The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  ‘Don’t beat yourself up. You weren’t to know. I didn’t notice anything odd until I got here. So what do you think I should do?’

  ‘I think you should talk to her and try to encourage her to see a proper GP. I wouldn’t mention the words ‘eating disorder’, because it might not be that, and even if it is, you don’t want her to get defensive or to make things worse. Just tell her you think she might need a vitamin B shot because she’s so tired and tell her you’ll go with her to the doctor. If she insists on going to that holistic health centre make sure they take proper blood tests. I’ll email you a list she can print out to take with her. In the meantime I’ll look up support services in the area. I’ll call you tomorrow to let you know what I’ve found out.’

  ‘Thanks, Mezz. I knew I could count on you. Hey, maybe you should ring her and have a chat to see what you think.’

  ‘Um, I don’t think she’s talking to me right now.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘How long since you’ve checked our blog?’

  ‘I haven’t had a chance to look at it since I’ve been here. Why?’

  ‘I told Kat there was no such thing as adrenal fatigue. She didn’t appreciate it, and in hindsight, I really had no right to say what I did. I’m her friend, I should be supporting her, not lecturing her. Anyway, I think it’s better if we give each other some space for now.’

  ‘I don’t know about that, Mezz. Maybe you’re just the person she needs right now.’

  ‘Sorry, Ellie, you’re breaking up. I’ll email as soon as I can. Bye.’

  Mezz was gone before Ellie could say another word. She needed to head back to the unit in any case. The burden of worry felt a little lighter now she’d shared it with Mezz. And they had a plan in place, so that was something.

  Kat was standing at the sink peeling vegetables when Ellie arrived back. ‘Good walk?’ she asked.

  Ellie nodded. ‘I needed to walk off that enormous lunch. Are you cooking dinner? I hope it’s not going to be ready soon. I’m still full from lunch.’

  Kat shook her head. ‘These are for Ami. I thought you and I could have a salad later on if we’re hungry.’

  ‘Good idea. Or we could be wicked and just have dessert.’

  Kat grinned. ‘Tempting as that might be, if I’m going to eat anything I want it to be nourishing. I don’t think I’ll do myself any favours by indulging in a sugar rush.’

  ‘A little dessert every now and then won’t kill you.’

  ‘It was that sort of thinking that got me fat in the first place.’

  ‘But you’ve lost heaps of weight, Kat, maybe even too much.’

  Kat put down the vegetable peeler and looked Ellie in the eyes. ‘I’m sorry you haven’t lost weight, Ellie, really I am. But please don’t take your disappointment out on me. I’m sure you’ll lose your excess weight eventually if you are prepared to make some changes to your eating.’

  Kat’s words threw Ellie for a second. She bit back an angry retort and thought through her answer before speaking. ‘This isn’t about me, Kat. It’s about you. I’m worried about you. You’ve lost an awful lot of weight in quite a short time. And you barely eat anything.’

  ‘What are you trying to say?’

  Mezz’s advice not to be confrontational was at the forefront of Ellie’s mind. She’d already strayed from the plan and the last thing she wanted was to make things worse. ‘Nothing. Just that I’m worried. You keep saying how tired you are and I’m wondering if maybe you’re lacking in something.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘I don’t know. Iron or vitamin B or something.’

  ‘So you’re taking Mezz’s side on the adrenal fatigue?’

  ‘Sorry? I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘You haven’t read the blog then?’

  Ellie shook her head. ‘Not since I’ve been here,’ she answered truthfully.

  Kat’s face softened. ‘Oh.’ She tossed the peeled vegetables into a bowl and grabbed a knife. She didn’t look at Ellie but instead concentrated on the carrot she’d started to chop. ‘Sorry. I guess Mezz’s post has made me a bit defensive. I explained that my integrative doctor has diagnosed me with adrenal fatigue and Mezz was at pains to tell me no such complaint exists, which really pissed me off, to be honest. I’m probably just hormonal and overreacting.’

  ‘That time of the month, huh?’ Perhaps Kat’s low mood today was simply a case of PMS.

  ‘Nah. Actually . . .’ She stopped chopping and looked up.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Oh, Ellie, you are going to think I am such an idiot. I think I might be pregnant.’

  ‘Really? But you’re so thin.’

  Kat nodded. ‘I lost a little weight initially when I was pregnant with Ami too. I was sick for a couple of months and lost my appetite. I didn’t lose as much weight as this, but I wasn’t exercising then, so I guess it’s not surprising. My period has been a bit all over the place lately, even though I’m on the pill. Anyway, this morning it occurred to me that I might be pregnant.’

  ‘Wow. How do you feel about that?’

  Kat shook her head. ‘It’s not ideal, to be honest. I’m just getting on my feet after my split from Josh. I have no idea how I’ll afford another child. And like I said yesterday I’m worried about the pressure that another child might bring to my living situation. My future is insecure enough as it is.’

  ‘What about Ben?’

  ‘I haven’t mentioned it to him yet. I only worked it out myself this morning.’

  No wonder Kat had been so out of sorts all day. She had a lot on her mind. ‘Have you done a pregnancy test?’

  Kat shook her head. ‘No. I need to get to the chemist first thing tomorrow to buy one. Actually, Ellie, maybe you could do that for me? I’m sorry to ask, but this is such a small town and I’d hate for someone to see me and for word to get out before I have a chance to work out what I’m going to do.’

  ‘Sure, if that’s what you want, I’ll be happy to do it, but maybe you should make a doctor’s appointment as well.’

  ‘Over the counter pregnancy tests are pretty accurate these days.’

  ‘Yes, but the doctor can take blood and examine you. There’s a better chance of you figuring out how far along you are that way. And if you need supplements of any type your doctor can prescribe those for you too. I’d be happy to look after Ami while you go.’

  Kat was silent for a moment and then she slowly nodded. ‘Yeah, I guess you’re right.’ She started to chop again and then suddenly stopped. She pointed the knife at Ellie. ‘How come you know so much about this?’

  Ellie felt her face colouring. ‘When I was thinking about having a baby I did some research. You know me, I’m a fan of details.’

  Kat’s eyes misted with tears. ‘Oh, Ellie, I’m sorry. Here you are wishing for a baby and I’m hoping not to have one. I shouldn’t have said anything.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. One thing doesn’t have anything to do with the other. And there’s nothing to stop me from going down that path in the future. But for now I need to spend some time sorting out my life.’

  Kat nodded. ‘Thanks for being so understanding – for not walking away from me when I was being a cow before, and for being here for me. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you, Ellie.’

  Ellie walked around to the other side of the bench top to give Kat a hug. ‘I know what you mean. You, Mezz and Jewels are so important to me.’

  Kat’s shoulders sagged. ‘I’m not sure Mezz and Jewels are speaking to me right now. Mezz annoyed me with her little lecture about adrenal fatigue and I said some not so nice things to her. Jewels pointed out that I was being judgemental about her choice to drink those stupid cleansing products instead of eating real food. And she was right. I was being judgemental. I just hate to see her being sucked in like that.’

/>   ‘Sounds like everyone has said things they might now regret. But I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be fixed with an apology.’

  ‘I don’t know about that. Imagine how pissed off Jewels will be if I’m pregnant. Please don’t say anything to the others, Ellie. If I am pregnant that’s news I’m going to have to share with Jewels myself.’

  ‘Oh sweetie, of course I won’t. But I think you’re underestimating her. Jewels is your friend. She’ll support you no matter what.’

  ‘I hope you’re right about that.’

  Chapter Twenty-three

  ‘The urine test is negative, Katia,’ Dr Coleman said solemnly the following Monday morning. ‘I’m going to test your blood for a number of things, including pregnancy, but I have to tell you with a negative urine test I don’t think that is the cause of your symptoms, especially seeing as both you and your partner used contraception. Of course contraception failure is not unheard of, but in your case, where you’ve been doubly careful, I think it’s highly unlikely.’

  Kat exhaled audibly. ‘Well, that’s a relief. I wasn’t really planning on having another baby.’

  The doctor’s face remained unsmiling. Dr Coleman struck her as a conservative old guy. He probably thought she was some sort of loose woman. Not that Kat cared. She wasn’t going to let some judgemental old fart spoil her lightened mood.

  ‘Now, Katia, you said your stomach was bloated. Can I trouble you to hop up on the bed so I can examine you?’

  ‘Sure.’ Kat climbed up on the examination table, lifted her t-shirt and pushed down her shorts a little so the doctor could do his thing. From this angle her belly looked enormous. It was hard to believe that she wasn’t pregnant.

  ‘Just relax,’ Dr Coleman said, as his hands moved over her abdomen. He pushed and prodded for a moment before grimacing. ‘I’m afraid I’m going to need to do an internal examination. I’ll give you a moment to undress and I’ll just ask one of the nurses to pop in to assist me.’ Kat’s cheeks burned with embarrassment. She hated any type of gynaecological examination, but the doctor’s face was so serious she didn’t feel like she could refuse.

  Dr Coleman drew a curtain around her and she quickly wriggled out of her shorts. Moments later a concerned looking nurse stood by the doctor’s side as he conducted his examination. He seemed to be taking forever prodding and probing her. She’d forgotten just how uncomfortable this type of procedure could be. The nurse seemed to sense her discomfort and she moved closer, taking Kat by the hand. It was stupid but she had to blink back tears. What a baby she was.

  After what seemed like forever the doctor withdrew his hand and went to the sink to dispose of his gloves and wash his hands. The nurse gave Kat’s hand a squeeze before telling her she could get down. When she’d dressed again and taken her place in the seat opposite his desk, Dr Coleman was tapping away on his laptop. ‘I’m sending you for some tests. It’s important to get them done today. I’m going to call the radiology department at Grafton hospital and ask them to fit you in this morning. I’d like you to go straight there.’

  Kat shook her head. Now the old fart was trying to organise her. ‘No,’ she said. ‘I can’t do that. I have to work this afternoon. Just give me the form and I’ll call them myself.’

  Dr Coleman’s expression softened. ‘Katia,’ he said, ‘I hope I’m wrong, but we are potentially dealing with something very serious here. These tests are urgent. I can give you a certificate for work. I can even get my receptionist to call your workplace on your behalf if you think that will help, but I really do need you to go right away.’

  Kat felt the air leaving her lungs like she was a balloon deflating. Serious? How could she have anything serious wrong with her? She was young. She was fit. She was just a bit tired, that was all. This old bloke was off his rocker. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘I’m sorry to tell you that I felt a mass in your abdomen. I can’t be sure what it is, but there is a chance that it could be something sinister. I’d like to rule that scenario out as soon as possible. Is there someone who could go with you to the hospital? Your partner, perhaps?’

  Kat shook her head as her pulse thudded in her temples. ‘No. He’s . . . we’re . . .’ she stammered, unable to finish the sentence. She had no idea what she and Ben were yet, but she knew it didn’t include him holding her hand while she got bad news.

  ‘A friend, perhaps? It might be best if you had someone drive you there.’

  She nodded slowly. ‘When you say sinister, what do you mean? You don’t think I have cancer, do you?’

  Dr Coleman’s already lined brow creased further as he replied, ‘There’s no way of telling without further tests. Look, it might just be a simple ovarian cyst, however some of your symptoms are consistent with ovarian cancer, so I’d like to rule that out as soon as possible.’ He smiled then, but there was no comfort in the gesture, not when Kat could clearly see the worry in his eyes. He continued to talk, saying something about ultrasounds and biopsies, but the words swirled around in her head making no sense. Finally he passed the paperwork across the desk and stood up, signalling that the appointment was over.

  Kat made her way to reception in a fog. She managed to hand the receptionist her Medicare card and sort out her bill before making her way out of the surgery into the glaring sunshine. Everything around her seemed surreal, as if she was in a dream or a movie perhaps. People were going about their business as if nothing had changed, as if the earth hadn’t just shifted on its axis. She had no idea what she was supposed to do next. She climbed into her beat up old car and slid her sunglasses on, craving protection from the brightness all around. As she turned the key in the ignition she was comforted by one thought.

  Thank goodness Ellie was here. She’d know what to do.

  ★

  Mezz was running five minutes late to her lunchtime coffee date with Sean, so she ignored the buzzing of her phone. If it was work she didn’t want to know about it, and if it was Sean she would be walking into the café any second. She couldn’t risk appearing distracted when she saw him. Things were on shaky enough ground as it was.

  She saw him at a corner table as she entered and waved. He gave a non-committal nod in response. She approached the table and hesitated for a split second before taking a seat. She’d been about to greet him with a kiss, but thought better of it. ‘Sorry I’m late,’ she said.

  He shrugged. ‘I’m surprised you actually got here.’

  ‘Of course I’m here. This is important to me.’ Her phone buzzed again and she glanced at her handbag, but once again decided checking her phone wasn’t a great idea.

  ‘Aren’t you going to get that?’

  She shook her head. ‘It’ll just be work with some mundane question. Barry’s there today so he can handle any emergencies. And the school always rings you first, so I know the boys are fine. Anyone else can wait.’

  ‘Wow. I never thought I’d see the day. The indispensable Dr Grant, letting her phone go to voicemail.’

  ‘Give it a rest, would you? I didn’t come here to fight, Sean.’

  ‘No, me either.’

  ‘So what did you want to talk about?’

  Sean avoided her gaze and looked at the menu. ‘Should we order something?’

  ‘I just want coffee.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll go up and order.’ He didn’t ask what sort of coffee she wanted and she was grateful for that. At least he wasn’t pretending that he no longer knew her, that there wasn’t something between them, even if it was only history. She could work with that.

  When he took his seat again she repeated her question. ‘Why are we here, Sean? What did you want to see me about?’

  He exhaled audibly. ‘This isn’t working – me living in the house and you in the guesthouse. I can’t deal with it anymore.’

  A huge bubble of relief burst inside Mezz and flooded her body with happiness.
She knew she was grinning like an idiot, but she didn’t care. ‘I’m so happy to hear you say that. I hate us all being apart. It just doesn’t make any sense.’ She reached across the table to take his hand, but he withdrew from her, leaning back in his chair.

  ‘Mezz, I’m sorry. I think you’ve misunderstood. I don’t want you to move back in. I want us to sell the house.’

  The impact of his words rendered her speechless for a moment. This wasn’t a fight anymore. It wasn’t them taking time to sort things out. This was serious. It was the end.

  ‘I’m sorry. This has obviously come as a shock to you, but nothing’s changed. I can’t see how anything can be different between us. Your job has always been the focus of your world. You know, I thought when we moved here our lives would slow down and that you and I would have more time together.’

  ‘But you knew what the deal was when I signed on with Barry. You knew that meant taking on more hours as the kids got older.’

  ‘You’re right, I know. I guess back then I didn’t understand that just because kids are in school it doesn’t necessarily mean they need less parental input. Back then we didn’t anticipate that Max’s needs would intensify as he got older. The issue is, Mezz, that we haven’t been able to resolve this. No matter how much we talk or how much we want our family to work, it just hasn’t for a long time.’

  ‘It’s not too late. Things can change. At the end of the day it’s just a job. If you want me to quit, I’ll quit. I don’t know how we’ll cope financially but we’ll work it out.’

  Sean was saved from having to reply immediately as the waitress approached their table. The teenager smiled at them as she placed two coffees and a slab of lemon slice on the table.

  ‘Thanks, Maddy,’ Sean said.

  It took a moment for Mezz to realise it was the Thompson girl, one of Sean’s mates daughters. Mezz did her best to avoid the huge family barbecues hosted by Sean’s old school friends. As the only outsider she never got any of the ‘in’ jokes and she found the constant reminiscing about high school days tedious in the extreme. At first she’d gone, but eventually she realised that sitting on the periphery of this group made her feel more lonely than not belonging at all. So she made up excuses not to go to their events. Of course that meant she didn’t really get to know any of them very well and frequently didn’t recognise their ever-growing offspring when she came across them in town, like Maddy just now. Every time something like that happened it further cemented her reputation as being a stuck up snob. There was no winning in this town.