The Makeover

by Vacirca Vaughn

  Phoenix stared at the many people who’d had the courage to go to the altar and wished that she was ready with all her heart.

  “Do you want to go? I will go with you,” Paulo’s hopeful words caressed her ear.

  Phoenix felt the words tugging at her heart but she stared, letting the battle continue.

  Finally, with a heavy sigh, Phoenix turned to Paulo and shook her head.

  The smile remained, but the light dimmed in Paulo’s eyes. “Are you sure, Baby?”

  “I’m not going to the altar…not-not now,” she stammered, before dragging her eyes away. Her stomach churned as she longed to just get up and go home…home to the Lord.

  But she had to take care of things first.

  Paulo, grabbed her hand, and silently prayed. He knew the war was not yet won, but he thanked God in advance for it. He also thanked his Father for the victory over the battle He’d won that day.

  Chapter 21

  You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth? It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you to freedom (Galatians 5:7-8)

  Following the service, Paulo and Phoenix walked quietly to the parking lot to reclaim Paulo’s car. Paulo was quietly praying that the seed that had been planted in Phoenix would not be snatched away.

  Phoenix was still back at the church in her mind. Her heart was grieving because a part of her felt like she’d had the chance to run to God, to make it all right again, and had thrown it away. What if that was her last chance? She knew that she could have spoken the words she remembered the pastor had prayed with those who had responded to the altar call. She could have also gone to the altar in her heart, right there in the parking lot.

  But she didn’t.

  How could God accept her when she was still so angry and needed to go through with her plan? She couldn’t fool God because He knew her heart. And her heart wasn’t right. She had no right to approach God until she was truly ready to be her best.

  At least that is what Satan whispered to her as she stood next to Paulo waiting on his car.

  Paulo could see the war behind Phoenix’s eyes. He wanted to reach out to her, comfort her, say something Christian-like and poignant. But he chose to be quiet. The Holy Spirit didn’t need Paulo’s help unless He commanded it. After all of his mistakes and failures, he was finally learning not to get in God’s way.

  He would not say a word unless God told him to or Phoenix wanted him to.

  They silently got into his car and drove. When they ended up at Fairway Supermarket on West 125th Street, Paulo squeezed Phoenix’s hand. “Wait here, Tesuda.”

  Phoenix wanted to ask a bunch of questions but found she couldn’t speak. Every thought in her head was wrapped around the fact that she had missed an important opportunity to meet with the Lord. She knew she could speak the words she needed to say right in the car, but just couldn’t bring herself to do it yet.

  “I’m sorry, God,” she whispered. “Please don’t give up on me yet.”

  Several minutes later, Paulo returned with several shopping bags. With a wink, he got in and drove off. Phoenix was surprised when Paulo parked at Riverbank State Park. He got out, retrieved his bags and a large blanket, then helped Phoenix out of the car. She followed him quietly until they reached a spot near the Westside Highway overlooking the Hudson River.

  Phoenix immediately felt relaxed and breathed. “This is perfect. I love the water. Maybe it’s because I’m a Pisces.”

  Paulo frowned as he laid out the blanket he had brought with him. “Or maybe because that’s the way God made you. Believe me, your date of birth has nothing to do with it.”

  Phoenix cringed. “Sorry. It’s not like I’m into the astrology thing.”

  Paulo gave her a knowing glance and he grabbed her hand and pulled her unto the blanket. “I know. We’re all so used to attributing our personality traits to our signs that we do it without thinking. Still, I don’t believe in any of that at all.”

  Phoenix sighed. “You are so intense, P.”

  “I know.” Paulo grabbed her hand and kissed her palm, deftly taking her mind off the subject. “So, Ms. Phoenix, will you be my date at this after-church picnic for two?”

  Phoenix giggled, feeling like a teenage girl again. “Of course, Mr. Paulo. Only, I need to know what you’ve arranged for our meal before I change my mind about staying here with you.”

  Paulo raised his eyebrows. “Is that right? So you would leave me high and dry if I picked the wrong foods? Whatever happened to the thought being the thing that counted?”

  Phoenix rolled her eyes. “That saying was created by someone who wasn’t thinking. Probably was some guy who bought his wife a set of pots and pans for their wedding anniversary. Suddenly it was the thought that counted.”

  Paulo chuckled. “That makes sense. In this case, thank God, it is both the thought and the food that counts. I got us fruit, of course, different cheeses, crackers—”

  Phoenix started to get off the blanket. “Cheese and crackers? Dude, that only works in the movies. I need real food. Oops, time for me to hitch a ride to Dinosaur Barbeque.”

  Paulo shook his head in mock indignation. “You are so ungrateful. But you’re right. That’s why I also got various cold cuts, whole grain French bread, tuna salad, chicken salad, whole grain pasta salad, and blue corn tortilla chips and salsa. I didn’t know what you’d have a taste for. Everything is organic, of course. I also got lots of bottled water and lemons so we can have your new favorite drink. I bought some Stevia in case you wanted sweeter lemonade. And we will have a toast with some sparkling cider, if you wish. Whatever we don’t finish, we can share with our homeless brothers and sisters in this park.”

  “Thanks, P. That’s perfect. Then again, everything you do is perfect.” Phoenix felt her face grow hot the moment the words slipped out. She looked away, the desire to lean forward and kiss him became so strong, she was growing faint with it.

  But Paulo leaned forward and lightly caressed her lips with his. “Mmmm, best tasting dish yet.”

  Jesus, help me. Phoenix couldn’t stop her hand from reaching up and running through Paulo’s salt-and-pepper curls.

  Paulo’s eyes closed. “I love when you do that. It relaxes me.”

  “Oh yeah?” Phoenix said, getting a bit more courage. This time she leaned forward to kiss him back. “And that relaxes me.” She immediately cringed. I am such a corny fool!

  But Paulo’s lips landed yet another kiss that wiped the stain of those thoughts away. They smiled at each other just drinking in each other’s eyes for a time.

  Phoenix’s eyes lingered on each part of his face. “You are so handsome. It’s unbelievable.”

  “Yeah?” Paulo asked, before his grin spread slowly across his lips.

  “Yeah,” Phoenix murmured, watching his golden hazel eyes turn to a translucent gray. She ran her fingertips across the five o’clock shadow Paulo had allowed to grow in for the day. She loved it. “You remind me of a young actor I’ve had a crush on for a while. You could be his tanned twin brother…or older brother. It’s uncanny how much you both look like, even though you are a good twelve years older.”

  Paulo chuckled. “Who is this boy you dare to compare to me? I hope, for your sake, he’s half-way decent-looking.”

  Phoenix rolled her eyes. “Of course. His name is Tyler Hoechlin. He played—”

  Paulo burst into laughter. “Didn’t I see him on television once? I think I was watching him on The View. He was in that movie Road to Perdition as a teenager, correct? I don’t think we look alike though.”

  Phoenix pulled out her I-phone and quickly uploaded the actor’s picture. “Tell me I’m just bugging out.”

  Paulo glanced down at the man’s picture for a second and shrugged. “Yeah, I guess we do resemble each other. Kinda. I mean, he’s much more handsome than I am, though.”

  Phoenix shook her head. “Uh uh, Mr. Humble. No way.”

  “Uh huh. And you
nger. Richer. More talented. Has your heart. Hmmm, I could never compete against him.”

  Phoenix wrinkled her nose and pretended to mull it over. “Yeah, you’re right. There is no competition.”

  Paulo gave her a shrug and a tight smile. Am I feeling…jealous about this actor kid?

  Phoenix gave him a dazzling smile. “How can there be? You’re taller, got a better body, have a relationship with God, live here in Harlem, actually care about me, and have a sexy Brazilian accent that drives me bananas. You’re right. No competition at all.”

  Paulo couldn’t have stopped the blush if he had paid the blush police to arrest it.

  And Phoenix couldn’t have stopped the fluttering in her heart if she had keeled over and died.

  Paulo dragged his eyes from hers to get a paper plate. “Miss, what can I get you?”

  Phoenix grabbed the plate from him. “No, let me serve you. You were so nice to do this.”

  After cleansing her hands with sanitizing wipes that Paulo had supplied, Phoenix fixed a sandwich of honey mustard, turkey-salami, provolone, lettuce, and tomatoes on the French bread for Paulo. She made herself a tuna salad sandwich with tortilla chips. She made lemonade for them both.

  They ate in silence, enjoying the soothing, Indian summer breeze from the Hudson. Paulo asked, “Did you enjoy the service?”

  Phoenix chewed and swallowed. “Um, yes. It felt like the pastor was talking directly to me. And the fact that she brought up the same scripture you did? Man, that was unreal!”

  “It was awesome, right?” Paulo smiled. “I can’t get over how God is constantly answering questions before they are even asked. No matter how many times I’ve seen stuff like that happen, it is just like the first time for me.”

  “I guess that’s why you never lose your salt,” Phoenix said quietly, as she toyed with the remainder of her sandwich.

  Paulo regarded her for a moment. “Maybe. But what made you lose yours, Phoenix?”

  Phoenix was startled. “What makes you think I was ever ‘salty’—she made the quotation marks—to begin with?”

  Paulo shrugged as he took the last bite of his sandwich. “When we left Plata Forma, when we were talking in the car, you gave me the impression that Christianity is not completely new to you. Based on things you’ve said and things He’s revealed, I guess.”

  Phoenix stared at two people on jet skis crossing the river from New Jersey. She finally spoke again when they sped off out of her line of vision. “I am not completely new to it…”

  “Tell me about your journey with God, Baby.”

  “Did I mention I love when you call me that?” Phoenix swallowed, almost shocked that she had said the words out loud.

  Paulo’s thumb caressed her cheek. “Did I mention that I love how you’re becoming that?”

  Jesus help me. Phoenix watched his eyes turn from calm gray to liquid vivid green.

  Paulo leaned over and kissed Phoenix’s cheek before whispering, “Baby, please tell me about your journey with the Lord.”

  “What?” Phoenix blinked. “Oh, yeah. I was raised Catholic. I never really got too much out of that religion. I was so bored every Sunday during mass. I found it strange how we are taught to believe in God and Jesus, but are also taught we don’t have to pray to them, you know?”

  Paulo nodded. “I know. There’s Saint Christopher for travel, Saint Agnes for childbirth.”

  “Right. I went to Catholic school all of my life,” Phoenix sighed, “and those nuns were some of the meanest people I’ve ever met. I am not trying to put down Catholicism or Catholics. I am just speaking from my own personal experience as a Catholic.”

  Paulo leaned back. “Babe, you don’t need to be politically correct with me. It’s just me and you here. I’m not going to call the Anti-Deformation League or something.”

  Phoenix laughed. “I feel you. It must be all those cultural sensitivity workshops I have to take yearly for my job. Anyway, I’ve never really jived well with the church I grew up in. I hated how we had to do confession. And most of all, I hated how I felt like a robot whenever I went to church. Stand, sit down, kneel. Sign of the cross. ‘Lord hear our prayer.’ Stand. Sit down. Kneel. Communion. It was ritualistic and repetitive. I got nothing from it. The church felt…I don’t know, dead to me. Only I didn’t know any different.”

  Paulo was nodding. “Every single member of my family was Catholic growing up, and I felt so out of place in that church as well. My mother would slap me when I would try to talk to her about my feelings. Then she would put holy water on my head, and pray the rosary for me.”

  Phoenix snorted. “Mine too! One day, when I was about thirteen, I accidently turned to one of those gospel networks and watched a preacher. They sang and worshipped God in a way I had never seen before. They sat down and listened. And the preacher actually spoke about something I could relate to. They even asked the congregation to open up their Bibles to read from, rather than those strange booklets. I was like, ‘man! That is a church!’”

  Paulo nodded. “Yeah, seemed like something was going on there, right?”

  “Yeah. So, for the next few years, I would hound my mom to let me visit other churches, but she refused. Finally when I was about sixteen, I went to church with my friend San’s family ‘cause I stayed with her when my mom had to go out of town. I loved it. It was a Baptist church and it was so great—just like the church on television that I had seen. I begged my mother to let me go back, but she refused. I thought I would find a church like that as soon as I was old enough to go out on my own. By the time I was eighteen, though, and moved out to attend college upstate, I kind of forgot about it. I got into college life and all the partying, sex, drinking, and foolishness that went along with it. Coming from a strict Haitian home, I was happy to be free. I was not thinking about God.”

  “I know what you mean,” Paulo smiled. “Went to my mother’s church in Bahia until we moved here when I was twelve. When we got here, I was so excited to escape that church, but we ended up in one just like it right in East Harlem, where we lived. By the time I was eighteen, I wanted no parts of it. That’s why I chose to move to Brooklyn, instead of just going to City College. I wanted freedom from Mae’s rules and freedom from her church!”

  “I know. I did have to go to church with my mother whenever I came home on breaks. After I graduated and moved out fully on my own, I didn’t go to any church for about eight years. But when I was about twenty-nine, about four years ago, I went to church with a coworker after she had been inviting me for months. Again, it was a church just like my friend San’s, also a Baptist Church. I loved being in that environment again after so many years. I felt so uplifted I decided to go back and kept doing so for about a month. One day, accepted Christ as my Savior, and began to live that lifestyle. I was doing it for about two years…” she trailed off.

  “So you have accepted Christ?” Paulo asked in a shaky voice.

  Phoenix nodded. “I did.”

  “What happened, Baby?” Paulo prodded.

  “I really don’t know. I went for about two years, then all of a sudden, I started to feel really lonely. I asked God to send me a Christian man to marry but none of those men were looking at me. Christian or not, men are men. They didn’t give my big behind the time of day. I started to feel strange about the fact that my best friends and I were not spending as much time together, either. I didn’t have a man, but at least my old friends and I used to go out partying. Suddenly I wasn’t into all that and found myself feeling left out. I had no man and no friends.”

  “What about your new Christian friends in the church?”

  “They were nice, but most of the women I met, plus the coworker who brought me, were married and had kids. I couldn’t just call them and make plans so easily, you know? They had families to tend to and could rarely agree to just go out to eat or see a play. We had to plan well in advance. Sometimes I just wanted to get out the house or unwind after a hard day of counseling. But they weren’t
always available. I felt guilty calling my old friends because I didn’t fit into their lifestyle anymore either.”

  “The changes in our lifestyle can shock you if you don’t have the right support system,” Paulo added.

  Phoenix shrugged. “I guess so. By the time I met Cedric, I was already becoming…I don’t know, weary maybe? I wanted to be with him so much that I gave up what I knew to be true about God and Christianity and traded it in for the boyfriend.” Phoenix looked away as she thought, that’s another thing he stole from me.

  “Don’t feel bad. It’s not the first time that has happened.”

  Phoenix sighed. “I get it but I literally decided that having a man was more important than going to church. At first, I would try to get him to go with me. We were sinning, I know, but thought maybe I could get him to go and he would change…we both would. I didn’t have to courage to stand for what I believed was true about God and His stance on relationships because I didn’t want to lose my chance with Cedric. But instead of getting Cedric to go to church, I allowed him to become my excuse for not going. I couldn’t face the church knowing what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn’t give Cedric up. When was a woman like me ever going to find another man like him? How could a woman like me, who was lucky to have Cedric’s attention in the first place, ever ask him to wait for marriage? I was lucky Cedric gave me the time of day. I started avoiding my friend, and the other church members, making excuses when they called to check up on me. Next thing you know, I was out of church for two years.”

  “But you did give your heart to Christ before?” Paulo said, stroking his chin.

  “Yes! Yes, Paulo. I asked Him to be my Savior. I was living for Him for two years. I know it doesn’t sound like I was serious, but I was,” Phoenix’s voice rose as her defenses did.

  Paulo touched her arm. “I don’t doubt that. Sometimes His children backslide. I just wanted to make sure you truly asked Christ into your heart.”

  “Paulo, for the last time, yes. I did. I admitted to being a sinner and repented and asked Him to be my Lord and Savior at my old church’s altar. God must have agreed because I became fully committed to Him. I read the Bible—not as much as I should have, I admit. I did go to church every week for service, took classes, and got baptized. I even volunteered with the Homeless Ministry. I was changing, but I lost the new me in what I thought I wanted.”