The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  Sean cut the lemon slice in half. ‘Want some?’

  She shook her head. ‘I don’t eat sweets anymore. No room in my tiny stomach for junk.’ She ignored his sigh and continued, ‘So, I was saying I could leave the practice.’

  He shook his head. ‘Yeah. See that’s the thing, Mezz. I don’t think that will help. It’s too late for that. You’ve changed. Maybe we both have. Once upon a time I would have jumped at the suggestion of you leaving that job, but since we’ve been apart I’ve realised the job isn’t the problem.’

  ‘What is the problem, then? Are you telling me that you don’t want to be with me because I had the audacity to take charge of my own health? You can’t be serious, Sean.’

  ‘Of course not. It’s not about your weight loss, or even your method of weight loss – although I have to say I was taken aback by your decision to have ninety per cent of your stomach removed. If I thought your decision really was about your health, I’d be happy for you. But it’s not about that. There’s a hole inside you the size of the Grand Canyon that no surgery can fix and I can’t help you fill. You’re chasing something I can’t give you and I’m tired of being the man who’s failing you. I need to move on from that.’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘From the day I met you it’s always been about what was around the corner. You’ve always been chasing something bigger, something brighter. You’re never satisfied with anything, least of all yourself. You don’t know how to live in the moment, to appreciate what you have right now. It’s all about what’s coming next and I can’t be around that anymore. I’m just a simple guy, Mezz. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. I just want to live a simple life. I want a wife who loves me and who’s satisfied by me and our life together.’

  A flash of anger jolted Mezz. ‘You mean you want a wife who’ll stay at home and take care of you and never achieve anything for herself?’

  ‘That’s bullshit and you know it. I’ve always supported you. Our whole married life has been about me supporting your dreams and you know what? I don’t care about that, or I wouldn’t if I thought it made you happy. But you’re not happy, are you? And I guess I have to take some of the responsibility for that.’

  ‘What are you talking about? The only thing making me unhappy right now is the fact that you seem hell bent on breaking up our marriage.’

  ‘I know you think you want us to be together, but that’s only because right now it’s the thing you can’t have. You only ever want the unobtainable. You never want what you’ve already got. Sometimes I think that’s why you married me in the first place. I think you got some sort of kick out of doing the thing that everyone said you shouldn’t.’

  ‘Don’t be bloody ridiculous. I married you because I loved you.’

  ‘I used to think so too, but these days I’m not so sure. I married you knowing that nobody thought I was good enough for you. I wasn’t rich enough, smart enough, not even good looking enough. And you know what? I didn’t care, because the only thing that was important to me was what you thought.’

  ‘I’ve always thought you were more than good enough, Sean. You must know that.’

  He shrugged. ‘All I know is I’m tired. I’m sorry, Mezz, I just can’t do it anymore. We need to sell the house and work out a way to move forward with our lives in a way that will do the least damage to the kids.

  ‘I’ve organised for a bloke from one of the real estate agencies in Hamilton to come by after dinner tomorrow night. I’d appreciate it if you could be there. If we decide to sign with them we’ll both need to sign the papers.’ He stood up. ‘I need go. I’ll see you tomorrow night at seven.’

  Mezz sat stunned for a few minutes. She needed to get back to work but feared if she moved from the table her composure would crumble. Her phone buzzed in her handbag and she scrambled to retrieve it, but the call ended just as she got her hand on it. She looked at the screen. Three missed calls from Ellie. What the hell was going on? She immediately returned the call.

  The phone had barely started to ring before Ellie picked up. ‘Mezz, thank god. I’ve been calling you all morning.’

  ‘Is everything okay?’

  ‘No. Everything has gone to shit actually. I’m at Grafton Hospital with Kat. She went to the doctor this morning and he sent her here for tests. They think she might have ovarian cancer. Kat’s freaking out and I don’t know what to do.’

  Mezz’s pulse quickened and the coffee swirled around uncomfortably in her gut. ‘Slow down, Ellie. I need the whole story. Start at the beginning.’

  ‘After I spoke to you yesterday I had a discussion with Kat about her health. She confessed to me that she thought she was pregnant. I convinced her to go to the doctor this morning. She came back and said that the doctor wanted to rule out some things and was sending her up to the hospital for some tests. We dropped Ami off at her day care lady and I drove Kat here to the hospital. They took some blood and did an ultrasound. Now they want to do a chest X-ray and possibly a CT scan, but Kat’s refusing, she says she needs to go home.’

  ‘She needs to have those tests, Ellie.’

  ‘I know, but I don’t think I can make her.’

  ‘Where is she? Can you put her on the phone?’

  ‘She’s still inside. I told her I was going to pay the parking and bring the car around.’

  ‘Go back inside and call me when you are with her. I’ll see what I can do.’

  ‘Okay. Thanks, Mezz.’

  The minutes ticked by and Mezz wondered if she should call Ellie back. She had to be at work in ten minutes but right now she didn’t care. Barry was there. He could handle any emergencies and everything else would just have to wait. This job had cost her her marriage. She wasn’t going to let it come before a friend in need. In fact maybe it was time to start thinking about whether this job was working for her at all. But not right now. Right now she couldn’t think about anything other than Kat’s health. She started to text Ellie to ask what was happening when her phone buzzed. It was Kat.

  ‘Hey, Kat.’

  ‘Hey, Mezz. Ellie said you wanted to talk to me.’

  ‘How are you, sweetie? Ellie says they’ve got you up at the hospital doing some tests?’

  ‘Yeah. It’s ridiculous. I’m not sick. I’m just a bit tired. I went to the doctor thinking I might be pregnant but I’m not. Now they want me to have all these ridiculous tests, just so they can cover their own hides if I get sick down the track. But honestly, Mezz, it’s unnecessary. There’s nothing wrong with me. I just need to get home and have a decent sleep.’

  Mezz could hear the fear in Kat’s voice. She knew she’d have to tread carefully. ‘Listen Kat, you might be right, but wouldn’t you like to be sure? Why not have the tests while you’re there? Maybe you have something that can be easily treated. You’d like to start feeling better, wouldn’t you? I’m sure that’s all your doctors are trying to do. Looking for a way to help you. The tests won’t take that long and then you’ll have some proper answers.’

  There was silence on the other end of the line.

  ‘Kat, I know you’re scared, but it might be nothing. A benign ovarian cyst, or a big fibroid.’ Mezz knew that this was unlikely because of the speed at which Kat’s doctors were moving, but it was possible and at this point she would say anything just to get Kat to agree to the tests she needed.

  ‘What if it’s not?’ Kat’s voice came out in a strangled whisper.

  ‘Well, if it’s not, we’ll deal with whatever it is together. If it is something serious we need to know so we can get on with treating it right away. Okay?’

  ‘Okay. Mezz . . .’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’m sorry I was shitty at you.’

  ‘Oh, Kat, don’t even think about that. That was my fault. And it’s forgotten, okay?’

  ‘Okay.’

&nb
sp; ‘So you’ll get the scans?’

  ‘Yeah, okay, you talked me into it. I really wish you were here. All this medical jargon is freaking me out.’

  ‘Hey, you know what? I might not be there but I can still help out. If you want me to talk to your doctors I will. You’ll need to let them know I have your permission to ask questions about your medical care, because of the privacy laws. Or, if you want, you can nominate me as your next of kin – that will make it even easier for me to access information.’

  ‘How do I do that?’

  ‘Just ask one of the nurses or office staff at the hospital. I’m sure they’ll be able to sort you out with a form. And let your GP know as well.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll do that.’

  ‘Let me know when you’re all through, all right?’

  ‘Okay. I’d better go and get on with it, I guess. Thanks, Mezz.’

  ★

  The surgery was busy all afternoon, which was good in a way. Despite the stone of dread that had settled in Mezz’s stomach, her heavy patient load meant she was unable to dwell on Kat’s medical situation. Her instinct, and her medical training, told her that Kat wasn’t going to get good news, but what she desperately needed to know was exactly how bad that news was. Once she knew what they were dealing with she could start planning how they were going to beat this thing. Kat was young, she was fit and she had everything to live for. Kat couldn’t die. She just couldn’t.

  Mezz made an exception to her normal rule of turning her phone to silent during consulting hours in case there was an urgent call from Kat or Ellie. She was busy doing a pap smear when she heard her phone ping with a text. As soon as she’d finished up and the patient had left the consulting room she grabbed her phone to see if there was any news. The text was from Ellie.

  Tests complete. No results until tomorrow. Kat has appointment with her GP @10 am. E x

  That didn’t sound good. They’d obviously got the lab to do a rush job on the CA 125 test, because it often took days to get the results. Most likely her GP was banking on having to deliver bad news to Kat in the morning. And if that was the case, then they’d want to book her in for surgery so they could confirm the diagnosis and possibly remove the tumour, or debulk it, depending on what they found when they got in there. If only she lived closer she could be there for all the appointments and consult with Kat’s medical team properly.

  Thanks for letting me know, Ellie. Kiss Kat for me and tell her to call me from her GP’s office. I can speak to the Dr for her if she likes. Mezz x

  Mezz put her phone down and rested her head in her hands for a minute. How could this be happening? There must be something she could do. In all her years of practice she’d been lucky enough never to have to tell a patient she had ovarian cancer. Plenty of other bad news had passed her lips, including breast and bowel cancer diagnoses, melanoma, heart disease and the list went on. But ovarian cancer wasn’t something she’d had to deal with. She turned to her desktop computer and opened a new browser tab. Once she’d located the Royal Women’s Hospital site, she opened the area dedicated to health professionals and looked at the oncology section. The information about symptoms and diagnosis was clear but basic. Nothing she didn’t already know. She sighed and went to close the tab, but as she did a name jumped out at her. Gina Pelosi – director of gynaecological oncology. It wasn’t a common name. Surely this was the same Gina she’d studied medicine with all those years ago? They weren’t friends exactly, but knew each other well enough to say hi and swap study notes over coffee occasionally. She and Gina were both high achievers, students the university expected to go far in the profession. It was nice to see one of them had lived up to her potential.

  Mezz picked up the phone and began to dial the number on her screen. Hopefully Gina would remember her from their uni days and be willing to do an ex-classmate a favour.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Of course Sofia went into labour in the middle of the night. At 2 a.m. on Tuesday morning to be exact. Jewels hadn’t been able to get to sleep, so she’d slipped out of bed and set herself up on the couch to watch reruns of I Love Lucy in an attempt to tire herself out. She’d just nodded off when the phone startled her awake. It was Pete saying Sofia’s waters had broken and her contractions were already coming strong and steady. Could Jewels come to look after the kids right away?

  She dressed quickly and then gently roused Matt to tell him where she was going. Fifteen minutes later she stood in her sister’s kitchen watching as Sofia gripped the back of a chair panting her way through a contraction.

  ‘Fuuuck!’ Sofia yelled. Pete moved towards her and placed his hand on her back. ‘Get your fucking hands off me,’ she said. ‘Jesus, Pete, four bloody labours and you still haven’t worked out I can’t bear to be touched.’

  ‘Sorry,’ he said, removing his hands and backing away. He looked at Jewels. ‘I think she’s getting close to delivery, going by the irritation factor. I think we’d better get going.’

  ‘Stop talking about me like I’m not here,’ Sofia said.

  ‘Come on, let’s get you in the car,’ Pete said.

  ‘Hang on,’ Sofia said, and she gripped the chair and began to pant again as she was engulfed by yet another contraction.

  ‘They’re coming pretty fast now,’ Jewels said. ‘Maybe we should call an ambulance.’

  ‘No!’ Sofia panted. ‘No fucking ambulance.’

  ‘We’re only ten minutes from the hospital,’ Pete said. ‘It’s probably quicker to just put her in the car and go. Who knows how long an ambulance will take?’

  ‘Well, the way she’s going, I think you’d better hurry up. Otherwise we’re going to end up delivering the baby on the kitchen floor.’ Jewels turned to Sofia, who seemed to be coming down from the peak of her pain. ‘Let’s get you in the car before the next one hits.’

  Pete put his arm round Sofia and hustled her out the door and into the car. Jewels followed with the hospital bag. ‘Call me as soon as there’s some news,’ she said to Pete.

  ‘No worries,’ he said as he closed the driver’s door.

  As they were reversing out of the driveway, Sofia wound down her window. ‘Don’t tell Mum yet. I don’t want her rushing into the hospital and fussing around. I’ll call her when it’s done.’

  Jewels nodded and waved as Pete hit the accelerator. She stood and watched until the taillights disappeared around the corner. There was probably no point trying to get any shut-eye now. By the time she set herself up on the couch Pete would be calling to let her know she was an aunty again. So she went inside, made herself a cup of tea and put the TV on. If she’d been thinking straight she would have packed her laptop so she could entertain herself. Last time she checked there’d been no response to her post ticking off Kat. Maybe nobody was talking to her. And really she couldn’t blame them. Why had she gone and shot off her mouth like that? The truth was she was in a bad mood and she’d taken it out on Kat. She was so tense about the arrival of this new baby that she’d overreacted to Kat’s criticism of her new diet. Perhaps it had been so hard to read because part of her knew Kat had a point. For all her pretence that this was the best thing since sliced bread, she had to wonder at the wisdom of starving herself to the point of vertigo on her ‘cleanse’ days. But the weight loss was fabulous, and strangely addictive. And if that loss led to her being able to conceive it would all be worth it in the end.

  Still, there was no need for her to go picking fights with her best friends.

  She would apologise to Kat just as soon as she had time to explain herself properly but right now she had bigger things to worry about. In just a few hours she’d be expected to trot off to the hospital and coo and smile as her sister cradled her perfect newborn baby. Nobody in her family would acknowledge that Sofia’s joy was her pain, that when she picked up that beautiful child and sniffed its head to drink in that just baked newborn scent, she’d b
e mourning what she did not have, and perhaps would never have. It couldn’t be helped though. Her family would expect her to turn up at the hospital no matter what. And of course she wanted to meet her new little niece or nephew. She would fall in love with him or her the same way she’d fallen in love with Felix, Luca and Mia. It’s just that she wondered when it would be her turn. Would she ever get the chance to bring home the latest addition to the family?

  Pete refused to fork out for pay TV so her viewing was restricted to whatever the free-to-air channels had to offer. She flicked around and around before finally settling on an infomercial on some type of kitchen appliance that would supposedly replace every other gadget she had in her kitchen. Somewhere between chopping and pureeing she must have nodded off because the next thing she knew she was being woken by Felix’s excited voice. ‘Zia Jewels, Zia Jewels, what are you doing here?’

  ‘Hey, munchkin. I’m here to look after you because Mummy’s gone to the hospital to have our new baby.’ Jewels picked up her phone to check the time. It was almost seven in the morning. She opened up her messages but there were no texts from Pete or Sofia. No missed calls. Odd. They’d left hours ago and Sofia had looked like it was possible she’d deliver in the car. A prickle of fear settled in Jewel’s chest. Maybe something had gone wrong.

  ‘Zia, I’m hungry.’