by Lisa Ireland
‘He doesn’t mean anything by it. You’re a bit fascinating to him, that’s all. He’s not used to dealing with people of different cultural backgrounds. He’s doing his best to make you feel comfortable. They both are.’
‘I’ll be comfortable when we get to the Waldorf.’
‘Give it a rest, would you? At least my parents know about us and welcome us both into their home. Your parents still think we’re flatmates. I never get to even set foot inside their house. So I think if my dad is a bit clumsy in the way he relates to you then maybe you might find it within yourself to be a bit forgiving.’
Jenn let out a deep sigh. ‘You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight, Ellie. We’re both tired. Let’s just go to sleep.’ She rolled over so her back was facing Ellie.
Apparently the conversation was over.
★
FAT CHAT | Thursday Dec. 24 2015 | Ellie
Merry Christmas! Hope Father Christmas has been kind to everyone, especially the little ones in your lives. Of course it’s still Christmas Eve here. I’ve holed myself up in the bathroom with the iPad, so this will have to be brief!
I’m looking forward to being here in the morning when my nephews open their gifts. Christmas is much more exciting when you have children to celebrate with!
Apart from that I’m looking forward to this part of the trip being over. My parents and my brother have tried their best to be accommodating, but really they have nothing in common with Jenn. And to be honest, she hasn’t tried very hard. She’s spent much of her time reading in our room and gets a pained look on her face when I suggest we do something with the kids or with the rest of the family. Today we took the boys out for a hot chocolate and some cake so my sister-in-law could finish wrapping all their presents. Jenn was nice enough to the kids but I think she found them a bit hard to relate to. I guess she hasn’t had much to do with children.
Best get off here before someone misses me. I’m missing all of you! It’s weird being in a different time zone and not being free to read your messages or message you whenever I feel like it.
Have a lovely Christmas!
Ellie x
PS Jewels, it isn’t snowing here, but it’s bloody cold!
FAT CHAT | Friday Dec. 25 2015 | Kat
Merry Christmas to you all! Ami has been thoroughly spoiled by Santa! This is all pretty new to me. Being brought up Muslim, we didn’t celebrate Christmas. When I was at high school, my non-Muslim friends would give me cards and sometimes little gifts. I reciprocated as best I could, but I’d never had a Christmas tree or anything like that. That all changed when I met Josh, though. We went all out last year but Ami was too little to understand what was going on. She’s still a bit little, I guess, but she loved opening the presents under the tree and pulling her gifts from the stocking from Santa.
I’m really looking forward to the rest of the day too. We’re heading out soon to my friend Miranda’s house. She’s hosting an ‘Orphans’ Christmas’ lunch for a bunch of us who would otherwise be alone today. I think it’ll be lots of fun.
Ellie, I hope things improve there for you. Hopefully the spirit of the season will rub off on Jenn and you’ll have a stress free day tomorrow.
Love to you all,
Kat x
FAT CHAT | Friday Dec. 25 2015 | Jewels
Merry Christmas, lovely ones, or as we say in my house, Buon Natale! I’ll have to be quick as I’m heading out the door. Christmas is at my sister’s place this year and we’re running late. I overslept! I think it was because Mass dragged on and on last night. By the time I’d caught up with all my cousins and family friends afterwards it was almost 1.30 a.m. Way past my bedtime.
Hope you all have a wonderful day.
Love to you all,
Jewels xox
★
It was Boxing Day before Ellie had the chance to log in and read everyone’s messages. Jenn was sleeping off the excesses of the day before. They’d both consumed way too much champagne, but at least the alcohol had eased the awkwardness in the house. In the end it hadn’t been a terrible day. Nonetheless Ellie was pleased to be here in the hotel where she didn’t have to worry about the simmering tension between Jenn and her parents. She’d left Jenn dozing in the room while she headed down to the lobby to have some alone time with her internet friends.
Still no message from Mezz. That was concerning. What if something had happened to her? She was fairly sure Mezz hadn’t told Sean about their blog so it wasn’t as if he would think to contact them. Ellie opened the world clock app on the iPad and checked the time in Melbourne. Two in the morning. Not the best time to send a text and Mezz wasn’t on Facebook, so she couldn’t PM her. She’d try to remember to shoot off a text after dinner, when it was a decent hour in Mezz’s world.
Tonight she and Jenn were heading out to a friend’s house for dinner. Sarah was actually Jenn’s friend. Ironic, really, that even in her hometown she ended up socialising with Jenn’s friends before her own. But she’d agreed to go to keep the peace. It was payback for Jenn putting up with her family for three days. And at least she’d met Sarah. She’d stayed with Jenn and Ellie for a few days not long after Ellie moved to Canberra. Ellie hadn’t seen a whole lot of her as Sarah seemed too busy catching up with loads of people she knew in Canberra, but they’d gotten along well enough. Sarah and her husband Richard now had three-month-old twins, apparently conceived through IVF. Hopefully they’d be keen to share their experiences. And perhaps time with the babies would spark some maternal feelings in Jenn.
The more she thought about it the more she was convinced that a baby was what they needed. Right now Jenn wasn’t anchored to Ellie. She loved Ellie and wanted to be with her – at least she said she did – but there was nothing in their lives to bind them together. Nothing they shared. Their working lives were about as far removed from each other as you could get, and it seemed that as time went on this difference was spilling over into their home life. Ellie preferred quiet nights in with a book or a movie, or romantic dinners for two. Jenn, on the other hand, loved to socialise, usually with her colleagues, and while Ellie was always invited, she rarely felt at ease in their company. Once upon a time Jenn had craved time alone with her. She’d arrive home from a work trip with flowers and wine and revel in spending as much time as possible in Ellie’s company. Granted a lot of that time had been spent between the sheets in those early days, but nevertheless Ellie had felt truly loved.
She wasn’t sure what had changed. Jenn still told her she loved her, still said she missed her when she was away, but sometimes her words felt hollow. The intimacy they’d once shared seemed lacking. Ellie feared that Jenn had realised what she’d always known – the two of them simply weren’t in the same league. All day every day Jenn was surrounded by beautiful people and brilliant minds, the best and brightest in the nation. How the hell was she supposed to compete with that?
Ellie needed to give her something she couldn’t get anywhere else. And after giving it some thought, she’d figured out what Jenn needed, even if she didn’t realise it herself. Right now they were just co-existing in their soulless apartment. No wonder Jenn wasn’t eager to spend time there. What they needed was a proper home. Somewhere Jenn would want to come back to, where they could entertain in style and relax in comfort. Having their own home would give them a shared purpose, something that was equally important to them both.
And a baby would complete the picture, make them a family. What could be more intimate than that?
★
On the tube on the way back to the hotel, Ellie scrolled through the dozens of photos she’d taken that evening. The babies, identical girls, were totally adorable. And they’d been so good. Barely a peep out of either of them all night.
‘Check out this one.’ She ignored the dirty look from the guy sitting opposite and held up a photo of Jenn holding little Abby whi
le she herself cradled Zoe in her arms. Two years away and she’d become more Australian than she thought. No Londoner would ever instigate a conversation while on the tube. ‘How adorable is that?’ she said. ‘We look like naturals.’
Jenn raised her eyebrows. ‘I didn’t feel like a natural. I couldn’t wait to give her back. Why do new parents assume that everyone wants to hold their baby?’
Ellie shrugged. ‘I thought it was nice of them actually.’
The train pulled into Covent Garden and they disembarked, both of them wrapping their scarves up over the bottom parts of their faces to protect themselves from the biting wind as they exited the tube station. Neither of them spoke again until they were safely inside their hotel.
‘Sarah’s changed, don’t you think?’ Jenn said as she stripped off her winter layers. ‘She used to be so much fun and always had a bit of insider political gossip to share. Tonight’s conversation was pretty dull, I thought.’
‘Well, she’s been on maternity leave, so I guess she’s a tad out of the loop, but I still had a good time. I like Sarah. Her husband was easy enough to talk to.’
Jenn rolled her eyes. ‘Richard’s as dull as a post. I’ll never understand what Sare sees in him. Oh, and didn’t they go on about the IVF process. Mind you, you didn’t help asking all those bloody questions. Sometimes you take being polite a step too far.’
‘I wasn’t being polite. I was truly interested.’
Jenn shimmied out of her undies and pulled on a pair of loose cotton pyjama pants. ‘Why would you be interested in IVF?’ She unhooked her bra and grabbed her pyjama top off the bed, before swinging around to face Ellie. ‘Oh El, you’re not serious, are you?’
‘What?’
‘You’re not thinking about having a baby, are you?’
Ellie shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe at some stage. What’s so terrible about that?’
Jenn settled herself on the oversized pillows on the bed and patted the space next to her. ‘Come here,’ she said. ‘We need to talk.’
Ellie’s mouth was suddenly dry. She ignored the directive and eased herself into the armchair by the window. ‘I’m fine here, thanks. What do we need to talk about?’
‘I was going to wait until we got back to Canberra to tell you about this. I’m not sure what you’ll think about it and I didn’t want to ruin your trip home.’
Ellie could feel her heart thumping against her chest wall. She couldn’t believe it.
She was being dumped.
Chapter Seventeen
FAT CHAT | Sunday Dec. 27 2015 | Ellie
Hi everyone. It’s one o’clock in the morning and I’m in the lobby on my iPad. Jenn and I have just had the most enormous row and I’ve come down here to cool off. I wish you were all here so I could talk to you in person.
Jenn has just dropped a bombshell on me. She’s been offered a post at the Australian Embassy in Washington. She wants to take it and move there. I was flabbergasted. I asked her when she was planning on telling me this and she said she was telling me now. I said, ‘What about me? What about my job? What if I don’t want to go?’
You know what her answer was?
‘I’m not forcing you to do anything. If you don’t want to come, that’s up to you, but this is an opportunity I can’t pass up.’
There was no question of it being a joint decision. She wants to go, end of story. As far as she’s concerned I’ll follow her there and if I don’t want to then it’s over between us. Simple as that.
I’m so angry I can’t think straight. I can’t believe how selfish she’s being. But you know what? I’m starting to realise it’s always been this way. It’s always me making the sacrifices. What has she ever given up for me? Earlier tonight we had dinner with some friends of Jenn’s, a couple who have twin babies. I was watching the two of them together, how they spoke to each other, how they operated as a team. That’s what I want in a relationship, and I’m beginning to realise that what I have with Jenn isn’t an equal relationship.
I guess I have to make up my mind if it’s worth it. Because I don’t think she can change. She says she loves me, and maybe she thinks she does. But honestly I think we’re both kidding ourselves. I don’t think she really cares if I come or not. I don’t know. Maybe she’s trying to force my hand, to make me be the one to end it. That way she can tell herself it was my decision and there’s no need to feel guilty about all the sacrifices I’ve made for our relationship.
I can’t believe that earlier tonight I was contemplating having a baby with her.
I do know this much; if I stay with her it will be with the knowledge that my needs will always come second to hers. I just don’t think I can do that. I think I’m answering my own question here, girls.
I think it’s over between us.
FAT CHAT | Sunday Dec. 27 2015 | Jewels
Ellie, I’m so sorry. You poor thing. But you deserve much, much better, my love. Of course it’s not good enough for your needs to always come second. Sure, sometimes we make sacrifices for our partners, but if it’s always the same person having to compromise, that’s not love.
What will you do now? Will you come back to Australia?
Sending you big, big hugs,
Jewels xox
FAT CHAT | Sunday Dec. 27 2015 | Kat
Oh Ellie. Hugs from me too. I agree wholeheartedly with everything Jewels said. I know this is going to sound corny, and I hated it when people said this to me, but I’m going to say it anyway. Sometimes these things happen for a reason. Look at me. I was coasting along in that terrible relationship with Josh, thinking I didn’t deserve any better. I could never have imagined how much better off I’d be without him. I feel like my life is just beginning and that wonderful things are just around the corner for me. Maybe it will be the same for you?
I can’t tell you what to do of course. Only you know how you really feel inside, but don’t let fear keep you in a relationship that’s not working. You deserve so much more than that.
Kat x
In her study at home, Mezz’s fingers hovered over her keyboard. She wanted to reply. Ellie was hurting right now and it was a pain she was familiar with. She knew exactly what it was like to be in a relationship that wasn’t working. Although in her case Sean seemed to think he was the one making all the sacrifices. Nevertheless, she and Ellie were both at a crisis point and she wanted to help her friend. But Mezz hadn’t posted on the blog in weeks now. It was clear to her that none of the women were in favour of the surgery. But she’d made up her mind and booked herself in and she didn’t need any more naysayers trying to talk her out of it.
So far Sean had been spectacularly unsupportive.
‘Are you kidding me?’ was his first response when she told him she’d made a date early in the new year to have the operation.
She’d chosen the moment to tell him carefully. It was a Sunday in mid-December and the kids were at Sean’s parents helping to decorate their tree, while Mezz and Sean wrapped the boys’ presents at home. Sean put down the scissors and looked at her. ‘I can’t believe you’re going ahead with something so drastic.’
‘Because I’m at an unhealthy weight, Sean. I’m worried I’ll end up with diabetes or have a heart attack. I’ve tried to do something about it, but I can’t. I can’t lose weight on my own.’
‘Of course you can. You’re a doctor. You know what to do. Eat a little less. Move your body more. End of story. It might take a while but you’ll get there.’
‘Don’t you think I’ve tried that? You live with me, for god’s sake. How many times have you seen me lose weight only to put it all back on and then some?’
‘Because you give up too easily. You’ve lost weight plenty of times. What about when you did Weight Watchers? You lost heaps. Why don’t you give that another go? I’ll help you. I’ll make sure we all eat the same meals. I’ll just make mi
ne and the boys’ a bit bigger.’
Mezz sighed. ‘We’ve tried that before too. And it works for a few weeks, but eventually the boys want pizza and I haven’t got the willpower to resist the smell, or you are too tired to cook and we end up going into town for pub food. I’m not like you, Sean. It’s all or nothing for me. Once I let my hunger off the leash I can’t stop.’
The look of distaste on his face cut her to the quick. ‘So you’re going to risk your life by having surgery? What’s brought all this on? Why are you suddenly so hell bent on having this dangerous operation? You know I’m not comfortable with it.’
‘This isn’t about you. It’s about me. I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of thinking about it all the time. Of never being able to enjoy myself because I’m always worried that I’m the fattest person in the room. I hate the way the other mothers look at me when I go to the school or to martial arts. They’re either disgusted by me or they pity me. How do you think that makes me feel?’
‘I keep telling you that’s in your head. Nobody gives a flying fuck how much you weigh except for you.’
‘Well, even if that’s the case, isn’t that enough? I’m unhappy, Sean, and I have the means to do something about it. Surely that’s what counts?’
‘Everything is always about you. I’m so fucking tired of you being the centre of your own universe. I would have thought being here for your husband and children would be more important than risking your life by having an unnecessary operation. You say it’s about being healthy but that’s bullshit. You’re perfectly healthy. This is about being perfect. About what others think of you. But what about me? What about what I think? Does that even matter to you anymore?’
‘Of course it does. But, Sean, let’s be honest with each other now. How on earth can you be attracted to this?’ She swept her hand down the length of her body.
‘I must have told you a hundred times that I don’t care what you weigh. Why won’t you listen to me?’