by Lisa Ireland
Kat’s brow creased in confusion for a moment until she realised Dr Miles was talking about Mezz. ‘Okay,’ she said.
The doctor grabbed the privacy curtain to pull it open. ‘Do you have anything you want to ask me before I leave?’
‘Yes,’ Kat said. ‘I need you to tell me straight. How long do I have to live?’
The surgeon’s hand fell from the curtain and she looked Kat in the eye. ‘I’m sorry. I honestly can’t answer that.’
‘You must have some idea. Please. I have a child. A little girl. She’s only a baby. I need to know how long I have left with her.’
Dr Miles shook her head. ‘It’s hard to say. There are lots of different things we can try. I’m sorry to say that your cancer is advanced though, Katia. We can certainly treat it, but at this stage a complete remission is unlikely.’
Kat felt the weight of the words settle into her gut. She’d suspected as much. Medical people didn’t fast track surgery unless they were dealing with something serious. But despite fearing the worst, a tiny part of her had hoped it was all a mistake, that the tumour was nothing but a big cyst that could be removed and then she and Ami could get on with their lives. ‘So it’s terminal. There’s no hope?’
‘I’ve been doing this job long enough to know that there is always hope. We’re not gods here. I can’t predict what will happen to you. I’ve seen patients who I thought wouldn’t see out the month go on to live years, and others who were stable with a good prognosis suddenly go downhill. My advice is to take it one day at a time. I know that’s a cliché, but honestly it’s the best approach to dealing with an illness like this. Continue to live your life while you can. Decide on the treatments that will best help you do that. And never give up hope.’ Dr Miles smiled and patted her hand. ‘Spend some time with the people you love.’ She drew back the curtain and made her exit, leaving Kat exposed to the world.
★
‘Hey, watch where you’re going, why don’t you?’
Jewels looked up to see her shopping trolley was blocking the path of a cantankerous old-age pensioner. ‘Sorry,’ she said, moving the trolley to the left of the aisle.
‘Pfft,’ the old man said. ‘You just about ran over me. You young people need to get your heads out of your phones and concentrate on what you’re supposed to be doing.’ He wheeled his trolley away before Jewels had the chance to say anything, let alone tell him she was consulting the shopping list on her phone and that she was here being a good sister, shopping for a family who had a newborn baby.
But if the truth was known, it wasn’t the shopping list that was distracting her. She’d been buzzing up and down the aisles minding her own business when the song being piped through the supermarket sound system stopped her in her tracks. The song, ‘Best Friend’, always took her back to her youth and to Josie in particular. They’d spent hours in front of the music video trying to perfect Brandy’s dance moves and singing the syrupy words to each other. That was before Josie got sick. Before Jewels had let her down. Now it was happening all over again.
Kat was sick and once again she didn’t know what to do.
She wasn’t an idiot. Ovarian cancer was deadly, she knew that. Matt’s cousin Grace had been diagnosed five years ago. She was thirty-three at the time and her youngest child was less than a year old. Her cancer was stage two, and no one thought she would die. She had a gorgeous husband and three beautiful daughters to live for. But four years later, she and Matt had stood wet eyed watching those little girls throwing roses onto their mother’s coffin.
This week she just couldn’t afford to get bogged down in the ‘what ifs’ with Kat. She would be fine. Kat was different to Grace, who’d always been a bit fragile or sickly now that she came to think of it. Kat was strong. She was healthy and she was a fighter. She’d been in a war and survived that, for god’s sake; as if she was going to let some stupid little tumour take her life. And she had Mezz beside her the whole way. Mezz would know all the questions to ask. And she knew people, other doctors. She’d be able to get Kat in to see all the right specialists. Kat would have the very best of care, unlike Grace, who’d wasted her time on stupid quackery instead of getting proper treatment in the beginning. Kat was not Grace.
And she was not Josie either.
This was totally different. People survived this sort of thing all the time. In fact, Jewels was confident that if she picked up one of the trashy magazines at the checkout she’d find a story of someone who’d beaten the odds. Kat was a survivor. There was no need for any of them to panic just yet.
She took a deep breath and nodded slightly to herself. Kat would be fine, and in any case, there was nothing she could do that Mezz and Ellie hadn’t already covered. Lily needed her right now, and Sofia too of course. She’d send flowers and a lovely card, and tell Kat she’d catch up with her soon.
With that decision sorted Jewels threw a box of breakfast cereal into her cart and wheeled the trolley into the next aisle.
★
Three days later Mezz stood at the end of Kat’s bed trying her best to keep her face impassive as the oncologist explained the type, grade and stage of Kat’s cancer. Kat’s eyes were wide and glassy, her lips set in a thin line. The oncologist’s voice was soft and kind, but there was no putting a good spin on this news. The cancer was advanced and aggressive, and by the sounds of it the oncologist thought it was fatal. No amount of ‘doctor speak’ could hide that. Obviously Kat understood the implications of what he was saying. He patted Kat’s hand and placed a sheaf of papers on the bed, telling her to read the material and discuss it with her loved ones before making any decisions about further treatment.
Mezz’s pulse began to thud in her temple. Why wasn’t this so-called specialist impressing upon Kat the urgency of starting chemo right away? Why wasn’t he offering her a place in a clinical trial?
‘Make a note of any questions you have. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow.’
Mezz followed Dr Prasad into the corridor. ‘Hang on a minute,’ she said. ‘Is that it? What about clinical trials?’
‘At this point, Katia doesn’t fit the criteria for any of the trials I’m aware of. Of course new trials do come up all the time.’
‘There must be something? Have you even bothered to investigate?’
‘Dr Grant, I’m sure you’re aware that your friend’s situation is very grave. I understand this is hard to accept, but sometimes the best care we can give to people is to help them make the most of the time they have left.’
Oh god, they weren’t even going to try. They were treating her as palliative already. ‘You’re saying she won’t even be considered for clinical trials?’ Mezz’s heart pounded against her chest wall. She couldn’t let this happen.
Dr Prasad shook his head. ‘I’m not saying that. What I’m saying is go, be with your friend. Answer her questions gently and listen to her. Let her lead the way. I’ll be back to see her tomorrow.’
As she watched the oncologist walk away, Mezz steeled herself to go back into the room. Ellie was at the hotel with Ami, and she’d promised to phone with an update as soon as she knew anything but, really, what could she say? The doctors had given Kat virtually no hope. They weren’t looking to cure her cancer, simply to buy her some time and make her comfortable. How could she deliver that news to Ellie over the phone? Besides, Kat was by herself now. No matter how hard it was Mezz had to go back in there, put a smile on her face and somehow be a comfort to her friend.
Kat patted the bed beside her as Mezz walked back into the room. ‘Sit down,’ she said. ‘You look beat.’
‘Me? No, I’m fine,’ she lied. ‘I probably just need a coffee. But what about you? How are you doing? Do you want talk about what Dr Prasad just said?’
Kat shrugged. ‘I don’t know that there’s that much to talk about, Mezz. I get it. I’m dying.’
‘No, no, honey. That�
�s not true.’ Mezz picked up the handouts the oncologist had left on the bed. ‘This is all literature about different treatments. There are lots and lots of things they can try. You just have to hang in there, Kat. Everyone’s different. Just because things are serious, it doesn’t mean they’re over.’ She grinned almost crazily. ‘Trust me. I’m a doctor.’
What the hell was wrong with her? She was being unprofessional in the extreme. She was supposed to be helping Kat sort through the medical jargon, not giving her false hope. But how could she just sit here and coldly tell one of her best friends that there was no hope, that her life was over? And besides, there were miracles. People who survived against the odds and no one knew why. A clinical trial might just be the answer. She’d go over Prasad’s head if she had to. Gina Pelosi was the head of the department and Mezz wasn’t above asking her for another favour.
Kat gave a half-hearted laugh. ‘I do trust you, Mezz, but I don’t think you’re allowing yourself to accept the truth. If you didn’t know me, you wouldn’t be talking to me about cures, now would you?’
A lump formed in Mezz’s throat. ‘But I do know you.’ To her horror her eyes began to water. ‘I know how strong you are, and what you’ve already been through in your life. This is just another obstacle, Kat. But this time you have an advantage. You’re not in this on your own. You have me. And Ellie and Jewels too. We’re here for you. We’ll take care of you and Ami. All you have to do is work on getting better.’
Kat reached out and placed her hand on Mezz’s. ‘Mezz, I really appreciate you being here for me. It means the world to me. You honestly don’t know how much. But right now I need some time on my own. I need to read this stuff by myself. To think about the information I’ve been given on my own. Why don’t you go back to the hotel? Spend some time with Ellie and Ami. Maybe the three of you could do something fun together.’
‘Of course, if that’s what you want. But are you sure you want to be alone?’
Kat nodded. ‘I have some things to think about. And some calls I need to make.’
Mezz gave her a tentative nod. ‘Okay. Ellie and I will be back later with Ami.’ She leaned in and kissed Kat’s cheek. ‘Promise you’ll call me if there’s anything you need.’
‘I promise.’
★
Kat diligently read through all the information sheets she’d been given and thought about Dr Prasad’s earlier words. After talking to the surgeon and the oncologist it was now clear to her that her condition was considered terminal. What she didn’t know was how long she had to live.
The thought of chemo was not appealing. Not when it didn’t offer even the hope of a cure as a reward. But Ami was still so little; if she gave up and died soon, her precious daughter wouldn’t even remember her. Then again, if she had the treatment, who would look after her? Who would care for Ami if she wasn’t able to? Her heart clenched. Who the hell was going to look after Ami full stop?
The thought of giving up her daughter made her sick to her stomach, but it was a fact that needed to be faced. And like it or not, Ami had a dad on the other side of the country who loved her and who was capable of caring for her. Nikki probably hadn’t bargained on a toddler being part of the deal when she hooked up with Josh, but it would be bad luck because in the absence of other family, there was no one else. Kat’s stomach churned. How would that woman treat her baby? Would she grow to love her? Adopt her as her own? As much as it hurt to imagine Ami calling another woman ‘Mum’, it was better than the alternative – Ami being unwanted and unloved by her new stepmother.
Razor sharp pain stabbed Kat’s chest and she placed both hands over her heart in an attempt to ease it. How, how, how could this be happening? It was so unfair. Soon she’d be gone and she’d feel no pain, but her precious baby would be forever broken. All her hopes and dreams for Ami were falling apart. Everything she’d tried to protect her little girl from was about to come crashing into Ami’s life. Ami was going to be left in exactly the same position Kat was in as a child. The loss of a parent would leave her at the mercy of a step-parent, which might or might not work out. In Kat’s case it had gone spectacularly wrong.
If Nikki wasn’t thrilled about unexpected motherhood, Ami’s life would be miserable, just like Kat’s was once her mother remarried. And there was nothing Kat could do to protect her.
Her only hope was Josh. He hadn’t been a stellar father these past four months, but he loved Ami, at least he once had. He mightn’t call anymore, but maybe that had more to do with the fact that he didn’t want to speak to Kat. Ami was still too little to have a proper conversation on the phone, so perhaps that was the reason for his lack of communication. He’d continued to deposit money into her account each month, so clearly he took his responsibilities towards his daughter seriously. Perhaps if he had sole custody of Ami, unfettered by the failure of their relationship, he’d be free to be the dad she’d always hoped he would be. Because if Kat’s experience of living with a step-parent was repeated, Ami was going to need a dad who loved her and who was prepared to stand up for her.
When Ami was born Kat had made herself a promise that Ami would always come first. She would be the type of mother who would do everything in her power to protect her child and save her from grief. She would make sure Ami had the things that counted – food, shelter and, most importantly, love. She would never abandon her child.
Somehow it had never occurred to her that the choice to leave might be taken out of her hands.
Kat picked up her mobile, refusing to give in to the tears that were beginning to well. She wasn’t dead yet. Right now she was still Ami’s mum and she needed to spend the time she had left making sure her baby girl would be looked after once she was gone.
Chapter Twenty-six
Later that day, Ellie pressed her index finger to her lips as Mezz appeared in the connecting doorway of their adjoining hotel rooms. ‘Ami’s asleep,’ she said, inclining her head towards the cot provided by the hotel. ‘Let’s go into your room.’
Mezz nodded and made her way back through the open door between the two rooms. Ellie strategically placed her handbag on the floor in the doorway to keep the door wedged open and then pulled the door behind her. She wanted to be sure they’d hear Ami if she woke. Mezz kicked off her shoes and flopped onto the bed, while Ellie settled herself in the armchair.
‘How is she?’
‘Remarkably well for someone who’s been given pretty bad news.’
Ellie’s chest constricted. ‘What news? What did they say?’
Mezz’s face crumpled. ‘Oh, El, I wish I didn’t have to tell you this. It’s bad. About as bad as it gets. They’ve told her it’s stage four and aggressive. The cancer’s spread. It was all through her pelvis, which to be honest didn’t surprise me. It’s often the case with ovarian cancer. But it’s even worse than that. The scans showed lesions on her liver and in her lungs, which I really didn’t see coming. Often ovarian cancer doesn’t metastasise until it’s recurrent.’
Ellie shook her head, bewildered. ‘I don’t understand. What do you mean?’
‘It means she’s considered terminal already. Most women with ovarian cancer are diagnosed as stage three, before it’s spread outside the pelvis, but Kat’s has already spread to distant sites, which means her life expectancy is greatly reduced.’
A powerful wave of nausea enveloped Ellie and she bolted for the bathroom, only just making it in time to empty the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl. She flushed and sat on the cool tiles for a moment. Kat was dying. How could that even happen? She was so young, and so vital. It just didn’t seem right.
‘El, are you okay?’ Mezz asked from outside the door.
‘Just give me a second.’
‘Okay.’
Ellie picked herself up off the floor and went to the basin. She splashed cold water on her face and rinsed her mouth. She needed to pull herself together
. Kat was going to need her. And Ami too. She took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door. ‘I can’t believe this. You’re saying there’s no hope?’
‘It doesn’t look good right now. They haven’t even decided on course of treatment yet. They’re giving Kat time to think about what she wants, which makes me think the focus is on buying time and keeping her symptoms manageable rather than curing her.’
Ellie sat back down in the armchair and looked Mezz in the eye. ‘How long?’
Mezz shrugged. ‘It’s really hard to say. It depends on how well she responds to treatment. I think the median survival rate for ovarian cancer at this stage is about a year. But she’s young, she’s strong and she has a lot to live for. If she responds well to treatment maybe she’ll get a couple of years.’
Ellie’s stomach churned again. ‘Wow. I didn’t realise . . . she doesn’t even look sick.’
Mezz shook her head. ‘I know. I’ve seen all the test results and I know it’s true, but I just don’t want to believe it. Even her surgeon was surprised by the extent of the spread, because Kat was relatively well before surgery. The doctors seem to think her youth and her fitness have kept her fairly symptom free up until now but that won’t last forever.’