The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Jewels said, her heart racing. ‘I didn’t see you.’

  He moved around to the side of the car and stood next to the open window, just centimetres from Jewels’ face. ‘No wonder you didn’t see me. Your view was probably blocked by the rolls of fat.’

  Jewels could smell the stench of beer on his breath. She pressed the button to roll up the window but before it had closed he spat at her, his saliva hitting her cheek. She gasped and he laughed before finally turning and walking away. The car behind her began to sound its horn, so she drove forward without stopping to wipe her face. She kept driving, eventually pulling over in a quiet side street. With tears streaming down her face she fumbled with the catch on the glovebox until it finally flipped open, spilling half its contents onto the passenger side floor. She scrabbled through the mess until she found a packet of baby wipes she kept in there for Mia. She tore several wipes from the packet and scrubbed her face over and over before allowing the sobs to completely consume her.

  She wasn’t sure how long she sat there but when she was done crying, she pulled out her makeup purse from her handbag and carefully repaired the damage she’d done by crying. Hopefully no one she knew had seen the incident and she sure as hell wasn’t going to force herself to relive the whole humiliating affair by recounting what had happened to anyone else. But if she went home looking like this Mezz would be sure to ask questions.

  As she dabbed on concealer and patted on powder she told herself that there was no need to feel upset or ashamed by what had happened. The bloke was drunk and he’d got a fright. He was pissed off and was lashing out. Yes, he called her fat, and she was fat, but she wasn’t ashamed of that. Being fat didn’t make her stupid or mean or a bad person. It wasn’t the worst thing a person could be.

  But if that was the case why was she so worried about anyone else knowing what had happened?

  Jewels shrugged off the thought as she carefully reapplied her lipstick. He’d rattled her, that was all. He’d spat in her face, for heaven’s sake. No wonder she felt awful and no wonder she didn’t want to bring anyone else down with this tale of woe. It wasn’t that she was ashamed. Not at all. She just wanted to spare others the sordid details of the incident.

  She’d never been publicly abused about her weight before. She’d heard others talk about it in the WON forum and she’d always been sympathetic, but it had never happened to her.

  Sure, sometimes she caught people looking at her when she walked down the street, but Nonna had always taught her that what others thought of her was none of her business. When people passing by stared, how was she to know that they weren’t checking out her awesome outfit, or admiring her beautiful hair? Whenever she caught anyone staring she looked them right in the eye and smiled before going on with her day. So far no one had ever challenged her. Occasionally the person smiled back.

  So when other curvy women reported being abused to their faces, she wondered if it was perhaps their attitude rather than their size that was the problem. Now she made a silent apology to every woman whose word she’d doubted.

  ★

  Ten days later Jewels was back at work and enjoying every minute of it. She’d waved Mezz off early that morning. Having her friend as a houseguest had been wonderful, especially in the second week of her stay, when Mezz was well enough to get out and about. They’d walked along the beach together in the early mornings, sometimes stopping for a coffee on the way home. After that they’d done something different each day – strolling up and down Williamstown’s shopping strip, visiting Jewels’ shop, going to the movies and catching up with various friends and relatives, which Mezz insisted was not boring at all.

  Jewels had loved introducing Mezz to all her family. Even Sofia was impressed with her doctor friend, and as far as Mum was concerned, Meredith – as she insisted on calling her – was practically royalty. Matt had welcomed her friend into their home with open arms. He was generous like that. Any friend of Jewels’ was a friend of his and he went out of his way to make Mezz feel comfortable while she was there. Jewels made a mental note to repay his kindness tonight with a special dinner. All his favourites, and some champagne too. Matt always said no special occasion was complete without a bottle of fizz. The dinner could serve a dual purpose. As well as being a thank you to Matt for being an all-round nice guy it would be a celebration of her success. The bridal magazine came out today and the newsagent had assured Jewels it would be on his shelves by lunchtime. He’d promised to set aside a copy for her.

  The clock above the counter read five minutes to midday. By the time she walked to the newsagent it would officially be lunchtime. She took off her apron, washed her hands and gave her makeup and hair a quick tidy up. ‘Hold the fort for ten minutes, would you?’ she said to Kylie, who’d just finished serving a customer. ‘I’m going to pop up to the newsagent, if that’s okay?’

  Kylie grinned. ‘Hurry back, and bring extra copies.’

  Jewels took Kylie’s advice and grabbed half a dozen copies of the magazine, smiling as she handed over the cash to Stan, the store’s owner. ‘Did you have a sneak peek yet?’ she asked.

  He shook his head. ‘Nah, didn’t want to steal your thunder. Go on, open her up now and we’ll have a squiz.’

  Jewels laid the extra copies on the counter and flipped through the one in her hand. It didn’t take her long to find. There was a six-page spread in the middle of the magazine on the wedding and, as promised, the store had been allocated its own page in return for a quarter-page ad placed towards the back of the magazine. The first thing she saw was a gorgeous photo of a wedding cake she’d assembled for the shoot. It looked fabulous and took up about a third of the page. Text wrapped around the photo and along the bottom of the page was a series of three smaller photos: one of the shop’s display case, one of the whole shop with an artistically blurred figure in the background, and one of . . . oh for fuck’s sake . . .

  Sofia!

  Chapter Nineteen

  Mezz arrived home from Melbourne to an empty house. There was a note on the kitchen table.

  Have taken the boys to Mum’s. Call when you get home.

  Mezz did as the note instructed and called immediately. Sean said he’d be home in ten minutes. She smiled to herself. It would be great to see the kids. She’d Skyped them every day, but it wasn’t the same as being able to reach out and put her arms around them, or ruffle their hair – which was about as much as the older two would allow these days. She wasn’t sure what sort of mood Sean would be in but she’d made up her mind to be conciliatory.

  The time at Jewels’ place had given her the opportunity to think. Seeing Matt and Jewels together had reminded her of what she and Sean used to be like as a couple, back when life was simple and all they had to worry about was their careers. Things had unravelled slightly after Max was born, especially when he didn’t turn out to be the perfect baby they’d dreamed of. But they were still a team back then. Life became busier, more chaotic, as they added to the family, but they’d still managed to be happy. They’d taken solace in each other. Things only changed majorly once they moved here.

  Before they’d moved she’d thought it would be easier having family nearby. Sean’s parents were great with the kids and having back-up babysitters on hand would make life easier. What she hadn’t reckoned on was that Sean’s mother’s help would slowly erode her confidence in herself as a parent. Maureen was a good-hearted woman, who meant to help. At least Mezz thought that was her intention. But her constant advice and refusal to take notice of any of the rules Mezz put in place (a little sugar never hurt anyone, Meredith) teamed with the fact that the kids actually behaved themselves when they were in Maureen’s care, made Mezz feel like an abject failure as a parent. What had been acceptable grandparent behaviour on an occasional basis turned out to be a nightmare once Maureen was part of their everyday life. All attempts to discuss this with Sean were futile. He w
as offended by any suggestion that his beloved mother was less than perfect. He told Mezz she was being overly sensitive and then pointed out that at least his parents were interested in the children, unlike hers, whose main contribution to grandparenting had been to open a trust fund account when each of the boys was born. They made yearly contributions on the boys’ birthdays, and phoned them on Christmas morning.

  Being with Jewels had also made her think about her attitude to family. Jewels’ family were all involved in her life. They were vocal about what they thought of Jewels’ decisions and friends, and even her business wasn’t off limits to them. Jewels took all this in her stride, listening to them when she wanted to, telling them to back off when they overstepped the mark. But she wasn’t hurt by their interference and didn’t take any of it to heart. ‘They’re my family,’ she said when Mezz questioned her about it. ‘They want what’s best for me. I expect them to interfere. It’s their way of showing their love for me.’

  Mezz’s relationship with her own parents was practically non-existent these days. To be honest she’d never been close to them, not the way Jewels was with her family. Mezz had spent her youth trying to please them, trying to be the perfect daughter in their eyes. It was why she’d chosen to become a doctor. She’d thought following in her father’s footsteps would make them proud. She hadn’t realised that they were more interested in her marrying ‘appropriately’ and providing them with suitable heirs to their not inconsiderable estate.

  Originally they’d pinned all their hopes on Mezz’s brother James, but James cracked under the pressure and took off for England at age nineteen, never to return. He’d never settled down, never bought into the conventional lifestyle his parents envisaged for him. Mezz got the occasional postcard or parcel from him still, but otherwise he remained a stranger to them all.

  With James out of the picture, it was up to Mezz to fulfil her parents’ dreams. They’d encouraged her study, but in hindsight Mezz realised that was because they thought she was likely to marry another doctor. Sean never quite lived up to their expectations. Still, they were thrilled when Mezz was pregnant and when Max came along Mezz felt like she’d finally met with their approval. They were proud and doting grandparents at first. They were willing babysitters and showered Max, and then Liam, with gifts. But Max’s diagnosis changed all that. As Max grew increasingly difficult to handle, they focused their attention more and more on baby Liam. The pain of their reaction, of their ‘helpful’ suggestion that they withdraw Max from school and have him educated at home – they would pay of course – still managed to make Mezz’s blood pressure rise after all these years. They wanted to hide Max away, pretend he didn’t exist, because they were ashamed. After one particularly heated argument, Sean had told them to leave, that they weren’t welcome in his home and that was that.

  Sean’s family were the complete opposite. They treated Max, in fact all three boys, like little princes. Mezz’s attempts at maintaining any discipline when Sean’s mum was around proved useless. She’d always seen Maureen’s indulgence of the boys as a type of rejection, a judgement on what a terrible mother she was. But watching Jewels and her family these past couple of weeks had made her reassess this assumption.

  In the spirit of love and forgiveness and saving her marriage, Mezz resolved to treat Maureen’s interference as an expression of love from now on. (Or at the very least keep her frustrations to herself.)

  It wasn’t just the issue with Sean’s mother that made life harder in Tildan. Her job was, for the most part, unsatisfying. Despite his plan to retire soon, Barry had not made her transition into the practice easy. He treated her as an inexperienced junior and his lack of respect for her competency had a flow-on effect. Very few patients elected to see her as their first choice. She got the walk-ins, the ones who couldn’t wait for an appointment with Barry, who was always fully booked. Frustratingly, they hardly ever chose to book follow-up appointments with her, preferring that Dr Turner approve whatever course of treatment she’d prescribed. Some of the town’s women came to her for pap smears, anything gynaecological or pregnancy-related, but otherwise it was clear she was second choice.

  And then there was the social stuff that Sean, having grown up here, just couldn’t see. She simply didn’t fit in. People were polite of course, but that welcoming country-style hospitality that she’d heard about turned out to be a myth, at least where she was concerned. She was only ever invited to social gatherings as Sean’s wife, never on her own. For instance, she knew a group of Archie’s classmates’ mothers met regularly for book club and other social events, but she’d never been invited. She’d once mentioned this to Sean and he’d laughed and told she was being too sensitive. She didn’t need an invitation. Tildan didn’t work that way. If she wanted to go she should just rock up. Everyone was welcome. Maybe that was true if you were born here, but Mezz knew her presence wouldn’t be welcome. She seemed to make the other mothers uncomfortable. Whenever they were forced together at a school event the conversation was stilted at best.

  But that was about to change. The weight loss would be a good start. She’d have more confidence and, once she’d lost enough not to feel like an elephant in a tutu, she’d join one of the town’s many sporting clubs. She’d always liked tennis as a kid so maybe she’d take that up again. And yoga, perhaps. Ellie seemed to think it was helping her stress levels. Surely that would help the social side of things, and it would make Sean happy to see her joining in.

  But the biggest change, the one she hoped would make a real difference to their lives, was her decision to renegotiate her contract with Barry. She’d decided full-time work wasn’t conducive to a happy family life. Yes, the money was helpful, but if she stayed on part-time and Sean picked up a few extra hours here and there, they’d be fine. She’d done the sums and they all added up. Surely a slight reduction in income would be worth it to be able to spend more time with the boys? It would make all of their lives so much easier. Barry wouldn’t be thrilled with the decision but she wouldn’t give him a choice. Of course, they’d have to find another doctor to take up the hours she was dropping, and that might take some time, but surely if Sean knew she was taking some positive action to reduce her workload, he’d be happier.

  She heard Sean’s car pull up in the driveway and she rushed to the front door to greet him and the boys. She stepped out onto the veranda to see Sean walking towards her stony faced. The boys were nowhere in sight. He must have left them at his mum’s for the time being. She swallowed down a tiny bubble of disappointment, telling herself that in some ways it was better this way. At least now they’d have a chance to talk without interruption.

  ‘Hey,’ she said, leaning in for a kiss.

  Sean turned his face and her lips landed on his cheek rather than his lips. He was still mad, but that was okay. He’d soon come around.

  ‘Trip okay?’ he asked.

  She nodded. ‘Yeah. All good. I made pretty good time.’

  ‘Are you well? Feeling okay?’

  ‘Yes, I’m great. I’ve made a really good recovery. My doctor is very pleased with me.’ When he didn’t reply she continued, ‘Where are the boys?’

  ‘I left them at Mum’s. We need to talk.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘We do. I’ve got loads of things I want to tell you.’

  His browed creased in a frown. ‘Come and sit down. Before you start I have some things I want to say.’

  Mezz nodded and followed him back into the kitchen, where they both took a seat. ‘Do you want a cuppa?’ she asked.

  He shook his head. ‘I just want to spit this out. I’ve been thinking about it for weeks, months really, and now I just want to get it off my chest. I’ve had enough, Mezz. I can’t take it anymore. We need to work out a way we can separate without it having a negative impact on the kids.’

  His words hit Mezz like a physical blow. ‘No,’ she said in a panicked tone. ‘No, Sean,
you don’t understand. Things are going to change. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I’ve made some decisions. You just need to hear me out.’

  ‘No, Meredith, you need to hear me out for once. I’m painfully aware that I no longer make you happy –’

  ‘Sean, that’s not –’

  ‘For Christ’s sake let me finish, would you?’

  Stunned into silence, she nodded.

  ‘As I was saying, I know you’re not happy. God knows you never miss an opportunity to tell me as much. I’ve done everything I can think of to try to turn things around for us. I do as much of the kid stuff as possible, because I know how you hate that. I try to encourage your weight loss attempts, even though, despite what you think, I think you are perfect just the way you are. And I know I complain about how much you work, but that’s only because I want to spend some time with you. But it’s become clear to me that that’s not a priority for you.’

  ‘That’s not true. I want nothing more than for us to spend time together.’

  ‘Well, why do you keep making up reasons for us to be apart? Are you having an affair?’

  Her jaw dropped in surprise but before she could answer Sean began to speak again.

  ‘Don’t answer that. I really don’t want to know. It doesn’t make any difference anyway.’

  What the hell was going on here? ‘Hang on a minute. Do I get to say something now?’

  He shrugged. ‘If you must.’

  ‘Firstly, I’m not having an affair, but let’s put that aside for a minute. What’s brought all this on? I know things haven’t been great between us lately, but we’re a team, Sean. We have kids to think about and I don’t want us to throw everything away on a whim. We can work through all this, I know we can.’