s ridiculously late now, and I have to go to bed. Really looking forward to reading your thoughts. Thank goodness we have all found each other.

  Mezz x

  FAT CHAT | Thursday Sept. 10 2015 | Jewels

  Good to see you here Mezz and to learn a little about you.

  I’m typing this before I head off to work so I need to be quick! To answer your question, I’ve never considered surgery and never would. I don’t like pain! Sorry not to be more help.

  Catch you all later.

  Jewels xox

  FAT CHAT | Thursday Sept. 10 2015 | Ellie

  Hi Lovely Ladies,

  Just logging in quickly before I start work for the day. Mezz, sorry I’m no help either. I’d never even heard of gastric sleeve surgery until you mentioned it. Shall have to Google!

  Cheers,

  E x

  FAT CHAT | Thursday Sept. 10 2015 | Kat

  Good morning everyone.

  I’ve really enjoyed finding out a little more about you all. I hope I didn’t scare anyone off with my long tale of woe! I just read over what I’d written and it seems very gloomy. Please don’t worry, I’m in a good place right now. Josh and I are going through a tiny rough patch, but I know that’s normal for couples with young children. And everything else in my life is just great. Well, apart from the fact that I’m starving on this diet. Am I the only one finding it this hard?

  That brings me to your question about surgery, Mezz. I’ve never considered it, but perhaps that’s because I haven’t really been overweight for a long time. Surgery does seem to be a drastic solution, but maybe it would be better than being hungry all the time! (Just kidding. I can’t see myself ever being that desperate!)

  Jewels, Williamstown sounds like a lovely place to live. We live in Emerald River, which is on the NSW north coast. It’s a small town set on the beach. There’s a caravan park, right on the beach, which has a little kiosk that sells fast food. (That’s actually where Josh and I met!) Across from the beach is the main street, which has a small supermarket, a pub, a fish and chip shop, a pizza shop and a few other little shops that cater to the tourists. We also have a little primary school, a pre-school, and long day care centre (where I work) and a medical centre, so it’s a good place to raise a family. It’s quiet here, but I don’t mind that. It’s really a very beautiful part of the world.

  Have a great day everyone!

  Kat x

  ★

  On Thursday morning Kat found herself with a couple of unexpected hours to herself. Mrs Parsons’ daughter and grandchildren were visiting all the way from Singapore. Mrs P had asked if Ami would like to go to the park with them. It seemed Mrs P’s eight-year-old granddaughter was obsessed with babies and toddlers. She’d spent an hour cleaning and now planned to sit in her sunny kitchen with her cup of tea and catch up with her online friends.

  It was funny how much she looked forward to seeing what the others
had written. In some ways it was a bit intimidating communicating with these three women. They were all so accomplished. Mezz was a doctor, for heaven’s sake, and the other two were both professional women. She was just a childcare worker and a mum. But none of them seemed to mind. Ellie knew what her job was when she asked her to be part of the group so obviously she must have thought they had something in common.

  That was the strange thing. On paper they all seemed completely different, but it was amazing how much she could relate to the experiences the others had spoken about. Both Mezz and Ellie felt like they were on the outside of their communities, and that was something she struggled with too. Jewels had issues with her family and she knew exactly what that was like. And there was the fat thing – the whole reason they’d bonded in the first place. Funny, she’d become so engrossed in the other women’s lives that she’d almost forgotten about the weight loss aspect.

  She was still doing the program, well sort of. She hadn’t eaten any junk food since the pizza incident and she was following the meal plans, but she’d had to make the portions bigger. The WON program simply didn’t provide enough food for her. If she stuck to the serving sizes recommended by the program she wound up starving and grumpy. And she couldn’t afford to be grumpy at the moment. One bad-tempered adult in the house was enough.

  Her attempts at weight loss hadn’t made any dent in Josh’s recent bad mood. Sure, she hadn’t turned into a supermodel overnight, but she had been making an effort. She’d dropped a couple of kilos and she thought her skin looked brighter now she wasn’t eating crap all the time. And she already had more energy. She’d been walking Ami to the park at the beach every morning, and would have taken her this morning if Mrs P hadn’t spirited her away. She’d also found some easy yoga poses on YouTube and had been making sure she found time to practise a few of these each day.

  As well as all this she’d been taking a little extra care with her hair and nails, making sure she took the time to paint her nails and to blow-dry her hair properly each morning instead of just pulling it up into a messy bun or ponytail.

  But he hadn’t noticed. Or if he had he hadn’t said anything. If they weren’t having sex she’d think he was having an affair, but he still grabbed for her every few nights. The sex wasn’t passionate the way it had been when they’d first met, or slow and tender the way it used to be before Ami was born. These days he pushed his hand between her legs when she was almost asleep, and once she was wet he slid inside of her, fucking her hard and fast until they climaxed together.

  Or more often than not until he came and she faked it.

  The couple of times she told him she wasn’t done he’d seemed annoyed and had begrudgingly touched her until her body had shuddered with a type of release that she guessed you would call an orgasm. Or you would if you’d never had a good one. It was hardly worth it. So now if she couldn’t get there at the same time he did, she pretended. It was easier that way.

  She wondered if that was what married sex was like. When she and Josh were first dating and couldn’t keep their hands off each other, she’d overheard a conversation between some of the childcare kids’ mothers. They were all complaining about how their husbands wouldn’t stop pestering them for sex and what a chore it all was. She’d felt sorry for them and just a tiny bit smug. That could never happen to her. She and Josh had crazy, wild, mind-blowing sex and they couldn’t get enough of each other. Her insides turned to liquid just thinking about him. If she thought about him touching her she was instantly wet. When she accidentally found herself thinking about him during the day she had to bite the inside of her lip as a distraction because it was hardly appropriate to be turned on at work.

  But now she understood the conversations those women had. Now she was one of those women.

  The sound of the front security door being opened made her look up. Mrs P must have brought Ami back early. She hoped nothing was wrong. She jumped up to go greet them, but was surprised to see Josh standing in the entry. He seemed equally startled to see her.

  ‘What’s wrong? Why are you home so early?’ she asked.

  ‘Nothing’s wrong. Why do you always think the worst?’

  She winced at his tone. ‘I don’t. It’s just you’re home hours earlier than you should be. I’m just wondering why.’ She turned and walked back to the kitchen.

  Josh followed her and stood in the kitchen doorway. ‘And you’re home when you said you were taking Ami to the park this morning, so I guess I’m wondering why you’re not doing that. I thought you said you’d been exercising every day.’

  ‘I have been. Mrs P’s daughter is in town and they asked if they could take her to the park with them. She loves being with other kids so I said okay.’

  ‘You should have gone too. It’s the only exercise you get. And I don’t like the idea of Ami going off with strangers.’

  ‘For fuck’s sake, Josh. Mrs P is not a stranger. She’s our neighbour and my friend. You were perfectly happy for me to leave Ami with her when you wanted me to come to the pub with you, but now suddenly she’s not good enough.’

  ‘Don’t speak to me like that. Ami is my daughter and I don’t want you leaving her with people I don’t know. Who knows what the daughter’s like? Maybe she’s one of those women who’s too busy looking at her phone to watch her kids properly. What if Ami runs onto the road? Did you think of that? You astound me, Kat. How could you be so fucking irresponsible?’

  Angry tears stung Kat’s eyes but she blinked them back. ‘Simone isn’t a stranger. I’ve met her plenty of times. I’m not an idiot. Ami’s my daughter too. As if I’d let her go off with someone who I didn’t think would look after her properly.’

  He made no reply, instead silently brushing past her on his way to the fridge, which he opened, stared into for a moment and then slammed shut. ‘Is it too much to ask for you to do some fucking shopping? Since you’ve been on this bloody health kick there’s never anything to eat except fucking lettuce.’ He stared pointedly at the open laptop on the kitchen table. ‘I honestly don’t know what you do with yourself all day.’

  She could hold the tears back no more. ‘Josh, what is going on with you? I don’t know what you want from me. I’m doing my best to make you happy. To be a good partner, a good mother. But it doesn’t matter what I do, it’s not enough.’ She gulped back a sob. ‘I work almost as many hours as you do. I look after Ami. I cook all our meals. I clean. What more do you want?’

  His shoulders sagged. ‘Hey, come here.’ He reached out and pulled her to him. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.’

  She flattened her palms against his chest and pushed herself away. ‘No. Saying sorry won’t cut it this time. You’ve been like this for weeks and I can’t take it anymore. I need to know what you’re thinking, why you’re being so distant and critical.’

  He backed away and placed his hands on one of the kitchen chairs. His hands gripped the top of the vinyl chair so hard his knuckles turned white. He bowed his head, apparently unable to meet her gaze. ‘I came home because there was no work.’

  ‘What do you mean no work?’

  ‘We can’t do anything else at the job we’re on until the plasterers are done. There’s not much more to be done on that place to be honest, two or three days’ worth of work at best. And when it’s done Steve hasn’t got enough work to keep me on.’

  Kat’s pulse quickened. ‘So that’s it then? You won’t have a job?’

  He looked up at her. ‘Not in the immediate future, no.’

  All moisture left her mouth. She walked slowly to the sink, filled a glass with water and took a large sip. This couldn’t be happening. How on earth would they survive on her part-time wage? Maybe she could increase her hours, but that seemed pretty unlikely seeing as they were fully staffed and none of her co-workers were looking to cut their hours. ‘How long have you known this was a possibility?’


  He shrugged. ‘I dunno. A month, six weeks maybe.’

  She refilled her glass and went to sit beside him. ‘Why didn’t you say something?’

  ‘Didn’t want to worry you until I had to. Steve kept hoping things would pick up, but it hasn’t happened.’

  ‘Josh, what are we going to do?’

  ‘I was going to wait until I knew for sure to mention this, but I think I might have another job. If it comes off it’ll pay a lot more than what I earn now, so in a way losing this job might be the best thing that ever happened.’

  She stared at him, speechless for a minute. If this job offer was so great why was he thumping around like a bear with a sore head? And why had he waited until he was cornered before mentioning it? ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Yeah.’ There was a defiant look on his face.

  ‘Well come on then, don’t keep me in suspense. What is it?’

  He got up, walked to the fridge and pulled out a beer.

  She continued to stare at him but didn’t say a word about it not being lunchtime yet or alcohol not solving the problem. ‘Josh? What’s the job? Come on, you’re scaring me. You’re not considering becoming a male stripper are you?’ She smiled at him, hoping to lighten the mood, but his expression remained impassive as he twisted the top off the stubby and took a swig.

  ‘Remember my mate Craig?’

  ‘The one who went off to WA to work in the mines?’

  ‘Yep, that’s the one. I’ve been talking to him about the possibility of me getting work over there.’

  ‘You want us to move to Western Australia?’

  He shook his head slowly. ‘No. There’s a six-week contract going for an experienced carpenter in the Pilbara. Craig’s going to that job as a supervisor and can get me a gig if I want it.’

  ‘Wow, six weeks is a long time for you to be away, but I guess if the money’s good, it’s at least something.’

  He nodded. ‘The money’s almost double what I make now. And Craig reckons once I get this job, the contracts will just keep coming. He reckons if the client likes me I’m a good chance to get regular FIFO work in the region.’