Red Hats

by Damon Wayans

  “Hello, honey. You sure are pretty,” Stacy said to Magdalena.

  “And there goes Sister Dee,” Joy said mockingly.

  Stacy turned to Sister Dee and smiled. “Hello, honey. You sure are pretty.”

  Joy almost fell over laughing.

  “That’s not nice,” Dee reprimanded.

  “It may not be nice, but it sure is funny. Hey, Stacy, there goes Alma,” Joy said through her laughter.

  “That’s enough of this,” Alma said as she stood up. “Don’t put me in your sick little game. I don’t appreciate it, and I certainly don’t find it funny.”

  “Oh, sit down, Alma. I always do this,” Joy said.

  “So, you’re always an asshole? Is that what you’re saying?”

  Stacy and the rest of the Red Hats laughed.

  “Bitch, I’m tired of your attitude. Ever since we met, I noticed you had a thing against me,” Joy snapped back as she stood with a fire of hate in her eyes.

  “Ladies, please!” Sister Dee said as she positioned her wheelchair between the two angry women.

  “It’s a long fall to the ground. Don’t make me show you the way. I’m not the one, Joy. If I fight you, I promise I will kill you. They’ll be no pulling hair, scratching eyes, or kicking and biting. I’m just going to take this fork and stab you in your throat. That’s the only way I know how to fight,” Alma said as she picked up the fork in front of her.

  Joy sobered up quickly as the severity of Alma’s threat sank in.

  “Now, I suggest you apologize to Miss Stacy and sit your ass down so we can enjoy our meal.”

  “I’m sorry, Stacy,” Joy said after swallowing her pride.

  Alma sat back down as if nothing had happened. Joy stormed out of Roberto’s, sucking her teeth like a hurt little child.

  “Thank you,” Stacy said, patting Alma’s hand.

  “I’m sorry about Joy,” Dee said apologetically. “We’re all happy you joined us. I didn’t think you would make it.”

  “I gave my word. I always honor my word,” Alma said.

  The rest of the dinner was fun. The tension had left with Joy. They chatted and laughed until the restaurant began to empty.

  “Let’s hit the casino. I feel lucky tonight!” Magdalena shouted.

  The noise from the slot machines and the smoke from cigars and cigarettes were enough to make Alma want to go to her room. Magdalena begged her to hang out with her at the blackjack tables. Alma agreed to spend an hour with the Red Hats in the casino. Knowing that she had only brought a couple hundred dollars to gamble with, Alma decided to hit the twenty-five-cent slot machines. She sat next to Stacy, who attached herself to her new protector and just stared at the money gobbler in front of her.

  “I like the slot machines, because you get your money right away when you win. I don’t like having to go cash in my chips. They know that most people end up gambling away their winnings on their way to cash out. I like the sound of my quarters shaking in the plastic cup,” Stacy confided as she shook the big cup filled with change.

  “Personally, I hate giving my money away,” Alma said. “First of all, I can’t afford to, and second, I never got over being hustled at a three-card monte table as a teenager. I had a job cleaning movie theaters, and my father made me contribute half of my twenty-two-dollar salary to the house for room and board. He said it was to teach me how the real world works. Nothing in life is free. Anyway, I cashed my first paycheck and was heading to the department store to buy a pair of shoes I had on layaway when I saw these men flipping cards and giving away money to whoever could pick out the red card. There was a giant crowd gathered around the cardboard table, and I kept guessing the right card before they turned it over. There was a young woman standing next to me, and she told me I should play a hand because I was good at this. The man in charge overheard us talking and convinced me to put down ten dollars on the red card, because ten would get me twenty, and twenty would get me forty dollars. He was smooth, too. Had the voice of a Holy Ghost preacher. I couldn’t resist the temptation he set before me, so I put ten dollars down on what I just knew in my heart was that red card. When he turned it over and it was black, I nearly had a heart attack. Someone yelled “Police!” and the man folded up his table, then everybody took off running except me. I was too devastated to move. When I got home, I told my father what had happened. Daddy shook his head and told me that gambling is a sucker’s game. That’s why it’s called a gamble. It made me feel better thinking that he was sympathetic to my plight. Then Daddy stood up and said, ‘Go give your mother her eleven dollars for room and board.’ He walked away without even looking back to see my tears streaming down my face. After that day, I’ve never been able to enjoy gambling, because if I lose a penny, I get that same sickening feeling in my stomach. I always bring money to gamble, but I can never get up the courage to play a hand.”

  “That’s one hell of a lesson for a child to learn, but look how it paid off for you,” Stacy said. “It probably saved you a ton of money over the years.”

  “I’m sure you’re right. There’s been plenty of times when we were so strapped for cash I probably would have tried my hand at the god of luck to dig our way out of financial problems.”

  Stacy smiled up at Alma. She braced herself for another memory lapse from her new best friend, but it didn’t come.

  “Can I tell you a secret, Alma?”

  “If you really want to.”

  “My Alzheimer’s is not as bad is I make it out to be.”

  “You mean it’s all an act?”

  “Oh, no, I really have the disease, but I’m just in the infancy stages of it.”

  “Then why would you pretend like that?”

  “I’m testing out these women. I want to see what they are really about before I commit to joining them. I don’t trust many people, Alma. My background didn’t help me to build trust in people.”

  “So, what makes you think you can trust me?” Alma asked.

  “The way you stood up for me. It was a genuine reaction to injustice. I used to be a diplomat. I traveled the world fighting injustice and selling the dream of a universal family. I had that same righteous indignation that you showed. What I learned over the years is that it only takes one person to corrupt the minds of many to do wrong. But it takes many to change the mind of a corrupt person to do right.”

  “Why did you leave that job?”

  “They wanted me to become a spy. My superiors said I had a natural gift of deception. They said I was a chameleon and wanted me to spy on my own government people. I declined and was forced to resign. I still believe in the concept of a universal family. I just don’t know if it’s with the Red Hats.”

  “Well, I can’t speak for all of them, but I can tell you this for sure, Sister Dee is a good woman. She saved my life. Literally. I owe her more than I can ever repay. So, if she thinks there is some good in Joy and the rest of these other women, then I’m not one to argue with her. I, too, promised myself that I would wait and see what happens before I accept an official label as a Red Hat.”

  “Damn!” Magdalena yelled angrily as she lost another hand at the blackjack table.

  “Let’s go get her before she loses everything she owns on the first night,” Alma said.

  Stacy held her hand as they joined Magdalena at the blackjack table. A fresh glass of red wine from the casino waitress quickly replaced a half-empty one sitting on the edge of the table.

  “Are you ready to go yet?” Alma asked.

  “Not yet,” Magdalena barked without even looking up.

  “Let me see what you working with.” Alma reached for the cards and accidentally on purpose spilled the red wine all over Magdalena’s yellow blouse.

  “Oh, damn, Alma!”

  “I’m so sorry. Come on up to my room, and I’ll give you one of my new tops. I am so very sorry,” Alma repeated.

  Magdalena grabbed her chips and purse, then stumbled toward the elevator, supported by Alma and Stacy.
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  “Let me just lay my head down for a minute,” Magdalena begged after changing her top in Alma’s room.

  Within thirty seconds, Magdalena was out cold. She snored like a big black bear in the middle of winter. Alma and Stacy shook their heads in unison at the sad sight of Magdalena sprawled out on the small bed.

  “Come on, let me walk you to your room, Stacy.”

  “I’m OK, sweetheart. I can certainly find my way.”

  “I wouldn’t feel right if your Alzheimer’s kicked in for real and you got lost in this big hotel. You’re on my watch right now. Besides, I’m not going to be able to sleep with all that snoring going on in here.”

  Alma took Stacy by the hand and brought her to her room. Kenny was there to let Stacy in.

  “What a nice young man you are,” Alma commented. “I thought you had left your mother behind with the Red Hats.”

  “No, ma’am. Wherever my mother goes, I go,” Kenny said.

  “You just stay in the room until she comes back?” Alma asked.

  “Yes, ma’am. She took care of me when I needed it, and now it’s my turn to take care of her. Right, Momma?”

  Stacy beamed as she nodded yes.

  On her way back through the casino, Alma got a phone call. She was not used to the ring tone of the new cell phone, so at first she thought it was one of the slot machines announcing a winner. The loud techno sound followed her until she looked into her bag and checked the caller ID. It was James.

  “Hello, beautiful. Did I catch you at a bad time?” he asked.

  “Not really. I was just about to call it a night. What are you doing up so late?”

  “I ran out of your soup and your smiles and was wondering when I can get some more from you.”

  Damn, he had a way with words.

  “I should be home in two days.”

  “That feels like forever. I may get sick again waiting on my cure to come home.”

  Alma took a seat by the elevators for fear of getting cut off from him in the steel box. “Trust me, you’ll be fine.”

  “How’s Atlantic City treating you? How much money have you won?”

  “Talking to you is the gamble.”

  “No, baby, I’m a sure bet. And together we will both win.”

  “I like the way that sounds.”

  Alma sat there talking on the phone for an hour. His voice serenaded her heart. Knowing there was someone on this planet who thought she was special made her feel special. Her phone felt a little hot in her hand, so Alma kept switching ears, hoping the radiation wouldn’t kill her in the middle of her conversation with James. It wasn’t until the battery warning beeped that she allowed herself to let him go.

  “My phone is dying, James.”

  “So will I if I don’t see you in two days. Hurry home, Alma.”

  “I will. Good night, James.”

  “Good night, sweet Alma.”

  She held the heated phone to her breast and looked up to heaven, silently thanking God for this wonderful man he had brought into her life.

  chapter fourteen

  Alma awakened with a stiff neck from sleeping in the chair. Magdalena lay spread-eagle the entire night, taking up all of the bed and all of the air in the room with her grizzly-bear snore. Her breasts hung to the sides from lifting her bra to scratch her big sweaty titties.

  “Magdalena, wake up. It’s six o’clock in the morning and time for you to go,” Alma said.

  Magdalena woke mid-snore. “Oh, God, my head is killing me. Where am I?”

  “You’re in my room. I couldn’t get you to move over, so I had to sleep in this chair.”

  “What time is it?”

  “ ‘I’m sorry’ is supposed to be the words coming out of your mouth,” Alma scolded. “How about a ‘Thank you for your kindness, Alma’?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “And?”

  “And thank you,” Magdalena said unconvincingly. “Damn. Stop giving me grief. I just woke up. I’m still drunk.”

  “You’re going to have to leave now. I am in no mood to teach a grown woman manners. You take your big drunk ass out my room right now. I need to get some sleep.”

  Magdalena sucked her teeth and mumbled something incoherent as she stumbled out of the room, still drunk from the night before. Alma let the door slam behind her. A second later, there was a knock at the door.

  “Who is it?”

  “Maggie. I left my room key in there.”

  “Too bad. If you wouldn’t have been such an ingrate, I might have slipped it to you under the door. But you go on downstairs and get a new key from the front desk,” Alma said from behind the locked door.

  “Alma!”

  “If you don’t get from in front of my door, I’m going to call security.”

  Magdalena kicked the door, then headed for the elevators. Alma laughed to herself, thinking about how tore up Magdalena probably looked as she stumbled down the hallway.

  * * *

  When Alma finally woke up, it was twelve thirty in the afternoon. She hadn’t slept that late in years. It felt as if she got cheated out of half the day. She made herself a cup of coffee with the little coffee maker on the bathroom sink. She hated the powdered cream but couldn’t drink her coffee black. Alma called Dee’s room.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey, it’s Alma. Are you dressed yet?”

  “Yes. I’ve been up since nine watching the news.”

  “Can I treat you to lunch?” Alma asked.

  “There’s a nice all-you-can-eat buffet downstairs. I can call the girls and have them meet us there.”

  “I’d rather take just you someplace special.”

  “If you’re treating, I’m eating,” Dee joked.

  Alma pushed Dee’s wheelchair down the Atlantic City Boardwalk as they strolled toward the Tropicana Hotel where the Palm restaurant was housed. Dee had wanted to try their famous Gigi salad and ribeye steak. Alma didn’t like the looks she got from some of the black women who visibly questioned her role in Dee’s life. The looks said, You must be the caretaker or the maid. She knew those stares from way back. The funny thing was, Sister Dee didn’t even notice them. She just kept talking and pointing out everything that caught her eye.

  When they were finally seated in the restaurant, Alma realized that her appetite had been worked up from pushing the metal chair seven city blocks. She ordered the porterhouse with mashed potatoes and creamed spinach. Dee ordered what she’d come for, the Gigi and ribeye.

  “Thank you so much for lunch, Alma.”

  “I’ve been wanting to do something nice for you ever since you took me in. I’m not used to letting people do things for me. It goes against my upbringing.”

  “The truth is, you have been a godsend for me. I don’t know how I would have made it after my operation if it weren’t for you taking care of me like you do. All the cooking, cleaning, and most of all, just your company. I know you had planned on leaving a while ago, but I’m sure thankful you let me talk you into staying.”

  Dee took out her kit and tested her blood-sugar level.

  “Oh, dear. It’s three-sixteen. That’s high.”

  “How did it get so high? Aren’t you watching what you eat?”

  Dee’s silence said everything. She looked like a child who’d been caught trying to steal a cookie out of the jar. Her eyes welled up.

  “Dee, what’s the matter?”

  “It’s so hard, Alma. I can’t control this disease. I love my sweets too much. Everywhere I go, it’s there. My room has a mini-bar. I ate everything in it. I ordered room service three times. Only desserts. I’m like a junkie. What am I going to do? I can’t keep living like this. I look down at my missing foot, and it makes me so depressed that the only thing to make me feel better is some chocolate. Sometimes I wish they’d cut the other one off just so it would match. Jesus, this thing is going to kill me.”

  “Not if you don’t want to die, it won’t. You just have to choose living. Where ther
e is life, there is hope, Dee. I know from experience. Six months ago, I wanted out. I couldn’t see the next day. Hell, I couldn’t see the next minute. I was suffocating and just wanted to be free. Free not to exist. Then you found me and helped me see that tomorrow can be a better day, and there are people in this world who share your pain and sorrows. I’m grateful to you because I can breathe now. I’m starting to taste life again. If I would have given up, I would have never had you as a friend, and I would have never met James.”

  “I knew it!” Dee exclaimed. “You two will make a great couple.”

  “I’m not thinking that far ahead. I’m just saying we have to fight for tomorrow, because it’s not promised. You have to do things today so that you are prepared to enjoy tomorrow if you’re blessed enough to get one.”

  “You’re right. It’s just a hard habit to break. It’s like smoking cigarettes.”

  “Cancer cures smoking. Let diabetes cure your sugar cravings.”

  “Amen to that. I’m going to write it on the refrigerator,” Dee said.

  They toasted with their water glasses as the food arrived.

  “Alma, I’m really not one to get into people’s business, but I think you should know that Joy and James used to date at one time.”

  “I know. He told me. And the fact that I didn’t stick that fork in the side of her head yesterday tells me that I’m OK with it. He is entitled to a past. Everybody has one. I have one, too.”

  “Well, I’m happy to hear that, because I wouldn’t feel right knowing I’m keeping a secret from you. I have enough on my mind as it is. I don’t need any more drama in my life.”

  Alma reached across the table and held Dee’s hand. “Neither do I,” she confessed.

  The Red Hats met in the lobby of the hotel at eleven thirty on the dot. They had all donned their red hats. People took pictures as they made their way through the casino like a flock of wild red geese. Alma pushed Dee to make sure she lagged behind Joy, who blazed the trail toward the Spank nightclub on the far side of the casino. Stacy held her son’s arm as if she were his prom date. They all sat at a reserved booth in the VIP section of the Spank, which was actually right by the dance floor. Bottles of champagne, vodka, and tequila sat on the table in front of them, compliments of the manager, whose mother was a member of a different chapter of Red Hats back in California. He thanked them for helping his mother find excitement in her old age.