The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

Once Ami was settled in front of the TV the three of them sat down to enjoy their breakfast. Once again Jewels had outdone herself. An assortment of different flavoured frittatas as well as fresh fruit and warm croissants adorned the table.

  ‘Wow, imagine if Shelley Smartarse could see us now,’ Ellie said.

  All three of them began to giggle. ‘It’d be my fault of course,’ Jewels said. She adopted a falsetto voice and continued, ‘I’m ashamed of you, Jewels. No wonder you never lose any weight. And fancy leading all the other ladies astray like this.’

  Mezz nearly snorted her coffee. ‘Bloody hell, next time warn me you’re about to do an impression so I know not to have liquid in my mouth.’

  Jewels grinned.

  ‘The sad thing is she might be right,’ said Ellie.

  ‘About me leading you astray?’ Jewels winked at Mezz.

  ‘No, of course not,’ Ellie said. ‘About losing weight. I mean, none of us have been very successful, have we? Except for Kat, of course, she’s lost a bit. But is it any wonder with the stress she’s been under? I’ve tried, really I have, and I’ve been pretty good most of the time. I’ve been exercising loads more and I feel fitter, but I’ve lost very little weight. Obviously I’m not trying hard enough.’

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ Mezz said. ‘I’ve been doing a little research lately and do you know what the statistics are for long-term weight loss?’

  Ellie and Jewels both shook their heads.

  ‘I hate to be the one to break this to you both, but they’re abysmal. There is some debate about this in the medical community, but there are studies that show only a small percentage of dieters lose weight and keep it off for more than two years. Worse than that, most people end up putting on more weight than they lost in the first place.’

  ‘What are you saying, Mezz? That we’re all wasting our time?’ Ellie asked.

  ‘Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not saying we should stop trying to eat healthily or stop exercising, I’m just saying that for most of us long-term weight loss might not be achievable with the methods we’re using.’

  ‘So we should just resign ourselves to being fat for the rest of our lives?’ Jewels said.

  ‘That’s one option.’ Mezz sensed a growing tension in the room. Perhaps she’d been unwise to broach this particular topic without alcohol.

  ‘What’s the other option?’ Ellie asked.

  ‘Weight loss surgery.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ Jewels said.

  Mezz could feel her pulse thudding in her ears. Maybe it was too soon to be discussing this. Yesterday she’d felt so connected to these women and after what they’d been through with Kat last night she figured their relationship was long past the small talk stage. But maybe she was taking it a step too far. Still, she’d opened her mouth and started this conversation and now the others were looking at her expectantly. ‘I am actually.’

  ‘What do you mean by weight loss surgery?’ Jewels asked. ‘Do you mean the lap band thingy or liposuction?’

  ‘Not liposuction, that’s more a cosmetic thing. Gastric band is one type of surgery, but there are others.’

  ‘Like what?’ Jewels asked as she took a large bite of croissant.

  ‘Remember I told you about my patient, the one who wanted a referral to a surgeon?’

  Ellie nodded. ‘Sure, I remember. Weren’t you a bit freaked out by the idea of her having surgery?’

  Mezz nodded. ‘I was at first, but she challenged me to find out more and so I did some research. I have to say I’ve completely changed my mind about the value of surgery and my research has made me feel pessimistic about achieving long-term weight loss any other way.

  ‘Thanks to my patient I’ve found out quite a lot of information on a reasonably new type of surgery called a sleeve gastrectomy. I mentioned it on the blog a while back. You know, the gastric sleeve?’

  Jewels screwed up her face. ‘From what I remember it didn’t sound very appealing. Anything that ends in “ectomy” doesn’t sound like it would be fun.’

  Mezz grinned. ‘You’re right about that. I wouldn’t call having surgery fun. But it is effective according to all the studies I’ve read.’

  ‘It’s an operation to make your stomach smaller, isn’t it?’ Ellie poured herself another cup of tea. ‘But what I don’t really understand is why would anyone choose to have part of their stomach cut away? If the situation is that desperate why not get a lap band? It does the same thing, doesn’t it?’

  Mezz nodded. ‘Kind of, but the sleeve is different because it’s permanent. It can’t be reversed. A large part of the stomach is cut away and then it’s restitched to make a permanently smaller stomach pouch.’

  ‘Ew,’ said Jewels. ‘Why would anyone in their right mind do that to themselves?’

  Mezz could feel heat rushing up her neck to her cheeks. ‘Because it’s a very effective method of permanent weight loss.’

  ‘But it sounds terrifying,’ persisted Jewels. ‘Why would someone choose that over the lap band? I mean at least you can get the band taken out, right?’

  ‘There are loads of reasons. I’ve got some pamphlets downstairs if you are really interested in the ins and outs of it all, but the main reason I think it might be a good idea – for my patient, I mean – is because overall it’s been found to be more effective in helping patients lose large amounts of weight.’

  Jewels shook her head. ‘Sorry, I just think having part of your stomach cut away is way too drastic. I have to admit that after you talked about this last time I considered the lap band for a nanosecond, but in the end I decided it was too scary. And I would hate not to be able to eat properly. One of Sofia’s Mothers’ Group friends knew someone who had the lap band and she said this woman spent half her life throwing up. No thanks.’

  ‘Yes, that can be a side effect of the lap band, especially if people try to eat too much, too quickly, or if they make poor choices.’

  Jewels’ face wore an expression of distaste. ‘Well, wouldn’t it be the same if you have this sleeve thing?’

  ‘Well, that’s just the thing,’ Mezz said. ‘With the lap band there are lots of food restrictions, because of the size of the opening, but with the sleeve, once your stomach is healed you can pretty much eat what you want, just in very small quantities.’

  ‘Cutting part of your stomach away sounds like major surgery. There must be risks involved,’ Ellie said.

  ‘Yes, there are risks, that’s absolutely true. But there are risks in being majorly overweight too.’

  Jewels grinned. ‘Mezz, are you trying to put me off my frittata? Because, honestly, you’ll have to do better than that. Nothing puts me off my food.’

  Mezz laughed but Ellie’s face remained serious. ‘Mezz, it sounds to me like this is something you’ve been considering for yourself.’

  The heat in her cheeks intensified. ‘Actually, it is.’

  Jewels’ eyes widened. ‘Whoa. You’re kidding, right?’

  ‘Kidding about what?’

  They all swung around at the sound of Kat’s voice. She was standing on the other side of the child-proof gate at the top of the stairs, fully dressed, hair done and no visible sign that her life had just been blown apart.

  ‘Kat, honey, come and join us. I’ll reheat a frittata for you.’

  ‘Um, I would, but I can’t get this gate open.’

  Relieved to have the focus taken off her for a moment, Mezz laughed and jumped up to help Kat.

  ‘Can I get you a tea or a coffee?’ Jewels asked.

  ‘Coffee would be great. Black with two sugars.’ Kat bypassed the table and went over to Ami. ‘How are you this morning, munchkin?’ she asked, blowing a raspberry on Ami’s tummy. Ami giggled, and Kat sat her back down on the floor. ‘Thanks so much for looking after her this morning,’ she said as she took a seat next to Mezz.

/>   ‘Jewels did all the work,’ said Ellie.

  Jewels waved her hand to dismiss further thanks. ‘It was my pleasure. Really. You know how much I love kids.’

  ‘How are you feeling today, Kat?’ Ellie asked.

  ‘Much better, thank you.’

  Mezz snuck a sideways glance at her. Kat’s life had just imploded. She couldn’t possibly have recovered so quickly. If she were in Kat’s shoes she’d take to her bed for a month, she was sure. ‘There’s no need to put on a brave face for us,’ she said. ‘You’ve had a terrible shock and it’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to talk about it, but please don’t suppress your feelings on our account.’

  Kat took a sip of the coffee Jewels had placed in front of her and then she smiled.

  ‘I’m okay, really.’

  Mezz wondered if Kat was in denial.

  ‘I know it probably seems weird to you all, and who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow, or even after breakfast, but right now I feel strong. I feel determined not to let that weak bastard ruin my life, and more importantly I’m determined to not let this affect Ami in any way.’

  Mezz flicked a glance in Ellie’s direction. Was she the only one finding this behaviour odd?

  Ellie returned Mezz’s look and then smiled at Kat. ‘That’s a great attitude, but you were with Josh for a long time and he’s Ami’s dad. It’s only natural to grieve for your loss.’

  Kat shrugged. ‘Maybe you’re right, Ellie, but right now I’m feeling relieved that it’s over, you know? For months I’ve been walking on eggshells around him, wondering what I was doing wrong. I was all the time thinking about how I could make him happy, what I could do to make things better between us. It was fucking exhausting.’ She winced and glanced over in Ami’s direction.

  Mezz followed her gaze and noted the toddler was still engrossed in the TV.

  Kat looked sheepish. ‘Sorry. I try not to swear too much in front of Ami, but I’m afraid all those years working in pubs has given me a bit of a potty-mouth.’

  Jewels reached over and patted her hand. ‘I think on today of all days you’re entitled to the odd well-placed f-word.’

  ‘Anyway, part of me is relieved I don’t need to worry about keeping Josh happy anymore. I’m free to be myself.’

  ‘Oh god, tell me about it,’ Mezz said.

  Kat turned to look at her. ‘Yeah? I figured you and Sean had the perfect marriage.’

  ‘What gave you that idea?’

  Kat shrugged. ‘I don’t know. You’ve been together for a long time. He seems to help out a lot around the house, spends time with the kids. You never say anything bad about him. I just figured . . .’

  Mezz was dismayed to feel her eyes pricking with hot tears. ‘I don’t know what’s going on with us lately.’

  Jewels looked alarmed. ‘Oh, honey, what’s wrong?’

  Mezz sniffed and this time it was Kat who retrieved some tissues and offered them to her. ‘I’m so sorry. This is stupid. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I should be comforting you, Kat, not the other way around.’

  ‘Hey, misery loves company. Isn’t that the saying? Honestly, Mezz, your problems are just as important as mine.’

  ‘It might do you good to talk about it,’ Ellie said.

  Mezz shook her head. ‘No, this weekend was supposed to be about having fun, not sitting around weeping.’

  ‘I think that ship has already sailed,’ Kat said drily, making them all smile.

  Jewels stood up. ‘I reckon we might need a fresh pot of tea, eh? Don’t mind me, Mezz. Keep talking. I’ll listen while I make the tea.’

  ‘I don’t really know where to start. We used to be so close. I felt like I could tell Sean anything, but lately we’ve barely been communicating, other than to snipe at each other. She paused as the sound of the kettle heating its contents filled the room.

  ‘Sorry,’ said Jewels. ‘This old kettle is so loud. It’ll be done in a minute.’

  Once the kettle clicked itself off Mezz continued. ‘I’m not sure exactly how it got to be as bad as it is. Things started to go a little haywire when we moved to Tildan, I guess.’

  ‘How long have you been living there?’ Ellie asked.

  ‘Five years. Sean grew up there and he loves the place. We were living in Melbourne before that. Not really that far away from Jewels, in fact.’

  Jewels returned and put the teapot, complete with a pink crocheted tea-cosy, down in the middle of the table.

  ‘I think I remember you saying something about living in Yarraville at some point,’ Kat said.

  Mezz nodded. ‘I loved it there. When we first moved there I was working at the Alfred in emergency. Eventually when I’d completed my training I got a job working part-time in a big bulk-billing clinic really close to home. It was busy, but I loved it and the hours were good. Sean was working in the city full-time then so before the boys started school they were in childcare some of the time, but I thought we had a good work/life balance.’

  ‘What made you move?’ Ellie asked.

  ‘Every time we’d go to visit Sean’s parents they’d carry on to us about what a wonderful childhood Sean and his brothers had growing up in the country. Sean would get all nostalgic. Then he’d get together with his old mates and they’d talk about the local school and how great it was and how they loved bringing their kids up in a small town. He started to talk about how much he missed the place. And the boys really did love spending time there when we visited. They played outside, climbed trees and rode their bikes. They didn’t have their eyes glued to a screen all the time.’

  Jewels set four fresh cups on the table and began to pour. ‘Sounds pretty good to me.’

  Mezz took her cup of tea. ‘Yeah, that’s what I thought too. We started talking about how nice it would be to move out of the city and bring the boys up in a more carefree environment. And then a job came up. Tildan is so far out of the way, I didn’t think it would be possible for me to get work there, and to be honest, when I said “wouldn’t it be great to move to the country” I really meant somewhere like here. You know, an hour or two away from the city, so I could still see my friends, go to the theatre every now and then, that sort of thing. But Tildan’s in the middle of bloody nowhere. The nearest big town is Hamilton, which is nice enough, but it’s not Melbourne. Or even Geelong for that matter.’

  Ellie looked sympathetic. ‘But you took the job for Sean’s sake, right?’

  Mezz nodded. ‘And for the boys. Look, at the time I was kind of swept up in some romantic notion of a “tree-change”. And I have to admit, the house won me over.’

  Jewels, who’d been quiet for a while, sparked up. ‘Oh, what’s your house like?’

  ‘It’s a gorgeous old weatherboard farmhouse on a small parcel of land, just out of town. It’s got wide verandas all around, and fruit trees in the yard.’ Mezz laughed. ‘It’s one of those places that you look at and think, “I want to move to the country.” I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it and it sealed the deal.’

  Ami toddled over to the table and held her arms out to Kat who promptly picked her up and popped her on her knee. Jewels went to get up. ‘Shall I get her some toys to play with?’

  Kat shook her head, as she broke off a piece of croissant and popped it in Ami’s mouth. ‘She’s fine. She just wants to be where the action is.’ She turned her attention to Mezz. ‘Go on, Mezz, you were saying?’

  ‘So we moved. Barry, the other doctor, was looking for someone to come in and share the load, with a view to handing over the practice when he retired. We figured this would be perfect for us, because as the kids got bigger I would be able to work more hours. Sean decided he would start his own business from home so he’d be on hand for the kids too.’

  ‘Sounds perfect,’ Kat said.

  ‘Yeah, on paper it looked like the perfect life.’

 
; Ellie looked at her. ‘But it’s not?’

  ‘Far from it. I think I’ve told you that our eldest, Max, has a few issues at school. He was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum when he was five. We probably should have had him tested earlier but I think we were both in denial. We kept telling ourselves he was a bit sensitive, a little highly strung. Anyway, moving him to a new school turned out to be hugely problematic. It was a disaster for him socially. And starting high school has only made things worse. This is his second year at secondary school and he hates it. He doesn’t really fit in with the other kids, and hasn’t made many friends. He acts out a lot and takes up a lot of our time.

  ‘Then the other two feel a bit neglected, I suppose, so they fight with each other and misbehave to try to get our attention.’

  Kat kissed the top of Ami’s head. ‘That must be exhausting.’

  Mezz looked at her and tried to remember if she’d ever been as good with the boys as Kat was with Ami. She had barely any memories of calm, sweet times together. It felt like the minute Max was born her world was catapulted into chaos. ‘It is. And if I’m honest, Sean bears the brunt of it. I work a lot of hours these days. Sean’s business has never really taken off. He barely makes anything out of it, so the burden is on me to bring in income. We spent a lot of money renovating the house so it could accommodate us all comfortably, so now we have a huge mortgage. I work long hours and don’t see as much of the kids as I’d like. I think Sean resents the fact that he’s the one dealing with the kids’ schools, making the lunches, doing the drop-offs, but that’s just the way it has to be for now. But, you know, someone has to earn the money to pay the mortgage. I know Sean does a lot with the kids and he probably feels unappreciated, but working at the clinic is no picnic either and he doesn’t seem to understand that.’

  ‘So it’s a time management thing, mainly?’ said Ellie.

  ‘I don’t know . . . No. It’s more than that. Sure, we don’t have much time together, but when we do we spend it fighting. We hardly ever have sex anymore.’ She felt herself blushing and briefly covered her face with her hands. ‘Sorry. That’s probably way too much information.’