The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  ‘Not at all,’ Ellie said, kindly. ‘Honestly, you’re not alone in that department.’

  Kat reached over and touched her forearm. ‘Don’t be embarrassed. Between what happened last night and all that we’ve told each other online over the past couple of months, you three know more about me than pretty much anyone else on earth. You can be honest with us. We’re your friends. We’re not here to judge you.’

  ‘Thanks, Kat. That means a lot to me. I don’t seem to have too many friends I can confide in these days.’

  ‘I know how that feels,’ said Ellie.

  Kat nodded. ‘Me too.’

  Jewels stood up. ‘Sorry, but I just thought I’d start clearing away a little. Go on, Mezz, please.’

  ‘So the thing is, I think he’s gone off me. I mean I know he still loves me, or at least I think he does, but I don’t think he sees me as . . .’ Mezz bit her lip. She was afraid to utter these next words, in case they were true. Her neck and head burned with humiliation.

  ‘Sees you as what?’ asked Ellie.

  ‘As sexy anymore. In fact, I think he sees me as a housemate, a co-parent. He doesn’t think of me as his lover.’

  Chapter Twelve

  Jewels waved away the offers of help from the others and ignored their pleas for her to come sit down. ‘This’ll just take a minute,’ she said, ‘and I can hear fine from here. Keep talking. I won’t be long.’ The truth was she didn’t want to be part of this conversation. Not really. What could she possibly say that would help? As sorry as she felt for Mezz and particularly Kat, it wasn’t like she had any experience of the sorts of things they were talking about. Ellie was nodding along sympathetically and making noises that all wasn’t well in the bedroom between her and Jenn, so it appeared even having a woman for a lover didn’t stop the dreaded boredom creeping into long-term relationships.

  It just wasn’t like that for her and Matt. The sex was still as hot as the first time they’d been together. No, hotter actually. The first time they’d been together was a rather inglorious affair in Matt’s single bed one evening when his mum was at bingo. They’d fumbled around a bit – Matt had trouble getting it in if she recalled rightly – then after about a minute’s thrusting it was all over and she was a woman.

  After that less than auspicious start, things improved. They slowly got to know each other’s bodies, what they each liked and what they didn’t. Matt was a tender and generous lover, even as a seventeen-year-old. So when, after ten years apart – a marriage and a divorce under Matt’s belt – they fell into each other’s arms after a drunken school reunion, Jewels knew that there wouldn’t be issues in the bedroom.

  Of course they should never have broken up in the first place. It’d had been her fault entirely. They’d fought over Matt’s friendship with Anna Fastuca, who was in the year below them at school. Anna’s family were friendly with Matt’s and they’d known each other since he was a toddler and Anna was a baby. Matt assured Jewels their relationship was purely platonic, and she had no reason to doubt him, but it had always bugged her a little. When Matt told her he’d agreed to be Anna’s deb partner, she’d hit the roof. She was flat out jealous and her stupid temper – and her ego – had gotten the better of her.

  ‘Jewels, I have to do it,’ he’d tried to explain. ‘My dad told her dad I would. And besides, I don’t want to hurt her feelings.’

  ‘What about my feelings? Don’t you care about those?’

  ‘Babe, you know I do. But I gave her my word. And it’s only one night.’

  ‘Bullshit. What about all the dance lessons and rehearsals?’

  He’d shrugged. ‘There’s not that many and you can come watch if you like.’

  ‘As if! If you love me Matt you’ll tell her no. Otherwise it’s over between us.’

  She’d fully expected him to acquiesce, but to his credit he hadn’t and she’d refused to back down. She’d then dated his cousin for a few months after they’d broken up with the sole purpose of making him jealous. And it had worked. He was so heartbroken at her behaviour that his parents paid for him to have an extended holiday in Europe, and that’s where he’d met Bianca. He’d married her before Jewels had the chance to tell him what a fool she’d been.

  There’d never been anyone else for her. She’d dated a few guys over the years but Matt was always the one who held her heart. So, when they’d met up at their first school reunion, Jewels couldn’t conceal her delight in hearing that Matt and Bianca had parted ways two years earlier. She’d wasted no time in plying him with alcohol and dragging him back to his sparsely furnished flat so she could have her way with him. The next morning he’d been mortified at his behaviour.

  ‘I should never have let that happen. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Why? Didn’t you have a good time?’

  ‘Of course I did, but I don’t usually do this sort of thing.’

  ‘Do what?’

  ‘Have one-night stands.’

  She’d smiled at him. ‘Doesn’t have to be a one-night stand.’

  Seven years later and they were still at it like honeymooners. Her weight had never bothered him. She was a big girl when they met and he was no small fry either. She knew he found her desirable by the way he looked at her, the way he touched her and the fact that he couldn’t keep his hands off her when they were alone. (And occasionally in public. Like at Mia’s baptism party when they’d slipped outside to the garden shed and almost been caught by Sofia’s mother-in-law, who apparently was a closet smoker.)

  And it wasn’t just the sex. Matt was her best friend. She simply couldn’t imagine them being distant from each other. Matt was unfailingly kind and thoughtful. He always seemed to know just the right thing to do to cheer her up when she was down. Not that he didn’t irritate her from time to time. She hated how he left his tea bags in the sink instead of throwing them in the bin and how he left hairs all over the bathroom sink every time he trimmed his beard. But those things weren’t important, especially when compared to Kat and Mezz’s woes. She made a mental note to do something extra special to surprise him when she got home on Sunday.

  ‘Jewels, what are you doing in there?’ Ellie called, dragging Jewels out of her reverie. ‘Come and sit down. Mezz has something she wants to tell us and she won’t start without you.’

  ‘Coming.’ She wiped her hands on a tea towel and made her way back to the table. ‘So what is it that I have to hear?’

  ‘Go on, Mezz,’ Ellie said.

  Mezz’s cheeks were flushed. ‘I had an appointment with a surgeon in Melbourne yesterday.’

  Jewels’ eyes widened. ‘Surgeon? What’s wrong? Are you ill?’

  Mezz shook her head. ‘I went to see a bariatric surgeon.’

  Jewels shrugged, none the wiser.

  ‘A weight loss surgeon,’ Mezz explained. ‘I’ve decided to have the operation I was telling you about this morning. The gastric sleeve.’

  ‘I missed that conversation,’ Kat said.

  ‘You were still sleeping. Mezz was telling us about that operation where they open you up and chop out most of your stomach,’ said Jewels.

  ‘Ew,’ Kat responded. ‘Why on earth would anyone do that?’

  Mezz’s blush deepened. ‘Actually, the surgery is performed laparoscopically – keyhole surgery like they do for gall bladders these days – so it’s unlikely that I’d have open surgery.’ Her voice had an edge to it.

  Kat bit her lip and nodded. ‘Sorry, Mezz, that was rude of me. It’s just a bit of a shock. Do you really think you’re at the point where you need surgery? I mean, isn’t that reserved for huge people, ones that can’t walk or get out of bed?’

  Mezz shook her head. ‘Once people get to that point it’s often too difficult to perform surgery on them. The risks are too great. My surgeon says I’m an excellent candidate and I can expect good results. Look, I understand that it’s not f
or everyone, but I’ve thought about it a lot and done a lot of research and I think it might be right for me. The reason I’m telling you all is because, if I go ahead with it, I will need moral support and I was hoping I could count on you all for that.’ She looked around the table letting her eyes rest on each of them momentarily before she went on. ‘I know it’s a lot to take in, and that’s why I wanted to tell you in person, rather than through our blog. I’ve got some pamphlets on the procedure if any of you want more information and, of course, I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have. I’ll understand if you decide that it’s not something you personally would do, but what I really need is a place where I can talk about this without being judged.’ Mezz’s gaze shifted from one to the other seeking their approval.

  Kat put her arm around Mezz. ‘Of course we won’t judge you, Mezz. We just want to make sure you’re making the best decision for you.’

  Ellie nodded. ‘We just don’t want you to rush into anything.’

  Jewels swallowed. Surgery was such a drastic measure. Mezz wasn’t as big as she was. If Mezz thought surgery was the only answer for her, what must she think of Jewels? Was she really so big that people on the street were thinking to themselves, If I were that woman I’d have weight loss surgery for sure. She realised Mezz was now looking at her, waiting for her to say something. ‘What does Sean think about all this?’ she asked. She knew it wasn’t what Mezz needed to hear from her, but she wasn’t ready to endorse this idea.

  Mezz dropped her gaze and stared at the table. ‘He doesn’t know.’

  Jewels’ sharp intake of breath coincided with gasps from Ellie and Kat and little Ami’s bottom lip dropped in reaction to their shock. Kat had to jiggle her up and down and blow raspberries on the back of her neck to restore her smile.

  ‘Mezz, you have to tell him,’ Jewels said softly. ‘Don’t you think he has a right to an opinion on this?’

  ‘No, actually, I don’t.’ Mezz’s annoyance at this question was clear from her tone. ‘It’s my body and my choice. Sean’s opinion should have no bearing on it.’

  Jewels opened her mouth to reply but Ellie beat her to it. ‘Mezz, just a few moments ago you were lamenting the fact that Sean doesn’t find you sexy anymore. Clearly his opinion of your body matters to you.’

  ‘And you can’t possibly have big surgery like that without him knowing,’ added Jewels.

  Mezz’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I know that,’ she snapped. ‘Of course I’ll tell him about the surgery if I decide to have it, but I already know his opinion. I’ve sounded him out already without him knowing that I was considering the surgery for myself.’

  ‘And?’ Kat asked.

  ‘He doesn’t approve. He thinks it’s the “easy way out”,’ Mezz said, making quotation signs with her fingers. ‘He thinks it’s a simple matter of eating less and exercising more. He thinks people who resort to surgery are just lazy. He doesn’t understand how they . . . how I battle with food on a daily basis. Food is just fuel to him. He has no emotional attachment to it. No matter what I say to him he’ll never understand that I have tried and tried without success. To him it’s a simple matter of self-discipline.’

  ‘Have you told him all this?’ Jewels asked.

  ‘I’ve given up talking to him about it. Whenever I mention the word weight loss or diet, his eyes glaze over. I haven’t even told him about the WON program, or mentioned any of you to him.’

  Jewels’ mouth dropped open in shock. ‘Where does he think you are this weekend?’

  ‘I told him the conference finished on Saturday night.’

  Jewels had no reply for that. Poor Mezz. Her marriage was screwed. Ellie and Kat both remained silent too. Ami started to grizzle and was it any wonder? So much for their weekend of light-hearted fun.

  ★

  Ellie was woken by a cool breeze lifting her sunhat from her head. Before her eyes were fully open the hat broke free and flew across the balcony. She sat up on the sun lounge and wondered how long she’d been dozing.

  After Mezz’s bombshell, Jewels had decided they all needed to do something to clear their heads. She’d led them all on a walk down to St Leonards’ main street, which was less than a kilometre away. They’d taken Ami to the playground on the foreshore, browsed in the town’s shops – of which there were very few – and ended up at a quaint little café for lunch. They’d walked home along the waterfront and then all taken up individual pursuits for a while. Mezz set herself up at the dining table with her laptop. Apparently she had paperwork that needed attending to. Once Ami went down for her afternoon nap, Kat set off on a walk by herself. She’d taken her phone and told Jewels to call her if Ami woke up. Meanwhile, Jewels was cooking up a storm. That woman seriously did not know how to relax. She insisted that being in the kitchen was fun for her and that she’d much rather be baking than lounging around reading. But that was exactly how Ellie decided to spend the remainder of the afternoon – reading and snoozing on the sunny balcony.

  And thinking. She’d done a bit of that too. Mezz’s consideration of weight loss surgery shocked her at first. Like the others she didn’t think of herself as being so obese that she needed surgical intervention to assist her in losing weight. But Mezz was a doctor. She knew what she was talking about and a lot of what she said made sense. Even though Ellie had lost a few kilos on the program, she knew that half of that would go back on this weekend, and the thought of all that effort to re-lose those kilos was completely depressing. Was this what the rest of her life was going to be like? Weeks on end of starving herself only to have her hard work erased every time she let her guard down, even for a day or two. Didn’t sound very appealing. And yet neither did surgery. Perhaps she needed to do some research of her own.

  Ellie understood, perhaps better than the others, why Mezz hadn’t told Sean about her decision yet. Lately she’d found herself concealing quite a few things from Jenn. Nothing huge, of course, but little things like the real reason she’d started sewing her own clothes again. Jenn thought it was a creative outlet. Ellie hadn’t bothered to point out that she was now at a size where buying normal, fashionable clothes off the rack was increasingly difficult. Like Sean, Jenn was blessed with a slender, athletic frame. She had loads of nervous energy to burn, rarely sitting still even on her days off. And she was a naturally picky eater, so she rarely over indulged in anything. Jenn had no idea how hard it was to finish a meal and still be hungry.

  And there was another similarity between Ellie and Mezz. Ellie was beginning to wonder if the recent decline in bedroom activities had less to do with Jenn’s demanding schedule and more to do with Ellie’s expanding waistline. The scary thing was she thought Jenn would probably welcome a surgical solution if it meant Ellie returning to her former svelte self. The fact that she would only be able to eat tiny portions after the surgery wouldn’t be off-putting to her either, as Jenn did nothing to hide her distaste for Ellie’s normal portion size. Ellie wouldn’t be bringing up the topic of weight loss surgery with Jenn anytime soon, not because she was worried Jenn wouldn’t approve, but because she was worried Jenn would.

  Ellie shivered. The sun had disappeared behind some clouds and the air had a nip in it. Time to retrieve her runaway hat and join the others inside.

  ‘Hello there, Sleeping Beauty,’ Jewels said. ‘We were just discussing whether we should wake you or cover you with a rug.’

  Ellie grinned. ‘How long did I sleep for?’

  ‘At least an hour and a half,’ Mezz replied. ‘Do you feel nice and rested?’

  ‘I do actually. So what’s the plan for tonight?’

  ‘I’ve made pizzas,’ said Jewels. ‘They just need to be popped into the pizza oven when we’re about ready to eat.’

  ‘There’s a pizza oven?’

  ‘Yep.’ Jewels handed her an empty champagne flute. ‘Every decent holiday home has a wood-fired pizza oven, right?’r />
  Mezz and Ellie laughed. ‘Of course,’ Ellie replied. ‘So where is this pizza oven?’

  ‘Downstairs, on the patio out the back. I thought once Kat’s finished bathing Ami we can all rug up a little and continue our pre-dinner drinks out there. It’s sheltered in the backyard so we shouldn’t be too chilly.’

  ‘Sounds great,’ said Mezz, and Ellie nodded her agreement.

  ‘How’s Kat doing?’ Ellie whispered.

  ‘She’s up and down,’ said Mezz. ‘Jewels heard her crying earlier when she went downstairs to fire up the pizza oven.’

  ‘Yes, but she pulled herself together before she came upstairs. It seems important to her to put on a brave face in front of us, and especially in front of Ami. I think she’s getting some comfort out of proving to herself that she can be strong when it counts,’ Jewels said. ‘I think what we need tonight is a bit of fun, eh? So drinks and pizzas downstairs and then back up here for a movie. Maybe some sort of rom-com? We have a tonne of DVDs in the entertainment unit, so I’ll leave you two in charge of picking something.’

  ‘Sounds like a plan,’ Ellie said. ‘Now about this empty glass . . .’

  Jewels grinned. ‘I was getting to that. Can you grab a bottle out of the fridge and take that downstairs for me? Mezz, can you take the other glasses downstairs and let Kat know we’ll be out on the back deck? I’ll be down in a minute with some nibblies.’

  Ellie and Mezz did as they were asked and soon all four them were sitting sipping chilled bubbly on the back deck. Ami toddled around the back garden, occasionally picking flowers and presenting them with great ceremony to one or another of the women. The conversation flowed as freely as the champagne and this evening there were no tears. Instead they talked books and movies, fashion and shopping, and Ellie was feted for her style and talent in dressmaking. It felt so good to be appreciated that she found herself offering to take everyone’s measurements so she could knock up a garment or two for each of the others when she went home. She waved away offers of payment, saying it would be her pleasure. Sure it would be a lot of work, but it would be fun too. And really, what else was she doing with her time away from the gallery, other than watching absolute shite on TV?